AngelaS267
Well-Known Member
Hello everyone!
I finally had my epiphany this year at 23 years old that I had Aspergers syndrome. Like many people on here, we went most of our lives not quit feeling right in social settings, and in our body. After I got into 6th grade, a time where kids start to form clicks and find themselves, I realized that something was off with me. I never suspected ASD. My older sister is undiagnosed but much much further on the spectrum than I am. If you were to speak to her, you'd know right away. That's one of the big reasons that I just never thought I had it.
I didn't make a friend until 7th grade. I've only ever known how to make 1 friend at a time. I was painfully shy when I was a child, but I didn't notice until I became older, and all the people from my past told me how painfully shy I was. I didn't think it was that bad. I've always been shy though. I used to look down when I walked bc looking up required me to engage with things outside of me. I was soothed by the pavement or tiles going by as I walked. I sucked my thumb until I was 13. I learned in elementary school it was socially unacceptable to suck your thumb past the age of 4 or 5. My teachers would write letters to my mom at home about it.
I remember being extremely overwhelmed when I was on the playground because it was too hot. Like I was being suffocated. I hated going down the slide because the slide would shock you when going down. I was always confused why people liked it when they knew it was going to really shock them. My family would often tell me I complain too much, so I started feeling guilty and depressed for expressing my discomfort. I later learned that these were huge sensory issues.
My teacher used to turn off the front light in the class but not the back light to "keep the class from falling asleep" and this used to drive me insane because it was not even. either keep the lights all off or all on. Those are just a few things I look back on and remember when thinking about how I was ASD all along. I've always had a hard time communicating with people.
At my most social, I was a quirky girl, and maybe came off as weird and ditsy when speaking to people. I started caring during 6th grade. I think subconsciously I knew people found me awkward or weird an so I stopped talking. I just became the quiet girl in middle and high school. I went to counseling because people were concerned how quiet I was, and this used to annoy me. I didn't want people to treat me like I was "crazy" But then I started opening up to this one counselor who understood me a lot better.
But I started talking about the bad things that were happening to me at home. I did experience traumatic things at home, and I attempted to correlate a lot of my social and mental issues with the fact that my parents marriage being terrible and how they communicated with in a very toxic way. This was true to a degree, but didn't quit explain everything. I spend a lot of time between high school up until 2018 trying to "find out what was wrong with me." I did this thing where every time I did something wrong socially or failed at something, I'd search up, Why am I so awkward, why am I so quiet, social anxiety disorder, I avoid going out.
This caused me to spiral into depression. I just became really unhappy. For the longest time, I thought I had social anxiety disorder but that wasn't quite right at all. I wasn't afraid to go outside.. I wasn't afraid to go shopping... I could sit in a cafe by myself all day and be fine. Hell, I can spend a whole day by myself and I feel absolutely fine.
Then I found a video on youtube talking about women on the spectrum and how they're under represented. I had tried to take a test for autism before, but I didn't pass that online test, and brushed it off. But this was different. I found a list that talks about the symptoms found in women on the spectrum... I matched every. single. one. I got scared. What does this mean? What do I do? Who do I ask for help?... No, this can't be true. I started comparing the diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, and Asperger syndrome, and the SAD one started making less and less sense. The ASD started clicking more.
I went on youtube and started looking up women on the spectrum, and one video just made it click to me. I remember that day. My heart sank, and it became extremely clear... Girl you have aspergers, haha. The feelings I felt when I found out were something I'd never felt before ever. It was a huge feeling of relief, but at the same time this sadness, almost like grief. I have been interested in autism for yeeears. I learned about it in the 5th grade and had researched it sporadically ever since. I am absolutely fascinated with it, so it's ironic that I now realize I have it.
I was amazed. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because I felt like I no longer needed to try to change those things about myself that I felt so much shame for. It explained everything. Why I didn't feel quit like other people. But I felt a deep sadness because there are so many resources that I missed out on by not being diagnosed earlier. I didn't get extra help in school or college. I had so many teachers get angry at me for not understanding certain things, for not doing my homework, for my grades being amazing one semester, then absolutely terrible the next.
I never got to explain to people why I had anxiety in certain situations. I never got to get the therapy I needed so I could've made more friends. I didn't go to parties. I went to prom alone. Thinking back to those things made me so sad because I unfortunately had a terrible time in school before college because I didn't understand what was going on with me. But from the time I found out I had aspies to now, I have grown more than I ever have in my entire life. I feel very liberated. I feel a lot less shame about my social skills. I pay attention to my behavior and how it relates to my ASD. I am working to erase the shame I felt for years about who I am.
I can not wait to explore myself more and hopefully build a community that understand where I'm coming from. Hello, my name is Maya, and I have Aspergers Syndrome.
