help w/ 2 awkward social situations

[paloftoon]

I feel like I've had to stand up for myself because many people put me in awkward situations. It makes me seem very anti-social, but it turns out that is not quite the case at all.

In one situation, I have a lot in common with this one person, M. We have so much in common that there are others that are surprised we have not bonded more closely. We don't talk because there was a disagreement the manner in which we went about hanging out. I'm fine with not hanging out with him if he doesn't feel the same way, but I don't think it would hurt to tell him 1-1 in-person that I'd like to be on talking/acquaintance terms. If we're to hang out, he need to initiate, but I will not mention this part. Do you think it's worth the effort to mend this relationship slightly?

In another situation, I used to be in this social group. A mom runs it, and her son is in it. They asked me one time, somewhat randomly, to 1-1, if they could mediate the relationship between me and a girl, S, whom I did not get along with from a disagreement before I joined this group. Later on, I find out that mom's son is in a tight clique with this girl and others whom I'm comfortable with and one who was an @$$, but in which that situation is probably much more easily mendable. I ended up quitting the group for a combination of factors. Mom's son is in this big, tight clique with that girl and others at a biweekly event that I told the son about. He hadn't been getting back to me, but yet it was okay for him to come through another friend instead. Also, mom hadn't been getting back to me either. Also, other parents who reached out to me from the group didn't seem to be looking at my interests at all- only theirs to an extreme. Is it worth it for me to ask about their mediator requests and try to remedy things, but keeping in mind that I need girl to be open, honest, and accepting about everything, and not making a big deal all these situations that she doesn't agree with me about ( and never had anything to do with)?
I feel like I've turned so many people away with good reason, but is it really worth it? I sometimes wonder. I feel like at this point, I may only have my time and energy to lose at this point by trying to reach out. I didn't totally shut the door because i told the mom and son by e-mail they could still contact me 1-1. My gut doubts they really want to reach out though. Thank you.

 

[Ste11aeres]

In regards to the first situation, I think it is worth it to tell the person that you'd like to be on aquaintance terms. No harm in also mentioning that if there's hanging out you'd like him to initiate.

 

[paloftoon]

It seems this is too complicated for people on here, the second situation. I bumped into a friendish acquaintance online outside of the group when none of my other "friends" or acquaintances could really be depended on. Luckily, despite his awful personal situation, he talked me through my problems. We figured out that I had nothing to lose pretty much by sending e-mails to such and such a person 1-1 to let them know how I am feeling and why.

After doing this and before and during when I was doing it, it was nerve wracking. I have no regrets though, because I know if it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be and that person is not open enough. I feel it helped mend things slightly. Maybe it won't be the tight friendships I want , but at least it's a step in the right direction. Sometimes you have to look at yourself, and sometimes it's more about how to deal with the situations at hand.


Many who socialize easy probably likes mainstream stuff, there's a good chance they are not very empathetic, and they can't necessarily appreciate what's critically good or are as classy as some people with unique interests. This is a general statement not 100% true of course, but those tendencies I feel seem to occur.

 

[Stacey]

This is exactly why I fail to socialize. Where's the honesty? People smile, then as soon as a backs turned...
I can't comprehend the 'social rules' because there's no truth in them! I realise it's my honesty that gets me into hot water. If I lied i'd get along just fine. But I'm not comfortable with that. If I like someone, I like them. If I don't, I'll let them know in a civil way. (If i'm pushed, in a not so civil way)

I'm not good at advice. So my advice is not to pay it too much attention.
But i'd write a letter. Get someone impartial to read it first before you send it though! I've caused major fireworks with my little 'letters of reconcilliation'.

Actually, on second thoughts do not...I REPEAT do not take that advice.

 

[Judge]

It IS perplexing. More often than not, I surmise human socialization in general as a "cult of dishonesty", not unlike that of politics. There is such ethical grounding and simple logic in honesty.Yet 98% of humanity is so quick to reject it, citing the intent not to hurt others' feelings, while all along intended to mask hidden agendas.

We are continually told to exist and adapt to a society which emphasizes not what is actually said, but rather how it is said. With so much "diplomacy" amongst an overwhelming majority, you'd think the planet would be at near total harmony. Yet it isn't.

And the medical establishment labels us a "disorder".

 

[paloftoon]

This is exactly why I fail to socialize. Where's the honesty? People smile, then as soon as a backs turned...
I can't comprehend the 'social rules' because there's no truth in them! I realise it's my honesty that gets me into hot water. If I lied i'd get along just fine. But I'm not comfortable with that. If I like someone, I like them. If I don't, I'll let them know in a civil way. (If i'm pushed, in a not so civil way)

I'm not good at advice. So my advice is not to pay it too much attention.
But i'd write a letter. Get someone impartial to read it first before you send it though! I've caused major fireworks with my little 'letters of reconcilliation'.

Actually, on second thoughts do not...I REPEAT do not take that advice.

Maybe you should consider only being partially honest. How honest you should be should be based on the amount you can trust the person. You have to take risks, so you won't always get it right. More importantly, try not to let people step all over you. Just try your best to deal with any situation that comes your way. That's really the best that we can do.

Thank you for trying to respond.

 

[AgentPalpatine]

I have to admit I'm not following the second example, I'm not exactly sure what happened, that A and/or A's mother didn't reach out to you?

