Hi can anyone help me? With this problem

[Jessica01]

I was with my boyfriend for a year and a quarter and I really do love him he’s a bit on the spectrum.I spent the week with him last week and we were fine till Thursday until I got worried about the coronavirus and what that would mean for us. I asked him could I see him still he told me no cause it means me travelling to him. I told him I didn’t mind and wanted to see him I thought he didn’t want to be with me. So in the heat of the moment I looked at him and asked is there any point in us being together. I didn’t realize how hurt he was by this we carried on as normal he told me he loved me was intimate with me still until I left him Saturday and even telling me he’s see me soon. I thought he was off with me when I messaged him Saturday night and asked wether he wanted to be with me something i often ask he said I’m going bed night. I apologised he said it’s fine and he wernt mad at me and that he’s talk later on Sunday. I messaged him in the night and he said he wasn’t happy about what I had said on thursday and that he wasn’t happy thinking i didn’t care or love him when I do I tried explaining got nowhere I asked him where we stand he said I’m going to bed night sleep well. I messaged him Monday morning apologising for what I said on Thursday and he said to me I love you too when I said I love you. So I was happy went about my day and messaged him Monday night this is where it all went wrong he started going on about the Thursday again calling me a liar saying I didn’t love him or care and broke up with me. I didn’t speak on Tuesday yesterday I tried to speak to him and explain to him and it was okay till I said to him I would like a second chance but that’s down to you he said no. Then I thought why was he intimate with me when he didn’t want to be with me so I asked him worst decision ever. I left it for a bit and messaged him a few hours later cause I didn’t think it was right the way we needed it when we’d never argued before I tried to explain to him about Thursday he said that it couldn’t change it and he’d mad his decision but he broke up with me thinking I dint wanna be with him which ain’t true. I said I know your hurt he said good I sent one last message telling how it was my fault he was hurt but that what I said was deeply regretted when it was said and I should of let you make a decision before I kept asking where I stood he read and didn’t reply I don’t know what to do I do want him and I do love him

 

[tree]

What does "a bit on the spectrum" mean?
Does he have a diagnosis?

How long has it actually been since he said anything to you?

It looks as if this is a misunderstanding on the part of both of you.

 

[Jessica01]

He has to wait to be tested but has been told it sounds like he’s high up on the spectrum.

the last conversation was yesterday

and I just want to fix it.

 

[tree]

Asking whether there was any point in being together gave him
the impression that you couldn't tell whether he cared for you
or not, that you expected him to justify the relationship, and
that you weren't finding value in it.

 

[Jessica01]

he held onto this even though we spent two days after it was said with eachother and only told be the day after I left him and then broke up with me over it the night after.

Why would he still think it if I had proven to him in those two days I love him and wanted him.

 

[Jessica01]

I’d there anything I can do to fix the situation

 

[Darwin]

he held onto this even though we spent two days after it was said with eachother and only told be the day after I left him and then broke up with me over it the night after.

Why would he still think it if I had proven to him in those two days I love him and wanted him.

Maybe he is upset about something else? Assuming he is on the spectrum, they tend to be sensitive. Try and ask him, and tell him it was just a misunderstanding.

 

[Jessica01]

I’ve tried to be just says that I still said it so I meant it which isn’t true cause if anything I love him more than everything. I do want to be with him a lot and would do anything to prove it to him and when I said I understand your still angry he said good so he is still upset over it but why’s he holding a grudge

 

[Tom]

Since you already apologized, I would say no, there is not anything else you can do. If he won't accept the apology and move on, that is his problem and you can't fix that.

I'd treat it as his loss, and go on with your own life.

 

[Darwin]

I’ve tried to be just says that I still said it so I meant it which isn’t true cause if anything I love him more than everything. I do want to be with him a lot and would do anything to prove it to him and when I said I understand your still angry he said good so he is still upset over it but why’s he holding a grudge

Well, he should understand that misunderstandings and arguments in relationships are normal.
You know him better than anyone here. Maybe insist on a second chance. I think it’s good that he responds when you message him. It might mean there’s hope.

 

[Varzar]

he held onto this even though we spent two days after it was said with eachother and only told be the day after I left him and then broke up with me over it the night after.

Why would he still think it if I had proven to him in those two days I love him and wanted him.

He may also have Alexithymia.. I often don't know what I'm upset about for days or even weeks later.. And then suddenly, those emotions come to the surface..

I would send him something like, "Hey, I've been working hard to understand my mistake. I'm really sorry for what I said and how I hurt you. It wasn't my intent to question the relationship, I was just frustrated with not being able to see you. I do love you, and would like to try and work this through. But, if this is irreconcilable for you, I will accept your decision."

If he's still insistent that it's over as a result of this.. As Tom says, "his loss.".. It would indicate he's unwilling to accept any misunderstanding in the relationship, and if it's not this, it'll just be something else later..

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes we ask, because being on the spectrum , l don't always read correctly things. I understand you may not be on the spectrum. I think you just want to be honest and upfront. Think you should just explain that if you didn't care, you wouldn't even ask, it's because you do care that you asked for a status update. Sometimes we don't say alot, and the people we care about don't know /really don't know what we feel(sometimes we are just super busy trying to deny how we feel, that can be a whole neurotic exercise in itself.☺) l am personally giving myself a medal for that today. Lol
Can you give it some time- maybe it will straighten out.

