Jesse
Well-Known Member
Hello. I'm a new member to this site and relatively new to the Autistic world.
Well that is perhaps a little misleading because what I really mean is that I was only diagnosed as an Aspie two and a half years ago and before that I hadn't been aware what the term meant.
I was born on a farm in Yorkshire, England, UK and lived there until I was 29. I didn't enjoy school at all and much preferred to be at home on the farm. My parents became born again Christians when I was 9 and a year or so later I chose the same path. I always felt so different to everyone at School but I put this down to being a country boy and a Christian; i.e. I thought that there were good reasons why I was so different to all those around me.
Through Church I met a wonderful young lady who was happy to befriend me and she became my first girlfriend at the age of 27. A year later we were married and very quickly our blissful happiness turned into a nightmare. I really struggled to be married and my wife really struggled with me too. Within months of getting married in decided to leave the family farming business in order to study at University and start a new life with my wife away from all the problems we had encountered on the farm.
My wife was rather disappointed to find that I didn't change more when I left the farm - especially my very strong work ethic and feeling very stressed unless I felt on top of everything. These qualities served me well at University and I graduated with a first class honors degree but they did cause stresses on my married life. My wife also felt a huge lack due to my perceived lack of empathy, my quietness (especially after being challenged about something) and my general emotional immaturity.
Four years ago my wife's mother became very ill and eventually died from bowel cancer. The different way that I handle grief almost killed our relationship. In a last effort to save our marriage I agreed to attend counseling; something I had always previously refused to do because I blamed all of our problems on my wife's 'unreasonable behaviour.
Counseling really didn't help at all. The reason for this, I think, is because the counselor could only hear my side of the story - and from this perspective my feelings and reactions seemed perfectly understandable. After a while I changed to seeing a different counselor who occasionally met with my wife as well as me. Many months into the counseling he asked my wife if she had ever considered that I might have Aspergers Syndrome. We had never heard of it but the more we investigated the more things from our relationship made sense.
We tried very hard to get a referral for an assessment from our Dr but to no avail. It really does seem almost impossible to get the funding in the UK unless you are highly depressed perhaps; we certainly were given a very firm no. And so we ended up, with little other choice, visiting Maxine Aston in Coventry and paying her for an assessment. We know that she had written several books about Aspergers and seemed to have the respect of others e.g. Tony Attwood who had written supportive forewords for her books. She concluded that I am definitely an Aspie and this has changed our lifes.
It hasn't been easy to understand or accept what it really means and we are still struggling in our relationship but at least we are now making progress and improving things. I have also joined a local National Autistic Society support group and made some good friends there. This has helped me considerably on my journey to come to terms with who I am.
I now teach on the same University course from which I graduated. This is a god send as it has given me somewhere to go where I can get a break from our marriage and feel better about myself.
We also have a lovely 10 year old daughter who shares many of my AS traits. She is currently being assessed by our local mental health team so we will see what comes of that.
There is so much more that I could say about my daughter particularly in relation to schooling which has been very problematic. I will save that one for another time as I have probably written far too much already. I hope that what I have written has given you some insight into who I am and where I have come from. I look forward to hearing from some of you.
All the best, Jesse.
Well that is perhaps a little misleading because what I really mean is that I was only diagnosed as an Aspie two and a half years ago and before that I hadn't been aware what the term meant.
I was born on a farm in Yorkshire, England, UK and lived there until I was 29. I didn't enjoy school at all and much preferred to be at home on the farm. My parents became born again Christians when I was 9 and a year or so later I chose the same path. I always felt so different to everyone at School but I put this down to being a country boy and a Christian; i.e. I thought that there were good reasons why I was so different to all those around me.
Through Church I met a wonderful young lady who was happy to befriend me and she became my first girlfriend at the age of 27. A year later we were married and very quickly our blissful happiness turned into a nightmare. I really struggled to be married and my wife really struggled with me too. Within months of getting married in decided to leave the family farming business in order to study at University and start a new life with my wife away from all the problems we had encountered on the farm.
My wife was rather disappointed to find that I didn't change more when I left the farm - especially my very strong work ethic and feeling very stressed unless I felt on top of everything. These qualities served me well at University and I graduated with a first class honors degree but they did cause stresses on my married life. My wife also felt a huge lack due to my perceived lack of empathy, my quietness (especially after being challenged about something) and my general emotional immaturity.
Four years ago my wife's mother became very ill and eventually died from bowel cancer. The different way that I handle grief almost killed our relationship. In a last effort to save our marriage I agreed to attend counseling; something I had always previously refused to do because I blamed all of our problems on my wife's 'unreasonable behaviour.
Counseling really didn't help at all. The reason for this, I think, is because the counselor could only hear my side of the story - and from this perspective my feelings and reactions seemed perfectly understandable. After a while I changed to seeing a different counselor who occasionally met with my wife as well as me. Many months into the counseling he asked my wife if she had ever considered that I might have Aspergers Syndrome. We had never heard of it but the more we investigated the more things from our relationship made sense.
We tried very hard to get a referral for an assessment from our Dr but to no avail. It really does seem almost impossible to get the funding in the UK unless you are highly depressed perhaps; we certainly were given a very firm no. And so we ended up, with little other choice, visiting Maxine Aston in Coventry and paying her for an assessment. We know that she had written several books about Aspergers and seemed to have the respect of others e.g. Tony Attwood who had written supportive forewords for her books. She concluded that I am definitely an Aspie and this has changed our lifes.
It hasn't been easy to understand or accept what it really means and we are still struggling in our relationship but at least we are now making progress and improving things. I have also joined a local National Autistic Society support group and made some good friends there. This has helped me considerably on my journey to come to terms with who I am.
I now teach on the same University course from which I graduated. This is a god send as it has given me somewhere to go where I can get a break from our marriage and feel better about myself.
We also have a lovely 10 year old daughter who shares many of my AS traits. She is currently being assessed by our local mental health team so we will see what comes of that.
There is so much more that I could say about my daughter particularly in relation to schooling which has been very problematic. I will save that one for another time as I have probably written far too much already. I hope that what I have written has given you some insight into who I am and where I have come from. I look forward to hearing from some of you.
All the best, Jesse.
