Hi I was curious and want to learn

[SPark1337]

Hello y’all,

I was infatuated with a lady that maybe has Asperger or high function autistic traits. I blew it and I’m trying to better understand so if there is a next time, I won’t make same mistake twice. Of course everyone is different and individual but wanted to get y’all’s perspective.

Well she never told me she was, but my friend with an ‘aspie’ son was quick to point out that she is probably high functioning. I just never knew/met someone with these traits and oh boy I fell for her hard. 2nd time in my life I felt this way (I’m in my 30s, 1st was first love in early 20s lol).

She is highly organized, follows schedules, bad hand eye coordination, takes a while to respond messages (with perfect grammar), very type-A personality, do not like when random people visit, works from home, works out at home, she’s happy alone but best friend is making her go on dates, writes in cursive, previous relationships she always supportive but when it’s her to be supported, she was told that she’s too much, and when she talks about a topic, she goes all out; thought maybe she has ADHD - cute regardless

I could be wrong but no way in hell I am going to ask, nor it matters regards to how I feel about her. Well I can’t at this point so doesn’t matter. Sorry for long post lol

 

[Judge]

At least you're wise enough to handle such a situation with extreme tact. Self-realization is likely the best way for one to get in touch with their autism if they have been totally unaware of who and what they may actually be in a neurological sense. Making an "intervention" of sorts to tell a person you think they might be autistic can be a very precarious thing to consider.

What really intrigues me is that you are infatuated with this person, yet don't seem to be fazed by her potential traits and behaviors. The sort that can turn off a great many people.

We aren't the easiest persons to coexist with. And many in our ranks consider it a curse of sorts in having to deal with an overwhelmingly neurotypical world. Let's just say that while I suspect your curiosity is on the right track, you may encounter a great deal of hostility in even hinting to them that they may be autistic. And at the same time, attempting a better relationship with them while remaining silent about it all can be quite taxing.

I didn't figure most of it out until I was 55 years old after going through much denial. And at the age of 49 while I didn't really know who- and what I was, I still came to the conclusion that establishing an intimate or meaningful relationship with NT women was not a good idea. Not after five failed relationships.

In essence, are you sure you even want to go down this road ? Keeping in mind that knowing our traits and behaviors isn't quite the same as having to coexist with them.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

It would be difficult to respond here. You say you blew it, but in what way?

 

[SPark1337]

Could I write the whole story on here? lol my curse is that my ability to read social cues and reading people is very sharp. I worked in government for a bit where a lobbyist taught me some things, I used to own a car lot and did some government contracts (ton of wine and dine key people) and now in real estate. I correctly guessed what she studied in school based on conversations we had for few days on the app. My entire career was based on reading people, understanding others. Her direct honesty and oversharing and mostly importantly, I felt she was being authentic.

Aaaand that was also my downfall. First date over dinner, knowing she *maybe* aspie, I behaved differently then I should have, didn't initiate physical touch, let her talk about whatever she topic wanted to talk about, she told me quite a bit like what her parents did for work and what they do now, her best friend, what she did, etc etc,. I learned a lot about her. I didn't make her laugh or whatnot, as a guy, that's on me. Hell, I should just write it on here how it went, and maybe y'all can tell me lol. Me doing all this is probably my emotional side of the brain looking for answers, while my logical side is 'she ain't interested, onto the next'. Normally I'd just forget and move on within few days, but for some reason she left a hell of an impression on me.

Looks wise my friends think she's cute but not like supermodel or anything. But she probably don't have problem having guys ask her out. Regardless, to me, she is 10/10. Her straight forwardness, she likes to fish, educated, go-getter ambitious, and of course I don't know her fully as this was not a long encounter by any means, but as y'all can tell, she definitely left an impression on me.

 

[1ForAll]

At least you're wise enough to handle such a situation with extreme tact. Self-realization is likely the best way for one to get in touch with their autism if they have been totally unaware of who and what they may actually be in a neurological sense.

What really intrigues me is that you are infatuated with this person, yet don't seem to be fazed by her potential traits and behaviors. The sort that can turn off a great many people.

We aren't the easiest persons to coexist with. And many in our ranks consider it a curse of sorts in having to deal with an overwhelmingly neurotypical world. Let's just say that while I suspect your curiosity is on the right track, you may encounter a great deal of hostility in even hinting to them that they may be autistic. And at the same time, attempting a better relationship with them while remaining silent about it all can be quite taxing.

