I was told to come here by a suicide prevention line operator. I hate my autism, I feel like it's ruined my childhood and will ruin my life. I don't want to have so much social anxiety or be called weird anymore. My posts are always ignored on forums but I hope someone sees this and feels what I feel. I just wish I was normal.
Welcome to the forums.
I am sorry to hear you felt so despairing you rang a suicide hotline, but hey, they directed you here, life works for us when we help ourselves, you rang the helpline rather than harming yourself, they sent you here, and now you are in a place full of others where you can talk about your challenges and be among people who may have shared your experiences and you hopefully will get a lot out of being here.
Autism is a blessing.
I hated "That weird thing" that I had as a child, not knowing it was Asperger's.
It meant I was a brainy geek who could only do art when I wanted to be good at sport, but wasn't.
It meant I annoyed others as I rejected my gifts and talents and chose to see myself as a victim, so, guess what, others victimised me.
I unknowingly masked these traits that no one else seemed to have, which caused identify disturbance and may well have contributed to my Borderline Personality.
Not to mention depression, suicidality, substance misuse, wanting to fit in with mediocre normals, and self harm.
Wendy Weirdo was the name my Dad called me, not his fault, he didn't know what to make of me. I could have laughed it off, and chucked some funny names in his direction, instead I chose the victim role.
Poor co-ordination meant I was a late walker falling down a lot.
I was also an early reader, and artistic, intelligent (mother saw me as gifted)
Poor late Dad had such mental distress he could not be outshone by a small girl so he homed in on my shortcomings and I placed this above my gifts and talents and gave them up in favour of "being good at sport" something I just wasn't meant to do.
Self rejection, is the cruellest thing we can do to ourselves.
When we realise we don't actually have to talk to fill in gaps, to fit in, something I am learning now, social anxiety falls away, and we notice others around us who are not autistic also suffer anxiety too.
Please keep posting on the forums, you have undiscovered gifts and talents.
I rediscovered mine, dropped the fitting in bit, the good at sport bit and accepted my weirdness. It's so much easier, no pretending, that was hard work, people like those who accept themselves. They sense self rejection and react negatively to it.
A big warm welcome from me.
