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Hello.

T

Trix

Member
I'd like to say hello.
It's the best place to start for me, I guess.

I am 43 years old and I was officially diagnosed last Monday.
After a life time of being told I was either difficult, attention seeking, just simply being a woman and well, that I would grow out of it or I would end up eh, under ground.

I have lived most of my life diagnosed as bpd , and therefor most of my coping skills are either unhealthy or adjusted to BPD after I got DBT therapy.
I have taught myself how to mask, how to copy people, how to function the best way I could... and it has been a very very long road.

So after being diagnosed this week as being Autistic, I personally do not know how I feel.
I think part of me is feeling hopeful, for the first time in forever and part of me is utterly grieving all the lost years.

I really do not know how I feel.
I am relieved.... I am incredibly sad.... I feel super lucky I came across a team that is fighting my corner and I also feel heartbroken for the little girl in me that got so damaged over the years due to the lack of knowledge, or understanding, and everything that followed or snowballed after.

So honestly, I am kinda heartbroken, yet hopeful at the same time.

I don't know how else to put it, it feels wrong to put my past 40 years in an introduction that's super short, but I also understand I shouldn't write a book here.

Thank you for reading ♥

And hello.
 
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Welcome @Trix :)

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 52. Several other members here not until later than that. Having said that, it does absolutely no good at all to be looking in your "rear view mirror", all those "should have, would have, could haves" in your life. Water under the bridge. That train left the station. Nothing you can do about that. Let it go. Eyes forward.

Knowing yourself is quite a useful thing. Educating yourself on "all things autism" can be quite helpful. Being able to discriminate between your "autistic moments" and other behaviors is also useful in knowing yourself.

Hopefully, we can help you through the process.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
Welcome @Trix :)

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 52. Several other members here not until later than that. Having said that, it does absolutely no good at all to be looking in your "rear view mirror", all those "should have, would have, could haves" in your life. Water under the bridge. That train left the station. Nothing you can do about that. Let it go. Eyes forward.

Knowing yourself is quite a useful thing. Educating yourself on "all things autism" can be quite helpful. Being able to discriminate between your "autistic moments" and other behaviors is also useful in knowing yourself.

Hopefully, we can help you through the process.
Click to expand...

I am struggling for now with the water under the bridge.
It's been 40 years and I can't speak for anyone but myself, but yeah it really feels like grieving.
My therapist told me to give myself space for that and that it's okay to grieve. It's a massive change and adjustment.
I am really trying the eyes forward approach, but wow I am heartbroken.

Thank you so much for your kind reply ♥
 
Trix said:
I am struggling for now with the water under the bridge.
It's been 40 years and I can't speak for anyone but myself, but yeah it really feels like grieving.
My therapist told me to give myself space for that and that it's okay to grieve. It's a massive change and adjustment.
I am really trying the eyes forward approach, but wow I am heartbroken.

Thank you so much for your kind reply ♥
Click to expand...
I agree wholeheartedly with @Mr. Stevens, but my heart is with you. I self diagnosed at 68, now 71. Would have lived and loved entirely differently had I known. Or so I imagine.

I still grieve deeply, daily, for an entire life of ignorance. I’m okay with grieving at this point, working now on the anger that built over the decades that seem lost.

As a Christian, I remind myself that my life belongs to Christ, and he saw fit to equip me as he did and allow me to live in ignorance. Because of that, I can trust in a purpose for this trial. So, whatever your relationship with the Lord, I can recommend finding purpose.

I understand your grief.
 
Welcome. i Hope you find comfort here and the courage to move forward. For me, it is a relief to finally make sense of my life.
 
There is one thing certain, having found your way here, you are not alone in your experiences. I was in my early 40s when I was diagnosed when someone called me out for having Asperger's. Just keep in mind that you are still you through it all. You have obviously lived through some very troubling and stressful things. The fact that you are still around is a testament to your inner strength. So go right ahead and grieve for your younger self if you need to. Nothing wrong with that, but accepting yourself as being a worthwhile person is a good first step. We have all had some measure of low self-esteem at one time or another, but you are as much a person deserving of respect and understanding as anyone else.

I sincerely hope you are able to make peace with your past and that the rest of your life steadily improves for you at whatever rate you are able. I am approaching my 77th and I am still learning things about myself.

Welcome and good luck.
 
Welcome. You're definitely not alone - and both here and in many other places (blogs, websites, books) there's lots of stories of people on the spectrum finding their ways later in life. Better late than never, so cheers to new beginnings.
 
Hello and welcome!
I was a late in life diagnosed and it did feel strange at first, but it also helped me understand a lot of things in my life.
I'm glad I found out even though I was in mid-fifties before I did.

I've gone through some major, major life changes and trauma in the past ten years.
Things I never thought I could handle due to anxiety before I was diagnosed.
It has given me a newfound strength in knowing why I am as I am, instead of just thinking of myself as a helpless anxiety disorder person who had panic attacks.

Finding the forum added to the help.
Hope you find it as helpful as I did. :)
 
Hello, Trix! Glad you are seeing kindness toward you here, that’s one of our strengths! I hope you enjoy your time on the forum, and please let us know if you need any help settling in.
 
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