Help with Bullies Pls

[MomofAspie]

My amazing son is 9 years old and was diagnosed with Asperger's 3 years ago, unlike a lot of parents I was not upset with the diagnosis I was relieved when I was told because it meant that finally I could get the services he deserved and it also explained a lot. But while his family and classmates are able to accept him and his "quirks" the neighbourhood children are not. I've searched and searched on the internet about what to do when your child is being bullied but all the information that I can find is in relation to school bullies or cyber bullies. Well my son is 9 and isn't allowed a facebook account and he doesn't have a cell phone and we chose alternative schooling (a charter school) and his only bully was kicked out of the school because he was physically and sexually abusing another child and when that family looked into pressing charges the bully left the school.

But these neighbourhood kids are horrible. Since he was four he was called an asshole by one, by the time he was in first grade the verbal abuse had spread to a small gang of boys. In second grade that gang had moved on to picking up the river rocks that are all over the neighbourhood and throwing them at my child (in addition too the verbal abuse) and manipulating what few friends he had to the point where there weren't any friends. And now in the summer between third and fourth grade the physical has stepped up a notch. This afternoon one particular boy with his own ADHD and aggression issues gave my son a black eye with some pretty decent swelling, we had to give pain medication because his face hurt so bad. I just don't know what to do, everyone involved are minors and it's turned into a "my word vs. yours". We've had problems with this aggressor before where I had to call the police but I was told that there wasn't much to be done because he is a minor. I am angry, frustrated and feel helpless and I am losing sleep over it.

Is there anyone who has advice? What can I do?

 

[Loomis]

My son was bullied and never was able to find a neighborhood friend. He would have been better off never associating with kids in the neighborhood; he always ended up disappointed. On Halloween I put on a costume and went trick or treating with him since he did not have a friend. We lived in a very nice neighborhood. My son plays the violin and we got him involved in a lot of music related activities where he made a few friends. He was also in a boy choir and he enjoyed that too. Kids in music are much more accepting and his friends live on the other side of the city which is a 40 minute drive each way but it works for him.

I would suggest finding an activity he likes to do where he can meet other kids outside of school and away from the neighborhood. If he makes a friend invite them over for a sleepover. Church events are a place he might meet kids but my son was even bullied at some Church's.

You are doing the right thing protecting him from the bullies and I feel bad I can't give you better advice on how to protect your son from local hooligans. I know what it is like in the inner city because i grew up there but I did not look and act vulnerable. Since he looks vulnerable the only real solution is for him to have a protector who will stand up to the bullies. That's not easy to find. If the police won't help I don't know what you can do other than to keep him inside or move. Maybe someone else can suggest something more creative.

 

[Geordie]

Local hooligans just want to exert influence and power through their various tactics. They do these so those who are socially unable couldn't win. And Aspies are usually less able than many others to deal with social situations.

There is nothing much the Aspie and his family would do. However, whenever possible, be aware that some people will choose to use one's limitations to their advantages, and so, the different things we try to do to manage stuff that make us less comfortable with ourselves. Proactive readiness is a big, useful defence for many of us.

 

[smith2267]

First, I think you should allow him to have a FB account, with stern warnings not to let his schoolmates know about it. Have it be under something other than his full name so they can't spot it. Aspies have a much better time making friends on the internet than they do face to face.
Secondly, set clear rules about when it is ok to defend yourself and when it is not. Aspies take things literally, and we expect you to be honest. DON'T send mixed messages.

Thirdly, try and get him interested in some form of self defense
Fourth, make sure he is presentable when he goes to school--that is to say, clean and fashionably dressed like his peers.
Fifth, try and get him interested in something his peers will think is cool.

 

[MomofAspie]

Thank you all for helping me sort out a few things. I know I can't control the local hooligan's, but it's still very frustrating. We don't live in the inner city, we live in suburbia which can be even worse because these little shits believe that they are better than anyone else and Mommy and Daddy think they are little angels. Am I the only parent these days that knows and admits that my children aren't perfect and make mistakes as well as have poor behaviour sometimes?

