Hello there...next steps if any

[curious_pep]

Hello everyone,

So after years of looking into this, I have finally decided to join a forum and post my thoughts to hopefully hear from others on their opinions on what I should do next...if anything at all.

I am a mid 30's female and have not been formally diagnosed. One main reason is because I have never gone to see any doctor about this. Nor any type of psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or whatever.

I was really curious about self-help and to see if I have actually done this. I want to know more about myself and when I found out about Aspergers, I wondered about...me.

I have never had many friends. I can count on 1 hand the friends I have had. Most of the reason for this is because I judge people harshly and also because I don't really like to talk. It sounds mean, but when I really think about the reason why i don't want to be social with people, the only conclusion I can come to is that I just don't care about what they are saying really. I wish it wasn't how I felt.

With time, I began to struggle because of this and I learned that the only way to make friends was to emulate others. When I did this, I got friends. I began to explain this new found notion as "acting". I felt like I had found the key to making friends. I would act like others and always smile, look in their eye, be interested, etc etc. And it worked. But, I was still really empty inside because i knew it wasn't "real".

I've kept this facade up for all these years and at some points I wonder..."who am i really?". I own a company now and I am quite successful but I have to constantly remind myself to "converse" with my employee's so they know they are appreciated. At meetings with clients, I have to put on that "happy smile" and be social. But it's all fake.
With friends, it's the same thing.

Then I have the critical part of me. I struggle with the above because I also am extremely critical. I get very annoyed when people say things incorrectly. I nit pick and will carry a conversation for 10x longer than it should be simply because I want to make a point and for them to understand why they are wrong. I can't help but interject in a conversation when I hear something that is a lie and I get very perturbed when the person doesn't acknowledge it.

My likes? I am a computer nerd. I love programming. I love learning new things. Math was my favorite subject. I have a good memory concerning only certain things. Quotes, stats, etc. I get caught on one subject and then i am hooked for a long time on it and nothing else will be able to compete. I don't notice people's new hairdo's or clothes, etc.

But then on the other end, I am very creative. I am a musician. I love music and write songs and sing (well, used to). And then I am very witty and have a very dry sense of humor. I have found that drinking helps me get a long with people better.

So, overall my quest is to find out if I am just an insensitive person that lacks social skills. Or if its something else? I just want to know myself better, that's all. I don't like any form of therapy because I do not understand how someone who does not know me fully can diagnose me. And to explain my life to someone in "real life" is not something that will come easy to me because I know I will just end up "acting". So, when I talk to them, it's not the real me. Its the me that has learned how to be with people.

And i contradict myself completely with the above paragraph because I am here on a forum talking to strangers asking for their advise. But, typing is so much easier than talking out loud so I probably have said more here than I could have ever said in person.

Overall, I just want to know if I "self helped" myself and this thing that I have called "acting" has assisted me through life in order to blend in and "make it". Otherwise, I would be content alone. But there has always been this yearning to be accepted and have friends and therefore I have to make myself "act" and emulate others. The only thing I have to work on is the judgement part now and being so critical. People know me as stubborn, argumentative and someone that is "always right".

Sorry for the long post. I appreciate you reading this far and hope that my introduction was not out of line.

 

[King_Oni]

Hi and welcome to Aspiescentral

As for your story, and where to go now, and also, much like what I said in the shoutbox. Where to go and how do you know if you do have Asperger's, is something a doctor might tell you more about.

I don't think I speak for just myself, but a lot of people on this forum have found reasonable difficulty in everyday functioning, which might have led to a diagnosis and eventually services.

Truth be told, there is no such thing as therapy that makes you less Aspergerical (or autistic, whichever you prefer), it's mainly a way to deal with things, learn some social cues. And I'm someone who think it's not just a "because you've had therapy, you should function" type of deal. People should be willing to meet you in the middle to some extent.

Finding out things about yourself is a tough one, especially if you're atypical and as such have a different "blueprint" as neurotypical people. It pretty much means you can't assume that what everyone does, does in fact work for you. I felt that over time the notion of "normal" became a vague blur.

The big question probably is, and that's also where in some places, doctors aren't that liberal with referring you to a specialist for a proper diagnosis; "How much does it impair your everyday functioning? Do you have a job? Can you hold a job?" and the list of problems you might run into in daily life goes on from there. If those seem impossible, then a doctor might look for a referral so you get it documented and apply for services if needed. (but that's just my personal experience within the system of doctors etc.)

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Hi Curious_pep! Welcome to Aspies Central.

As Oni elaborates, I think at least trying to give a doctor a chance would be beneficial for you. I know you're not really fond of the idea, but I think it would be beneficial because you will gain a conformation of what you already know about yourself. A doctor or therapist might also have useful advice on how to cope with situations you face with - they might even suggest something you may not have even thought about. I suggest this based on my personality: I am sometimes stubborn about my opinions at times and I don't tend to think of the usefulness that might arise from the advice someone gives me.

My recommendation for you is to definitely seek out the advice of what others have to say on this forum. Feel free to ask any questions you need or make yourself a part of a conversation if you have anything interesting to share. I think you will definitely benefit from what we have to say. Everyone here is extremely friendly and caring (I like to call us a close-knit family because of these qualities).

I don't think you're an insensitive person; many of the qualities you display are quite common for individuals who are on the spectrum (even those who don't have a diagnosis).

Another thing I agree with you about is that sometimes trying to socialize feels "forced" in some situations. This feeling used to be really apparent when I was younger, especially when I was in middle school. On another note, I also find it easier to type out my answers than speaking them out loud - I tend to say things like "um" and "like" a lot, and I even say words I do not mean to say even though I know in my head exactly what I want to say.

Hope our advice is helpful for you.

 

[Serendipity]

Welcome to AspiesCentral!

 

[rhubarbo]

Welcome !

In another forum I wrote this to another person about whether they should consider a diagnosis and proceeding - it applies a bit here:

"In my case I was constantly second guessing whether I had AS. It's totally obvious but the diagnosis, for me, meant that I can finally stop considering whether I had it and start doing something about it. In other words I moved from wondering to acting. Since then I have been able to recognize situations and actions that can be problematic - and avoid or take action. In practice these things are working for me and are daily making my life better (with the usual setbacks).

So, for me, it has meant a great deal and the only regret was waiting. "

I guess, fundamentally, I am sharing that simply to say that taking and "next steps" can be deeply rewarded. You will learn a lot about yourself. I can say that I am generally been happier once I accepted and started working with my diagnosis. Whether you ever seek a formal diagnosis is up to you but I'd encourage you to learn about this and see where it takes you.

 

[NeverEnder]

Hello and welcome