I didn't figure most of it out until I was 55 years old. And at the age of 49 while I didn't really know who- and what I was, I still came to the conclusion that establishing an intimate or meaningful relationship with NT women was not a good idea. Not after five failed relationships.

In essence, are you sure you even want to go down this road ? Keeping in mind that knowing our traits and behaviors isn't quite the same as having to coexist with them.

Agree with this. In my opinion, an NT relationship with an Autistic or ND one is far more apt to fail than succeed over time. Had I (likely OCD and Social Anxiety just appearing like Autism) not had strong empathy, much stress tolerance, selflessness, and typical or greater abilities to adapt than many, and had I not had just very few needs myself, this relationship with my ADHD (and likely Autistic) wife of almost twenty years would have likely ended early on.

Truth is, I, as likely as not having Autism, could have likely been much happier with an NT partner, unless that ND had one or more of the same strong interests as I and/or was about as functional. My wife does not share my interests in music, math, helping others, psychology, analytical writing, sports, politics, news, family, growth and human development, and her needs are far too many and ability to adapt and reason well far too absent. I have shown interests in her interests though.

There are many strong points my wife has, or I would have bolted regardless, but her and I are too different. We share lots of complimentary traits, and that is partly why we are together, but still I feel like a part of me is going through the caregiver motions here, with me forced to do things daily and repetitively that I rather not do because of her needed ways to do many things only certain ways to prevent meltdowns, and I feel my skills, hopes and dreams are taking back seat, feeling I could be more myself and do much more in life had I chose another path. And yet I do not dwell on things, as her, the kids and I have had many great times, are making plans now best for each other and the children, not just what is best for one in this situation, which usually was prior in our case.

So yeah, any early infatuation, newness and excitement can turn to annoyance, hopelessness, and regret later, if the two are either too different in one or more of the needed same ways, or if one of the two is getting into the relationship for wrong reasons or assuming things. Just as many women would not find happiness with a guy that mainly had much dysfunction or that had many daily needs from her and who could not fullfil many of hers, many guys these days can want at least equal efforts, compatibility, functioning and giving, or else he starts to lose interest and dream of a different life free from drama, any irrationality, irresponsibility or rigidity, and from any more perceived more taking than giving and selfishness.

Things that seem cute in the beginning thus could turn out to seem more ugly and aggravating as things proceed or at the end, and new things will be learned that are big turn offs or differences too as such relationships unfold. As in most relationships, one will then weigh the positives versus negatives, the joys and the risks, to determine what to do. I just think most couples assume things too early or expect what they think and feel in the beginning will be a predictor of things later, but that is not true, as whereas some can compromise or change, others later cannot or will not, or as some will mask earlier flaws or limitations, while others may shown themselves clear, yet some others may show more abilities only as they feel comfort, accepted or appreciated.

 

[SPark1337]

Alright here it is, here's to spill it all out, get it out my system and move on. Y'alls quality of being honest and direct is one of the best qualities ever. If, in aspies perspective, I did something wrong, plz point it out.

She’s in early 30s, and same as I. Met on Hinge app, she did not tell me she was high functioning aspie, but I explained reasoning above.

We only talked through the app. After sharing what each other is looking for, she said I sound too good to be true. After while I gave my full name, phone number. Asked her if she had allergies and such (this is important later). We agreed on the day and time. She got there 10 min early, and we talked – mostly her, she talked about whole range of topics quite passionately (80% her and 20% me). I should’ve flirted and do more physical touch, but I didn’t want to cross the physical boundary. She told me that I was polite and respectful, and her best friend thought that too – and that all my messages was shared to her best friend. Her best friend is making her go on at least 5 dates by February. Also she doesn’t like sharing her phone number or let the guy pick her up until later date 4 or so, and told me not to take it personally. Somewhere she said she move ‘glacially slow’ in relationships. Dinner lasted 2 hours, when the check came, she offered to pay half, which there’s no way in hell I am going to let her pay anything. For next time I asked what restaurant would she like to try, but she said she wants to do activates next time, and also she has bad hand-eye coordination.

Afterwards I walked to her car. She gave me a hug, and when she got to her to start – her car didn’t start. 2nd time, it started right up. Told her to let me know when she got home. Hour later I asked(though app) if she got home. She said she did and that was it.

Next day, Friday, told her that her car issue is probably due to wire corrosion or starter. I know how to fix cars so I offered to change the starter if she bought the part - if she felt comfortable. She said that was very kind, but she already got the mechanic scheduled and thanked me for info.

Saturday, told her I’d like to take her to the museum or painting with wine kind of place. Also, I asked what pacing glacially slow meant for her so I could respect her boundaries. No response all day.

