Hello (New to this)

[VAW]

MY son has borderline Asperger's with no intellectual impairment. He of course.. because of this and a severe case of ulcerative colitis lives mostly in his room. IT is very lonely for him, he is 30 now, very handsome but says he is tired of living this empty existence. I am not worried he will end it or anything but every day is basically the same for him other than when he comes here sometimes.

How does anyone meet anyone? or live a normal life? He has been through some counseling for Asperger's but that doesn't seem to help him any. It is hard for him to connect with anyone even though he is very intelligent and funny and has a good heart. If you saw him walking down the street you would think he has everything going for him as he is 6'3, everywhere he goes someone comments on how handsome he is....but he isn't connecting.

He had a long distance girlfriend who was the only one he connected with and put his whole existence into her. Lately she has stopped texting him and moved in with another guy and he is devastated. Fearing he will never find anyone again.

Does anyone have any helpful comments on their own situation or what I can possibly do to help him. Or maybe some of you who also have a hard time connecting that can maybe text with him or something? Not sure what will help.....We live in a pretty rural area and so far I haven't been able to find any social groups for Asperger's that may help and that is if he would be willing to go.

 

[Tom]

Sounds like a pretty common situation really. Maybe you can get him to join the forum himself. If nothing else he can at least participate in discussions with others on the spectrum perhaps.

 

[VAW]

Sounds like a pretty common situation really. Maybe you can get him to join the forum himself. If nothing else he can at least participate in discussions with others on the spectrum perhaps.

Thank you Tom, it is a very good idea, and I have asked him if he would go on a forum before and he said no. Not sure why he wouldn't but I suppose he has his reasons.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi @VAW and welcome to the community

You describe him as "borderline Asperger's"

When was he diagnosed and what does it say about his abilities on his diagnosis letter?
Is he engaged with his autism or does he shy away from it?
Did he work before his illness got too bad?

Counselling can help for some people, but for some of us (myself for example) it's a total dead end,so there's nothing unusual in that.

Engaging with other people on the spectrum can be a great comfort and liberator. If he doesn't feel like it yet, maybe encourage him to read some of the better autistic bloggers or watch some of us who do YouTube. I have a channel and I can recommend Max Derrat and Joe Jamfrey as being nice, friendly intelligent guys who do informative videos. Maybe it'll help him start to realise there's a community of like-minded people outside his room?

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[disconnected]

Welcome

 

[VAW]

Hi @VAW and welcome to the community

You describe him as "borderline Asperger's"

When was he diagnosed and what does it say about his abilities on his diagnosis letter?
Is he engaged with his autism or does he shy away from it?
Did he work before his illness got too bad?

Counselling can help for some people, but for some of us (myself for example) it's a total dead end,so there's nothing unusual in that.

Engaging with other people on the spectrum can be a great comfort and liberator. If he doesn't feel like it yet, maybe encourage him to read some of the better autistic bloggers or watch some of us who do YouTube. I have a channel and I can recommend Max Derrat and Joe Jamfrey as being nice, friendly intelligent guys who do informative videos. Maybe it'll help him start to realise there's a community of like-minded people outside his room?

He was diagnosed two years ago, and the diagnosis says Avoidant personality disorder, Anxiety disorder and Asperger's with no intellectual impairment (autism spectrum) She almost didn't want to say he had Asperger's because he doesn't show all the signs of it but I guess enough to classify him with it. As he doesn't always do the same routine, or fixate on certain characters...etc... I think to answer your question...he feels that he lives an empty existence, he really doesn't want to live his life anymore, he would rather just die (he isn't suicidal or anything like that) but his answers are... not important....what difference does it make?....Who care.... all negatives!!!! Nothing is ever positive. He did work briefly with me but he basically was in the back room alone doing my computer work. Then he got his physical illness and all just gave up on life. He has had patches where he was trying but not in months now. I will tell him about the you tubes you mentioned and see what happens... Thank you

 

[Judge]

Thank you Tom, it is a very good idea, and I have asked him if he would go on a forum before and he said no. Not sure why he wouldn't but I suppose he has his reasons.

It's an amazing thing to go through life and think there is utterly no one on the planet who can possibly relate to you. And then to come here, whether by accident or choice and discover so many who can absolutely relate to you in whole or in part.

One thing for sure, this is NOT Facebook. He just needs to find his own "tribe".

 

[VAW]

Truth...I just don't think he has the want to do it. Maybe in time... but he will only say so what is the point?

