Hi, everyone. My name is Tim. I am not officially diagnosed, but I am fairly certain that I have AS.
I didn't realize it until last night, actually. I had heard of AS, but didn't know a lot about it. My wife always tells me that I'm rude and mean, but I never see it. I think I'm just interacting normally with people. I guess she knew enough about AS to start digging online. We found several resources, some where you could test yourself. In every one, it indicated as "highly likely" or some other wording. The more I read about it, the more I realized most of the things in my life that I've thought were just quirks were actually symptoms of AS.
My whole life, I've felt like I was different than other people. I guess everyone feels that to some extent, but I took it to a whole new level. I remember one particular school function (I don't remember what it was or when, though) where I was watching everyone interact. I was standing away from everyone else and suddenly, it just occurred to me that I was a robot. I didn't know how to act in social situations, so I decided I could "program" myself. I started emulating those around me, even to the point of making the same facial expressions.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I did some digging on that a while back and learned that if you aren't actually "engaged" with a situation, it lessens the likelihood that you'll remember it. In school, I was often bullied and teased which led me to spend a lot of time alone. I have always been introspective and analytic, trying to figure out the "whys" of life. I tried to understand why kids didn't like me. I spent a lot of time analyzing my actions to determine what it was that made me tick. Thus, I didn't spend much time actually living my life and that's most likely why I can't remember much of it.
I finally got to the point where I identified myself by my quirkiness. I was unique and there wasn't anyone else like me. I liked that and that became who I was - a "rebel" of sorts to convention. I didn't go to extremes: no tattoos or anything like that. I just decided that I didn't care what people thought about me. I remember my mom making me comb my hair. My reasoning was that it was just going to get messy again when I went to bed, so what's the point? If anyone told me to do something and I asked why and their reason was because it's "normal" behavior or what's expected of me or something like that, I'd reject it. It would even sometimes make me want to do the exact opposite just to prove that social conventions are stupid.
My first wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. I was married to her for almost 15 years. It was a horrible existence, but now I understand how I managed to stay with her that long. I just didn't care. It was only when she told me she wanted a divorce that I finally left. Turned out she was just acting out and didn't really want a divorce, but I considered her behavior a mind game and decided to call her bluff. I just flipped the switch and stopped caring about her, though I'm not sure I ever really did.
The woman I am married to now is a wonderful person. She's very compassionate and understands the intricacies of social niceties. But she's also stressed out by my behavior and now I understand why. I told her that from now on, when I am entering a social situation, even with my stepkids, I would consciously make an effort to look to her for guidance about how to act and what to say.
So now I find myself back to that stage as a kid where I look at others and try to figure out why it is that what I say is rude but what they say is not, when - in my mind - it's all the same. I love my wife dearly and don't want to be rude to her or make her uncomfortable when she's with me. So I'm on this forum to kind of try and get some ideas of what others have done to make it work.
I didn't realize it until last night, actually. I had heard of AS, but didn't know a lot about it. My wife always tells me that I'm rude and mean, but I never see it. I think I'm just interacting normally with people. I guess she knew enough about AS to start digging online. We found several resources, some where you could test yourself. In every one, it indicated as "highly likely" or some other wording. The more I read about it, the more I realized most of the things in my life that I've thought were just quirks were actually symptoms of AS.
My whole life, I've felt like I was different than other people. I guess everyone feels that to some extent, but I took it to a whole new level. I remember one particular school function (I don't remember what it was or when, though) where I was watching everyone interact. I was standing away from everyone else and suddenly, it just occurred to me that I was a robot. I didn't know how to act in social situations, so I decided I could "program" myself. I started emulating those around me, even to the point of making the same facial expressions.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I did some digging on that a while back and learned that if you aren't actually "engaged" with a situation, it lessens the likelihood that you'll remember it. In school, I was often bullied and teased which led me to spend a lot of time alone. I have always been introspective and analytic, trying to figure out the "whys" of life. I tried to understand why kids didn't like me. I spent a lot of time analyzing my actions to determine what it was that made me tick. Thus, I didn't spend much time actually living my life and that's most likely why I can't remember much of it.
I finally got to the point where I identified myself by my quirkiness. I was unique and there wasn't anyone else like me. I liked that and that became who I was - a "rebel" of sorts to convention. I didn't go to extremes: no tattoos or anything like that. I just decided that I didn't care what people thought about me. I remember my mom making me comb my hair. My reasoning was that it was just going to get messy again when I went to bed, so what's the point? If anyone told me to do something and I asked why and their reason was because it's "normal" behavior or what's expected of me or something like that, I'd reject it. It would even sometimes make me want to do the exact opposite just to prove that social conventions are stupid.
My first wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. I was married to her for almost 15 years. It was a horrible existence, but now I understand how I managed to stay with her that long. I just didn't care. It was only when she told me she wanted a divorce that I finally left. Turned out she was just acting out and didn't really want a divorce, but I considered her behavior a mind game and decided to call her bluff. I just flipped the switch and stopped caring about her, though I'm not sure I ever really did.
The woman I am married to now is a wonderful person. She's very compassionate and understands the intricacies of social niceties. But she's also stressed out by my behavior and now I understand why. I told her that from now on, when I am entering a social situation, even with my stepkids, I would consciously make an effort to look to her for guidance about how to act and what to say.
So now I find myself back to that stage as a kid where I look at others and try to figure out why it is that what I say is rude but what they say is not, when - in my mind - it's all the same. I love my wife dearly and don't want to be rude to her or make her uncomfortable when she's with me. So I'm on this forum to kind of try and get some ideas of what others have done to make it work.
