Hi I'm Alan..thank you all for welcoming me to this Autism forum

[alyeg]

I have a grandson on level 3 on the autism spectrum. He is 7 and nonverbal. He cannot make eye contact most of the time. He spins around most of the time and twists his wrists and fingers and twists his jaw. He wants to be loved, however i can only hug him for a second before he jerks himself away. Any help on how i can communicate with him and help him would really be most welcome

 

[Outdated]

Hi and welcome, there's a few other parents on here that might be able to give you some advice, and we also have a section on parenting, perhaps you could find some useful information in there too.

https://www.autismforums.com/forums/parenting-autism-discussions.50/

 

[TBRS1]

Howdy Alyeg!

Someday, your grandson may well thank you for having the wisdom to come to a place like this, and talk to people who can tell you about their own experiences (either as an A, or as a caregiver for an A child).

 

[tree]

 

[betazoid]

Hello and welcome.

Let him guide you, if possible. If he only lets you hug him for a second before jerking away, maybe he doesn't want to be hugged at all, or maybe that quick second of a hug is all he wants. Whether he wants hugs or not is completely normal and healthy either way, so please don't try to force him to hug more than he wants. I'm sure you'd love to have more physical affection with your grandchild, but if you think he doesn't really feel comfortable with hugs at all, do not hug him. It will make things worse for him, not better. Let him be who he is, don't try to mold him into what you think he should be.

 

[Alexej]

HI @alyeg

Welcome to the Forums

 

[Kisa the tea]

Hello and welcome to the forum, Alan! I hope you enjoy it here!

 

[All-Rounder]

Hugs can sometimes be very uncomfortable mentally especially without a connection for me personally. Other people are different. some people can have high sensory enhancement to the point it hurts to be touched.

 

[Forest Cat]

Hello

 

[All-Rounder]

Different people might perceive love and intimacy differently. The ways humans receive intimacy and closeness:

-time spent together
-shared activity
-interesting discussions
-physical affection
-mirroring, reciprocity
-emotionally connecting, support

It depends how someone can receive love more effectively, it's not the same for all people. it is not always the right time for affection, activity, time spent together etc.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome. It’s nice that you are reaching out, trying to better connect with your grandson.

In addition to the good advice above, I want to share a few ideas.

Hugs can be overwhelming. Even when they are nice, for me, they just overload my senses and my anxiety. Hugs are not a good way for me to show and receive affection. As a seven-year-old, it is important for children to feel a loving hug, so it’s good that you try to hug for as long as he can tolerate.

Please have faith that even if your grandson does not express himself with language that he can still take in a lot from hearing you speak to him. The things that you say, the way that you say them, and your willingness to connect and communicate is so important and I am sure it is being received, even if that is not always evident.

As much as you can, I would say to focus on activities. Find things that your grandson enjoys doing physically. Whatever both of you can tolerate in terms of playing games, going interesting places together, creating or building things, or possibly something like art or music.

For me, and several others that I’ve spoken to here, there is great value put on simply being together with another person without much pressure to interact in a specific way. Sitting quietly with someone that I trust is the best thing in the world.

Your presence is important to your grandson. Even if he is not looking at you, seems disinterested, or is not giving usual signals of connection, that does not mean your presence is not noticeable and important.

 

[All-Rounder]

Children might have aversion to hugs, it is particularly common for adults to want children to hug people for different reasons, but children have their own autonomy and do not feel comfortable with hugging strangers or other people that are not their mother or father, and that they cannot connect with. It is believed to not be the best thing to make children hug others.

 

[All-Rounder]

"He spins around most of the time and twists his wrists and fingers and twists his jaw." - autistc people can be under a lot of stress, esecially in situations that involve people and they tend to have sensitivities with smell, hearing, light, etc. These things he is doing are stims, he is doing them as a mechanism of coping with life as an autistic and they relieve his stress

 

[VictorR]

Welcome.

For me, and several others that I’ve spoken to here, there is great value put on simply being together with another person without much pressure to interact in a specific way. Sitting quietly with someone that I trust is the best thing in the world.

 

[Aspychata]

Welcome. It's great you are taking time to understand him. Maybe see if he likes high five, you slap hands, and you can shout high five.

 

[Nitro]