Help with teenage son

[Dawnio]

I need some help and advice regarding my 14 yr old an. He has been diagnosed with high functioning autism. He has recently been isolating and distancing himself from myself and husband he just sits and plays games and only comes down for his dinner and goes back to his room. We try and have conversations and get him to go out but he’s not interested. School have said he has opened up and said that he has no future past school and that his plans will become evident then. He is having his first counseling session with school this week but they have said he needs to see a doctor asap which is easier said than done as he will refuse to see them. Can anyone please help and give some advice as to what we can do

 

[AuroraBorealis]

This sounds hard. I'd say the most important thing is to try to stay in contact with him, ask him how he's doing, show some interest, even if he doesn't really respond, just keep trying. If he's gaming, you could try showing interest in what he's playing, like, not from a parenting point of view (although that's, of course, valid) but more in a genuinely interested sort of way, ask him to explain you what it's about.
Do you feel like his mood has worsened, does he have trouble eating, sleeping, showing signs of depression in general? If he "only" discovered gaming as a new passion, that's one thing. If he's isolating himself and seems shutting down from the world, that's a different thing.
Gaming addiction (not saying he has it, just in general) is a tough one because we need computers and phones in our daily lives, and kids learn it growing up, seeing their parents with it. Also for therapists of gaming addiction, it's more about finding the balance. Like, some gaming is completely fine and you can even build a career around it (in software development, testing games, etc.), but it shouldn't completely take over your life.
How are things going at school? Does he have difficulties there? Does he have friends, do they game together? Maybe he's found friends via online gamine now?
I don't really see why the school says he needs to see a doctor ASAP. Has he shown concerning behavior there, maybe seemed depressed or even suicidal? That would indeed be a reason to see a doctor or even go to the emergency room. But it's not uncommon for a 14 year old to show less interest in school for a while, discover their passion for gaming and not know what the future holds, as long as that doesn't last forever and (and this is important) isn't a symptom from underlying depression, anxiety, etc. It would be important to find out what exactly worries the school, and if your son shows additional signs of mental distress.

 

[Dawnio]

Thank you for your response. He has been saying at school he wants to kill himself. At first they thought it was because his workload has become more than in previous years and this was his way to say he can’t cope with it. The teachers thought he wouldn’t harm himself but because he’s not interested in what he wants to do after he finishes school and saying that it will become evident why.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you for your response. He has been saying at school he wants to kill himself. At first they thought it was because his workload has become more than in previous years and this was his way to say he can’t cope with it. The teachers thought he wouldn’t harm himself but because he’s not interested in what he wants to do after he finishes school and saying that it will become evident why.

If he said he wants to kill himself, that's something that should always be taken seriously. Even if he means it as a cry for help with no real intention, it's a red flag that needs to be taken seriously in any case.
I would definitely try to talk to him immediately - maybe say you're worried about him and if there's something he'd like to talk about, if not to you then maybe to another adult. Try not to take it personal (I know that's impossible) if he prefers to talk to someone else instead of you, the most important thing is that he talks to anyone.
I know that's an impossible thing to do as a parent, I am stating it from the professional point of view, so I'm sorry if this seems a bit cold, but if he's acutely suicidal right now, then he'd have to be hospitalized even against his own will. That's very difficult but would be necessary for his own safety.
If he's not acutely suicidal but does have regular suicidal thoughts, he needs to be able to verbalize them. Don't be afraid to ask him directly if he feels suicidal and is thinking about taking his own life. You can only help him, not make things worse by this.

 

[Rodafina]

If he's gaming, you could try showing interest in what he's playing, like, not from a parenting point of view (although that's, of course, valid) but more in a genuinely interested sort of way, ask him to explain you what it's about.

I was thinking along these lines, too.

@Dawnio, what is your son's strongest form of communication? Does he prefer writing? Using images to communicate difficult feelings? Maybe talking during a walk or drive where direct eye contact is not required? What methods of communication have worked for you and your son in the past?

This certainly seems tricky, because it sounds like your son has talked about hurting himself, which is always very serious. At the same time, he is in a normal age range to start putting some distance between himself and you, his parent. It seems like a really good idea to set him up with a counselor and hopefully that will help. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to and at his age, a parent isn't always the most comfortable choice.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

14 is a rough age for anyone. They just got out of middle school, which can be absolutely brutal on the self-esteem. The teenage years are a time when it is perfectly normal to try to separate themselves from their parents, so there is a lot of "behavior" that goes along with that. It can be confusing for parents of autistic teens. Is this "normal" teenage behavior, or is it the autism speaking? It's probably a bit of both. Both my boys (non-autistic) spent ALOT of time in their rooms. They built their own computers and loved to tinker around with them and play video games for hours at a time. The only time we really spent any time with them was around the dinner table, but we really made an effort to involve them with life skills, laundry, balancing their checkbooks, cooking a meal, auto mechanics, etc. With boys, I think they really get some satisfaction out of being "useful" and respected. So sometimes, as parents, we would create the circumstances where they could do something and then being given gratitude and props (positive reinforcement). Both are successful engineers in their fields and we are very proud of them. However, getting them there, Holy Moses! It seemed like we were riding their butts all the time.

Some autistics are not classroom students, but if you give them a creative project, building something, doing something that makes them think and solve problems, they often thrive. The skilled trades, and there are plenty of them, and in high demand, with high salaries might be a path if the university is not for him. Frankly, right now, I would push most kids in this direction versus a university degree these days. A year or two of hands-on skilled training in any one of several fields, very little debt, and some of these jobs can yield 6-figure salaries within a few years, far better than some 4-6yr professional degrees.

