SugarPlumFairy
New Member
Hey hey,
I'm still a bit unsure whether I really belong here, but I thought maybe this would be a good place to meet people who share similar experiences.
I'm not diagnosed with anything except depression (who isn't?), but I have a growing suspicion that I might be on the spectrum. I never thought that this would be an option until I came across a website that describes typical characteristics of women and girls with Asperger's. This was a huge shock for me because I could identify myself with everything I read. I don't want to bore anyone, so I just want to give some examples of what I think is most significant:
(1) "Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects"
YES!! Anything related to Japanese culture, Japanese/Chinese characters, language learning, phonetics, morphology (everything that is "technical" and structured vs. intuitive), ballet, succulents, the list goes on... My obsessions with things defines my life to the point that I constantly annoy my friends and family members because my world revolves around nothing else. When I start getting interested in a new subject, I absorb every bit of information I get like a sponge, even if I actually have other things to do. So, there is an extreme imbalance in things I'm good at or I know much about and things I have no clue about at all. I often feel guilty about it but still can't stop. When other people want to tell me about their lives, their emotions and daily experiences, I find it incredibly difficult to invest the same amount of energy in it (which makes me feel even more guilty).
(2) "Obsessively collects and organizes objects + Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging"
There was a time I needed to constantly overthink and write down every food item I own, when I will prepare and cook it, how many calories ot contains etc. It sometimes gave me headaches and stole my sleep. Today, I'm a bit more relaxed but I still need to regularly create list of what I own and declutter to reduce the stress it causes. Needless to say that I absolutely despise having to share my things with others because it simply ruins my system. Others must think I'm just egoistic.
(3) "Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, or leave the house + One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat"
I currently live in a shared flat for financial reasons, and even though my flatmates are decent people, it's hell on earth for me. Especially, when my flatmates have their friends come over, I wish I could just run away to some isolate village on the North Pole (wide open nature brings me great relief). But I can't tell them to not have their friends there, so I just accept it and suffer in silence. I count every singly day I have to stay in this situation until I will finally finish my studies be allowed to live alone. I hate being around people my age, especially students. I hate their mindless small talk, their music, their constant noisiness, the chaos and dirt after a party. Once I had to work in a group and just realised later that I couldn't remember any of the names or faces of my group members, so when we met the next time, I didn't know where I belonged. I do have friends but they're usually either older or much younger than me, or are on the spectrum themselves.
(4) "Sense of pending danger or doom and feelings of polar extremes"
Every-single-day. When I forst got hospitalsed at the age of 14, they suspected I had BPD but never diagnosed it.
There are many more things but I don't know how interesting this will be to anyone else. All in all, there's just this feeling of being awkward that has always accompanied me. Also the feeling of having no stable sense of self. I feel like I can be everyone and no one. I just take on the characteristics of my environment. Nevertheless, I'm always wrong.
I'd be happy if I could meet people here, who feel the same. Maybe, I'll have the courage once to talk to a therapist about this. Right now, however, I'm too afraid that I will come of as a faker because I'm too "normal" to actually be on the spectrum.
I'm still a bit unsure whether I really belong here, but I thought maybe this would be a good place to meet people who share similar experiences.
I'm not diagnosed with anything except depression (who isn't?), but I have a growing suspicion that I might be on the spectrum. I never thought that this would be an option until I came across a website that describes typical characteristics of women and girls with Asperger's. This was a huge shock for me because I could identify myself with everything I read. I don't want to bore anyone, so I just want to give some examples of what I think is most significant:
(1) "Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects"
YES!! Anything related to Japanese culture, Japanese/Chinese characters, language learning, phonetics, morphology (everything that is "technical" and structured vs. intuitive), ballet, succulents, the list goes on... My obsessions with things defines my life to the point that I constantly annoy my friends and family members because my world revolves around nothing else. When I start getting interested in a new subject, I absorb every bit of information I get like a sponge, even if I actually have other things to do. So, there is an extreme imbalance in things I'm good at or I know much about and things I have no clue about at all. I often feel guilty about it but still can't stop. When other people want to tell me about their lives, their emotions and daily experiences, I find it incredibly difficult to invest the same amount of energy in it (which makes me feel even more guilty).
(2) "Obsessively collects and organizes objects + Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging"
There was a time I needed to constantly overthink and write down every food item I own, when I will prepare and cook it, how many calories ot contains etc. It sometimes gave me headaches and stole my sleep. Today, I'm a bit more relaxed but I still need to regularly create list of what I own and declutter to reduce the stress it causes. Needless to say that I absolutely despise having to share my things with others because it simply ruins my system. Others must think I'm just egoistic.
(3) "Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, or leave the house + One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat"
I currently live in a shared flat for financial reasons, and even though my flatmates are decent people, it's hell on earth for me. Especially, when my flatmates have their friends come over, I wish I could just run away to some isolate village on the North Pole (wide open nature brings me great relief). But I can't tell them to not have their friends there, so I just accept it and suffer in silence. I count every singly day I have to stay in this situation until I will finally finish my studies be allowed to live alone. I hate being around people my age, especially students. I hate their mindless small talk, their music, their constant noisiness, the chaos and dirt after a party. Once I had to work in a group and just realised later that I couldn't remember any of the names or faces of my group members, so when we met the next time, I didn't know where I belonged. I do have friends but they're usually either older or much younger than me, or are on the spectrum themselves.
(4) "Sense of pending danger or doom and feelings of polar extremes"
Every-single-day. When I forst got hospitalsed at the age of 14, they suspected I had BPD but never diagnosed it.
There are many more things but I don't know how interesting this will be to anyone else. All in all, there's just this feeling of being awkward that has always accompanied me. Also the feeling of having no stable sense of self. I feel like I can be everyone and no one. I just take on the characteristics of my environment. Nevertheless, I'm always wrong.
I'd be happy if I could meet people here, who feel the same. Maybe, I'll have the courage once to talk to a therapist about this. Right now, however, I'm too afraid that I will come of as a faker because I'm too "normal" to actually be on the spectrum.
You guys seem to like Norway. Germany is very nice too, you have some nice valleys and castles and stuff. Sehr nett! 
