whitewolf
Active Member
Hello everyone,
It is some time that I have been pondering the idea that I may be an Aspie, but I am not sure. Of course, I am aware that only an official diagnosis can settle the matter but I thought that exposing a bit of myself may help to get me started on the road to diagnosis or, on the contrary, some external input may reassure me that I am just exaggerating. I have to apologize in advance for my English, since I am not a native speaker.
To begin with, I think I display some autistic traits. It is a recurrent joke in my family to say that I am a bit autistic. This is due to the fact that I have always liked strict routines, I always fiddle with things, get lost in thought when experiencing pleasant tactile sensations, like velvet or other smooth materials, I arrange things in geometrical patterns all the time, I am oversensitive to temperature changes, I also pace in patterns - I get annoyed for example if while walking I have to cross the border between two tiles and I often move from tile to tile according to the horse rule on a chessboard. I must say, however, that I have learnt subconsciously to suppress this kind of behavior. I have noticed that it remerges only when I feel in a safe situation i.e. at home, when nobody is looking or with my family. In fact, I remember a few occasions in my childhood in which my mother scolded me for looking like an autistic boy, telling me to stop or otherwise she worried. The problem however was never brought to the attention of a specialist, since my father strongly opposed the idea and thought I was just very shy: I tended to hide from strangers, I had nervous breakdowns, I always played alone, my only friend was a child who was also on the spectrum, I was tense in social situations and often ill. My reaction also was of denial, because I equalled in my mind autistic and retarded and I didn't feel retarded at all: I found the schoolwork easy and boring and earned high grades, which helped me to gain social respect and avoid bullying. I had very few friends and over the years I have also cut down some friendships, since I didn't find them meaningful. I have no patience for pretending or social chit chat: for me, a conversation should be an exchange of opinions or facts, not of social pleasantries like what I ate yesterday. I often feel uneasy about social situations, especially when I am supposed to act 'spontaneously'. That's because I do things spontaneously in my own way, I don't see for example how a person can be spontaneous walking with hands in his pockets and similar attitudes of forced spontaneity seem just false and unnatural to me. I avoid eye contact and nonverbal language because I don't think it is necessary and only the verbal part of communication matters - when I read things like ' 90% of communication is nonverbal' I feel angered and depressed because I equate nonverbal language to lying and I don't accept social lies. These days, I still have no close friend or girlfriend and virtually no social life; however, I feel productive and happy, because I have my physics studies to keep me busy.
In conclusion, I am not interested in getting a diagnose because I think I have a problem, since I still feel happier than most; but I am worried about people worrying about myself and I always feel part of a different world. Thank you for your time.
It is some time that I have been pondering the idea that I may be an Aspie, but I am not sure. Of course, I am aware that only an official diagnosis can settle the matter but I thought that exposing a bit of myself may help to get me started on the road to diagnosis or, on the contrary, some external input may reassure me that I am just exaggerating. I have to apologize in advance for my English, since I am not a native speaker.
To begin with, I think I display some autistic traits. It is a recurrent joke in my family to say that I am a bit autistic. This is due to the fact that I have always liked strict routines, I always fiddle with things, get lost in thought when experiencing pleasant tactile sensations, like velvet or other smooth materials, I arrange things in geometrical patterns all the time, I am oversensitive to temperature changes, I also pace in patterns - I get annoyed for example if while walking I have to cross the border between two tiles and I often move from tile to tile according to the horse rule on a chessboard. I must say, however, that I have learnt subconsciously to suppress this kind of behavior. I have noticed that it remerges only when I feel in a safe situation i.e. at home, when nobody is looking or with my family. In fact, I remember a few occasions in my childhood in which my mother scolded me for looking like an autistic boy, telling me to stop or otherwise she worried. The problem however was never brought to the attention of a specialist, since my father strongly opposed the idea and thought I was just very shy: I tended to hide from strangers, I had nervous breakdowns, I always played alone, my only friend was a child who was also on the spectrum, I was tense in social situations and often ill. My reaction also was of denial, because I equalled in my mind autistic and retarded and I didn't feel retarded at all: I found the schoolwork easy and boring and earned high grades, which helped me to gain social respect and avoid bullying. I had very few friends and over the years I have also cut down some friendships, since I didn't find them meaningful. I have no patience for pretending or social chit chat: for me, a conversation should be an exchange of opinions or facts, not of social pleasantries like what I ate yesterday. I often feel uneasy about social situations, especially when I am supposed to act 'spontaneously'. That's because I do things spontaneously in my own way, I don't see for example how a person can be spontaneous walking with hands in his pockets and similar attitudes of forced spontaneity seem just false and unnatural to me. I avoid eye contact and nonverbal language because I don't think it is necessary and only the verbal part of communication matters - when I read things like ' 90% of communication is nonverbal' I feel angered and depressed because I equate nonverbal language to lying and I don't accept social lies. These days, I still have no close friend or girlfriend and virtually no social life; however, I feel productive and happy, because I have my physics studies to keep me busy.
In conclusion, I am not interested in getting a diagnose because I think I have a problem, since I still feel happier than most; but I am worried about people worrying about myself and I always feel part of a different world. Thank you for your time.
