I have just been learning about Asperger's over the last few weeks. I think I am an Aspie, but I don't like to say so without an official diagnosis. I have thought I had other conditions in the past, but Asperger's seems to be the best explanation yet for why I have always felt "different." From what I understand, it is hard for a 57-year-old to get a diagnosis.
I have had a lot of time to learn to hide it well. I can do pretty well holding conversations with other people, although that usually means letting them talk while I nod my head. Most of the time they never notice. On the other hand, I lose interest, and I don't want to say anything because it only makes them talk more.
Asperger's could explain why I never seem able to get a word in edgewise in a group conversation. I just can't tell when it is my turn to talk. I have been told that I interrupt others, but when I want to make a point, I have to interrupt or I won't get a chance to say it. When I do get a chance to talk, most of the time other people interrupt me and change the subject. I can certainly believe that I don't understand how other people think.
Asperger's could explain why there have been few times in my life when I felt as if I had any friends. I belong to a ski club and a few other groups, and I think of those people as my friends, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything with individuals instead of in the organized activities. On the other hand, I am married, for the second time. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't found a good book on dating. Before then, the few dates that I had went very badly. It could also explain why my first wife thought I was a callous jerk, even though I was doing my best to be an all-around nice guy. It might also be the reason I didn't shed many tears when she died, or when anyone else has died, for that matter. I was more angry than sad. (My second wife doesn't seem to think I am insensitive.)
Asperger's could explain why my career has been spotty. I have an engineering degree from a prestigious school, but I was always horrible at interviewing, so I didn't get very good jobs. I have never been fired from a job, but I get so stressed after a few years that I can't stand it any more and I have to quit. There was one job where I would have probably been fired if I hadn't quit, but all of the other times people were surprised when I quit. I went back to school when I was 42 and went for a Ph.D. in experimental psychology. That didn't qualify me for anything other than teaching and doing research in a university, and by the time I finished I wanted nothing more to do with academics. I work as a freelance writer now. I have had some decent writing gigs, but I am thankful that my wife has a job that pays pretty well.
I don't entirely fit the stereotype of an Aspie. I am not aware that I rock or do hand flapping, although I have noticed that I move my feet a lot--does foot-flapping count? I have been to a number of therapists over the years--some good but most of them were really bad. Asperger's was never suggested as a diagnosis, but all of the therapists have commented that I was fidgety and anxious. One was very indignant that I didn't look at him when I talked. He kept saying, "I'm over here!" An early therapist--one of the few good ones--said that I was frozen in a certain developmental stage. I don't remember what stage he said, but that seems like it is consistent with Asperger's. Most of the therapists diagnose me as being depressed and anxious, and they try to get me on antidepressants. I have tried six different antidepressants. None of them did me any good, and most of them had side effects that made me feel worse.
Other ways that I don't fit the mold: I don't have any lifelong obsessions or passions--don't collect anything, although I have always been fascinated by electricity and electronics and I spend a lot of time doing things with computers. But I do get obsessed with ideas and things for shorter times. Last week I was at my father-in-law's and I ignored what everyone else was doing so that I could figure out why he wasn't getting digital channels on his TV. (When I routed the cable directly to the TV instead of through the VCR, that fixed it.) Last year I took a stab at being a ski instructor, but I was bothered that I had to sign a form saying I was an independent contractor. I spent a lot of time--time that could have been better spent doing other things--looking into the rules for whether someone is an employee or an independent contractor. I thought it was pretty clear that I should have been an employee. The ski resort did it the other way to get out of paying for worker's compensation. (And ski instructing is a hazardous job.) It didn't seem to be an issue for anyone else I talked to.
I like sex, which from what I understand is not typical for an Aspie, and I have always preferred being in a relationship. Loneliness when I was not in relationships has sometimes interfered with my ability to concentrate on my work. I also have a good sense of humor. I like to watch sit-coms on TV and I can tell jokes well.
So, I think I could meet the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's, and it would explain a lot of the strangeness of my life, but when I read about the characteristics of other Aspies I am not so sure.
I have had a lot of time to learn to hide it well. I can do pretty well holding conversations with other people, although that usually means letting them talk while I nod my head. Most of the time they never notice. On the other hand, I lose interest, and I don't want to say anything because it only makes them talk more.
Asperger's could explain why I never seem able to get a word in edgewise in a group conversation. I just can't tell when it is my turn to talk. I have been told that I interrupt others, but when I want to make a point, I have to interrupt or I won't get a chance to say it. When I do get a chance to talk, most of the time other people interrupt me and change the subject. I can certainly believe that I don't understand how other people think.
Asperger's could explain why there have been few times in my life when I felt as if I had any friends. I belong to a ski club and a few other groups, and I think of those people as my friends, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything with individuals instead of in the organized activities. On the other hand, I am married, for the second time. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't found a good book on dating. Before then, the few dates that I had went very badly. It could also explain why my first wife thought I was a callous jerk, even though I was doing my best to be an all-around nice guy. It might also be the reason I didn't shed many tears when she died, or when anyone else has died, for that matter. I was more angry than sad. (My second wife doesn't seem to think I am insensitive.)
Asperger's could explain why my career has been spotty. I have an engineering degree from a prestigious school, but I was always horrible at interviewing, so I didn't get very good jobs. I have never been fired from a job, but I get so stressed after a few years that I can't stand it any more and I have to quit. There was one job where I would have probably been fired if I hadn't quit, but all of the other times people were surprised when I quit. I went back to school when I was 42 and went for a Ph.D. in experimental psychology. That didn't qualify me for anything other than teaching and doing research in a university, and by the time I finished I wanted nothing more to do with academics. I work as a freelance writer now. I have had some decent writing gigs, but I am thankful that my wife has a job that pays pretty well.
I don't entirely fit the stereotype of an Aspie. I am not aware that I rock or do hand flapping, although I have noticed that I move my feet a lot--does foot-flapping count? I have been to a number of therapists over the years--some good but most of them were really bad. Asperger's was never suggested as a diagnosis, but all of the therapists have commented that I was fidgety and anxious. One was very indignant that I didn't look at him when I talked. He kept saying, "I'm over here!" An early therapist--one of the few good ones--said that I was frozen in a certain developmental stage. I don't remember what stage he said, but that seems like it is consistent with Asperger's. Most of the therapists diagnose me as being depressed and anxious, and they try to get me on antidepressants. I have tried six different antidepressants. None of them did me any good, and most of them had side effects that made me feel worse.
Other ways that I don't fit the mold: I don't have any lifelong obsessions or passions--don't collect anything, although I have always been fascinated by electricity and electronics and I spend a lot of time doing things with computers. But I do get obsessed with ideas and things for shorter times. Last week I was at my father-in-law's and I ignored what everyone else was doing so that I could figure out why he wasn't getting digital channels on his TV. (When I routed the cable directly to the TV instead of through the VCR, that fixed it.) Last year I took a stab at being a ski instructor, but I was bothered that I had to sign a form saying I was an independent contractor. I spent a lot of time--time that could have been better spent doing other things--looking into the rules for whether someone is an employee or an independent contractor. I thought it was pretty clear that I should have been an employee. The ski resort did it the other way to get out of paying for worker's compensation. (And ski instructing is a hazardous job.) It didn't seem to be an issue for anyone else I talked to.
I like sex, which from what I understand is not typical for an Aspie, and I have always preferred being in a relationship. Loneliness when I was not in relationships has sometimes interfered with my ability to concentrate on my work. I also have a good sense of humor. I like to watch sit-coms on TV and I can tell jokes well.
So, I think I could meet the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's, and it would explain a lot of the strangeness of my life, but when I read about the characteristics of other Aspies I am not so sure.
