Hazel87
Active Member
Hello! I just recently joined this forum so I thought I would introduce myself... I will try not to make this unbearably long lol.
Firstly, I am 29, university student, live in BC Canada. Currently, I am undiagnosed, except with ADHD which is a diagnosis I received as a child. I'm waiting on assessments and it's a big long process it seems. I know that I am definitely somewhere in the PPD range, whether it's mild aspergers or mild FASD, isn't clear. I have a lot of overlapping symptoms, my mom did binge drink while pregnant with me at least a few times, my social skills are not nearly as impaired as some aspies I've met but it's definitely impaired.
I think I do okay at recognizing very obvious emotions or body language but definitely not subtle things. I actually don't even really ever pay attention to body language for some reason.
My whole life I've felt like things that were so common sense to everyone else just isn't for me, but it's difficult to even put a finger on it exactly... when people used to ask me "What things seem common sense to everyone but not you?" I couldn't specify it, it's more just something I experience, like things that are so subtle that even I can't put my finger on it but it's confusing to me.
Basically, since birth, I have struggled. Even as a baby, I was badly collicky and finicky. My entire childhood I have behavioural problems, from explosive meltdowns (in hindsight I now recognize a lot of that was sensory processing issues, but also emotional regulation issues for sure too) to not doing school work, not paying attention, etc. I had severe problems in math my whole life, I still do. Math is like another language to me, I can't make sense of it. Words on the other hand - it's like all of my skills are piled into that area, I excel in writing and verbal reasoning, but my math, spatial awareness etc are so low.
Anyways, to get to the point, I've gone my whole life knowing that something in my brain HAD to be different, but not understanding it. Because of my behavioral issues and the ****** behavior of some teachers and just the general narrative in my life (even my family would talk about what a brat I was as a kid but how cute I was, even as a baby I was "so hard", a "problem child") I just grew up with this deep feeling that I was just bad and dumb. Deficit. I thought I was born "bad". This informed my self perception well into adulthood. Now, at 29, I am finally being properly assessed and my family is like "OHHH that makes so much sense" my dad even said that my mom and him "always wondered if her drinking impacted me or if something more was wrong". I bawled my eyes out reading about FASD and aspergers, especially aspergers. It was like reading about my whole life and suddenly I was making all of these connections to my whole life and it explained EVERYTHING in my life, from big things to seemingly insignificant things.
Now it's like I am free from this cage I've been trapped in for 29 years, and I see myself so differently. My self hatred is gone and I have so much more self acceptance and I realize I'm not bad or dumb, I just have a brain that functions and processes differently and when you have a brain like that in a neurotypically dominated society, it's going to cause you a lot of problems! esp as a child when even neurotypical children don't even have fully developed emotional regulation skills.
Now I just think back to my younger self and am thankful to her for surviving all of it. My doctor told me that it's actually really common that women go undiagnosed until adulthood because typically we present so differently and apparently we tend to be better at hiding it. Also, a high verbal IQ can mask things and I know in my case that is definitely true. I definitely understood very young that I was smart in a very specific way and as a teenager (and still as an adult) people are often telling me how intelligent I am because obviously language is the first indicator we use to assess someone's intelligence so it hid a lot of my other struggles, esp the older I got. I stayed far away from things I couldn't do and learned to hide my problems, which has been very lonely and exhausting.
It's no wonder I went undiagnosed for so long even after seeing psychiatrists and doctors because I felt too much shame to admit that I had all these issues from early childhood because I felt like that would confirm that I was just born a bad kid, and so when psychiatrists and doctors are told these things began later in life then of course they automatically pathologize it as mental health conditions or blame it on trauma.Also, autism is more understood in men because it's been primarily studied in men (much like most of medicine) so indicators they look for are not always present in women, and women are also more likely to be pathologized as mentally unwell, emotional problems, etc. Apparently most women are diagnosed in their 30s while most men are diagnosed by age 8. That's insane!
Honestly, I think that neurodiversity is so much more complicated than even scientists comprehend. People get so uncomfortable with that because they're uncomfortable with what they can't understand, so they try to fit all of it into these boxes (which are now, at least, considered spectrums). You can't fit a brain into a box though. It's difficult because prenatal alcohol exposure *can* cause very autistic/aspergers like traits and symptoms so even though I seem to definitely have more aspergers traits and symptoms that are less commonly associated with FASD like major sensory processing issues, what I'm pretty certain are stims, a high verbal IQ, obsessive interests, maladaptive daydreaming, etc, that doesn't rule out FASD because those things are possible in FASD too.