He has been enrolled in martial arts for three years now, first in Kempo and for the past two years he has been studying Aikido, so he knows how to protect himself but he won't. That is where a lot of my frustration is coming from, he will not protect himself because he is afraid that he'll hurt someone :banghead:. His instructor and myself are very clear on when it is ok to use his skills to defend himself and when it is not, there is no grey area. It has been drilled into him that there are ONLY two situations in which he can use his skills 1) at the dojo while taking lessons, and 2) when you need to protect yourself.

He does share interests with his peers, both at school and in the neighbourhood, but he has trouble interacting with his peers on a cooperative level. On his first day of school he saw a kid in his class wearing a minecraft t-shirt and he got excited to talk to this person about the game and the kid wearing the shirt told him to shut up and go away and then started mocking him with another student, it broke my heart to see that. Also a couple of these neighbourhood brats are new to the 'hood and did start out playing with him, computer games mostly, but they turned on him in a big way. The anger and aggression from these new kids is shocking, at the start of the school year there was an incident where one picked up a pair of scissors and made the motions to throw them at my son and the reaction I get from their mother is "boys will be boys". Yea will police will be police! All he was trying to do was ride his bike around the block with his brother and they were blocking the way with a folding table and harassing local traffic as well as my boys. Thank goodness now that we are in the full swing of school they aren't out anymore.

Now that school has started my boy has started Djembe lessons that his school provides, today will be his last one however because I have had to remove him from his charter school. He doesn't seem interested in actually learning how to play either, he just wants to goof around with the drum and he is making the rest of the students and his instructor angry.

I still will not allow him a FB account because I know how cyber bullying works and I don't want to expose him to that until he is better capable of dealing with the emotional fall out. He does play minecraft with people on public servers, so he does have online social interaction but I don't feel he is ready for something like FB.

Sorry for the late update and reply, end of summer and beginning of the school year has been on steaming hot mess that has ended up with me registering my kids back into district schools, out of the charter school.

 

[imagesbyholly]

Thank you all for helping me sort out a few things. I know I can't control the local hooligan's, but it's still very frustrating. We don't live in the inner city, we live in suburbia which can be even worse because these little shits believe that they are better than anyone else and Mommy and Daddy think they are little angels. Am I the only parent these days that knows and admits that my children aren't perfect and make mistakes as well as have poor behaviour sometimes?

He has been enrolled in martial arts for three years now, first in Kempo and for the past two years he has been studying Aikido, so he knows how to protect himself but he won't. That is where a lot of my frustration is coming from, he will not protect himself because he is afraid that he'll hurt someone :banghead:. His instructor and myself are very clear on when it is ok to use his skills to defend himself and when it is not, there is no grey area. It has been drilled into him that there are ONLY two situations in which he can use his skills 1) at the dojo while taking lessons, and 2) when you need to protect yourself.

He does share interests with his peers, both at school and in the neighbourhood, but he has trouble interacting with his peers on a cooperative level. On his first day of school he saw a kid in his class wearing a minecraft t-shirt and he got excited to talk to this person about the game and the kid wearing the shirt told him to shut up and go away and then started mocking him with another student, it broke my heart to see that. Also a couple of these neighbourhood brats are new to the 'hood and did start out playing with him, computer games mostly, but they turned on him in a big way. The anger and aggression from these new kids is shocking, at the start of the school year there was an incident where one picked up a pair of scissors and made the motions to throw them at my son and the reaction I get from their mother is "boys will be boys". Yea will police will be police! All he was trying to do was ride his bike around the block with his brother and they were blocking the way with a folding table and harassing local traffic as well as my boys. Thank goodness now that we are in the full swing of school they aren't out anymore.

Now that school has started my boy has started Djembe lessons that his school provides, today will be his last one however because I have had to remove him from his charter school. He doesn't seem interested in actually learning how to play either, he just wants to goof around with the drum and he is making the rest of the students and his instructor angry.

I still will not allow him a FB account because I know how cyber bullying works and I don't want to expose him to that until he is better capable of dealing with the emotional fall out. He does play minecraft with people on public servers, so he does have online social interaction but I don't feel he is ready for something like FB.

Sorry for the late update and reply, end of summer and beginning of the school year has been on steaming hot mess that has ended up with me registering my kids back into district schools, out of the charter school.

