Help with changing the way i think

[Skids]

Hello all.

I wanted to check in to the forum again to ask for your wise views on an issue that is now making life not worth living.

The dilemma on whether or not i have to accept that i must change the way that i think in order to get better and find some hope in life once more.

I am a 45 year old family man who has a diagnosis of what was Asperger's Syndrome. Apologies if it still is known as that and i have offended anyone. I get confused as to what the appropriate term to use is these days as it seems to change a lot.

For the past few years i have experienced a pervasive attitude of hostility, intolerance and almost hatred of others. Not everyone of course but just generally humans, human behaviour etc etc whilst obviously fully acknowledging that i too am human and also make mistakes, sometimes act selfishly, whether knowingly or not.

I guess i have turned into a misanthrope. I did not used to be like this. I have also been reading a lot of philosophical literature from the likes of Soren Kiekergaard, Arthur Schopenhauer and Friedrich Nietsczhe, Carl Jung etc which i guess hasn't helped as they are all miserable buggers!

However, i actually relate to and understand their musings and it appears that most people in general go about their lives in a more simpler, unassuming way which makes it hard to relate to them sometimes.

A lot of human behaviour annoys the bejesus out of me and my rigid thinking tars everyone with the same brush and i know not everyone is bad / selfish etc.

I have had issues recently with the NHS in England persistently unable to do their jobs properly and do what they are paid to do. This has actually impacted my physical and mental health and has led to multiple complaints and two legal challenges which is stressful but i just cannot accept that people who are paid to do jobs should not face accountability and consequences as a result of incompetence.

After all, if people paid to do jobs did them properly then i would have nothing to complain about. As it happens to me frequently, all i seem to be doing these days is rattling off complaints letters and pre legal documents as my tolerance for incompetence amongst systems and organizations is diminished.

In addition, i have been refused therapy by the NHS because of my rigid thinking and inability to be flexible with thought and challenge by rigid beliefs.

What annoys me is that they view me as a thorn in the side, a persistent complainer and they choose to label me as mentally ill or stubborn simply because i am prepared to stand up for myself and not prepared to accept failings and poor service.

Their logic is that because i complain about things (and rightly so IMO) then instead of looking at why i have complained and addressing the failures in the system of people paid to do jobs they have failed to do, then it is easier to say that it is my rigid thinking doing it and thus i have mental illness. When in actual fact i am not mentally ill, i just want and expect people to do their bloody jobs properly in the first place so that i am not impacted.

Similarly, i frequently get angry at the selfish behaviour of people or behaviour that impacts on others and instead of agreeing with me and joining me in the fight to make the world a better place for us all, they say it is me with the problem and i need to change the way i think in order to get less angry and thus less ill. When in actual fact it is other people's selfish behaviour that i find intolerable and needing to change.

So effectively, because i expect people in paid employment to do their jobs properly and people to behave with consideration for others generally and they don't, then it is me who has to accept this and change my way of thinking in order to not become consumed by hatred, frustration and total apathy with existence.

Do i have high standards, unrealistic expectations or is it right to complain about things if you believe someone has not done their jobs properly or failed to give you the service that you expect?

The issue being that i find myself now complaining about nearly everything because people and organizations are just so inept sometimes.

How do i change my outlook / thinking patterns (if even it can be done) to essentially ignore minor inconveniences and selfish behaviours or even banal interests that people have such as reality tv etc so that i can once again actually want to be around people again?

At the moment i am cut adrift. I have the attitude that it is them and I. They are the dumb, simple ones and i am the beacon of common sense and rational logic in an insane world. Obviously this attitude is extremely arrogant and not one which i want to hold onto, however i don't see a way out or a way of changing my thinking and being kinder, more accommodating of people. Especially when they don't give any accommodations to me.

Can i learn to see the good in people and society again or is it a lost cause and i will forever judge and despise a lot of people simply for being people?

Sorry about it being a long post. It is difficult to explain clearly how i am feeling.

Thanks to you all.

 

[Raggamuffin]

There is a massive self-help industry. So many books, or audiobooks if you prefer. Also Youtube videos etc. Mindfulness, meditation, wholefoods diets, cognitive behavioural therapy, regular exercise, regular sleep schedule etc. All of those can go a long way with mental health.