Really though, it's almost better for people even with definite FASD to receive a PPD-NOS or aspergers diagnosis because there is a lot more support and help under that diagnosis, whereas even though it's generally agreed that FASD falls under a PPD umbrella, it's not TECHNICALLY considered a form of PPD and unless you have a very low IQ (which only about 20% of people with FASD have a below average IQ) than you are out of luck for any support.
Anyways, honesty, so much of the time I almost feel like I don't care for a diagnosis because I don't believe that we are the problem or the 'disordered' ones, society and it's rigid neurotypical world is a problem and is disordered, trying to pathologize anyone who is different. Yes, obviously we struggle because of the ways our brains function and process sometimes but at least in my experience, I struggle because I am trying to survive in a rigid, capitalist, neurotypical society that enforces all of these bizarre rules, norms and expectations on me. Of course I'm going to struggle functioning in this world, my brain isn't made for it and of course I was having meltdowns as a child etc. Obviously things like FASD have a direct cause and effect - brain damage from alcohol, but when it comes to other PPD diagnosis I really wonder sometimes, IS there even a "cause" of autism? Maybe some people are just born with a different brain and nothing malfunctioned to cause it to be that way?
Anyways, I've obviously failed at keeping this from getting long and as you can probably see, I've become very obsessive about (and trying to understand everything about) PPDs and neurodiversity lately. I could talk about it for days (maybe even years).
I'm happy to have joined this forum and I'm really looking forward to reading posts and hearing from others who can relate/understand my world. I've lived alone in this world for so many years!
I am especially looking forward to 'meeting' and hearing from other women on the spectrum since so far most of the aspie women I've talked to share a similar experience of going undiagnosed for so long. Feel free to PM me (anyone, not just women). I do have friends and as I said, I'm not as impaired as I know a lot of others are in socialization but I do struggle to connect a lot of the time or motivate myself to actually be around even the friends that I adore because it just takes a lot out of me, but writing has always been my primary mode of expression. For some reason, I can write things in ways that I can't get across with spoken language. It's soooo much easier for me to express myself in writing so I'm happy to have found this forum.
Thank you! If you actually took the time to read all of this I really appreciate it , I'm really tired and all over the place right now... but understand if anyone skipped over lmao.
Firstly, I am 29, university student, live in BC Canada. Currently, I am undiagnosed, except with ADHD which is a diagnosis I received as a child. I'm waiting on assessments and it's a big long process it seems. I know that I am definitely somewhere in the PPD range, whether it's mild aspergers or mild FASD, isn't clear. I have a lot of overlapping symptoms, my mom did binge drink while pregnant with me at least a few times, my social skills are not nearly as impaired as some aspies I've met but it's definitely impaired.
I think I do okay at recognizing very obvious emotions or body language but definitely not subtle things. I actually don't even really ever pay attention to body language for some reason.
My whole life I've felt like things that were so common sense to everyone else just isn't for me, but it's difficult to even put a finger on it exactly... when people used to ask me "What things seem common sense to everyone but not you?" I couldn't specify it, it's more just something I experience, like things that are so subtle that even I can't put my finger on it but it's confusing to me.
Basically, since birth, I have struggled. Even as a baby, I was badly collicky and finicky. My entire childhood I have behavioural problems, from explosive meltdowns (in hindsight I now recognize a lot of that was sensory processing issues, but also emotional regulation issues for sure too) to not doing school work, not paying attention, etc. I had severe problems in math my whole life, I still do. Math is like another language to me, I can't make sense of it. Words on the other hand - it's like all of my skills are piled into that area, I excel in writing and verbal reasoning, but my math, spatial awareness etc are so low.
Anyways, to get to the point, I've gone my whole life knowing that something in my brain HAD to be different, but not understanding it. Because of my behavioral issues and the ****** behavior of some teachers and just the general narrative in my life (even my family would talk about what a brat I was as a kid but how cute I was, even as a baby I was "so hard", a "problem child") I just grew up with this deep feeling that I was just bad and dumb. Deficit. I thought I was born "bad". This informed my self perception well into adulthood. Now, at 29, I am finally being properly assessed and my family is like "OHHH that makes so much sense" my dad even said that my mom and him "always wondered if her drinking impacted me or if something more was wrong". I bawled my eyes out reading about FASD and aspergers, especially aspergers. It was like reading about my whole life and suddenly I was making all of these connections to my whole life and it explained EVERYTHING in my life, from big things to seemingly insignificant things.