Hey there-
As a mom myself, I cheer you for not giving him a facebook account. It seems like only bad things can come of that for such a young child (plus the rules say 13 or older). I don't really have advice since the moronic police won't do anything, but I wanted to tell you that my children don't play with the neighborhood kids at all. They are not allowed to , nor do they want to because we live in a pretty trashy neighborhood. It does bother me, because I had neighborhood friends growing up (I got bullied in school), but I just have to get over it. We spend time with other families from our homeschool group and church and family (cousins and such), and my children have some friends and are kinder than others, so I feel like they are a success socially. I want my children to be kind and confident, not "socialized" into acting like morons and losing all thier confidence.

All that to say he should probably avoid the kids in the neighborhood and find fun elsewhere. I am sorry the kids can hardly even ride their bikes- that's tough! There seems to be a real lack of caring in your area. There's more to life than playing with kids. Kids can be so terribly cruel, and parents of cruel kids so terribly clueless.

Is there a support group or activity group for kids with asperger's in your area? Maybe you could start one! A mom here started a specials co - op for classes on fridays for our homeschool group and it's been a screaming success. Maybe you could contact school special need people and psychiatrists and stuff in your area to find one or to advertize one you create. He might enjoy the company of other kids who are equally different, and they might be kinder and more accepting of one another than the kids at school. For me, I was so hated in school that I wanted to die, but I was too ashamed to tell my mom. So my heart really goes out to your son.

 

[Tarragon]

I back the "no fb" attitude wholeheartedly. As an adult aspie, I find it less than useless anyway, as it's way too open to abuse from idiots online.

The only community online I feel utterly safe to talk to is right here on AC. And that's got me thinking. Should there be an AC for kids? This place has adult themes in some threads so might not be totally suitable for minors, but reading about your story has made me realise the need for a kid friendly aspie community.

I don't know anything about how to set up this, but I would happily support someone willing to do it. As kids, most of us adult aspies here did not get any support whatsoever (I'm 39, and had to deal with it on my own, not even my parents knew something was wrong!). I would like to do something to help redress this.

Im going off on a sidetrack, but as for your kid and the local bullies, then I'd say he doesn't need to go out and meet them. I suppose being over protective is bad, but not when he gets physically attacked. Im already angry over another story I posted about, where a teenage girl was badly beaten up by a gang of nine "people" (I'd like to substitute another more appropriate word there, but I won't).

I was bullied, and have in one form or another, encountered it throughout my adult working life too. Im fed up of them getting away with it (and they always seem to). :/

 

[Soup]

Hi MomofAspie:

My heart goes out to you & your son. This kind of neighbourhood bullying can be almost impossible to stop once it has begun. Unfortunately, there's little the police can intervene & do unless the situation crosses some invisible line & becomes criminal. Even there, it is difficult to prove culpability because each of the kids responsible for the bullying will de-emphasize their role, claim your son somehow provoked them or struck first & it does become a he said/she said situation.

I'm also in suburbia & I'm familiar with the attitude of entitlement some of these kids & their parents have. In underprivileged areas, the problem becomes unsupervised kids with unskilled parents. Either way, solutions are not apparent.

Much good advice has been given here. As an Aspie myself I've noticed how parents of male Aspies in particular often dress them oddly (flood pants, oddly fitting clothing, disfiguring haircuts, unflattering glasses frames) I think it was Smith2267 who suggested making sure he appeared stylish. This doesn't mean making him into a fashion plate: it does mean making him appear as conventionally normal for his environment as is possible. As unfair as it is, we humans DO judge books by their covers all the time. Looking 'regular' & being able to blend in has saved me much grief.

You have said that these kids are 'little shits' & that their parents think that they're angels. Are you certain that this is the case? It may be an idea to send a registered letter to the parents of each child explaining who you are, where you live & who your son is. Explain in a non-threatening & non-blaming way what your son has experienced & specifically what their child has done. Take a team approach: stress the fact that we all want the neighbourhood to be safe for all children, all of you ant your children to be well behaved & not only while parents are watching. Explain a little about Asperger's & how it renders your child different & vulnerable BUT not dangerous. Who knows what the heck these kids have said to these parents about what your son is like? They may think he's that 'weird kid' who comes around starting trouble because, after all, their little kid plays well with all the other kids.

