Welcome
It would be interesting to read how you feel you differ. I'm sure there are a fair few here who feel that they too don't quite meet the "stereotypical" idea of AS, including myself.
I do not have mind blindness; I can tell as well as anybody how other people feel. I can easily see things from another person’s view, assuming I understand their psychology. Repetitive behavior was never an issue, except for a tic, which I inherited from very social relatives. I understand my own mind very well. Intellectually, my interest was always to see “how it all fits together”, i.e. the big picture. I would do very well socially if the people I was socializing with had the same psychology as me (which they very much did not). My speech was on time and articulate.
My social problem is that my psychology is profoundly different from other people, and I am prone to extreme shyness. I learned at an early age to avoid people. I knew when they wanted something from me, but I never knew what.
My core problem is that it is very difficult and extremely painfulfor me to interface with the environment. This causes my interests, tastes, preferences, perceptions, abilities, and consequently, my history, to be profoundly different from others. For example, I never wanted to play games, or do sports, or have any interest in stories about conflict, social or otherwise. I could not apply my mind or body to the environment, such as driving a car, having a job, having a party, doing crafts, swinging on a swing, or living on my own. I cannot at all be involved in the world. However, I can be, and want very much to be, involved with a friend, as long as it does not involve the environment or any other people, and it is the type of person my heart wants as a friend.
Not only do I have an aversion to the “doing” aspect of life for myself, I also do not like it for others. I cringe when I see other people working. Therefore, my love for my friend would be unconditional; there would be no demands on my friend. I can be as close, warm, affectionate, understanding, and caring as anyone. All I would need from my friend is just to be with that person. But there would be no sex, not even kissing. In my brain, what you call sex is to me meaningless, disgusting biology, in the same category as tumors (breasts and genitals), gaping wounds (vagina), guts, and medical procedures.
I have no instinct for sexual behavior, nor perception for sexual body parts or behavioral cues. I also find infants extremely disgusting, which would cause problems if I did have families in my life.
Intelectually I think mathematically. I understand everything mathematically. However, while I have an extremely high conceptual level, I have a poor working memory, which means I cannot do formal math. Therefore, I cannot get any college degrees, even if I could tolerate the environmental involvement needed to go to college. I am highly self educated from public libraries and internet.
With the environmental interface cut off, my inner mind is extremely developed and active. My emotions (feeling, not behavior) are rich, especially towards environmental experience, especially people. But in my ideal life, life would be all experience and no action, all state of being and no dynamics.
In conclusion, my problem is primarily environmental interface. The social aspect of my problem is secondary.
But the world has taken my problem and made it much worse. Because of what I cannot do, the world prevents me from doing what I can do. Being forced to be by myself, my ability to interact with the world keeps getting worse. The world only pushes me into the very thing I hate, and away from anything I love. The physical body I am imprisoned in (i.e. age and gender) makes things much worse. Inside, I have no age or gender, but the world treats me as if I AM my age and gender, which is incompatible with what I am inside.
