Hi, I'm new and I'm nt and need advice about my partner

[Ally]

hi,
I am a nt dating a guy with high functioning autism and adhd.
We have been together for over a year now. He has been living with me since December (about 4 months).
He is an amazing human being and I feel like I have grown a lot from being with him.
My main concern, which is something reoccurring is that he isn't very interested in intimacy with me.
We do have sex, maybe once or twice a month, but I really struggle with it because it makes me feel insecure.
I have read some stuff online and I understand that it is different for people on the autism spectrum but I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do because it is affecting me mentally and emotionally.
I want to stay together but I don't know how to navigate this situation.
When I bring it up we fight and get to the point where he says, maybe I'm not enough and the only solution put forth is breaking up or me just dealing with it and being content with how it is.
I know I can't change him it's just really hard when it feels like the person I love doesn't find me attractive or want to physically be with me. It makes me feel bad to bring it up with him because then it makes him scared I will leave and we don't ever know where to go from there.
If anyone could offer advice or talk to me about it I would really appreciate it.

 

[Rayner]

hi,
I am a nt dating a guy with high functioning autism and adhd.
We have been together for over a year now. He has been living with me since December (about 4 months).
He is an amazing human being and I feel like I have grown a lot from being with him.
My main concern, which is something reoccurring is that he isn't very interested in intimacy with me.
We do have sex, maybe once or twice a month, but I really struggle with it because it makes me feel insecure.
I have read some stuff online and I understand that it is different for people on the autism spectrum but I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do because it is affecting me mentally and emotionally.
I want to stay together but I don't know how to navigate this situation.
When I bring it up we fight and get to the point where he says, maybe I'm not enough and the only solution put forth is breaking up or me just dealing with it and being content with how it is.
I know I can't change him it's just really hard when it feels like the person I love doesn't find me attractive or want to physically be with me. It makes me feel bad to bring it up with him because then it makes him scared I will leave and we don't ever know where to go from there.
If anyone could offer advice or talk to me about it I would really appreciate it.

I'm autistic so maybe I could help out a bit. Let me get this straight, you feel insecure because your boyfriend isn't very interested in being intimate with you very often is that correct?

 

[Ally]

I'm autistic so maybe I could help out a bit. Let me get this straight, you feel insecure because your boyfriend isn't very interested in being intimate with you very often is that correct?

Hi, thanks for responding.
Speaking to someone with autism is probably going to be the most help outside my current situation.
Yes that is correct.
I know it's a part of his condition but I can't help but feel insecure about it and I just hoped someone has ideas or advice on how I can navigate the situation.

 

[Rayner]

Hi, thanks for responding.
Speaking to someone with autism is probably going to be the most help outside my current situation.
Yes that is correct.
I know it's a part of his condition but I can't help but feel insecure about it and I just hoped someone has ideas or advice on how I can navigate the situation.

Maybe you talk to boyfriend about the situation and about why it makes you feel insecure. Personally I have don't have much of an interest in the physical aspects of being intimate with someone. Now that doesn't mean I wouldn't love the women I'm in a relationship with any less all it means is that my need for physical intimacy is the lower than the other person's.

It sounds like to me your confidence in yourself comes from knowing your boyfriend is physically attractived too you. Because of Your situation with the lack of intimacy in your relationship that is making you feel unattractive or like your not beautiful in his eyes. I can tell that your genuinely love and care for your boyfriend. My question to you is what other ways could your boyfriend make you feel beautiful, besides physical intimacy? Like I said in the first paragraph simply because his need for intimacy is lower than your's doesn't mean he loves you any less.

It does seem to me that you have an issue with self confidence or really the lack there of, that's separate from you boyfriend i know your boyfriend wants to be with you, especially if he is scared of the possibility of you leaving him. Does all of that make sense? I hope I could help please feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately. Your boyfriend is lucky to have a girlfriend as great as you are, remember that.

Honestly I've never been in a relationship before, I'm 17 year old guy. I'm not sure how helpful I am, I'm just doing the best I can.

 

[Myway]

Welcome to AC. I have Aspergers Syndrome and love it when people like you come here to talk and ask questions. I hope you find answers here and enjoy yourself in the process. Have fun and good luck.