These kids may also be equally ignorant & miseducated. Banding together & picking on someone vulnerable might make them feel powerful, confident & like 'insiders'. When one of these kids is alone without their friends to egg them on or get into trouble with them, do they still bother your son? Often with child (as well as teen) 'bullies', they only behave aggressively when there are others there to impress.

As for the martial arts thing, it is a BIG myth amongst adult parents that somehow knowing Karate or whatever will make a child less likely to be bullied & make him willing & able to physically defend himself. Let me divest you of that delusion. I did martial arts from 1st grade up into my 20s in a strict traditional formal school.

A senior disciple from another school I'll call 'Daniel' (6'5" tall, 230 lbs age 24 at that time) was seated & riding the metro home from university. He was struck on the head by a 14 yr old with a wrench, robbed & badly beaten. In class, you see the opponent coming & he attacks you in a choreographed manner. He doesn't jump out from behind a car as you're walking by sending a TXT message or sitting on a park bench reading a comic book. Bullies tend to attack all at once: not conveniently 1 at a time. It isn't like in the movies where 1 'Bruce Lee' kicks the @$$E$ of 3 armed men. One 9 year old with a baseball bat could send a martial arts master into oblivion before he even knew what happened. It does give students discipline, fitness, mental acuity & increased confidence, though.

Also, should some kid push your son & he reacted with a well-aimed martial arts strike causing injuries, he'd be in more trouble than the aggressor. As strange as it seems, 'defending yourself' is a legal grey area muck mire. At a certain level, martial arts masters must carry a special card because their body becomes a concealed weapon & ADVISE anyone before striking them. Can you imagine having to advise a mugger that your body is a lethal weapon?!?

Your son knows darned well that if he strikes one of these kids, it will be his word (as an oddball Aspie) against the word of 2-3 'normal' possibly more articulate kids. He also probably doesn't want to fight or hurt anyone.

I like the idea of finding friendship & suitable peers through structured activities. Either way, we all recognize how difficult & hard to fix this situation is. Please let us know what you do & how it turns out.

 

[mon120591]

I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism, and was constantly made fun of as a kid. I came home crying almost everyday. My uncle gave me some good advice for verbal abuse. When a bully comes up & starts calling you names, tell the bully "thank you" and be sure to smile. It will confuse them, and after a while, the bully gives up because he/she can see it's not affecting your son. It's worked for me for many years. Hope I helped.

 

[Neramo]

I think it's imprtant to make your child trust you enough to be honest with you, is the most imprtant you can do. If he feels like he's failing you, by telling you he's getting bullied, then he'll just lie to you. Sometimes its hard to tell mom or dad about something like this, but might be easier to tell it to and uncle or an ant. Try to get your siblings to ask questions, if you thing your son/daughter is keeping things seecret from you.



In my case, my only advice is to recommend him to tell someone. In my case i weren't bullied at school. Atleast not more that i how i bullied others Were a little bully myself, and wish i could deny that.

My biggest problem with bullying were at work. Were bullied by my boss, and considered suicide many time. Even though i manage to quit my work later, my self asteem were pretty low for many years after. Still don't have a high self asteem, but don't consider suicide anymore.

When i quit my job because of being bullying it were a schock to my parents and siblings. I didn't tell any of'em about it, cause i have always been keeping secrets to myself. To tell me to stand up for myself, wouldn't help. It's impossible for me to do that. That's why some of us gets easily bullied.

I daydreamed many times about standing up for myself. When he yelled at me, i often came up with good answers, when it were 30 seconds too late. I held it for myself, until the day i decided to quit my job. It's really hard to not be able to say the words in time, especially when your smart enough to know that it would help.

You could have tried to help me by telling me to stand up for myself, but that would just had made me feel more of a looser. Not sure what's the best thing to do is. But if you would tell me just to stand up for myself, would just make me feel more like a looser, since i wouldn't be able to do it.

I think it's imprtant to make your child trust you enough to be honest with you, is the most imprtant you can do. If he feels like he's failing you, by telling you he's getting bullied, then he'll just lie to you. Sometimes its hard to tell mom or dad about something like this, but might be easier to tell it to and uncle or an ant. Try to get your siblings to ask questions, if you thing your son/daughter is keeping things seecret from you.