Hello, it could be hard to reply to your specific questions as we do not know more about you, your feelings, your strengths, your limitations, and your certain needs with regards to those questions that she posed to you, and as each with Autism could be different there in how they would reply anyway. But, I can give an example of how I would answer those questions, based on the long term marital relationship I have with my wife, and taking into account I seem more Autistic than her, being very quiet, detailed, not into small talk and not able to show much emotion, which contrasts to her outgoing personality, emotional and more expressive nature.
(1) What do I like about my wife?
She is very creative, friendly and happy most of the time when not under duress from hyper-focusing on some medical and government issue. She is often positively energetic, which can uplift me those times I am down, and she has been loyal and positive as can be, despite things not being perfect. She is very rarely critical of family, and seems to be accepting and/or appreciative of most things we do and cannot do, knowing she has issues as well. She has needs, but I do not see them as problematic but endearing and often just the way she is. I see her giving her best efforts towards us all, taking into account her condition and past negative life experiences in her prior life, so I try to give great efforts too.
(2) What would be better/worse without her?
I will answer the latter. I would feel much more lonely likely, and I would be missing out on her complementary traits that could make me feel more whole, successful and/or motivated in life, those times when I need that extra. With her more active and positive energy, I have a hard time getting too down, but even when she is down or upset I see it as an opportunity to learn, assist and be stronger. I mean, her strengths can be used to help me more, and I feel I use my strengths to help my wife, too. This is what I feel successful relationships are all about--helping each other. For instance, she is general, creative and can appear more friendly to others through verbal words, facial expressions and actions, yet I am more detailed, logical, strong, and can be polite or friendly in other ways and other actions. Without my wife I could feel less loved, less helped, and more stress to do certain things I rather not do or cannot do.
(3) What do I find annoying about her?
"Annoying" is too strong of a word as I feel nobody can do things perfectly, and most of us try our best. Each of us can have expectations for others, yes, but that does not mean we are always right in those expectations, and so we should not be too negative but to try to word things constructively when we expect or hope for some change.
So, to answer such a question posed, I would try to sandwich any slight negative or need in between a few positive statements about her, to increase any hopes for some certain change to happen in a significant other, to better the relationship. But knowing there are certain things I cannot change about myself and certain situation either, I realize any requests should be reasonable and be shown in a less offensive way, or more loving away. For instance, if I want my wife to understand my difficulties expressing, I might say, "You had been so patient with me about my difficulties expressing. I hope to do better there to make you happy. I want us to be our best for each other. I cannot force you to stay and have you truly understand how hard expressing is, but just know I love you and am so thankful what you have done so far and I am aware of what you said and will try better. I hope we can stay together and work this out."
(4) What can I do concretely to improve things?
I can be more aware of how you have certain needs, including but not limited to, more expressive communication and affection from me, and you and I can develop a plan together on how best to resolve this issue, as it could be hard to come up with the answer alone because of some difficulties with topics that involve processing such feelings and resolving those. And I would like to come to agreement with other issues that reduce the stress for one or both of us, to create a feeling of more care, love and togetherness, as successful relationships require two to be aware of the others' needs.. We can do this without running away and big disagreement, and face these issues together and solve them as best as can be, and with outside relationship help too, as I want to make our relationship a priority for me.
(5) What is most challenging for me in the relationship?
For you to know how much I love and need you. I am sorry I cannot express it that much to you, other than what I have done so far, and I definitely need to try better there, even if we start with small steps. I am willing to learn what I could do better, and I will try to listen better, understand your needs better, and to fulfill your requests better, but to do such in a way that does not increase my stress and thus more your stress. The fact I have not run away, despite the length of our relationship, and the fact you have stayed this long too, and your efforts over the years and the questions you posed to me shows you care, and this all gives me hope that our challenges can be overcome.
(6) Can we find a communication that works?
Yes we can. Communication can occur in all forms and ways, but everyone can probably communicate better. Even very successful relationships can often have one communicating or expressing more, as opposites can attract, too. I realize though each side can have legitimate needs from their partners to either express or communicate in healthier, more caring, more direct, or more frequent ways. Whereas some show love and care more through their spoken words, others may show more through their other actions. And yet others may have the ability to express in all ways, or they may get their other communication needs through their acquaintances or friends. It can be hard sometimes to live up to expectations, and as each of us have different genetics and life experiences, but surely I feel we can make something work. This does not mean big changes overnight, but heading in that direction of seeing more positives of each other in how we communicate, but in prioritizing a bit better there too, and finding some new ways to show our love and affection.
