• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Hello. Wife of AS

R

ridingthewaves

Active Member
Hi. I have been married for almost 21 years. We have two teenage children together. My marriage has been completely unfulfilling. No compassion, empathy or ability to be supportive in times of need. My husband has been very rule oriented, anger when things don't fit these rules and as a result has controlled our household with intimidation. He and i embarked on marital therapy a little over a year ago and through this process, it has become clear my husband is definitely on the spectrum. Our therapist said he is consistently consistent with having AS, but he won't do an official screening as it is not a matter of "if" but "what do we do about it".

So I am am here to learn more about adults being diagnosed with AS and for support for myself and our children. I look forward to meeting you all and welcome any and all advice/support.
 
Welcome :)

Sorry to hear that things are tough in your marriage. I hope you can find the answers you need here.

One piece of advice I would give you would be to try to best understand the core traits of AS, and your husband, and this will hopefully make life a bit easier. Although everyone with AS differs slightly, many of us do have common traits that you may find familiar, so perhaps listing his traits, or reading through posts would be beneficial in pin pointing these.

A few traits that might apply to your husband could include things such as trouble reading social cues, or trouble communicating his needs. If this is the case, I would sit down occasionally, and ask him specific questions; how do you feel? Is something upsetting you? What do you need me to do to fix this? Would you like me to.... Etc. Many people with Aspergers may need help, but don't think to ask, so this would help alleviate some stress he may be experiencing. As well as this, be sure to be honest in telling him how you feel, clearly, so that he has the opportunity to properly empathise with your situation too.

I hope that helped. Any questions, feel free to ask :)
 
I am so sorry to hear that your marriage has been a difficult one. I hope that, through interaction here, you'll learn more about AS, and perhaps discover some ways to help yourself and your kids.

Best wishes.
 
I would recommend the works of Tony Atwood. One of the world's foremost experts, (and my favorite expert) on AS. He has a website several books, and there are many excellent youtube videos consisting of interviews with him on the subject.

The best book on AS/NT marriages that I know of is Aspergers Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford.
I've known different adult men in real life with AS, two of them married. One of those who was married had a very happy marriage, the other one had a marriage like what you described

Remember, AS might explain some things about your husband, but it does not explain everything. He is an individual, and the rest of us with AS are individuals too.

.
 
No compassion, empathy or ability to be supportive in times of need. My husband has been very rule oriented, anger when things don't fit these rules and as a result has controlled our household with intimidation.

Hi Riding the Waves and welcome,

I find it interesting how you've written your description of your husband and your marraige. The part I bolded may be Aspergers related, but the part I italisised could be coping machanisms he has developed. I think it's important to differentiate between what is the aspie trait, and what is the coping mechanism; another person could have his exact same challenges but deal with it differently. Finding out all you can about Aspergers will help you figure out when to give him compassion and effort to understand and communicate, but at other times I think it will be appropriate for you to be absolutely adamant he does not treat you in that manner again. I appreciate knowing when is the time for each could be difficult.

I wish you all the best,
Christy
 
Hi Waves,
This account, struck such a chord in me, that I felt compelled to comment. In my 24 yr marriage, with my wife, i was the perpetrator of those acts against my wife. She suffered terribly as a result of my stubbornness and refusal to get help. I devalued her opionion, in order to live in my blissful ignorance. When she bought emotion to the conversation, my logical mind, muddied my understanding of the situation. It caused that much anxiety in me, that I refused to accept, that I was capable of mistreating my wife in this way.
The only way forward, for my wife, was an Ultimatum. Get help or im gone. I sought help from a physcologist, who was familiar with Aspergers. He told me that, despite having a diagnosis some years earlier, I have a responsiblity, to manage it. With my own cold hard logic,from my own mouth, he trapped me in my lies. Remembering that these lies can be as innocent as a different perspective, but just as damaging. He taught me how to manage my anxiety and be more supportive of my wife. Things are improving because we have more open and clear conversation. Im in no way suggesting you give your husband an ultimatum, as I dont know the extent of his condition. He does however need help. There are certain things, as Aspie's, that we arnt in control of, however, with an open mind there are strategies available to the physcologist, to make us a little more accountable. What I have found, in working on myself, is an improvement of quality of life, of those around me.
Im no expert waves, but ive learnt much about the condition, and this strategy worked on me. Yes he may have Aspergers, but if he wants to co exist with an NT, he needs to be willing to give some ground. Hope this helps.
Cheers
Turk
 
Wow. I am touched by the responses. Thank you all so much. Especially Turk. You seem to know exactly where my husband is and is heading. I wish you two could have lunch!

I know that my husbands presentation is a combination of Aspergers and his own coping with it. First things first. He is just learning he might have this. I say might because the doc was subtle. And aspies don't do subtle well. So at our next marital meeting he will make it clear to him.

Next, I need to do right by me. I have endured years of what I consider emotional neglect, and even abuse from him - aspie related or not. I have developed a pretty severe eating disorder from this as well and am currently in my third treatment center. I need to figure out how to handle all this and I appreciate all your feedback and support.

Thanks you guys!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom