Hello - socially fluent ASD facing major existential crisis

[Ry715]

So...

I've always tried to fly under the radar. I won't pretend I did in highschool or after but come a couple years ago I became one of the most consistently charming first dates out there.

I still suck at approaching women in clubs though, although I wager if I practiced more, I'd get pretty good at that too . I just hate going cold into bars.

Anyhow - here's the juicy stuff. This woman I'd been chasing for years - finally really making progress with over the past few months - admitted in pretty much detail to being a psychopath/sociopath -

Something along those lines. I always kind of knew. It was an interesting back and forth...

But I guess what I'm getting at is I felt like a hole was opening up in the world and just dragging me into this big abyss

American Psycho is one of my favorite books. I know the sociopath playbook. I'm sorta dating a different self professed psychopath right now - difference is I don't care too much about her.

I feel like I'm on this weird island where I can't relate to empaths or most neurotypicals. I can pretend. I can charm them but I just feel nothing real.

When they love me or fall for me or chase me I just snicker at them for being dumb, take it far as I can, bearing no major social repreccusions and end it when it becomes too overbearing for me.

But I'm not sure I'm a sociopath, not even sure this girl is quite a full on one - given her weird ASD anime obsession span - or her alcoholism and depression.

I don't really know 100% how depression works with sociopaths. I read up a ton last night. I'd always been drawn to the topic, but this time I went deep into the sociopathic mind.

It was intriguing but I felt at times like I was gasping up for breath in this drowning ocean.

I'm a writer on the cusp of getting published. I have literary and genre cross over skill, but sometimes I wonder if life is ever gonna be anything more than masks and pain.

I can't completely just cut this gal out like every sight says either. I've lost friends like crazy over the past few months.

I've been going through an artistic and intellectual Renaissance but the pain that goes with knowing for certain that I'm in love with something hopeless - it gets to me.

I've lost a lot of friends lately - ones I'd known for years - be it growing too far apart or them seeing I'm no good - two girls that were right on the cusp of cheating on their nice sweet imperfect bfs. Two girls that would have not slipped away if I had lied a little more and pushed my guilt aside a little more, and hadn't relented from them when I thought I was going to catch that psychopath girl I mentioned.

And I'm searching for a way out but I don't know how. I've never really been happy but the happiest point of my life was when my parents were separated and I had a nice place to throw parties, cook for people, have one night stands, and play socialite.

Now - I'm on my own and have no guests after 11 (12 on weekends) just one guest.

I've had to kick people out before it could finish going somewhere. I've had to turn people away at the door.

My vapid escape valves have been clogged. I'm in SF. I'm not a good coder. My only real hope is hoping one of my books draws some bank. That I carve a niche for myself that will let me get back to my still depressing life of vapid pleasantries

So that's my big whirlpool ASD rant. I'm sick of all my masks and sociopaths and pushing people away and not trusting and being let down and being bored by other people and letting them down.

To quote the last line of American Psycho - this is not an exit

 

[tree]

 

[Bella Pines]

Welcome home.

But I guess what I'm getting at is I felt like a hole was opening up in the world and just dragging me into this big abyss

American Psycho is one of my favorite books. I know the sociopath playbook. I'm sorta dating a different self professed psychopath right now - difference is I don't care too much about her.

I feel like I'm on this weird island where I can't relate to empaths or most neurotypicals. I can pretend. I can charm them but I just feel nothing real.

This is where you have chosen to exist. You are more aware than NTs, you are apart and always will be. Your definition of "care" is likely taken from NT society. We will never "care" about anyone like they do, we will never be slaves to emotional upheaval and oscillate between pleasure and trauma.

But try not to see it as "not feeling" or "not caring". Think of us as simply being more in control, more logical. Think of it as aspie caring. We care about people but accepting their presence, by finding them interesting, sometimes fascinating and sometimes getting a little bit obsessed... We care through familiarity. Not through empathy, romance or any of that other NT crap.

When they love me or fall for me or chase me I just snicker at them for being dumb, take it far as I can, bearing no major social repercussions and end it when it becomes too overbearing for me.

They are all dumb, dumb, dumber, exceedingly dumb, naive, voluntarily blind, brainwashed idiots.

But try not to be superior or an a-hole about it. Look on them as kittens and see it as your responsibility to look out for the neuroscientifically challenged.

But I'm not sure I'm a sociopath, not even sure this girl is quite a full on one - given her weird ASD anime obsession span - or her alcoholism and depression.

I don't really know 100% how depression works with sociopaths. I read up a ton last night. I'd always been drawn to the topic, but this time I went deep into the sociopathic mind.

The fact that you are questioning it means you are not. You could be. We all could. Easily. Our ability to compartmentalise and detach ourselves makes for a good assassin. However, it all boils down to choice. With great power comes great responsibility. Being a good person because of some stupid obligation to society is weak. Being a good person because you choose to be so is much harder but worth far more.

It was intriguing but I felt at times like I was gasping up for breath in this drowning ocean.

I'm a writer on the cusp of getting published. I have literary and genre cross over skill, but sometimes I wonder if life is ever gonna be anything more than masks and pain.

Perfect. Many of us here write. I'm into children's books which I am working on with my kids. Aspies have great imaginations and wonderful story telling ability. Good that you have found this out so early.

I can't completely just cut this gal out like every sight says either. I've lost friends like crazy over the past few months.

I've been going through an artistic and intellectual Renaissance but the pain that goes with knowing for certain that I'm in love with something hopeless - it gets to me.

Deal with it.

I've lost a lot of friends lately - ones I'd known for years - be it growing too far apart or them seeing I'm no good - two girls that were right on the cusp of cheating on their nice sweet imperfect bfs. Two girls that would have not slipped away if I had lied a little more and pushed my guilt aside a little more, and hadn't relented from them when I thought I was going to catch that psychopath girl I mentioned.

Deal with it. This will happen your whole life. I'm on my 17th friend group. I tried to go back and reconnect with my college friends but they simply aren't where I am in life. I tried to maintain friendships but my NT friends don't share my interests. I try to be friends at work, but they are all idiots. Except the aspie guy. Who I should like, but just find weird . However, I don't snicker at them, at best I pat them on the head and feed them scraps. Enjoy the friends you have in the moment and try not to overthink it.

And I'm searching for a way out but I don't know how. I've never really been happy but the happiest point of my life was when my parents were separated and I had a nice place to throw parties, cook for people, have one night stands, and play socialite.

You already found it. Novels, stories. Play NT, pretend to fit in. Then when they have all left, take yourself away and write the most amazing stories.

My vapid escape valves have been clogged. I'm in SF. I'm not a good coder. My only real hope is hoping one of my books draws some bank. That I carve a niche for myself that will let me get back to my still depressing life of vapid pleasantries

So that's my big whirlpool ASD rant. I'm sick of all my masks and sociopaths and pushing people away and not trusting and being let down and being bored by other people and letting them down.

Aspies are digital. So whilst there probably is some compromise, I see two options. We put on the mask, pretend to be neurotypical and fit in. Or we drop the mask and worry the sheep.

Good luck with the author career but be practical. It helps to have a fallback so that you are not subject to the whim of some idiot editor that doesn't have your vision. If not software then user interfaces? Technical writing? Just stuff to pay the bills while you work on your novels.

And that would be a good book to make Bret Easton Ellis proud... "Worrying the Sheep".

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

. Being a good person because of some stupid obligation to society is weak. Being a good person because you choose to be so is much harder but worth far more

Liked this. But don't expect any one to notice.