Now it's like I am free from this cage I've been trapped in for 29 years, and I see myself so differently. My self hatred is gone and I have so much more self acceptance and I realize I'm not bad or dumb, I just have a brain that functions and processes differently and when you have a brain like that in a neurotypically dominated society, it's going to cause you a lot of problems! esp as a child when even neurotypical children don't even have fully developed emotional regulation skills.
Now I just think back to my younger self and am thankful to her for surviving all of it. My doctor told me that it's actually really common that women go undiagnosed until adulthood because typically we present so differently and apparently we tend to be better at hiding it. Also, a high verbal IQ can mask things and I know in my case that is definitely true. I definitely understood very young that I was smart in a very specific way and as a teenager (and still as an adult) people are often telling me how intelligent I am because obviously language is the first indicator we use to assess someone's intelligence so it hid a lot of my other struggles, esp the older I got. I stayed far away from things I couldn't do and learned to hide my problems, which has been very lonely and exhausting.
It's no wonder I went undiagnosed for so long even after seeing psychiatrists and doctors because I felt too much shame to admit that I had all these issues from early childhood because I felt like that would confirm that I was just born a bad kid, and so when psychiatrists and doctors are told these things began later in life then of course they automatically pathologize it as mental health conditions or blame it on trauma.Also, autism is more understood in men because it's been primarily studied in men (much like most of medicine) so indicators they look for are not always present in women, and women are also more likely to be pathologized as mentally unwell, emotional problems, etc. Apparently most women are diagnosed in their 30s while most men are diagnosed by age 8. That's insane!
Honestly, I think that neurodiversity is so much more complicated than even scientists comprehend. People get so uncomfortable with that because they're uncomfortable with what they can't understand, so they try to fit all of it into these boxes (which are now, at least, considered spectrums). You can't fit a brain into a box though. It's difficult because prenatal alcohol exposure *can* cause very autistic/aspergers like traits and symptoms so even though I seem to definitely have more aspergers traits and symptoms that are less commonly associated with FASD like major sensory processing issues, what I'm pretty certain are stims, a high verbal IQ, obsessive interests, maladaptive daydreaming, etc, that doesn't rule out FASD because those things are possible in FASD too.
Really though, it's almost better for people even with definite FASD to receive a PPD-NOS or aspergers diagnosis because there is a lot more support and help under that diagnosis, whereas even though it's generally agreed that FASD falls under a PPD umbrella, it's not TECHNICALLY considered a form of PPD and unless you have a very low IQ (which only about 20% of people with FASD have a below average IQ) than you are out of luck for any support.
Anyways, honesty, so much of the time I almost feel like I don't care for a diagnosis because I don't believe that we are the problem or the 'disordered' ones, society and it's rigid neurotypical world is a problem and is disordered, trying to pathologize anyone who is different. Yes, obviously we struggle because of the ways our brains function and process sometimes but at least in my experience, I struggle because I am trying to survive in a rigid, capitalist, neurotypical society that enforces all of these bizarre rules, norms and expectations on me. Of course I'm going to struggle functioning in this world, my brain isn't made for it and of course I was having meltdowns as a child etc. Obviously things like FASD have a direct cause and effect - brain damage from alcohol, but when it comes to other PPD diagnosis I really wonder sometimes, IS there even a "cause" of autism? Maybe some people are just born with a different brain and nothing malfunctioned to cause it to be that way?
Anyways, I've obviously failed at keeping this from getting long and as you can probably see, I've become very obsessive about (and trying to understand everything about) PPDs and neurodiversity lately. I could talk about it for days (maybe even years).
I'm happy to have joined this forum and I'm really looking forward to reading posts and hearing from others who can relate/understand my world. I've lived alone in this world for so many years!
I am especially looking forward to 'meeting' and hearing from other women on the spectrum since so far most of the aspie women I've talked to share a similar experience of going undiagnosed for so long. Feel free to PM me (anyone, not just women). I do have friends and as I said, I'm not as impaired as I know a lot of others are in socialization but I do struggle to connect a lot of the time or motivate myself to actually be around even the friends that I adore because it just takes a lot out of me, but writing has always been my primary mode of expression. For some reason, I can write things in ways that I can't get across with spoken language. It's soooo much easier for me to express myself in writing so I'm happy to have found this forum.
Thank you! If you actually took the time to read all of this I really appreciate it , I'm really tired and all over the place right now... but understand if anyone skipped over lmao.