 

[Suzanne]

My husband has complained about this with me and says: why do you never initiate intimacy with me?

He used to complain that I never touch him and so, I tried to make an effort, but it was like such an effort to touch him and the reason is because I do not feel sensations when I touch another human being. I find my husband to be a very good looking and he can well, turn me on, but when it comes to actual physical intimacy, it doesn't do it for me at all!

At first, I thought it may be related to molestation as a child, but my two sisters were abused and know that one of them is very into sexual things. I now realise it is to do with me having aspergers.

I can feel intense emotion; it just happens to be with looking, rather than feeling.

Like your boyfriend, I used to feel pressured by my husband and so, reacted sharply etc. I make an effort now to touch him, but I admit, I tend to feed off him. Like him may say: you know, if you want to touch me, you can and so I touch him.

 

[Tom]

Sounds like a mismatch in an area key to you. If you can't sort out between you, counseling is my only suggestion.

Whether its due to autism or some other reason (or a combination) is not very important. What matters is if he is willing to make some changes for your happiness (and vice versa). People don't usually 'just change' without significant effort. Without that effort I would not expect any improvement.

P.S.
I'm Aspie married to NT (30 years). I have had to make many incremental changes for benefit of the relationship. Slow gradual changes are easier then big ones all at once. Patience is helpful. Be encouraging as long as there is progress.

 

[Ally]

Welcome to AC. I have Aspergers Syndrome and love it when people like you come here to talk and ask questions. I hope you find answers here and enjoy yourself in the process. Have fun and good luck.

Hi, thank you for the kind words.
I want to learn more and grow from the experience rather than running away because it's too "hard." Or "different"
My partner is amazing because of all his differences and I hope I can be patient and understanding of him and also learn to deal with my own issues in a healthy manner.

 

[Ally]

Sounds like a mismatch in an area key to you. If you can't sort out between you, counseling is my only suggestion.

Whether its due to autism or some other reason (or a combination) is not very important. What matters is if he is willing to make some changes for your happiness (and vice versa). People don't usually 'just change' without significant effort. Without that effort I would not expect any improvement.

P.S.
I'm Aspie married to NT (30 years). I have had to make many incremental changes for benefit of the relationship. Slow gradual changes are easier then big ones all at once. Patience is helpful. Be encouraging as long as there is progress.

Hi Tom, thanks for the message.
I think we (my partner and I) make a great team and this aspect is not something that has affected me in the past so I definitely surprised myself.
In every other way we are solid and he is my best friend (we also live together).

We are trying to sort it out between us with different strategies... Especially for me being verbal about how I feel.. I sometimes forget he does not notice my subtle cues and he is going to try and be more responsive to my needs.
But I know I also have to deal with the issue for myself and recognise why it makes me feel that way.

Thank you for the advice.. Patience is definitely a big one and just constantly communicating as well.

 

[Ally]

Maybe you talk to boyfriend about the situation and about why it makes you feel insecure. Personally I have don't have much of an interest in the physical aspects of being intimate with someone. Now that doesn't mean I wouldn't love the women I'm in a relationship with any less all it means is that my need for physical intimacy is the lower than the other person's.

It sounds like to me your confidence in yourself comes from knowing your boyfriend is physically attractived too you. Because of Your situation with the lack of intimacy in your relationship that is making you feel unattractive or like your not beautiful in his eyes. I can tell that your genuinely love and care for your boyfriend. My question to you is what other ways could your boyfriend make you feel beautiful, besides physical intimacy? Like I said in the first paragraph simply because his need for intimacy is lower than your's doesn't mean he loves you any less.

It does seem to me that you have an issue with self confidence or really the lack there of, that's separate from you boyfriend i know your boyfriend wants to be with you, especially if he is scared of the possibility of you leaving him. Does all of that make sense? I hope I could help please feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately. Your boyfriend is lucky to have a girlfriend as great as you are, remember that.

Honestly I've never been in a relationship before, I'm 17 year old guy. I'm not sure how helpful I am, I'm just doing the best I can.

Hi Rayner,

Thank you for your response.
You are very wise and you are very right!

I do talk to my partner about it but it is hard because I know it makes him feel bad and he can get defensive which creates distance.
We are trying different things on each side to try and make it better.
It's not that he doesn't want to touch me because when we do it, it's amazing, it's just not a focus on his mind like it can be for me. But I am also learning that I need to be very verbal about how I feel and what I want and he will be more responsive.

