Like everyone else here, I'm new. And like some others (I assume) I'm not the only person without a DX who's thinking they should pursue one. My name is Amber, I'm 25, DFaB/female, and I live in Ontario, Canada. I live with my fiance and our pets, including my Service Dog (who is officially for managing severe anxiety)
I feel like I always have to start at the beginning to explain... But in February of 2013 I was part of a social service worker college program. During a behavioural modification class our professor was talking about stims/calming repetitive behaviours. He listed and demonstrated some he'd seen while working, then asked how many students did things like that. I know there's a bias (most people won't admit to "embarrassing" or otherising things) but only 3 other students put their hands up. He asked if they'd been diagnoses with anything and everyone shared (ADD, ASD, and ASD) and I didn't have anything.
This was before my anxiety diagnosis so this bothered me for months before I sought help. The college therapist talked to me and told me she didn't think I was autistic because the people she worked with who were didn't care (and I was distraught) but she did want to target my anxiety. Unfortunately opening that floodgate, well... I have a lot of difficulty managing my anxiety, especially in/about social situations, but if I default to not dealing with it I eventually have a breakdown, in 4-5 month cycles.
But recently I read an article about how ASD is under diagnosed in girls, especially women. And I realised I had let the idea go based on the notion that I *cared* about seeking a diagnosis, and that my anxiety was getting the better of me at the time. Reasonably different autistic individuals will respond differently, and some WILL care. Also, the people she was referring to had been diagnosed already, while I was desperately trying to "fix" myself, or find an explanation.
I have yet to approach any doctors with this because my GP is a quack (I once got an hour long lecture on the paleo diet when I went in for unexplainable long term pain) I have read articles on ASDs and taken every quiz under the sun. My fiance is concerned I may have a selection bias, but I actually answered one (the FQ I believe) thinking I was doing great and answering to get a good female NT score... Then I got a 30. I've also receives very ASD indicative scores on the EQ, SQ, RDOS test, AQ (short and long form) and match most of the "female asperger's traits" list. My scores are worse than my sibling's, who was DX'd at 5 years old, although my mother refused to follow through. I know these things aren't diagnostic... But the deeper I dig the more I worry I'm simultaneously looking for dragons where they don't exist, and finally finding an answer for my life.
As a kid my extended family felt something was "wrong" with me because I was quiet, had no friends, didn't tantrum, didn't interact with strangers, taught myself to read early, etc. I was considered shy and gifted until I went to school, where I made one friend in a group who otherwise thought I was "weird", though I could never figure out why. I couldn't concentrate in classes and spent my time drawing and reading. When I had to switch schools I could not figure out the social status quo at the new school and ended up severely bullied. I was moved again and the same thing happened. By the time I hit high school (11, I was in Quebec) I was trying as hard as I could. I was still "weird", bullying turned from physical to emotional, I made two friends and obsessively researched and mirrored their likes. For a while that worked! All I had to do was nod and parrot back to them. But over summers social interaction just slipped out of my head, so I had to start over every year. I was exhausted and worried someone would catch on all the time.
Then we moved to Ontario. A boy paid attention to me and I was gone, I spent from 13 to 19 in an abusive relationship. I had no idea what to do, but I think that's common in those situations. I let social interaction go because he didn't like sharing me. I interacted with enough students to have someone to sit with at lunch so I didn't feel "watched". But someone who disliked me spread a rumour I was a thief, and everyone went away. Bullying got worse, teachers joined in (ugh) and my mom moved me to a second Ontarian high school. I repeated the process with students who were younger than me, kept myself more distant from them, and stayed home a lot. My senior year I missed literally half the year.
When I no longer felt like I needed a wall of people to protect me, I stopped talking to them. We had next to nothing in common anyway and I spent no free time with them. I became depressed and spent a good chunk of time doing nothing. Moved in with my boyfriend, moved out again, finally left him. My parents had divorced so my father, sibling and I moved to a new city. I got a job, but I had given up trying to understand people. I ended up leaving due to anxiety, though I didn't know it. This happened at every job I've had since, escalating to panic attacks and dissociation. I met a guy and ended up in another abusive relationship, though it only lasted a few months. I decided I was tired of everything and wanted to be reckless! ... And ended up in a healthy long term relationship. Go figure. I attended college and dropped out halfway through the first year. I tried again and that was the SSW program I had to leave due to anxiety.
I still suck at people. I have a couple of long term internet friends, but I don't often talk to them. I don't seek interaction, and didn't in my classes. Part of me wishes I had a good friend, but it's such a hassle to keep up with. I can spend hours in the same room as my fiance and say nothing, just listen to him talk, and nod or make responsive sounds. I get obsessive about things and I am basically always researching SOMETHING. When I do talk to people I tend to over share or ramble on, and I've only just started picking up on when they may not actually be interested in what I'm saying. For example, I'm part of a WRAP group at a mental health clinic, and I have babbled about my (truly awesome) live dirt in my terrarium. I find it fascinating! But after I realised that maybe poop eating micro bugs aren't everyone's thing.
But here's the thing, if you managed to read all of that: I don't know what is what. I could just be an anxious, socially inappropriate introvert. But when I read about ASDs I really get this "these are my people!" vibe. Then I step away and think, well, why do you think that? Do you have examples? Cite your sources! And my anxiety kicks in and I wonder if I'm just, well, over thinking. I don't even know what would be relevant to bring to a doctor when I say I think I may have an ASD. Does refusing to attend school due to bullying over "being weird", to the point that I transferred 6 times, sound relevant? Does, "I can identify the taxonomy of various Amazonian fish species based on their body shape, fins, and jaw," count as obsessive interests?
