Hello

[JustSomeGuy]

Hello Everyone,

I've never actually created a profile for any forum before...usually just a lurker. The reason I'm breaking my rule now is that I've self diagnosed with Asperger's this week and has been a bit disorienting. The last several years have brought more and more self awareness for me which has been painful. It's like I've woken up to myself at 30. I have a wife and three kids and a career in a field I'm not interested in that was strongly suggested to me by others. Honestly, it's like I'm living someone else's life. It's a life that others would probably envy, but I'm having trouble holding it all together. I'm sick of seeing that look on everyone else's face when I'm melting down (or shutting down) because I can't take it. It's that wide-eyed look of withholding love/acceptance...until I can get the crack in my mask repaired and I seem normal enough again. The problem is, I think I'm realizing, that no one around me (including myself to a large extent) knows who I am, and have never seen me without the mask. It's really just incredibly disorienting to my sense of self.

If it's not some form of Autism, I'm really at a loss. I've been in and out of therapy and have been trying on different worldviews over the last few years. I would really like to make peace with myself, as the saying goes, although I'm not sure I know what that means. I'm terrified that I won't be able to support this persona much longer and my career and family will come crashing down and I'll "end up living under a bridge" as my father would say when he was trying to motivate me to do my homework. Suicide has never been a major thought for me...early on because I was too self-unaware and cowardly, and now because I have three young boys depending on me (and I'm still a coward). I love them and have some kind of internal drive to not hurt them. Add to that my Protestant fear of eternal conscious torment, and...yeah...

I'm not sure I've connected with many (maybe not any) people in a truly "it's good to be me here with you" sense. Except my kids...they seem to love me unconditionally. If I could just figure out how to hold it together believably long enough to give them a good start in the world...but how can I do this if I'm basically faking everything? I don't know.

If you've read this far, I thank you. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or if I'll find it here, but I appreciate some of the things I've read here so far. I guess I'm just reaching out because this is the next thing to do.

Not sure if any of that makes sense, but thanks for reading.

-justsomeguy

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Nitro]

Hi JustSomeGuy

 

[tree]

 

[OkRad]

You have three beautiful souls who love you dearly. Try as hard as you can to focus on that so they don't feel lonely. They will grow up and then you will have three best friends to help you not be sleeping under a bridge

I hope that you can make it. There are a lot of good people here who can help give you advice and support.

 

[Sir Stig]

Welcome @JustSomeGuy

I have been in therapy trying to find out what is wrong with me for several years. Why has it become so hard to adapt? For me, I think reaching the threshold of how much I could endure, was the start of finding out and accepting that I am, indeed, wired differently than normal. If it is ASD or not (I can't imagine it isn't though), coming to this place have opened my eyes to the necessity of not letting others dictate my needs. My voice is my own. I am going to own it. My perception of this world is as real as any others. I have to respect myself, even if I don't fit into the consensus of reality.

Hope you find a way to stop whipping yourself (unless you like it), and get to appreciate your unique experience, even if most will not understand it the same way as you.

 

[Pats]

@JustSomeGuy Hello. You can do it. You sound just like me and I did it. It wasn't easy - it was torture most the time, but I did it for my kids. They were dependent on me alone and whatever I did, I did for them. Getting through nursing school I even wore this little badge with their picture on it. The entire time, though, I had no idea I had autism. I just knew I wore a mask and was someone different depending on the circumstances. There were so many days walking into work that I desperately wanted to go cower in a corner and not go (I was too chicken to do that, too). Suicidal thoughts would enter my mind, but, like you, I was always too chicken and my belief in God kept that from ever being a possibility. But the thought would enter my mind because sometimes I'd think my kids would be better off with someone else and my life insurance would carry them. But then I'd remind myself that God chose me to raise them so I knew we'd be okay.
My 'career' as a nurse was based on need. I chose it because it would provide financial security, but I hated every single day - not just the days I worked, but the days I was off I was dreading having to go back to work.
My co-workers and boss didn't like me and I mostly hid myself away in a corner somewhere to do my paperwork. I was fine with my patients and was actually a good nurse. Even got in trouble once and was told by a higher up that everyone on my floor said I could run circles around everyone else, and that's the reason they believed the story someone had told about me that I was in trouble for. (Oh, I eventually won that one, but it was crazy to be in trouble because I was good at my job). I had to walk out of staff meetings before, was asked by my boss why I was rocking (didn't realize I was( while sitting in her office, and remember once my boss had this stupid puppet up in my face and I took off outside. I did work night shift all those years and that helped.
And the words from (both) my parents that stayed in my mind and I still battle with are things like, "Just think how hot it's going to be in hell". I still am fighting that I may never be good enough - how can someone do that to their child?
Anyhow, I'm 60 now and no longer have to work and my kids and I all made it through.
Glad you decided to speak on this forum.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForums!

 

[SunnyDay16]

Hi and welcome I can resonate with much of what you said.

 

[BraidedPony]

Welcome to the forum. I just self diagnosed and found some online tests useful at aspie-quiz. It was nice to have test results to confirm what I had suspected for over a decade.
Just in the last couple of weeks I have learned about the masks Aspies wear to survive and it is hard for me to determine what is a mask and what is me. But each day I see my true self a little more clearly. Complete understanding may never happen, but that is ok as long as I’m making my life more survivable and then more enjoyable.
I think it is best to go slowly. Make little changes at a time. For example you said you hate your job. You could do two things about this simultaneously. Make the job you have better for you while applying for another job. Or begin training for another job that you would like. Oh, well the first step would be to figure out what job you would enjoy AND earn enough to support three children.
For me and maybe for you too, just knowing you are moving forward to improve your life will immediately make life easier.
Last thought...make these decisions on your own, especially decisions about what job you would enjoy or what is a mask and what is truly you, because you need to discover this on your own. I have found other people’s suggestions worse than useless.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi @JustSomeGuy and welcome
I think you might already see from some of the posts above that you are in the right place to help work these things out for yourself. I hope you find some peace of mind and kinship here.

 

[Night Owl]

Hi,
I have only very recently been diagnosed at the age of 47, and you sound exactly like me! I have three kids and I have never felt comfortable anywhere except with them. My grandson was diagnosed before me which prompted me to ask for testing.

Like you I feel I have always worn a mask, and recently told my partner that if I went into a room on my own for a year I have no idea who would come out, as i have no idea who the real me is!.

I understand what you mean exactly about the looks you get when you are struggling to cope! I have tried all my life to stay on this path of being normal and it has been so hard, one slip off the path and people act like you are a bad person!. Unfortunately even after my diagnoses I still feel I am not allowed to stray from this path and am struggling a bit with what to do next and how to be me ....and keep everyone happy!!.

I have joined this forum for help and guidance from people who have been where I am now... I hope we can both find the answers we need to feel at least content in our world!

 

[George Newman]

Welcome!