And that is a good question you asked about other ways of feeling that way from him. I don't have an answer for myself but you have given me lots to think about.

I need to work out why I am feeling insecure in the first place and confront that issue for myself.
I guess I have never been a typical girl (pretty, long hair, i don't dress girly etc) so sometimes people's comments can make it hard to feel beautiful.
And my partner (naturally) is very honest, sometimes a little too much and that can feed into how I feel about myself.
I guess I need to focus energy on myself and I have to be the one to make myself feel good and confident.

I was going to private message you but I am not sure how (technology isn't my closest friend) haha

Thank you again for your response. It was very wise and I can't believe you are only 17. You are very intellegant and intuitively knowing what you do, you will be able to go into a relationship (if you ever want one) with this knowledge that will really help you if there's ever any issues.
I also appreciate your kind works and will remember these things x

 

[Ally]

My husband has complained about this with me and says: why do you never initiate intimacy with me?

He used to complain that I never touch him and so, I tried to make an effort, but it was like such an effort to touch him and the reason is because I do not feel sensations when I touch another human being. I find my husband to be a very good looking and he can well, turn me on, but when it comes to actual physical intimacy, it doesn't do it for me at all!

At first, I thought it may be related to molestation as a child, but my two sisters were abused and know that one of them is very into sexual things. I now realise it is to do with me having aspergers.

I can feel intense emotion; it just happens to be with looking, rather than feeling.

Like your boyfriend, I used to feel pressured by my husband and so, reacted sharply etc. I make an effort now to touch him, but I admit, I tend to feed off him. Like him may say: you know, if you want to touch me, you can and so I touch him.

Hi Suzanne,

Thank you for your open message.
I don't want my partner to feel pressured because I feel that makes more distance between us.
I am trying to be more verbal and he aggreed he will try and be more responsive to my needs.
When we are together physically it is really great and I know he really enjoys it too.
It's just not the same focus in our mind.
I am trying to understand these things about him but sometimes it is hard for me.. As I am sure it is for him (most likely more so)
Which is why I am here so I could connect with others that do understand that part of my partner so I can try and be more empathetic and understanding to him in the future.

My partner says that too- if you want to hug me just hug me. But sometimes it's hard feeling like he doesn't want me too. But we are working through it too find a balance and I know I definitely need to be more verbal with him too.

Thank you for writing to me

 

[camerartus]

I also am not on the spectrum. Even in NT to NT relationships, there is usually one that wants it more than the other. Both parties have to compromise on that. You also may have a different emotional language from one another, a counselor/therapist that has expertise with people on the spectrum is the best bet. He needs to better understand your NT world and you, his Aspie world. There's a book that was suggested here called LOOK ME IN THE EYE by John Elder Robinson (an aspie). You can get it on Amazon. I bought it but am currently reading another recommendation, 'the curious incident of the dog in the night-time' (the title is all lower case).

 

[Cali Cat]

You may need to depersonalize the issue of sex. It seems you are relating a lack of sexual intimacy directly to his perception of your attractiveness or his attraction to you in general. This is probably not at all the case. Many women make this mistake even with NT men. Your guy may just have a low libido, which has nothing to do with you. Perhaps sex is simply not the way he expresses his love for, or his attraction to, you. I know all women want to feel sexy, but with an Aspie male, sometimes that requires compromise. I might suggest reading The Five Love Languages to find out what love means to each of you, and then begin to work on expressing your love in meaningful ways to each other.

 

[INDIEMEG]

hi,
I am a nt dating a guy with high functioning autism and adhd.
We have been together for over a year now. He has been living with me since December (about 4 months).
He is an amazing human being and I feel like I have grown a lot from being with him.
My main concern, which is something reoccurring is that he isn't very interested in intimacy with me.
We do have sex, maybe once or twice a month, but I really struggle with it because it makes me feel insecure.
I have read some stuff online and I understand that it is different for people on the autism spectrum but I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do because it is affecting me mentally and emotionally.
I want to stay together but I don't know how to navigate this situation.
When I bring it up we fight and get to the point where he says, maybe I'm not enough and the only solution put forth is breaking up or me just dealing with it and being content with how it is.
I know I can't change him it's just really hard when it feels like the person I love doesn't find me attractive or want to physically be with me. It makes me feel bad to bring it up with him because then it makes him scared I will leave and we don't ever know where to go from there.
If anyone could offer advice or talk to me about it I would really appreciate it.