I guess take something specific such as Anxiety or Depression and see what info you can find online.

Ed

 

[SimonSays]

Of course you are right, and someone needs to stand up for the incompetence around us. I too can see the failings of the NHS, but I also understand that they are under tremendous pressure, probably having far less staff than they've ever had, and there is a hidden agenda to privatise everything, so in a way it has to fail to make it politically possible.

This very thing may be what motivates some people to go into politics themselves, trying to make a difference from the inside, only to find such a difficult uphill struggle to get anywhere, that they end up compromising their integrity long before they ever get into a position where they can do anything. That's the system, and you can't change the system by going through the system.

I could tell you what might actually work in changing the system, and I suspect you would understand it better than most. But this is not about changing the system, this is about you being able to work with it in a way that allows you to get the help you need, at least what may be available, and being able to accept things as they are even though you know that they could be so much better, finding peace within yourself which is so important just to live a normal day-to-day life.

It is certainly right to complain about something you feel you wish to make known, but if you do it in a way that accepts you will probably not change anything, or get to see it if it does, your mental health will not suffer.

I think the secret is to speak the truth without needing the truth to be heard. Just by writing it and somebody reading it creates the possibility of change even if they're unable to or reluctant to change it. Just know that you make a difference, and the message is getting across, and many others are doing the same, and when we look at something like UK column news, we can see that many people understand what's going on, and in their own small way are doing something. That should make you feel part of something bigger, so you're not alone in having to fight the big battle.

 

[Varzar]

I was a lot like that 20+ years ago.
It's family (read: my wife) that made me feel better about people and society as a whole. Just having one person that I could be me with, no masks. That had compassion and understanding of me (although the understanding of AS would take 20 years together to figure out).

I'm still irritated by the incompetence in the world, of course. But, I can choose battles, and have the energy to wear my masks for those battles so I can present my arguments in the way an NT would so I don't come across as being overly rude (cause straight up honesty is often considered rude when presented in the apparently wrong way).
More to the point, the things broken in the world don't eat away at me like they used to, which is what it sounds like it's doing to you.

You said you are a family man. Do you have the support, compassion and understanding you need from your family?

 

[Suzette]

At the moment i am cut adrift. I have the attitude that it is them and I. They are the dumb, simple ones and i am the beacon of common sense and rational logic in an insane world. Obviously this attitude is extremely arrogant and not one which i want to hold onto, however i don't see a way out or a way of changing my thinking and being kinder, more accommodating of people. Especially when they don't give any accommodations to me.

You have backed yourself into a corner with your logic and rationale. From that perspective no one can help you as no argument can be made in which you can be persuaded to agree.

You seem genuinely disressed by your anger. That's a good start. Recognizing your anger is root cause of your distress will enable you to move forward.

The only thing you can do is to focus on your anger less.

Before I left my ex husband, I was where you are now. Or at least your story seems familiar to me. My ex was abusive, belittling and warped/crazy. His treatment of me left me feeling enraged. It took decades for me to realize that my ager was suffering over my suffering and it was a distraction that was making it difficult for me to see my way out.

Your anger with the NHS is making it difficult to see how to get what you want.

Of course you can't just stop being angry like stopping a car. And your anger is well jusified. It's just not very helpful.

To get out of this self sabotaging mind set, I decided that I needed to limit whrn and how much I focused on my anger. When I started thinking aboytmy ex and feeling angry, I asked myself "Does this thought help you right now?"

So the conversation went something like this:
Q- Does that thought help you right now?
A- I am (shopping, at work, talking to my son, eating dinner). No, I can't change the situation from where I am now, so, no these thoughts do not help me.

Each time my anger surfaced I made a conscious desicion about whether or not I chose to think those thoughts.

Next I chose a time I could reliably be alone. Wednesday at 3 p.m. for example and I scheduled time to rage and let my anger out. Scheduling a time allowed me to focus on the present and know that my anger would have an apporopriate time to come out.

I would also try to catch myself before I expressed my anger inappropriately. I monitored my adrenal responses like rapid heart beat, shaky hands and rapid shallow breathing so that I could tell, before I exploded, that my anger was building. And then I asked myself more questions. "You are angry because you can't get what you want. Can this woman change that? No, she is just a low level receptionist. It is not her fault there are rules she has to follow."