I'm....over sharing. And over thinking.
This is my life. Hello! My name is Amber and maybe I'm on the spectrum?
I feel like I always have to start at the beginning to explain... But in February of 2013 I was part of a social service worker college program. During a behavioural modification class our professor was talking about stims/calming repetitive behaviours. He listed and demonstrated some he'd seen while working, then asked how many students did things like that. I know there's a bias (most people won't admit to "embarrassing" or otherising things) but only 3 other students put their hands up. He asked if they'd been diagnoses with anything and everyone shared (ADD, ASD, and ASD) and I didn't have anything.
This was before my anxiety diagnosis so this bothered me for months before I sought help. The college therapist talked to me and told me she didn't think I was autistic because the people she worked with who were didn't care (and I was distraught) but she did want to target my anxiety. Unfortunately opening that floodgate, well... I have a lot of difficulty managing my anxiety, especially in/about social situations, but if I default to not dealing with it I eventually have a breakdown, in 4-5 month cycles.
But recently I read an article about how ASD is under diagnosed in girls, especially women. And I realised I had let the idea go based on the notion that I *cared* about seeking a diagnosis, and that my anxiety was getting the better of me at the time. Reasonably different autistic individuals will respond differently, and some WILL care. Also, the people she was referring to had been diagnosed already, while I was desperately trying to "fix" myself, or find an explanation.
I have yet to approach any doctors with this because my GP is a quack (I once got an hour long lecture on the paleo diet when I went in for unexplainable long term pain) I have read articles on ASDs and taken every quiz under the sun. My fiance is concerned I may have a selection bias, but I actually answered one (the FQ I believe) thinking I was doing great and answering to get a good female NT score... Then I got a 30. I've also receives very ASD indicative scores on the EQ, SQ, RDOS test, AQ (short and long form) and match most of the "female asperger's traits" list. My scores are worse than my sibling's, who was DX'd at 5 years old, although my mother refused to follow through. I know these things aren't diagnostic... But the deeper I dig the more I worry I'm simultaneously looking for dragons where they don't exist, and finally finding an answer for my life.
As a kid my extended family felt something was "wrong" with me because I was quiet, had no friends, didn't tantrum, didn't interact with strangers, taught myself to read early, etc. I was considered shy and gifted until I went to school, where I made one friend in a group who otherwise thought I was "weird", though I could never figure out why. I couldn't concentrate in classes and spent my time drawing and reading. When I had to switch schools I could not figure out the social status quo at the new school and ended up severely bullied. I was moved again and the same thing happened. By the time I hit high school (11, I was in Quebec) I was trying as hard as I could. I was still "weird", bullying turned from physical to emotional, I made two friends and obsessively researched and mirrored their likes. For a while that worked! All I had to do was nod and parrot back to them. But over summers social interaction just slipped out of my head, so I had to start over every year. I was exhausted and worried someone would catch on all the time.
Then we moved to Ontario. A boy paid attention to me and I was gone, I spent from 13 to 19 in an abusive relationship. I had no idea what to do, but I think that's common in those situations. I let social interaction go because he didn't like sharing me. I interacted with enough students to have someone to sit with at lunch so I didn't feel "watched". But someone who disliked me spread a rumour I was a thief, and everyone went away. Bullying got worse, teachers joined in (ugh) and my mom moved me to a second Ontarian high school. I repeated the process with students who were younger than me, kept myself more distant from them, and stayed home a lot. My senior year I missed literally half the year.
When I no longer felt like I needed a wall of people to protect me, I stopped talking to them. We had next to nothing in common anyway and I spent no free time with them. I became depressed and spent a good chunk of time doing nothing. Moved in with my boyfriend, moved out again, finally left him. My parents had divorced so my father, sibling and I moved to a new city. I got a job, but I had given up trying to understand people. I ended up leaving due to anxiety, though I didn't know it. This happened at every job I've had since, escalating to panic attacks and dissociation. I met a guy and ended up in another abusive relationship, though it only lasted a few months. I decided I was tired of everything and wanted to be reckless! ... And ended up in a healthy long term relationship. Go figure. I attended college and dropped out halfway through the first year. I tried again and that was the SSW program I had to leave due to anxiety.
I still suck at people. I have a couple of long term internet friends, but I don't often talk to them. I don't seek interaction, and didn't in my classes. Part of me wishes I had a good friend, but it's such a hassle to keep up with. I can spend hours in the same room as my fiance and say nothing, just listen to him talk, and nod or make responsive sounds. I get obsessive about things and I am basically always researching SOMETHING. When I do talk to people I tend to over share or ramble on, and I've only just started picking up on when they may not actually be interested in what I'm saying. For example, I'm part of a WRAP group at a mental health clinic, and I have babbled about my (truly awesome) live dirt in my terrarium. I find it fascinating! But after I realised that maybe poop eating micro bugs aren't everyone's thing.
But here's the thing, if you managed to read all of that: I don't know what is what. I could just be an anxious, socially inappropriate introvert. But when I read about ASDs I really get this "these are my people!" vibe. Then I step away and think, well, why do you think that? Do you have examples? Cite your sources! And my anxiety kicks in and I wonder if I'm just, well, over thinking. I don't even know what would be relevant to bring to a doctor when I say I think I may have an ASD. Does refusing to attend school due to bullying over "being weird", to the point that I transferred 6 times, sound relevant? Does, "I can identify the taxonomy of various Amazonian fish species based on their body shape, fins, and jaw," count as obsessive interests?
I'm....over sharing. And over thinking.
This is my life. Hello! My name is Amber and maybe I'm on the spectrum?
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