My dad is HFA and my mom would complain about his lack of giving or needing hugs, kisses and sex as well.

 

[INDIEMEG]

My dad is a very devoted man and will never leave my mom. He has been very good to her and put up with her idiosyncrasies too. Maybe your boyfriend is and will try making up for it in other ways.

 

[midlife aspie]

Right now, physical affection is a MAJOR problem in my marriage. Wife wasn't great with this to begin with, but since we had our first child, there has been ZERO. I've tried to tell her many times that some showing of proactive affection is needed. Any affection, verbal and physical must be initiated by me. She answers my inquiries with "I'm not comfortable with it". I suspect that I am not the only Aspie in our marriage. It's been well over a decade since we had a real kiss. I need more than what I am getting.

 

[camerartus]

Right now, physical affection is a MAJOR problem in my marriage. Wife wasn't great with this to begin with, but since we had our first child, there has been ZERO. I've tried to tell her many times that some showing of proactive affection is needed. Any affection, verbal and physical must be initiated by me. She answers my inquiries with "I'm not comfortable with it". I suspect that I am not the only Aspie in our marriage. It's been well over a decade since we had a real kiss. I need more than what I am getting.

Yes, you do need more than you're getting. That's why you both need to go to a counselor that specialises with autism. Another point: sometimes, childbirth leads to scar tissue that might make intimacy more difficult. Have her see a gynecologist. She may also feel less attractive. She may need some pampering, a new wardrobe, etc.

 

[Cali Cat]

She may also feel less attractive. She may need some pampering, a new wardrobe, etc.

It's amazing how much a woman's perception of her own body can affect her libido. Men don't get this as a general rule. If we don't feel attractive, we aren't "in the mood."

Maybe a spa day would help? Maybe she's worn out from parenting.

If she wasn't very affectionate prior to having a child, she may feel physical affection is a low priority and prefers to save her energy and efforts for child-rearing. It's a common complaint by men that their wives lose interest in sex after bearing children. Hubby often ends up in the backseat, and then women wonder why their husbands have affairs.

 

[camerartus]

It's amazing how much a woman's perception of her own body can affect her libido. Men don't get this as a general rule. If we don't feel attractive, we aren't "in the mood."

Maybe a spa day would help? Maybe she's worn out from parenting.

If she wasn't very affectionate prior to having a child, she may feel physical affection is a low priority and prefers to save her energy and efforts for child-rearing. It's a common complaint by men that their wives lose interest in sex after bearing children. Hubby often ends up in the backseat, and then women wonder why their husbands have affairs.

Good advice. Glad to be one of the men who gets it. [emoji18]

 

[Cosmophylla]

Wife wasn't great with this to begin with, but since we had our first child, there has been ZERO.

Having kids can have a huge impact on a woman's physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing. There is often scarring that makes sex painful, hormones fluctuate like crazy and there is an extended period after the birth and during breastfeeding when the libido is naturally low. Plus our bodies change with pregnancy (stretch marks, loosened skin, loss of abdominal muscle tone, weakened pelvic floor) and that has a huge impact on some women's self esteem. (I sure as heck don't like seeing my naked body after carrying two babies...) In a world with so much pressure on women to look good beyond having children, feeling less than adequate is common.

One of the problems with couples having an extended period without sex is that the longer it drags on the harder it becomes to even initiate it in the first place. It's like being with a stranger again...all awkward and embarrassing, and there can be a feeling that it needs to be great like the old days. Or something like that.

Plus she may be embarrassed about her body not looking like it used to.

Perhaps reminding her that you find her beautiful will help? For me, having my husband tell me that he can't believe I don't feel good about myself had a really positive impact. And he almost never says he loves me, so when he does it is special and I know he means it. Are you comfortable with slowly, gently, offering more compliments to your wife? Slowly so that she doesn't think you're just doing it to get sex out of her.

And counselling could be really beneficial.

Sorry, Ally, for straying from your OP.