Hello

[MLE]

Hi all,
I joined this site to get a better understanding of people that have Autism/Asperger's and also to interact with them, to better understand if I may fall on the spectrum myself.

I've completed online tests and scored that I may have high-functioning autism... I totally understand that the test isn't a clinical diagnosis from a doctor, but after 42 years of living on this earth and seeing many doctors to figure out why I feel so different, I'm afraid to even see a doctor anymore for fear of being misdiagnosis and being put on medication that isn't for me... So for now, I just want to interact and find out for myself... Since that's what I've had to do thus far.

I've struggled all my life, feeling "different"... It's difficult for me to describe why, but it's like I feel that my mind is on a different wave length from everyone and that makes me feel alone... To give myself a label like high-functioning autism, feels right, but really I don't know... I don't really like labels... I'm typically successful in anything I do, except when I have to interact with people... I'm very process oriented and savvy with technology... But school has always been difficult for me... I always struggled to concentrate and was never able to get a college education. So, although I can literally do most technical roles in any company, not having the piece of paper (degree) has prevented me from professionally succeeding. So, I've looked for assistance to help tutor me through, but everything I've found has been useless. I keep running into these gimmick organizations that only want to suck up my money and not offer quality assistance, unless I pay an additional $$$...

Then, working with people... As I said, I'm very process oriented... Which means I work out a process to complete my work, constantly re-evaluate it to ensure it is efficient as can be, and try to live an organized life... (I know that you can't have everything locked into a process... I do keep that in mind and am flexible to various unforeseen outcomes) My challenge is working with people that do not care about processes... And that are extremely intimidated by anyone who has more technical knowledge than they do, so they try to beat down that person (me) to prove their strength... I've never been the type of person that wants to be a manager or a president of a company... I just want to do a good job in what I do and help anyone in need... Of all the jobs I've had in life, and there have been a lot, no one seems to get that, no matter how much I try to explain it. I've always gotten teased for being "so organized", or "very consistent"... The conflict I have is that I've always received reviews that I'm an over-achiever... but the treatment and actions of my leadership tells a different story...

So, at 42, I live alone and don't really go out, except to the store... I left my last job in Feb of this year, because I was being used for my knowledge and was being asked to do the work for other teammates... this was all before the COVID mess started... I thought that I would be able to find a new job, which was extremely difficult not having the college education, but the pandemic up'd the difficulty 1,000%... Thankfully I was able to find a new job, that I'll be working from home... I start that new job in a week. I like the idea of working from home... On a physical level, I won't have to interact with anyone and I'm in my own space.... But my fears from my previous jobs haunt me... I'm tied of going into the same scenarios with horrible people that use me and take advantage of me (whom have always been in leadership roles), which always lead to me leaving a company... I've been finding it harder everyday to interact with people... In public I have anxiety attacks, so I try to go to stores when there is the least amount of traffic... I stay in my house and don't go anywhere else... I'm not on social media and I'm pretty much disconnected from my family...

I think the main reason I'm trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me, is so that I may be able to correct it in order to at least be able to last at a job... Maybe all the medication I was put on as a kid messed up my brain... I don't know... but I am independent enough that I can take care of myself without assistance... I've just had to make adjustments and settle for less, in order to survive...

Like I said, I came here because I want to better understand if I may fall on the spectrum myself... Writing all this out has been very hard for me... I've lived a life of repressing my thoughts and feelings so that I don't "trigger" anyone or come off as being rude... I'm a very caring person... sometimes at a fault...

I didn't come here looking for a relationship... I just need friends and support.

Regards,
MLE

 

[Wolfsage]

You've done well in life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[MLE]

You've done well in life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you!

 

[tree]

 

[zozie]

Welcome! Lots to learn here and lots of different points of view, but I don't believe anyone here really believes they're fundamentally "broken". Maladapted, sure, but not existentially "wrong". Plenty of us have been told by others that we're broken and wrong, but as I think you know, it's not the same thing.

This community seems really open to self-identifying or self-diagnosed aspies as well as those with ASD who are officially diagnosed (and non-autistic folks as well). I hope you find community and support here. I know that I've found huge relief in experiences I have that I thought were only unique to me. Especially in the face of experts telling me otherwise, which has also helped a great deal.

There is also a lot of "tried and true" experience in this community about what works when confronting daily challenges, which is very useful as well.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive to be here. We were talking on another thread that neurotypical people can seem to have agendas or motives that we can't relate to or understand, and your post seems to say that's like what you've experienced at work. I know I have, but autism differences seem to be an explanation for how that feels.

We process differently, and may seem more simple and direct, that's how I experience my life. I guess that idea may be helpful even if we don't want or get a diagnosis, my realisation of it means I can cease striving with all that and gain some acceptance that I operate differently from neurotypical people, due to brain and processing differences.

Have you considered self employment? Working for yourself can allow you to set your own standards, and not have to relate so much with colleagues who may not be easy to relate to.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[MLE]

Welcome! Lots to learn here and lots of different points of view, but I don't believe anyone here really believes they're fundamentally "broken". Maladapted, sure, but not existentially "wrong". Plenty of us have been told by others that we're broken and wrong, but as I think you know, it's not the same thing.

This community seems really open to self-identifying or self-diagnosed aspies as well as those with ASD who are officially diagnosed (and non-autistic folks as well). I hope you find community and support here. I know that I've found huge relief in experiences I have that I thought were only unique to me. Especially in the face of experts telling me otherwise, which has also helped a great deal.