Whenever I found myself getting angry and I could not do anything about it I would distract myself however I could in the moment. For example looking around the room and finding something I could feel good about. "That guys shirt is a really nice blue. I love blue. It reminds me of clear, sunny days in the mountains". The point is to deliberately choose more pleasing thoughts to think.

When you have time do some research into mindfulness. At the time I devised my anger therapy in the above examples, I didn't know about mindfulness but these thechniques have a lot in common with mindfulness and so, it may help you.

These techniques are not going to solve WHY you are angry. But they will get your mind off your anger so that you can find solutions to the WHY.

Ever since that horrible time in my life I have used these techniques whenever I feel overwhelmed. The questions have bern particularly helpful in helping me focus on solutions instead of emotions.

 

[Ken]

From what I get from your post, you are where I was about three years ago. I finally realized, especially after a long series of events that revealed my autism, that I was being overwhelmed by too many depression triggers. I didn't know that my attitude and constant anger was depression and the depression was due to being overwhelmed. I guess any one of the triggers was survivable, but adding them all together was too much. I guess the greatest one was work. When I started that job, it was a relatively small company. I was very happy there. It was by far the best job I ever had. It was like heaven. I had my own private office and work lab, my boss knew I couldn't operate with interruptions, and everyone respected that. Also, the company respected their customers. The company grew exponentially. As it grew, partners came on board and more managers that did not know me. Respect for customers went away, my personal lab and office went away and tiered management began. Adding all that to the absurdity of world affairs made me perpetually furious. I hated everything and everyone. Most of all; I hated me. I wanted out.
My wife told me that we could live on less and said I could quit my job. She said she thought I would be happier without the stress. She was confident that I could work enough odd jobs to get by.
That was about the time I started researching autism and it started dawning on me that I was autistic and realized that I was living a chronic, perpetual meltdown. I had to eliminate the triggers. So I quit my job. I started socializing less and stopped watching world news. Everything got better. I actually started to feel happy again. And it turned out that I didn't have to find odd jobs. Many of the customers from my previous job looked me up and came to me to do ongoing work for them.
I guess my message is to find and eliminate or at least greatly reduce the stress triggers. It worked for me. I would suspect that you could even begin to like people again when all the stresses are below your overwhelm threshold. But, ultimately to be able to like yourself and begin feeling happy again.

 

[watersprite]

Lots of support here, & excellent suggestions above.
I found that reading books by Thich Nhat Hanh helped me immensely. You might begin with
Anger.

 

[Streetwise]

The NHS pays lip service to autism accommodations, but they never appear, if you get CBT or other talk therapy, make it clear from dot!, that you have a diagnosis of AS ,as they can adjust and possibly give you more sessions.
I say I have autistic neurology ,the term AS was abandoned in England, as it gave the erroneous impression, that !that form of autistic neurology was wonderful and a blissfully easy life,you can fight them but they are the majority neurology (neurotypical)and won't go down without a fight,autism is not viewed as being sweet and benign that's why doctors\neurotypical parents in the UK have taken interest in cures!.

 

[unperson]

I'm a recovering perfectionist.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

So much depends on the person you want to be. And yes, you can change your thinking without sacrificing your evidently, strong, internal compass. As a teen and young adult (diagnosed at 60) I was socially isolated, desiring an intimate relationship, and determined to have more experiences in our great world. Yet, I was afraid of the new and had great social anxiety. I lost most of myself pleasing everyone, so diving into self help books, I understood that I needed to rewrite my inner dialogue to like myself, find my own voice, and advocate for myself. In otherwords, develop my agency. All of that I had to accomplish without help.

And, agency is the crux here if I understand you. Your writing comes off as being a victim of forces that you cannot control and feeling even more victimized when your railing at them yields no results. (firing those people, leaving them destitute?) You lack agency and I think because of that your weak boundaries have expanded far past what is personal. Self help resources may be able to teach you how to be properly introspective, understand more of yourself, and rewrite the negative dialogue in your mind. Once I liked myself, could express how interesting my special interests are, and thought of myself positively, understanding my ethical compass, and embraced difference, could I become part of the world. I've enjoyed a lot ever since.

My spouse had to teach me to Embrace Imperfection. It would do you well if you think about that.