 

[Autistamatic]

The point is...he won't see the point unless he tries

It's difficult I know, but most of us who have broken out of that rut of hopelessness did it by necessity rather than desire. I was first diagnosed at age 13 - family never accepted it and I was booted out to fend for myself at age 16. It was sink or swim and I chose to adapt and swim as hard as I could. I'm not suggesting you do the same to him, but he'll never know what he's missing or understand what life can be unless he dips his toes into the water.
This community is very friendly and nothing like the cattle market of mainstream social media. Even if he doesn't fancy the idea of mixing with other Autistics, there's still loads of special interest forums out there for allsorts of people. Does he have any particular interests he could focus on and join communities for? Does he fancy doing something creative? Writing blogs, doing videos and podcasts is a great way of exercising the brain but also rewarding and socially fertile too. It's a great icebreaker if nothing else.
And the great thing about all those things is that one can get started with nothing more than a PC or even a mobile phone using free software in either case

 

[VAW]

The point is...he won't see the point unless he tries

It's difficult I know, but most of us who have broken out of that rut of hopelessness did it by necessity rather than desire. I was first diagnosed at age 13 - family never accepted it and I was booted out to fend for myself at age 16. It was sink or swim and I chose to adapt and swim as hard as I could. I'm not suggesting you do the same to him, but he'll never know what he's missing or understand what life can be unless he dips his toes into the water.
This community is very friendly and nothing like the cattle market of mainstream social media. Even if he doesn't fancy the idea of mixing with other Autistics, there's still loads of special interest forums out there for allsorts of people. Does he have any particular interests he could focus on and join communities for? Does he fancy doing something creative? Writing blogs, doing videos and podcasts is a great way of exercising the brain but also rewarding and socially fertile too. It's a great icebreaker if nothing else.
And the great thing about all those things is that one can get started with nothing more than a PC or even a mobile phone using free software in either case

He seems like he is just in a state of I just want to die and get it over with, everything is what is the use, things will always be the same, I have tried for many years nothing changes. I know it is depressing for him, it is depressing for me to hear talk like that coming from my son. But he just won't try and when he does try (before) he says nothing changes. So do you think that I am just harming him by being there and trying to help him? Seems to me that a lot of the people like you said have been on their own and aren't sinking like my son is.... I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Mary Lyn]

He sounds like he needs to see a GP for depression, as a short term rescue but long term, he would receive a lot of help on the internet for getting his neurotransmitters and gut working better with dietary intervention.

 

[VAW]

He sounds like he needs to see a GP for depression, as a short term rescue but long term, he would receive a lot of help on the internet for getting his neurotransmitters and gut working better with dietary intervention.

I agree, I just don't know how to get him motivated enough to do that. He is on antidepressants I just called in to have his prescription renewed today. I was wondering too if depression comes with ASD

 

[SusanLR]

I've found depression and anxiety are quite common with being on the spectrum.
And the feeling life is so empty, yet don't feel anything makes you feel better or makes you want
to do things or socialise...I call that the Aspie conundrum.

I didn't feel empty as long as I had my parents. They were my friends and were always there.
Never had to worry about acting a certain way and I was comfortable.
Go out with anyone else and on went the mask.
Come home and it was like taking off shoes that made my feet hurt when I could take off the mask.
I had a lot of pets and always studying interests.
Now everything feels as you describe your son's feelings. Empty, no care, and see no way it will
ever feel fulfilling again.
I've lost everything I called my life and physical problems only compound to the feeling there is
nothing left.

It is a very poor way to just exist. Antidepressants do not help me either.
Does he have a good bond with you?
If he does, getting him to do things with you would probably help the most.
It did with me. I would get out and do things with my Mom. She was my friend.
Sometimes that gave incentive to get out of my room.
I also worked. It didn't help the empty part, but, I needed the money.
Being close with you could lead to getting out and maybe meeting other people.
That is the only way I made it through life.

 

[Major Tom]

Hello and welcome! I know in my case, if I didn't work, I'd probably never leave the house. Maybe if he could volunteer or work someplace it would help?

 

[VAW]

He sounds like he needs to see a GP for depression, as a short term rescue but long term, he would receive a lot of help on the internet for getting his neurotransmitters and gut working better with dietary intervention.

I agree, I just don't know how to get him motivated enough to do that. He is on antidepressants I just called in to have his prescription renewed today. I was wondering too if depression comes with ASD

I've found depression and anxiety are quite common with being on the spectrum.
And the feeling life is so empty, yet don't feel anything makes you feel better or makes you want
to do things or socialise...I call that the Aspie conundrum.

I didn't feel empty as long as I had my parents. They were my friends and were always there.
Never had to worry about acting a certain way and I was comfortable.
Go out with anyone else and on went the mask.
Come home and it was like taking off shoes that made my feet hurt when I could take off the mask.
I had a lot of pets and always studying interests.
Now everything feels as you describe your son's feelings. Empty, no care, and see no way it will
ever feel fulfilling again.
I've lost everything I called my life and physical problems only compound to the feeling there is
nothing left.

It is a very poor way to just exist. Antidepressants do not help me either.
Does he have a good bond with you?
If he does, getting him to do things with you would probably help the most.
It did with me. I would get out and do things with my Mom. She was my friend.
Sometimes that gave incentive to get out of my room.
I also worked. It didn't help the empty part, but, I needed the money.
Being close with you could lead to getting out and maybe meeting other people.
That is the only way I made it through life.