I finally had my epiphany this year at 23 years old that I had Aspergers syndrome. Like many people on here, we went most of our lives not quit feeling right in social settings, and in our body. After I got into 6th grade, a time where kids start to form clicks and find themselves, I realized that something was off with me. I never suspected ASD. My older sister is undiagnosed but much much further on the spectrum than I am. If you were to speak to her, you'd know right away. That's one of the big reasons that I just never thought I had it.
I didn't make a friend until 7th grade. I've only ever known how to make 1 friend at a time. I was painfully shy when I was a child, but I didn't notice until I became older, and all the people from my past told me how painfully shy I was. I didn't think it was that bad. I've always been shy though. I used to look down when I walked bc looking up required me to engage with things outside of me. I was soothed by the pavement or tiles going by as I walked. I sucked my thumb until I was 13. I learned in elementary school it was socially unacceptable to suck your thumb past the age of 4 or 5. My teachers would write letters to my mom at home about it.
I remember being extremely overwhelmed when I was on the playground because it was too hot. Like I was being suffocated. I hated going down the slide because the slide would shock you when going down. I was always confused why people liked it when they knew it was going to really shock them. My family would often tell me I complain too much, so I started feeling guilty and depressed for expressing my discomfort. I later learned that these were huge sensory issues.
My teacher used to turn off the front light in the class but not the back light to "keep the class from falling asleep" and this used to drive me insane because it was not even. either keep the lights all off or all on. Those are just a few things I look back on and remember when thinking about how I was ASD all along. I've always had a hard time communicating with people.
At my most social, I was a quirky girl, and maybe came off as weird and ditsy when speaking to people. I started caring during 6th grade. I think subconsciously I knew people found me awkward or weird an so I stopped talking. I just became the quiet girl in middle and high school. I went to counseling because people were concerned how quiet I was, and this used to annoy me. I didn't want people to treat me like I was "crazy" But then I started opening up to this one counselor who understood me a lot better.
But I started talking about the bad things that were happening to me at home. I did experience traumatic things at home, and I attempted to correlate a lot of my social and mental issues with the fact that my parents marriage being terrible and how they communicated with in a very toxic way. This was true to a degree, but didn't quit explain everything. I spend a lot of time between high school up until 2018 trying to "find out what was wrong with me." I did this thing where every time I did something wrong socially or failed at something, I'd search up, Why am I so awkward, why am I so quiet, social anxiety disorder, I avoid going out.
This caused me to spiral into depression. I just became really unhappy. For the longest time, I thought I had social anxiety disorder but that wasn't quite right at all. I wasn't afraid to go outside.. I wasn't afraid to go shopping... I could sit in a cafe by myself all day and be fine. Hell, I can spend a whole day by myself and I feel absolutely fine.
Then I found a video on youtube talking about women on the spectrum and how they're under represented. I had tried to take a test for autism before, but I didn't pass that online test, and brushed it off. But this was different. I found a list that talks about the symptoms found in women on the spectrum... I matched every. single. one. I got scared. What does this mean? What do I do? Who do I ask for help?... No, this can't be true. I started comparing the diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, and Asperger syndrome, and the SAD one started making less and less sense. The ASD started clicking more.
I went on youtube and started looking up women on the spectrum, and one video just made it click to me. I remember that day. My heart sank, and it became extremely clear... Girl you have aspergers, haha. The feelings I felt when I found out were something I'd never felt before ever. It was a huge feeling of relief, but at the same time this sadness, almost like grief. I have been interested in autism for yeeears. I learned about it in the 5th grade and had researched it sporadically ever since. I am absolutely fascinated with it, so it's ironic that I now realize I have it.
I was amazed. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because I felt like I no longer needed to try to change those things about myself that I felt so much shame for. It explained everything. Why I didn't feel quit like other people. But I felt a deep sadness because there are so many resources that I missed out on by not being diagnosed earlier. I didn't get extra help in school or college. I had so many teachers get angry at me for not understanding certain things, for not doing my homework, for my grades being amazing one semester, then absolutely terrible the next.
I never got to explain to people why I had anxiety in certain situations. I never got to get the therapy I needed so I could've made more friends. I didn't go to parties. I went to prom alone. Thinking back to those things made me so sad because I unfortunately had a terrible time in school before college because I didn't understand what was going on with me. But from the time I found out I had aspies to now, I have grown more than I ever have in my entire life. I feel very liberated. I feel a lot less shame about my social skills. I pay attention to my behavior and how it relates to my ASD. I am working to erase the shame I felt for years about who I am.
I can not wait to explore myself more and hopefully build a community that understand where I'm coming from. Hello, my name is Maya, and I have Aspergers Syndrome.
