Hello :)

[Aussie]

Hey all, I joined here cause I have been looking for resources and people to talk to about understanding my 11 year old daughter, she was diagnosed a few years ago with mild aspbergers and it has helped us alot in understanding her meltdowns, and just the way she behaves in general, but we are still struggling with helping her understand just things in general, for instance the importance of personal hygiene, or keeping the floor of her room clean etc, we are not sure if she really does not understand why these kinds things are important or how else to explain why things change as she grows older, or why we need rules etc

she is an incredible girl who loves art and animals, we moved 4 years ago from Australia to Switzerland and she has mastered German fairly well and is well adjusted but its been getting harder as she grows older(hello puberty)for us and her and we really want to do everything possible to help her grow into teenagehood as smoothly as possible

Thanks for reading

 

[ksheehan88]

Hi and welcome

 

[Guppyfry]

Hi and welcome. As an independent adult wiht AS, I would say that some things just aren't worth the battle. I'm 53, and still don't feel that keeping my floors clean is really a priority. I can be just as functional and independent with or without clean floors.

Some things I understand are non-negotiable, like personal hygiene. Though when I was growing up, I was not taught personal hygiene, my parents were immigrants from an overseas country, and showering every few days was fine, if I didn't do laundry, it wasn't getting done, and my mother was against make-up, shaving of legs and underarms, and other self-care routine as vain and a waste of time.

As an adult, I figured out what was important, and I'm sure other's can attest that my personal hygiene and grooming is completely adequate. Just my way of saying that sometimes, making a big fight out of stuff is counterproduct.

 

[ksheehan88]

I've always been awful with cleaning/tidying, always... still am now to be honest... I do the bare minimum to make sure my kids have a clean home, but yeah... its still untidy much of the time... not dirty, just untidy.

I've always struggled with personal hygiene too, I never used to care or understand why people were so funny about showering everyday and stuff... If I started smelling, I'd shower, not just do it for the sake of it... I'm much better with that now though... the only time I won't wash everyday is when I get in a downward spiral and then everything goes to pot.

 

[Aussie]

Thanks for the input [emoji106][emoji108]

 

[Starfire]

Hi Aussie, welcome and I can relate to much of what you wrote about.

I've had exactly the same problems with my eldest daughter regarding personal hygiene, tidy room etc. The psychologist suggested to us, to perhaps try a reward system and write down non-negotiable jobs as my daughter may well not remember despite being prompted repeatedly what needs to be done. As advised, what we did was write a tick sheet and have it laminated to avoid "I didn't know", "no one told me", "I forgot" etc. It has two sections, non-negotiable such as showering, hair washing, teeth brushing etc. The second section is jobs such as tidy bedroom floor, empty dishwasher, feed cat, where pocket money and privileges can be earned, TV, phone, computer etc. She likes lists and notes so she enjoys trying to earn ticks as "points make prizes!"
If the non-negotiable list is not complete there are deductions from the benefits and privileges, but that only happened a couple of times when we first started. I think that was more about testing the boundaries than anything else.

My daughter understands why things need done, because she has been shown. For example, if the bedroom floor is not clear I will walk straight through and over her stuff to open the window. If headphones, books, earrings etc are on the floor and get damaged they will not be replaced, and she knows that. If I warn her I'm about to hoover up and she doesn't pick up a ring, or pen it will get hoovered up or put in the bin, and she knows that. I'm very black or white there are no shades of grey, there is no ambiguity in what I say to her, in a strange way I think she appreciates that.
I showed her a video on head lice when she complained about washing her hair, she rarely protests now.

I hope I haven't given the impression that we live in a military type way, far from it. We have a great laugh and lots of fun, but there are crystal clear boundaries. Even on the worst day however, when the tick sheet is irrelevant, she hates the world, can't understand why there are continuous problems with school and kids she try's to make friends with, when we eventually calm her and get her to bed, she always says "I love you" unprompted, and the last thing she hears before trying to sleep is "we love you".

 

[Elemental]

Starfire I still have problems with the tidiness issues @ 53 & the brushing of teeth when I was growing up featured, I remember although partly because I disliked the electric toothbrush with appeared one Xmas. Your schedule of tasks-keeping seems like a good idea & I think I would have benefited from something like it; maybe I'll start one for myself

Welcome to Central Aussie

 

[Starfire]

Elemental I have problems keeping things I don't think are important tidy, but I'm quite well organised with things related to my interests and I'm 48.
I can understand why you didn't like the electric toothbrush, they were out for years before I got one. I'm still not keen on the sensation of vibrating teeth but I've got more used to it over time.
Perhaps I should get a laminated task sheet too I would probably benefit from it, as well as my wife not having to constantly remind me of things! I seem to have a terrible short term, but an exceptional long term memory.

 

[Aussie]

Hi Aussie, welcome and I can relate to much of what you wrote about.

I've had exactly the same problems with my eldest daughter regarding personal hygiene, tidy room etc. The psychologist suggested to us, to perhaps try a reward system and write down non-negotiable jobs as my daughter may well not remember despite being prompted repeatedly what needs to be done. As advised, what we did was write a tick sheet and have it laminated to avoid "I didn't know", "no one told me", "I forgot" etc. It has two sections, non-negotiable such as showering, hair washing, teeth brushing etc. The second section is jobs such as tidy bedroom floor, empty dishwasher, feed cat, where pocket money and privileges can be earned, TV, phone, computer etc. She likes lists and notes so she enjoys trying to earn ticks as "points make prizes!"
If the non-negotiable list is not complete there are deductions from the benefits and privileges, but that only happened a couple of times when we first started. I think that was more about testing the boundaries than anything else.

My daughter understands why things need done, because she has been shown. For example, if the bedroom floor is not clear I will walk straight through and over her stuff to open the window. If headphones, books, earrings etc are on the floor and get damaged they will not be replaced, and she knows that. If I warn her I'm about to hoover up and she doesn't pick up a ring, or pen it will get hoovered up or put in the bin, and she knows that. I'm very black or white there are no shades of grey, there is no ambiguity in what I say to her, in a strange way I think she appreciates that.
I showed her a video on head lice when she complained about washing her hair, she rarely protests now.

I hope I haven't given the impression that we live in a military type way, far from it. We have a great laugh and lots of fun, but there are crystal clear boundaries. Even on the worst day however, when the tick sheet is irrelevant, she hates the world, can't understand why there are continuous problems with school and kids she try's to make friends with, when we eventually calm her and get her to bed, she always says "I love you" unprompted, and the last thing she hears before trying to sleep is "we love you".

Thanks so much for replying, this is really helpful [emoji108][emoji106][emoji3]