We have a good relationship I think, I mean I am always there for him. He doesn't live with me but if he needs anything I am there for him to help him. We usually text everyday. It is so hard for me to understand, I am just starting to understand how he is and how he feels. I have always been social and can talk to anyone, and I look at everyone as either family or potential friends. I thank you for showing me a glimpse into your life and feelings as you said they look a lot alike. Am so sorry you lost your mother, I am older and just lost my father and that is so painful. It is starting to dawn on me that we need the connection with people and without it life is empty and alone, but that is something almost impossible for you's to do. Is that maybe correct? I don't know how old you are but do you feel that you will never have a companion? MY son had a girlfriend but when she left him he feels now that his life is over, he will never have another one because it is impossible for him to talk or get to know anyone else. Do you feel that way too? She lived in another state and had plans to move in together but that never happened. How you described it, he does too. and for me, it is so hard to know how to bring him out of that, everything is a negative and what is the use....

 

[VAW]

Hello and welcome! I know in my case, if I didn't work, I'd probably never leave the house. Maybe if he could volunteer or work someplace it would help?

I remember his first doctor that recognized his Asperger's told him that he felt being on disability wasn't good because he would never have to go out. The thing is with his Ulcerative colitis he cannot go out as he has a very severe case and bleeds a lot. Fatigue and also he gets migraines a lot so he could never go anywhere that needs him on a steady basis. Even volunteering, I work for a non profit org. and when we get volunteers we have to be able to count on them to come in when they say they will. If he starts feeling sick or anxiety strikes he would need to leave and he doesn't drive so I would probably have to stay with him and I can't always do that. but I understand that it would actually be a help. Thank you

 

[SusanLR]

It is starting to dawn on me that we need the connection with people and without it life is empty and alone, but that is something almost impossible for you's to do. Is that maybe correct? I don't know how old you are but do you feel that you will never have a companion?

I'm 61 and at this age I don't think I will ever have a companion that I feel connected with.
I live with a 77 year old man that I used to play tennis with.
His health started to decline at the time I lost my mother, had no family left and needed somewhere to live.
He had a large house and wealth.
He ask if I would like to rent a wing of his house to live in and we would be there for each other as he
felt it was not good to live alone with health problems and I had never even lived alone in my life.
He had never married and had no family left either.

Sometimes I feel confined living with someone else with whom there is no relationship.
But, I don't know how I would feel alone, never lived it and have health problems too.
So for now I feel it's the best I can do.
It's hard for others to imagine how it feels to not be able to connect with other people.
Alone in a world of people, I always said.
Your son's health only adds to his feelings as do mine.
It is a difficult situation.

If I might ask:
You said he doesn't live with you.
Did he decide he wanted to live alone in order to be comfortable?
Or did he feel he should and got used to it?

I wonder for my own curiosity sake as I felt I would not
be comfortable living alone, so I stayed home.
I drove, but, rarely alone.
Now I have to and it is anxiety provoking and I won't drive long distances
or in the city downtown filled with expressways and elevated roads.

 

[VAW]

I'm 61 and at this age I don't think I will ever have a companion that I feel connected with.
I live with a 77 year old man that I used to play tennis with.
His health started to decline at the time I lost my mother, had no family left and needed somewhere to live.
He had a large house and wealth.
He ask if I would like to rent a wing of his house to live in and we would be there for each other as he
felt it was not good to live alone with health problems and I had never even lived alone in my life.
He had never married and had no family left either.

Sometimes I feel confined living with someone else with whom there is no relationship.
But, I don't know how I would feel alone, never lived it and have health problems too.
So for now I feel it's the best I can do.
It's hard for others to imagine how it feels to not be able to connect with other people.
Alone in a world of people, I always said.
Your son's health only adds to his feelings as do mine.
It is a difficult situation.

If I might ask:
You said he doesn't live with you.
Did he decide he wanted to live alone in order to be comfortable?
Or did he feel he should and got used to it?

I wonder for my own curiosity sake as I felt I would not
be comfortable living alone, so I stayed home.
I drove, but, rarely alone.
Now I have to and it is anxiety provoking and I won't drive long distances
or in the city downtown filled with expressways and elevated roads.

Why he doesn't live with me is that when my ex died I moved back into my old house, I gave him and his brother the trailer I was living in, then the water went out and they had no water so they moved in with my mother and hated it,(I thought it would be a good idea because she is 87 and can't do a lot of things and if she fell or something they would be there.) My other son had a good job and so the two of them moved into a house they rent. My other son basically has the downstairs as he is social, and my son who has the ASD stays upstairs. Talking to a few people on here does give me a better look inside my son's ASD. As a child I never really noticed anything because I had 5 kids and they all hung out together, I know if we were at a restaurant and the kids would get up to get something from the salad bar or desert bar he would just say grab me one too and they would. but I just thought he was a typical Scorpio and everyone was just his slaves (lol) I never realized he had such anxieties until later, I thought it was just his U.C. that he didn't want to go out and do anything. But then a few doctors mentioned his high anxiety and his specialist had two children with ASD and he said you need to go get it checked out, and even his specialist for his migraines wrote to his MD that he has the worst case of anxiety I have saw. That is when we went all over trying to find someone who could diagnose him. Now looking back I can see it more clearly. but even at that I was expecting he was maybe having panic attacks or just shy and afraid of people but not the extreme that it is... He has talked to a counselor who deals in ASD maybe 4 times but he doesn't feel like he gets any better because of it. We live in a rural area and there are no doctors close by and the specialists are 2 hours away.