Hello to all!

[Guitar Nut]

Hi. My name is Mark and I'm a 53 year old dad from Western New York. I'm not on the spectrum, but my 16 year old son is. We call him A.J. and he's been diagnosed with Asperger's about 4 years ago. His mom and I are divorced, and I have full custody. It's been a real challenge raising my son. Hopefully I can receive some help, advice and comfort from the forum community here.


Let me tell you what it is I go through. His obsession is video gaming, especially Xbox games. He lacks motivation with school work and his grades show it. (We had a 504 plan and now an IEP). He has “rigid thinking” which drives me crazy, over-reacts to simple upsets, anger and defiance issues. He also has ADD issues such as inattention in school, missing homework, is extremely disorganized, forgetfulness, procrastination, constantly loses items like his house keys.


He also has another problem that drives me crazy. I not sure if this is typical for an Asperger's teen, but please let me know what you think. I call it “gross indecision and waffling”. In a nutshell, my son can't make a decision on anything! For example, he will rearrange his bedroom furniture 6 times in one week! One day he wants to go to summer camp, the next day he doesn't. Out of the blue, he declares he wants to sell his Xbox and spend time on other things. So, he sells his Xbox and within a week he goes out and buys another one! When we shop for clothes, he changes his mind on clothing items at least 3 or 4 times! Going to Kohl's for “just two shirts” can turn into a 90 minute ordeal for me. I have to threaten him that I'm walking out the door if he changes his mind again. Has anyone heard of such behavior in an Aspie teen? The reason I ask is because I've never seen it mentioned in any of my books or research. It makes me wonder if my son can ever make an important decision in his life because obviously he never considers the ramifications. How can he select a college or a car or a mate?


Anyway, these are some of the things that I worry about as a parent. I love my son and want to do what's best for him. I look forward to chatting with all of you.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC, Mark. One thing to keep in mind. That we may or may not share various combinations and intensities of traits and behaviors, as well as combinations (or lack of) comorbid conditions. All across a spectrum of autism.

In other words, there's really nothing "typical" when it comes to ASD. It's complex to say the least.

 

[Sander]

Welcome to AC Mark,

A few things you write about, I can relate to. Especially the indecisive part. I just can't choose between two things I like both. The best at that point is helping him. For example with the clothes, if he has found two shirts he can't choose between, just say which one you like, after that you wait a little or give some arguments why. Let him rethink it and if he still doesn't decide, you take the one you like.

For school I've got the same, I think it's a lack of motivation. I want to have my dream job later, but the school I have to get through, I couldn't care less about that. But I might have a tip, if he gets good grades on his list, (I don't know if the school year/ semester is separated in parts) at the end of each part you take a look at his grades, and for a B he gets lets say 5$. But it will only work if he cares about money.

I might adress the other things later as I've ran out of time now.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

I haven't ever read about anything as you have described, but I used to know a guy who would do the same with his possessions. He'd buy these collectible trading cards for $200, then sell them for $20 a month later, and 12 months later buy the same trading cards again. He'd do this with all his possessions, and often, and would even give away too much money to beggars on the street (he gave away $50 once, then had no money for the rest of the week for himself). He'd enroll in to adult classes, but never sees them through (skipped most classes, and failed), but would enrol in to the same class every year, for 4-5 years in a row, and repeat it all.

He also got really in to Amway - pyramid scheme scams. He boasted that he had made $6,000 over 6 years, but had spent about $20,000 of his own money, in order to get there. His friends would explain to him that he was loosing money, and he would listen to their advice, and agree that he should give it up, but later he would ignore this, and continue as normal - (AUS: Dealing With Cult Victims).

I don't know him anymore I'm afraid, but when I did, he was about 24-25 years old, and had quite a lot of issues with his family. He often told people that his dad was abusive, and that he had several other issues with the rest of his family.

I don't know the cause, or the solution, I'm afraid, but after knowing this guy, I knew he desperately needed help, and I felt he would be trapped in that vicious cycle for life, as his family never sought to help him.

I'm sorry if I've scared you, but I just wanted to share my experience with a young adult, in a similar situation. Your son is lucky that you are at least taking an interest, so I have higher hopes that he can kick this. I would recommend trying a therapist, as it seems like it could be a deep-seeded issue, or perhaps he has trouble with his memory (as I often felt this guy did).

I hope you find an answer

 

[Peace]

A lot of this sounds familiar to me, but the help you need is multi faceted and in depth. I would start with diet. It can make a world of difference. Counseling or therapy might also be a good idea, for both of you. I appreciate his difficulty in school, and would guess that like me, he is just bored and cannot keep his concentration.
Good luck, and it sounds like you are a Great Dad.

 

[artfull dodger]

I can decide, but then a week, a month or a couple months I will change my mind. All relating to my hobbies for the most part as they are my obsessions. They call it flipping. Atleast with a decent job now, I dont have to sell stuff to flip, but can instead, put that item away for awhile, till I flip back to it again. Mike

 

[Salmongirl17]

Hello and Welcome!!

Actually, your son sounds a lot like me. If I go shopping "just to look around" or "get 1 or 2 outfits", it takes FOREVER.

I just never realize it. My mom obviously does though.

I can never decide what I like best/decision-making, either.

 

[golightly]

You have raised a lot of issues here and it sounds like you're doing your best to be a loving and supportive dad. God bless you! It's not easy. As a person with Aspergers I would say that I do change my mind a lot, depending on my mood which changes a lot, depending on my energy level etc. Maybe you could talk to your son about the reasons he's thinking about cutting out video games, they could be positive. Maybe he's worried that he is addicted to them and doesn't like that. Perhaps you could help him create a balanced activity schedule including video games as well as other activities (many people with Aspergers enjoy having a schedule, it helps them feel organized and reassured). If there are activities he wants to start or explore, perhaps you could help him find ways to engage in those. He may have a lot of ideas of things he wants to do or try, but not know how to get started or be able to navigate the many steps involved.

As for shopping, that can be a major area of difficulty for people on the spectrum. For example, two days ago I had to buy some clothes and other stuff, and I spent about four hours choosing out things. I was exhausted for the rest of the day and the next day too. The problem is that there are too many choices and how to make the best one? Another problem is sensory overload. He may not be able to put this into words but it's possible he is experiencing this. Basically, lots of people, things to look at, noises (store music or PA systems or noisy children), fluorescent lights. All of this can add up to overwhelm, and add that on top of trying to make decisions which is mentally taxing. Have you explored online shopping? Eg. Old Navy, Gap. Once you know his size, this might be an easier option for both dad and son instead of going to the store. Good luck and hang in there.

 

[golightly]

PS I agree with Peace that some professional support for your son (and you) is in order, if you don't already have something in place. Try and find out if there's any help in your community that's geared toward Aspergers, such as life skills, organizational skills, coaching, that will help him learn some basic helps for himself. It can be too much to deal with all on your own.