Help understanding!

[VAW]

My son has ASD, and this site has helped me quite a bit understanding him, and I thank everyone for that.
But now my husband's son has moved in with us and I want to do all I can to help him, but I am not understanding some things and wonder if anyone can give me some Insite on this situation.
He is 43 and his wife of 15 years cannot handle him anymore and I am not sure of that situation and what in general, but he is bi-polar2,
he also has some health issues, so he doesn't feel good most of the time. I have never dealt with anyone bi-polar. Nicest guy but he was an alcoholic and has gone back to drinking at night and he turns into someone else, and because he is overweight and bumping into things, he breaks a lot of stuff and slurs his speech.
I know he wants to be back with his wife and daughter and has things on his mind, he used to cut himself as a teenager but doesn't do that much anymore.
okay so here is my question if there are any Bi-polar people.
Does Bi-polar stop you from doing simple things? Like you can remember to turn the light on but not off? Turn a fan on and walk away and leave it on if you aren't in that room anymore and won't be? Spill things on the floor and just walk away and not clean it up? Take things out of the cabinet but not put them away afterwards and leave the cabinet doors open? Take something out of the fridge and leave the fridge door open and walk away or does it sound more like bad habits?
He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't WANT to quit drinking, he is on a lot of medications also that includes meds for Bi-polar.
It seems instead of trying a little harder to do some of these simple things, he will spend more time trying to make excuses for why he can't do it or try to convince us why we are wrong to expect him to do that.
So I was wondering if this is a bi-polar thing, and he really can't change his habits or if he is stuck in some bad habits that take a little work in changing but he just doesn't want to put in the effort to do and we end up doing all that stuff like turn the lights off after him etc...(although he has made some progress in that) To HIM To turn a light off every time or turn a fan off when you walk out of the room and won't be back is unrealistic to expect he can do that every time (or most of the time I should say).I know Nobody is perfect!
Any help out there?

 

[Bolletje]

Hey you! I have bipolar disorder as well. From what you describe, I would say it’s more likely the alcohol use is the problem here. However, mental health issues and substance abuse problems have a tendency to aggravate one another. A depressive episode, which can make one forgetful and incapable of caring for oneself, can lead to an increase in substance abuse, which only makes one more forgetful and, for lack of a better word, sloppy.

Since many medications for bipolar disorder actually increase the depressant effects of alcohol, that’s a really bad combo you have there. I know from experience that that mixture can really make you let things slide and stop caring about anything.

Unfortunately, I think the only solution here is to come to some sort of agreement about your husband’s son’s behavior, including his drinking. I would suggest a clear discussion of boundaries, with clearly defined consequences for violation of the boundaries. A conversation to be had when your husband’s son is sober.

I’ve had to have more than a few of those discussions, unfortunately, with an alcoholic partner. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Rodafina]

Hi @VAW
I agree with @Bolletje.

The most pressing problem here sounds like the alcohol use. Alcohol can certainly exacerbate the challenges that already exist with serious mental health conditions. Plus, he has gone through a recent very negative transition in his life, and it sounds like alcohol is a way to deal with that hurt for him right now. Not an effective way, but a desperate way.

I also agree with the post above that a discussion about boundaries when everyone is sober is a good place to start. It sounds like you have welcomed him into your home, but you do not have to welcome the alcohol use if it is destructive to the family and the dynamic at home. Although it can be difficult to draw and maintain these boundaries, it can be the best help to someone who is having trouble with alcohol.

You can support him without supporting the destructive choices that he is making.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I can't speak to the bipolar experience, but many people with mental disorders (including bipolar disorder) will attempt to self-medicate in the absence of proper treatment. The drinking sounds like an example of self-medication.

It sounds like your step son needs professional help. That could include getting him on medication and it could also include counseling to help him learn some coping skills. I would recommend talking to your husband about taking your son to a mental health specialist, and then both you and your husband together talking to your son about it.

I tend to view things with a growth mindset, so I believe that he could change if he wanted to. However, people don't tend to change until the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution. Motivating him to change may require establishing rules, incentives, and consequences.

 

[elgat0verde]

As many others have stated, it seems like he needs therapy

I was addicted to alcohol during my college years and it just made things worst.

From my personal perspective I can say that I do forget to do things sometimes but not all of the time. However, the spectrum is extremely wide.

For example if I spill something I do clean it but sometimes forget to turn off lights or even flush the toilet because my minds is focused somewhere else.

I tend to get tunnel vision when I am focused on a thought which leads to me forgetting to do things.

See if you can get him professional help and help with his alcohol consumption, when I was hitting the bottle really hard it's when I got the most depressed and got angry at everything.

 

[VAW]

Thank you all for the comments, I appreciate that!
And it has helped me reading them all, trying to decide how I can help him the most.
You guys are wonderful and I think you's are all right on track!