Hi.
I choose to be called as UFO in this forum. That was my first nickname I can remember. It was not one of those friendly nicknames. It was an insult nickname. When I asked why other kids called me that, they answered "because you speak weirdly". I don't remember if they referred to my tone of talking, or to subjects of my interest. Most likely to latter one, as I don't think I have ever had so-called "autistic intonation", but I did had an interest on computers and programming when I was seven years old. And I did rather read encyclopedias than children's books (I have a vague memory of finding phone book's yellow pages interesting as well, but I can't say for sure if I ever actually read even a single page of it).
I don't know if I am really autistic, I just suspect it (this is an important difference between concepts to me). I have never been properly diagnosed, and my meetings with mental health care professionals at adult age are limited to generic ones who have just said that "you do score high with Sacha Baron-Cohen tests" (Sacha-part is meant to be a joke).
Actual diagnosis comes very expensive at private sector, and by my opinion, public sector should be reserved for a people with a real need - so I am not going to get myself diagnosed any more at this age (almost 50 years old). But I was sent twice to child psychiatrists for a problem behavior in kindergarten. Not sure about exact problems, but apparently I had aggressive bursts, and psychiatrists never noticed anything like that during their sessions. That was very early 80s, and the things in "Rainman" were about everything that was known about autism, so no wonder if they found nothing to diagnose back then.
I have some of symptoms that are common to autistic people:
Constant poor choices of words, and lack of understanding of other people's emotions. These two have been most obvious to me through my life, as I have an uncanny ability to piss people off whenever I slip from a formal way of speaking. It feels like I really can't express my own feelings, give any criticism to anyone, or tell my opinion about things, without risking a meeting with HR.
Add on that some ritualistic behavior, lack of eye contact, both inability and lack of interest to keep up lasting human relationships...
But many neurotypicals can have all these symptoms as well. And there are alternative diagnoses available: My favorite is Schizoid Personality Disorder. Except that I do not express emotional coldness. It is more like that I express emotions that I didn't realize that I had at some specific moment.
I also have qualities that make me doubtful if it is autism that could explain those symptoms:
I have read how autistic people describe their meltdowns and importance of their rituals and reactions to changes, and I don't relate to their high degree of discomfort - I don't consider any of my symptoms disabling (except tendency towards miscommunication), and I am open to even permanent changes to my routines (I don't like them, but I can do them).
While I do feel "I'm not going to stand this anymore" (I have a choice) in many situations, I don't think I ever slip to "I can't stand this anymore"-state (I don't have a choice). Not that I have ever tested my tolerance that much during my adulthood. Before that, it is well possible that my bursts of anger have actually been meltdowns when as a child I have had less opportunities to leave situations. I don't know. I don't remember that old things well.
Any way... My reason to sign in to this forum is to try to find some information about myself, and try to figure out how much I can actually relate to people (in sense of scaling things) who actually have a diagnosis. We'll see if I became permanent or active member. It is not typical behavior from me.
(Damn. It is easy to write a wall of text when you just think what you want to tell to make people understand who you are...)
I choose to be called as UFO in this forum. That was my first nickname I can remember. It was not one of those friendly nicknames. It was an insult nickname. When I asked why other kids called me that, they answered "because you speak weirdly". I don't remember if they referred to my tone of talking, or to subjects of my interest. Most likely to latter one, as I don't think I have ever had so-called "autistic intonation", but I did had an interest on computers and programming when I was seven years old. And I did rather read encyclopedias than children's books (I have a vague memory of finding phone book's yellow pages interesting as well, but I can't say for sure if I ever actually read even a single page of it).
I don't know if I am really autistic, I just suspect it (this is an important difference between concepts to me). I have never been properly diagnosed, and my meetings with mental health care professionals at adult age are limited to generic ones who have just said that "you do score high with Sacha Baron-Cohen tests" (Sacha-part is meant to be a joke).
Actual diagnosis comes very expensive at private sector, and by my opinion, public sector should be reserved for a people with a real need - so I am not going to get myself diagnosed any more at this age (almost 50 years old). But I was sent twice to child psychiatrists for a problem behavior in kindergarten. Not sure about exact problems, but apparently I had aggressive bursts, and psychiatrists never noticed anything like that during their sessions. That was very early 80s, and the things in "Rainman" were about everything that was known about autism, so no wonder if they found nothing to diagnose back then.
I have some of symptoms that are common to autistic people:
Constant poor choices of words, and lack of understanding of other people's emotions. These two have been most obvious to me through my life, as I have an uncanny ability to piss people off whenever I slip from a formal way of speaking. It feels like I really can't express my own feelings, give any criticism to anyone, or tell my opinion about things, without risking a meeting with HR.
Add on that some ritualistic behavior, lack of eye contact, both inability and lack of interest to keep up lasting human relationships...
But many neurotypicals can have all these symptoms as well. And there are alternative diagnoses available: My favorite is Schizoid Personality Disorder. Except that I do not express emotional coldness. It is more like that I express emotions that I didn't realize that I had at some specific moment.
I also have qualities that make me doubtful if it is autism that could explain those symptoms:
I have read how autistic people describe their meltdowns and importance of their rituals and reactions to changes, and I don't relate to their high degree of discomfort - I don't consider any of my symptoms disabling (except tendency towards miscommunication), and I am open to even permanent changes to my routines (I don't like them, but I can do them).
While I do feel "I'm not going to stand this anymore" (I have a choice) in many situations, I don't think I ever slip to "I can't stand this anymore"-state (I don't have a choice). Not that I have ever tested my tolerance that much during my adulthood. Before that, it is well possible that my bursts of anger have actually been meltdowns when as a child I have had less opportunities to leave situations. I don't know. I don't remember that old things well.
Any way... My reason to sign in to this forum is to try to find some information about myself, and try to figure out how much I can actually relate to people (in sense of scaling things) who actually have a diagnosis. We'll see if I became permanent or active member. It is not typical behavior from me.
(Damn. It is easy to write a wall of text when you just think what you want to tell to make people understand who you are...)
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- interest in computer programming, I was programming on paper years before my family got a computer 
