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Hello from California, recently realized I'm not a Neuro-typical

T

Throughnoise

Active Member
Hi community,

I wanted to introduce myself and see if anyone out there is in a similar lifestyle as me.
I'm 36 years old, married with two kids.

I have been going through life for the past 36 years feeling like I don't belong in this world. Almost like an alien waiting to be taken back to my species lol. I know it's out there, that's how iI have felt until recently (few months back) i was listening to a podcast, Invisibilia (NPR) about a woman who was basically describing all of my challenges in life and found out she has Aspergers
I then went on a journey of discovery, disbelief, discomfort, anger, confusion and finally growth. The last few months have made the most sense. I won't get into too much detail, though I have really started to dial in on peoples micro-emotions. Something that was completely absent to me previously. A big part of this is my wife, who is supportive (for the most part) :). She helps me through it all and helps me understand society. On the flip side, a large part of my marital issues is caused by my shortcomings. Sometimes I can't really define if its me (aspire-ego), her or outside noise.

For you (men and women) that are married out there and have this wonderful super power (sarcasm) what has worked to help you elevate your relationship/marriage?
I'm sure there is a ton of material to read on this forum since I just joined. Forgive me if I'ma asking a newb question.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and a happy 2017!!
 
Welcome to AC. I am glad you embarked on a journey of self discovery. I am also married and my wife and I have struggles all the time. I don't have any advice to give on the subject, but know that you are not alone.
 
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Hello
 
WittyAspie said:
Welcome to AC. I am glad you embarked on a journey of self discovery. I am also married and my wife and I have struggles all the time. I don't have any advice to give on the subject, but know that you are not alone.
Click to expand...

Thanks.. How long have you been married? Did you find out before or after marriage?
 
I echo the sentiment of welcome!

My husband is the neuro typical one and when I found out about aspergers, it is like the puzzles finally fitting into place. Why I suffer indescrible anger issues to the extent that it can be small things that set me going, to me taking things literally to the extent of receiving many disappointments in life. To realise that it doesn't take too much to get obsessed over things and why I am so lousy at social interactions and started and ending conversations or why even, knowing what a conversation is! Why as hard as I try to make friends, it never happens. And so forth.

Spending like many year's of my married not knowing about aspergers to getting my husband to accept, which is hard going!

He does not understand my meltdowns and so, finally I took the courage to explain them ( very difficult to do, because I find it hard to express myself) and him actually agreeing that yes, he would walk away and not say or whisper one word to me and allow me to come to him.

It is a very difficult marriage, but I am actually a very reasonable person, which he has acknowledged now and it is only when I get this meltdowns that all reason goes out of the window, but I do not throw things or cause damage; just to myself really.

One of the biggest things in "mixed" marriage is agreeing that being an aspie is not an excuse to get away with things. So even though I recognise bad traits in me, I do not say: well that is just the way I am. I genuinly try to work on them.

I now can ask my husband how he did at work, but still working on remembering to thank him for something. Also including him when I send a message to someone.

He gets very irratated with me, because when I am talking with someone else, I actually become deaf and this is because I am concentrating so much on the chat, that I cannot hear and so, when I hear a sharp: SUZANNE! Others turn and give my poor husband daggers and so, I said that he could try slipping a note in my hand and see if that draws my attention? So we are going to try that. It is not my intention to "snub" and so, I will try my hardest to work on this.

Also, I sadly can talk very loud when I am feeling animated and often my husband has put his hands up to his ears and says: will you stop being so loud! Well, we decided that to get me to quieten down, as I am unaware that my voice is raised, he uses his hand to go up and down and so, far that is working.
 
Suzanne Thank you for sharing your struggles. Thank you for also sharing some of the tools you are using. Wife and I are always trying to develop new tools and enhance our communication. We have progressed immensely after my realization of being on the spectrum.

My single biggest struggle right now is being told my energy is negative when I feel fine. I try to dig deep to understand why that could be or if I have said/done something that would cause that and often at a loss. To your point, I don't chalk it up to "this is who i am", I do work with her and without her to understand myself and continue to improve. However, as I said in my first post, sometimes I'm lost in which reality is real and when to understand that there is outside influences causing contributing to our miscommunication and tension. Kids, work, being sick, etc...

On the flip side, I try not to have it be the dumping ground of why we are arguing or I'm having "bad energy". It's a tough balance and I think it's hard for her to look at other factors when this is an easy target.
 
I have been married almost 8 years and found out about AS 2 years ago. My wife was actually the first to realize that I have AS. It explained a lot of my odd behaviors and many of our struggles.
 
Hi

I've been with my wife about 17 year, and she's an NT.

Not a typical one though,[emoji23]

She helps me a lot with things I'm not good at, and I do things she's not good at.

I think the biggest thing we have is our openness with each other. I tell her everything as I'm thinking it,and I have systematically destroyed all my Aspie walls and defences.

It's just me in the raw, and I'm cool with the vulnerability.

That helped a lot as the walls keep everyone from getting close.

The negative energy might just be you giving zero feedback. I do that and people have no idea what you are thinking.

I think it can worry people when you are not readable.
 
Full Steam said:
The negative energy might just be you giving zero feedback. I do that and people have no idea what you are thinking.

I think it can worry people when you are not readable.
Click to expand...

wow this is fantastic!! I never thought about it that way..
So always be proactive about giving positive feedback or some kind of feedback. Your so right on this one. :grimacing:
 
I mirror people in conversation.

It's a sales technique and gets people to like and trust you subconsciously.
 
I am also in California, 35 married with 3 kids. Also like NPR :)
It's been a constant struggle (relationship) and tolerance is the main thing to maintain sanity, for me. Tolerance of others and others to tolerate me.
 
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