 

[Jessica01]

Sometimes we ask, because being on the spectrum , l don't always read correctly things. I understand you may not be on the spectrum. I think you just want to be honest and upfront. Think you should just explain that if you didn't care, you wouldn't even ask, it's because you do care that you asked for a status update. Sometimes we don't say alot, and the people we care about don't know /really don't know what we feel(sometimes we are just super busy trying to deny how we feel, that can be a whole neurotic exercise in itself.☺) l am personally giving myself a medal for that today. Lol
Can you give it some time- maybe it will straighten out.

Do you mean give it time and see wether he comes back to me and Thankyou very much for taking the time to reply to me

 

[Jessica01]

He may also have Alexithymia.. I often don't know what I'm upset about for days or even weeks later.. And then suddenly, those emotions come to the surface..

I would send him something like, "Hey, I've been working hard to understand my mistake. I'm really sorry for what I said and how I hurt you. It wasn't my intent to question the relationship, I was just frustrated with not being able to see you. I do love you, and would like to try and work this through. But, if this is irreconcilable for you, I will accept your decision."

If he's still insistent that it's over as a result of this.. As Tom says, "his loss.".. It would indicate he's unwilling to accept any misunderstanding in the relationship, and if it's not this, it'll just be something else later..

Should I wait before I send this because I don’t wanna look desperate but it’s our first proper fight we never really fought the whole time we were together.

 

[Jessica01]

Well, he should understand that misunderstandings and arguments in relationships are normal.
You know him better than anyone here. Maybe insist on a second chance. I think it’s good that he responds when you message him. It might mean there’s hope.

Do you think I may just have to let him settle I know he takes a while to forgive me and I think I messaged him a bit to soon yesterday.

 

[Jessica01]

Since you already apologized, I would say no, there is not anything else you can do. If he won't accept the apology and move on, that is his problem and you can't fix that.

I'd treat it as his loss, and go on with your own life.

I would do that but I can’t stop getting upset over him because he was a big part of my life we’d see eachother at least 5 times a week cause where in uni together and I feel it may be hard seeing him when I go back to uni.

 

[Varzar]

Should I wait before I send this because I don’t wanna look desperate but it’s our first proper fight we never really fought the whole time we were together.

It's really hard to know that without knowing him more.. How rational is he normally? You're quite young, so I assume he is of similar age.. How mature is he in general? Does he act like people his age, or more like older people?
Also, how old is the relationship?

Since you said the last conversation was yesterday, I'd probably consider giving it until later today or tomorrow (24-48 hours kind of thing), for him to maybe cool off and hopefully get into a more rational state of mind again..

But, it kind of depends a lot on him too.. I can't say how he thinks.. But I can tell you how I think..
If it were me, leaving it for longer would only reinforce in my mind that you don't care.. Responding sooner would be more convincing to me that you do care, and I wouldn't consider it an act of desperation. Caring =/= desperation in my mind..
If I'm still upset about it, I may not respond until I felt I could do so in a more rational way..

But that's all just me.. It's really going to come down to how he thinks, which I have no way of knowing.. I'm sorry I can't be more concrete..

 

[Jessica01]

It's really hard to know that without knowing him more.. How rational is he normally? You're quite young, so I assume he is of similar age.. How mature is he in general? Does he act like people his age, or more like older people?
Also, how old is the relationship?

Since you said the last conversation was yesterday, I'd probably consider giving it until later today or tomorrow (24-48 hours kind of thing), for him to maybe cool off and hopefully get into a more rational state of mind again..

But, it kind of depends a lot on him too.. I can't say how he thinks.. But I can tell you how I think..
If it were me, leaving it for longer would only reinforce in my mind that you don't care.. Responding sooner would be more convincing to me that you do care, and I wouldn't consider it an act of desperation. Caring =/= desperation in my mind..
If I'm still upset about it, I may not respond until I felt I could do so in a more rational way..

But that's all just me.. It's really going to come down to how he thinks, which I have no way of knowing.. I'm sorry I can't be more concrete..

We’re the similar age and he holds a grudge for a while tbh I thought he wa quite mature but when he’s mad it takes a while to sort it out with him we don’t really argue we’ve only ever bicared a little bit and I’ve been with him a year and 3 months I don’t wanna seem to pushy and desperate that’s the only problem I love him so much that’s why it’s hurt me he thinks I don’t when I do I’d honestly got to the moon and back for the boy

 

[Varzar]

We’re the similar age and he holds a grudge for a while tbh I thought he wa quite mature but when he’s mad it takes a while to sort it out with him we don’t really argue we’ve only ever bicared a little bit and I’ve been with him a year and 3 months I don’t wanna seem to pushy and desperate that’s the only problem I love him so much that’s why it’s hurt me he thinks I don’t when I do I’d honestly got to the moon and back for the boy

ok. So, holding a grudge might be something that makes you consider waiting a little longer to follow up with him.. That trait likely comes from a history of unsuccessful social relationships, where the slightest infraction causes him to go full angry/unforgiving mode on the other person.. It's not really healthy, and if he doesn't work on that, it's going to be a rough road ahead for him, and for the two of you...

 

[Jessica01]

ok. So, holding a grudge might be something that makes you consider waiting a little longer to follow up with him.. That trait likely comes from a history of unsuccessful social relationships, where the slightest infraction causes him to go full angry/unforgiving mode on the other person.. It's not really healthy, and if he doesn't work on that, it's going to be a rough road ahead for him, and for the two of you...

I do want to try and make it up to him and will be waiting for him but that’s where I’m scared of being hurt.