 

[Au Naturel]

People not doing their jobs competently is not something we can ever overcome. There simply aren't enough competent people to go around. Incompetence is not a moral issue, it is simply how the world works. Whatever the job, whatever the pay, a certain percentage of people will not be able to do their job and a certain percentage of people will not be willing to do their job. I always factor that in when confronting a bureaucracy. That way I am pleasantly surprised when things go right. You might as well be angry over clouds in the sky.

You are thinking in terms of "oughts" and "shoulds." That only causes you to become judgmental. But you usually can't improve service by getting angry. (You can ruin your own happiness and digestion that way.) You might have your way if you cause a big enough fuss - and sometimes that really is necessary - but you also might make things worse. Either way, you've certainly made their world miserable and an angry office worker isn't likely to make your path any easier. Either way, the anger you generate hurts you as much or more than anyone else. Other people get the service they need without getting angry.

You "complain about nearly everything" yet has that made your life better? I think something deeper is going on where you dismiss all the things that go right. Maybe playing a script you learned. Maybe you are feeling unfocused anger over your life and bureaucratic snafus offers you a target to affix them to.

Reminds me of my parents - and teachers - who would lecture the crap out of me (or worse) every time I would fall short of their standards yet when I met or exceeded them, it didn't count because they didn't believe in rewards for doing what you were "supposed" to do. What would that teach me?

 

[QuestJan]

The dilemma on whether or not i have to accept that i must change the way that i think in order to get better and find some hope in life once more.

If you don't like the way you are, change your mind - literally.

I have not surveyed my perspective, but I am guessing this is a decision to assimilate or not. Be forewarned, I am spewing my advice as a socially unsuccessful person.

Our brains process information differently than NTs. Our ability to deeply learn our special interests is amazing. Pair this with OCD, ADHD, and reduced social interest and we have a superpower - when we find a venue that will support and even encourage excellence. Many work sights resent skill & talent.

I do make a big effort to assimilate at work. It's like I was given the script, but before I could read it, someone scissored it into a snowflake. I try to follow it, but chunks are missing and so I mess up.

I have learned that competence & efficiency can put NTs on edge. They thrive on mediocrity. But they tend to like compliments no matter how false.

I also think people who initially 'pass' are viewed as trojan horses as the NTs figure out that I am not one of them but am an anomaly.

I have worked about half my career in schools and the other half in medical settings. I have been describing schools. Medical is much less judgmental than schools and colleagues tend to be impressed by competence & efficiency. And people tend to mind their own business.

 

[Varzar]

I have learned that competence & efficiency can put NTs on edge. They thrive on mediocrity. But they tend to like compliments no matter how false.

My wife was working for a union based company for a while. The other employees told her she shouldn't work so hard cause it made them look bad.
She told them she was a contract worker and was paid by the hour. That was apparently an acceptable reason for them to allow her to work harder than they did..

 

[Au Naturel]

My wife was working for a union based company for a while. The other employees told her she shouldn't work so hard cause it made them look bad.
She told them she was a contract worker and was paid by the hour. That was apparently an acceptable reason for them to allow her to work harder than they did..

Reminds me of the Japanese proverb that the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

 

[Gracey]

You change your thinking by altering your perception, thus expectation & judgement.
It's a choice.
We choose to believe (something) in a certain way just as freely as we may choose to believe otherwise.

With expectations as high as yours read, I think I too would spend my days in a flux of perpetual disappointment and frustration
I'm not talking about your experience with the NHS specifically,
but your mention that you're increasingly irritated because you're generalising & judging everyone else as dumb.

If I were you I'd focus on your generalising and discover why you're choosing to label everyone that isn't you, that way.

 

[unperson]

I did 9 years in a bureaucracy and I can now understand why they're inefficient, if you knew how much backstabbing, undermining, rug pulling goes on in the average office, it's exhausting and people come to hate their jobs - we had 2 suicides in the time I was there.

 

[danjustlovescoffee]

There is a massive self-help industry. So many books, or audiobooks if you prefer. Also Youtube videos etc. Mindfulness, meditation, wholefoods diets, cognitive behavioural therapy, regular exercise, regular sleep schedule etc. All of those can go a long way with mental health.

I guess take something specific such as Anxiety or Depression and see what info you can find online.

Ed

many self-help books are said to simply issues in life. So be aware