There is also a lot of "tried and true" experience in this community about what works when confronting daily challenges, which is very useful as well.

Thanks for the guidance... I've found this community to be very supportive, so far... Of course, it's only been 1 day ...

 

[MLE]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive to be here. We were talking on another thread that neurotypical people can seem to have agendas or motives that we can't relate to or understand, and your post seems to say that's like what you've experienced at work. I know I have, but autism differences seem to be an explanation for how that feels.

We process differently, and may seem more simple and direct, that's how I experience my life. I guess that idea may be helpful even if we don't want or get a diagnosis, my realisation of it means I can cease striving with all that and gain some acceptance that I operate differently from neurotypical people, due to brain and processing differences.

Have you considered self employment? Working for yourself can allow you to set your own standards, and not have to relate so much with colleagues who may not be easy to relate to.

Thank you! I just get so frustrated sometimes, as I've seemed to be perceived as someone who doesn't get it... The truth is that I do get it, but my mind and my actions don't always coordinate and I seem like I'm always in a state of proving myself to people...

I'm not sure what I would do if I was self-employed... I like working for companies and helping others... I'm not sure I would enjoy it much if I had to turn myself into a business...

 

[MLE]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

Thanks!

 

[Thinx]

Thank you! I just get so frustrated sometimes, as I've seemed to be perceived as someone who doesn't get it... The truth is that I do get it, but my mind and my actions don't always coordinate and I seem like I'm always in a state of proving myself to people...

I'm not sure what I would do if I was self-employed... I like working for companies and helping others... I'm not sure I would enjoy it much if I had to turn myself into a business...

Yes I totally get that feeling. I know what you mean about liking to work for companies and help others, too, that was very much my position about work, but I did experience similar feelings about it as you do. I got around it to some extent by getting qualifications and promotions, but that's easier in some kinds of work than others, and you said you'd found that difficult.

When I got quite senior I found the attitudes of others bothered me very little. Is it worth trying the qualifications through private study? If you're good at the work, what type of issues get you into difficulties with the qualifications?

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

 

[MLE]

Yes I totally get that feeling. I know what you mean about liking to work for companies and help others, too, that was very much my position about work, but I did experience similar feelings about it as you do. I got around it to some extent by getting qualifications and promotions, but that's easier in some kinds of work than others, and you said you'd found that difficult.

When I got quite senior I found the attitudes of others bothered me very little. Is it worth trying the qualifications through private study? If you're good at the work, what type of issues get you into difficulties with the qualifications?

The jobs I've had, I was able to move up and was known very well for the helpful service I provided and my level of efficiency was always complimented on... I think it was always difficult for my peers to be appreciative of that, but most of all other managers... I was able to move up because I was able to understand systems/processes much faster than most... So, my skill-sets are what pushed me up... I think it was difficult to digest for someone who went to college and got a diploma, to see someone who didn't at their level... I was never known to be social... I kept my focus on my work and excelled... I didn't hang out, gossip, or enjoy small talk... When I was at work... I worked... I would think most companies would care and protect someone like that, but what I've seen is that anyone is disposable... and it's sad... I always seems to get high on the ladder, only for someone to come by and knock it down...

 

[Thinx]

Yes absolutely, I think many here will empathise with what you say, where lack of socialising aka networking is an all important issue, overriding actual good performance at work, plus where people in the organisation are unable to take the emotions away from discussion of how to improve systems. Nightmare. Sorry you're up against this too.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forums.

We process differently, and may seem more simple and direct, that's how I experience my life

When I read that one line, it really hits true to how I feel and live.
I'm 63 and do have official diagnosis.

Glad you joined us to talk!

 

[artful_aspie]

I was ordered to join some online forums because I make no effort in face-to-face contacts. My clinical psychologist said it would be good for me. I make mistakes certainly, but generally as a new member I have had more conversation here than I have had all year outside of medical care. My Asperger's has a distancing part & as I have also had some awful experiences of abuse in my life I am wary of people. I have an official diagnosis made not only by 3 clinical psychologists & a psychiatrist too as I suffer cPTSD from being a victim of violent crimes. Wrong place, wrong time got robbed & stabbed 3 times. Other bad stuff too. In another time I would just be the old eccentric man who lived alone with cats & kept to himself. Today, people do not like that & I have had to acknowledge that I could be the victim of accusations by people who do not understand neurodiverse folk. So, I make the effort to engage through some social media: Autism forums, a website, YouTube is okay. Face Book & twitter were bullying sites, not good for me.

 

[MLE]

Today, people do not like that & I have had to acknowledge that I could be the victim of accusations by people who do not understand neurodiverse folk. So, I make the effort to engage through some social media: Autism forums, a website, YouTube is okay. Face Book & twitter were bullying sites, not good for me.

I quit social media sites about 5 years ago, which I think was the best decision of my life... I'm not drawn to the fake distortion of life that that world seems to emulate, in my opinion... I'm not saying it was all bad, but really not the environment for me...

I honestly don't mind being alone, and actually prefer it... People and family that are around me don't see it that way and think it's odd that a person would like to be alone... But the truth is, I don't find it lonely to be alone... What's lonely to me, is the feeling that no one seems to understand me...

So, hopefully this is the site for me... So far, I like it...

BTW, sorry for all the negative situations that have occurred to you... I often find myself in the wrong place/time too...