Sunday evening, at this point I dated enough, I know what’s up, but what the hell. Changed my profile pics and got ready for ‘the text’. I told her maybe at Barnes and Nobles, and if she’s not interested, that’s OK too since it takes two to tango (she used to ballroom dance). Asked if glacially slow means if no response for few days. Regardless, thanked her for changing her routine to meet with me for dinner.

Monday: She said she had to think over the weekend as she had great conversations and such, I was the nicest person she met on the app, how awesome I am etc etc, but she did not feel enough chemistry to warrant dating further. She apologized and wish me the best. I thanked her for her honesty, told her to not be sorry, and it was nice meeting her and wished her the best. She unmatched me soon after.

Too good to be true to respectful and get approved by her best friend to awesome, figuring out 2nd date activity, nicest person she met to no chemistry, done bam. Weirdly enough though I find her direct honesty charming. She has my info maybe she'll contact me one day, maybe not. Regardless, I learned about high functioning autism and traits.

 

[SPark1337]

Agree with this. In my opinion, an NT relationship with an Autistic or ND one is far more apt to fail than succeed over time. Had I (likely OCD and Social Anxiety just appearing like Autism) not had strong empathy, much stress tolerance, selflessness, and typical or greater abilities to adapt than many, and had I not had just very few needs myself, this relationship with my ADHD (and likely Autistic) wife of almost twenty years would have likely ended early on.

Truth is, I, as likely as not having Autism, could have likely been much happier with an NT partner, unless that ND had one or more of the same strong interests as I and/or was about as functional. My wife does not share my interests in music, math, helping others, psychology, analytical writing, sports, politics, news, family, growth and human development, and her needs are far too many and ability to adapt and reason well far too absent. I have shown interests in her interests though.

There are many strong points my wife has, or I would have bolted regardless, but her and I are too different. We share lots of complimentary traits, and that is partly why we are together, but still I feel like a part of me is going through the caregiver motions here, with me forced to do things daily and repetitively that I rather not do because of her needed ways to do many things only certain ways to prevent meltdowns, and I feel my skills, hopes and dreams are taking back seat, feeling I could be more myself and do much more in life had I chose another path. And yet I do not dwell on things, as her, the kids and I have had many great times, are making plans now best for each other and the children, not just what is best for one in this situation, which usually was prior in our case.

So yeah, any early infatuation, newness and excitement can turn to annoyance, hopelessness, and regret later, if the two are either too different in one or more of the needed same ways, or if one of the two is getting into the relationship for wrong reasons or assuming things. Just as many women would not find happiness with a guy that mainly had much dysfunction or that had many daily needs from her and who could not fullfil many of hers, many guys these days can want at least equal efforts, compatibility, functioning and giving, or else he starts to lose interest and dream of a different life free from drama, any irrationality, irresponsibility or rigidity, and from any more perceived more taking than giving and selfishness.

Things that seem cute in the beginning thus could turn out to seem more ugly and aggravating as things proceed or at the end, and new things will be learned that are big turn offs or differences too as such relationships unfold. As in most relationships, one will then weigh the positives versus negatives, the joys and the risks, to determine what to do. I just think most couples assume things too early or expect what they think and feel in the beginning will be a predictor of things later, but that is not true, as whereas some can compromise or change, others later cannot or will not, or as some will mask earlier flaws or limitations, while others may shown themselves clear, yet some others may show more abilities only as they feel comfort, accepted or appreciated.

I 100% agree with what you said. I just hate how I am feeling this way with just 'her'. Probably my ego and emotions overriding my logical side.

 

[1ForAll]

I 100% agree with what you said. I just hate how I am feeling this way with just 'her'. Probably my ego and emotions overriding my logical side.

I just think if anything you could have been too nice in ways in her eyes. It sounded like you were being just your kind self, wanting to learn and help more, and to do the respectful and right dating things, as that is what it sounds like who you are and what you believe in. But, for whatever reason, she thought not enough was there, or she worried some questions, comments or actions could put too much pressure on her. If we must be perfect, or different than we are, for things to progress, the match is really not there for you too.

The fact she complimented you would be an ego boost, as many guys do not get those often, but I felt she may not have been totally upfront to you, or else she could have told you generally at least why the chemistry was not there, what you were doing wrong or what she wanted more of instead, if she did not do this, so as you could learn from that to see if that issue was misunderstood or could be corrected. It does take two to communicate, so who knows what she thought of those talks and of your decisions and actions if she did not express those specifics and other details to you, or more fully. Women often want guys to be totally forthcoming and true to who they are, but allowing themselves to mask and to speak half truths or to hold many things back, as this gives them some control or prevents more vulnerability for them.