As parents, I think we need to swallow that hard pill that some of our kids are not going to have spouses and children. My own boys, and one is married, but we don't expect grandchildren from either of them. This latest generation have a million and one reasons not to get married and have children. The "icing on the cake" is that as autistics, we struggle with social situations, communicating effectively, social anxieties, and we are often unable to "read" people, leaving us at a significant disadvantage. It's frustratingly painful for many of us not to have friends or a significant other. The Greek root word for "autism" is "auto" or "self", and it aptly describes our social experience, that is, being by ourself. I am married and have been with her for the better part of 38 years, but despite having many good acquaintances, I don't have any friends. I have enough mental energy for one person, and even then, I think she struggles with me at times. I make sure she goes out with her girlfriends every few weeks just to talk and socialize. We spend a lot of time together in silence. That's living with an autistic, and is certainly not for everyone.

Having said that, as parents, we don't want our children living with us either, as adults, and "failing to launch". So, at 14, you have 4 years to create a good citizen of the world, good morals, a drive to succeed, self-disciplined, responsible, accountable, with some life skills to survive out there without him knocking on your door in tears at the age of 20. The clock is ticking.

 

[Neri]

14 is a rough age for anyone. They just got out of middle school, which can be absolutely brutal on the self-esteem. The teenage years are a time when it is perfectly normal to try to separate themselves from their parents, so there is a lot of "behavior" that goes along with that. It can be confusing for parents of autistic teens. Is this "normal" teenage behavior, or is it the autism speaking? It's probably a bit of both. Both my boys (non-autistic) spent ALOT of time in their rooms. They built their own computers and loved to tinker around with them and play video games for hours at a time. The only time we really spent any time with them was around the dinner table, but we really made an effort to involve them with life skills, laundry, balancing their checkbooks, cooking a meal, auto mechanics, etc. With boys, I think they really get some satisfaction out of being "useful" and respected. So sometimes, as parents, we would create the circumstances where they could do something and then being given gratitude and props (positive reinforcement). Both are successful engineers in their fields and we are very proud of them. However, getting them there, Holy Moses! It seemed like we were riding their butts all the time.

Some autistics are not classroom students, but if you give them a creative project, building something, doing something that makes them think and solve problems, they often thrive. The skilled trades, and there are plenty of them, and in high demand, with high salaries might be a path if the university is not for him. Frankly, right now, I would push most kids in this direction versus a university degree these days. A year or two of hands-on skilled training in any one of several fields, very little debt, and some of these jobs can yield 6-figure salaries within a few years, far better than some 4-6yr professional degrees.

As parents, I think we need to swallow that hard pill that some of our kids are not going to have spouses and children. My own boys, and one is married, but we don't expect grandchildren from either of them. This latest generation have a million and one reasons not to get married and have children. The "icing on the cake" is that as autistics, we struggle with social situations, communicating effectively, social anxieties, and we are often unable to "read" people, leaving us at a significant disadvantage. It's frustratingly painful for many of us not to have friends or a significant other. The Greek root word for "autism" is "auto" or "self", and it aptly describes our social experience, that is, being by ourself. I am married and have been with her for the better part of 38 years, but despite having many good acquaintances, I don't have any friends. I have enough mental energy for one person, and even then, I think she struggles with me at times. I make sure she goes out with her girlfriends every few weeks just to talk and socialize. We spend a lot of time together in silence. That's living with an autistic, and certainly not for everyone.

Having said that, as parents, we don't want our children living with us either, as adults, and "failing to launch". So, at 14, you have 4 years to create a good citizen of the world, good morals, a drive to succeed, self-disciplined, responsible, accountable, with some life skills to survive out there without him knocking on your door in tears at the age of 20. The clock is ticking.

Commonality I wanted to point out. My SO's two sons are both engineers too. One is an electrical engineer, and the other a mechanical engineer.

Thank you for your response. He has been saying at school he wants to kill himself. At first they thought it was because his workload has become more than in previous years and this was his way to say he can’t cope with it. The teachers thought he wouldn’t harm himself but because he’s not interested in what he wants to do after he finishes school and saying that it will become evident why.

I really want to reply to this but it will have to wait. I have an 18 year old autistic son who struggled with suicidality for most of his short life until recently. He was doing the same, gaming, reclusing in his room, for years. So I want to give you the time to go into my approach, but I am getting ready to see my older 30 yr old autistic son, who lives in supported accommodation, right now. It is morning here, on the east coast of Australia.

Tonight, or this afternoon, I will write more.
Sorry you are going through this! I know how harrowing it is!

I am happy to be an ongoing support for you through this. So don't hesitate to write more and share as things develop. I have 7 children, 5 sons, and all of them have had, or do have, significant mental health challenges. We have neuro spicy genes and all the added challenges that go along with that, in a broad spectrum, so I have a lot of experience to draw from; added to that is my mental health peer worker training, so, please, draw on me, and other's on this forum. We want to help.

 

[Aspychata]

This is tough to read. Are his levels of vitamin D good? I recently started it, and had way less depression. Does he get any sunshine? Have you thought about online homeschooling? My daughter couldn't survive the school bells, the other kids.

 

[Fino]

Why does he not want to see a doctor? And what kind of doctor do you mean?

 

[Misty Avich]

I need some help and advice regarding my 14 yr old an. He has been diagnosed with high functioning autism. He has recently been isolating and distancing himself from myself and husband he just sits and plays games and only comes down for his dinner and goes back to his room.

That is actually normal for a 14-year-old.

We try and have conversations and get him to go out but he’s not interested. School have said he has opened up and said that he has no future past school and that his plans will become evident then. He is having his first counseling session with school this week but they have said he needs to see a doctor asap which is easier said than done as he will refuse to see them. Can anyone please help and give some advice as to what we can do

I understand why you are worried about this. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But I understand.