 

[paloftoon]

I have to admit I'm not following the second example, I'm not exactly sure what happened, that A and/or A's mother didn't reach out to you?

Sorry, it is confusing. There are 4 people who I have a conflict with basically. One is a mother and her son for not responding. Another is a girl who I don't get along with at all because she doesn't agree with me about how I handled a situation that didn't involve her at all. Another man I have a slight conflict with because he pushed me away socially, but that man is also friends with mother's son. The girl, man, and mother's son are all pretty tight.

Also, a few other parents have been too selfish basically.

 

[AgentPalpatine]

Sorry, it is confusing. There are 4 people who I have a conflict with basically. One is a mother and her son for not responding. Another is a girl who I don't get along with at all because she doesn't agree with me about how I handled a situation that didn't involve her at all. Another man I have a slight conflict with because he pushed me away socially, but that man is also friends with mother's son. The girl, man, and mother's son are all pretty tight.

Also, a few other parents have been too selfish basically.

So, people wanted to blame you for something that didn't involve you, they didn't want to take your thoughts into account, and they don't want to talk to you. :sigh: "Take a hike" seems to be the message they were sending. I doubt they will be contacting you directly.

 

[paloftoon]

When I spoke with a friendish acquaintance, he told me I should strongly consider being more open and honest with these people 1-1, and that an e-mail was appropriate. This did help tremendously with a lot of my troubles. Even the person in situation #2 described at the top responded, but I didn't feel comfortable with that one because there was something off on the reciprocation. There was some explanation that the son would forget many doctor's appts. and such. The mom took some of the blame for not communicating well. But then she said that everything will work out positively. I'm not sure if by that, she means positively because I can just go away from the group, or that they would actually try to make good attempt efforts to be civil and have everyone be socially acceptable. I lean toward the first unfortunately. I wonder if it's worth asking that mom which one she means. She has been somewhat nice to me with advice in the past. That was the past though, and I feel the relationship is just different now, or for now. Any thoughts if it's worth the effort to ask a "brazen" question such as if positives meant "positive when I am not in the group" versus "positive that we will try to work things better out socially for everyone in-person."? Thank you.

 

[Ste11aeres]

When I spoke with a friendish acquaintance, he told me I should strongly consider being more open and honest with these people 1-1, and that an e-mail was appropriate. This did help tremendously with a lot of my troubles. Even the person in situation #2 described at the top responded, but I didn't feel comfortable with that one because there was something off on the reciprocation. There was some explanation that the son would forget many doctor's appts. and such. The mom took some of the blame for not communicating well. But then she said that everything will work out positively. I'm not sure if by that, she means positively because I can just go away from the group, or that they would actually try to make good attempt efforts to be civil and have everyone be socially acceptable. I lean toward the first unfortunately. I wonder if it's worth asking that mom which one she means. She has been somewhat nice to me with advice in the past. That was the past though, and I feel the relationship is just different now, or for now. Any thoughts if it's worth the effort to ask a "brazen" question such as if positives meant "positive when I am not in the group" versus "positive that we will try to work things better out socially for everyone in-person."? Thank you.

"Positive" almost certainly meant "positive that we will try to work things better out socially for everyone in-person."

People (NTs) who dislike you would not say "things will work out positively". If they disliked you that much, they wouldn't want to run the risk that you would interpret those words as words of acceptance.

 

[paloftoon]

"Positive" almost certainly meant "positive that we will try to work things better out socially for everyone in-person."

People (NTs) who dislike you would not say "things will work out positively". If they disliked you that much, they wouldn't want to run the risk that you would interpret those words as words of acceptance.

This most certainly is a tough situation because people are just being @$$#$ and f-ed up. So basically, since there's been no reciprocation and too many broken promises and no effort to remedy for months, whether it is true or partially true that there are factors affecting so and so from responding properly to me, it seems if something so casual becomes so unpleasantly a chore and burdensome, I just need to walk away. Not that I leave the door close, but my trust and respect need to be earned and they need to initiate.

I've spoken or "spoken" to three people all with different opinions, all very valid. Time can only tell for sure, but a lot of time has already passed. Well, I guess one thing is I should not depend on these people for anything, that much we can figure out. . . :/ Thank you all!!

 

[Ste11aeres]

This most certainly is a tough situation because people are just being @$$#$ and f-ed up. So basically, since there's been no reciprocation and too many broken promises and no effort to remedy for months, whether it is true or partially true that there are factors affecting so and so from responding properly to me, it seems if something so casual becomes so unpleasantly a chore and burdensome, I just need to walk away. Not that I leave the door close, but my trust and respect need to be earned and they need to initiate.

I've spoken or "spoken" to three people all with different opinions, all very valid. Time can only tell for sure, but a lot of time has already passed. Well, I guess one thing is I should not depend on these people for anything, that much we can figure out. . . :/ Thank you all!!

I do think she meant "positively for all the people involved including you". But I don't think that the fact that she said that, and meant it, means that it actually is likely to work out positively for you.

 

[paloftoon]

I think I got my answer today to this. This group of 5 (also in the social group that I was a part of) that showed up to a video game group that I am in 2 weeks ago, it withered back down to 2, and those 2 people and I didn't speak. It was awkward, but it felt like a sign that it's just time to move on and just let each other "be." The 3 people whom I describe, they all were involved in some way in the drama described above. It's been one game after another. Well, despite the mess, there have been worse people, but easier to figure out though their intentions at least. . .