Perhaps she held back some to not hurt your feelings, as she sounded nice in ways too, but perhaps she did not want to directly say what she wanted, feared, needed instead, or disliked because she though she could have been seen in a worse light by you. Regardless, if your polite and very reasonable or more typical or proper dating behavior partly detailed things, just imagine if she or you were under stress how worse things could have ended. That did not sound like a recipe for any longer term relationship with each other, when things seemed to go well but one called it soon quits.

Maybe she wanted a less considerate guy, or someone more giving her space. Maybe she wanted to just date several, one by one, to just get more experience and to learn more who she is, how she feels, and what she wants, or what she can handle or need. You took charge in ways, tried a variety of activities, seemed thoughtful, and genuinely seemed interested in her and her feelings. Although many women may want or appreciate that care and attention, many more may want something else, undisclosed. If she has Autism, many sensory issues may be involved, and many things she may just have wanted to have done certain ways, timing, frequency and pace. And many with Autism can need space to process feelings or wind down, like if too much interactions or emotions become involved.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Alright here it is, here's to spill it all out, get it out my system and move on. Y'alls quality of being honest and direct is one of the best qualities ever. If, in aspies perspective, I did something wrong, plz point it out.

She’s in early 30s, and same as I. Met on Hinge app, she did not tell me she was high functioning aspie, but I explained reasoning above.

We only talked through the app. After sharing what each other is looking for, she said I sound too good to be true. After while I gave my full name, phone number. Asked her if she had allergies and such (this is important later). We agreed on the day and time. She got there 10 min early, and we talked – mostly her, she talked about whole range of topics quite passionately (80% her and 20% me). I should’ve flirted and do more physical touch, but I didn’t want to cross the physical boundary. She told me that I was polite and respectful, and her best friend thought that too – and that all my messages was shared to her best friend. Her best friend is making her go on at least 5 dates by February. Also she doesn’t like sharing her phone number or let the guy pick her up until later date 4 or so, and told me not to take it personally. Somewhere she said she move ‘glacially slow’ in relationships. Dinner lasted 2 hours, when the check came, she offered to pay half, which there’s no way in hell I am going to let her pay anything. For next time I asked what restaurant would she like to try, but she said she wants to do activates next time, and also she has bad hand-eye coordination.

Afterwards I walked to her car. She gave me a hug, and when she got to her to start – her car didn’t start. 2nd time, it started right up. Told her to let me know when she got home. Hour later I asked(though app) if she got home. She said she did and that was it.

Next day, Friday, told her that her car issue is probably due to wire corrosion or starter. I know how to fix cars so I offered to change the starter if she bought the part - if she felt comfortable. She said that was very kind, but she already got the mechanic scheduled and thanked me for info.

Saturday, told her I’d like to take her to the museum or painting with wine kind of place. Also, I asked what pacing glacially slow meant for her so I could respect her boundaries. No response all day.

Sunday evening, at this point I dated enough, I know what’s up, but what the hell. Changed my profile pics and got ready for ‘the text’. I told her maybe at Barnes and Nobles, and if she’s not interested, that’s OK too since it takes two to tango (she used to ballroom dance). Asked if glacially slow means if no response for few days. Regardless, thanked her for changing her routine to meet with me for dinner.

Monday: She said she had to think over the weekend as she had great conversations and such, I was the nicest person she met on the app, how awesome I am etc etc, but she did not feel enough chemistry to warrant dating further. She apologized and wish me the best. I thanked her for her honesty, told her to not be sorry, and it was nice meeting her and wished her the best. She unmatched me soon after.

Too good to be true to respectful and get approved by her best friend to awesome, figuring out 2nd date activity, nicest person she met to no chemistry, done bam. Weirdly enough though I find her direct honesty charming. She has my info maybe she'll contact me one day, maybe not. Regardless, I learned about high functioning autism and traits.

I don’t have an answer for you, but just a few general comments.

We tend to be honest in our communications.

Not pushing on the physical contact was probably good. It’s probably why you got a hug at the end of the evening.

Glacially slow, means just that, glacially. You probably contacted her too frequently. And perhaps your behavior was a little too eager for her. (Others may appreciate both.)

It sounds like her dating is sort of under pressure from her friend. Many of us socialize only reluctantly. So no matter how wonderful you are, she may not really want to date anyone.