Hi, It's me.

[shivas]

Hi everyone... so I'm here because i hope to find people who are similar to me and struggle with the same problems. I'm not sure about my psychic disorder..but i'm sure about me being different since i'm 4 years old. I never really felt being part of my family and i grow up with the illusion that i died as a child in my previous life and now reborn in a different body with a different ethnicity. I have to say that my mum has depression (even if she doesn't say it) and also other problems, because of her hard and traumatic childhood.

I would say that i come from a very dissfunctional family and i could just write a book about my life and what happened to me. But i will keep it short: i have social anxiety and dont like to be close to other people (especially people around my age)... if i feel that i can be close to a person (especially women) i feel that i want to cry.. and it affect me emotionally in a way that i just want to stop having contact to anyone.

I'm a very good student and also get scholarship from my university ..but i dont like to interact with people and thats a big problem. I can talk with people when i talk about science or i want to explain something scientific, but when it comes to who i am.. i dont want to talk. I can't deal when people want to listen to what i have to say about myself (i think it might be connected to my childhood, when no one was interested how i feel and i was basically just studying to have good grades,,, and my mum just put me and my little sister in diverse classes which my mum enjoyed.. i couldn't even have friends.. or when someone invited me i didnt want to go there or participate in any event, because kids in my age seem to be shallow and stupid.) I still see people around me as stupid but not everyone... somehow i want to be easygoing and be a part of it... but than i also dont want to waist my time with them.

From my experience whenever i participated in a party.. after it i was just sad and i felt that i blamed myself. It cost me a lot of energy, because i will forever think about what i wear on that day.. what i said wrong and so on. Even if people say i'm good, i dont feel to be good (might be connected to my mum who always verbally distroy me)..

By the way i'm a medical student.. i love medicine and to help people. but i'm also scared of patients... because im not so good in talking and i dont feel fluent and normal in building a good conversation.

I also have problems with my relationship... i have a boyfriend (fiance).. even thought i know that he is a good person and great.. but i still look for the attention of other people(especially men). I even dated another guy... and he said to me that i have for sure a medical condition and he diagnosed me as a borderliner and believed that i have a high iq.

however now that i have to start practice in the hospital im super stressed and i dont want to talk to people, but i also dont want to stop my studies... because i want to be the best.

Besides that i also dated women and i have dermatilomania since i'm 10 years old... it's skin picking disorder which happends everyday.. i tried often to control it , but when i see my marks.. it just feel hopeless and start picking again. Mostly my body is affected.. my shoulders.. my back..my arms and chest. I hate summer because i can't show my skin.

 

[Bolletje]

Hey there, welcome

 

[Nitro]

Hi shivas

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[shivas]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

thanks

 

[GadAbout]

Welcome to the forums.

Try to see a psychiatrist (if they have them where you live) about your anxiety over working with patients. There can be medications that help greatly with anxiety. It would really be a shame if after all the education you have had, you couldn't practice medicine!

 

[tree]

 

[Rectify]

Hi Shivas and welcome.

I can relate to some of what you wrote, other stuff is different to me.

@GadAbout had some good advice. Another thing might be talking to someone at the university. Please don't quote me on this because I don't know were you are or how things work at your college/university. But, if there is someone there who might understand what you're going through and be able to advise you or help pave the way for your getting through your course, given your differences. You know some 'issues' are just differences, rather than problems per se.

I'm sorry to hear about some of the other things you mentioned, related to your family for example. It's sad that we don't all get the most ideal start in life. I'm sure you'll find plenty of people on here who can relate. But, focusing on how to move forward and how to make things better is beneficial. Also the sooner you get started on that way of thinking the better. In the past I've become stuck on some very negative thought patterns. If you let them go on they are harder to change.

To be clear - improvements. We can't always 'fix' and 'change' everything, rather we can look for ways to make our reality work. Btw it sounds like you've got some great things going for you so thumbs up for that.

 

[Fino]

What's your first language, if not English?

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome Shivas.
I would venture to think you are from India from the post and your username.

I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I was interested in medicine when I went to University also.
Ended up becoming a pharmacist. I did take some nursing, medical and psychology also.
Being good at your chosen profession doesn't necessarily require closeness with patients.
I never had friends growing up either and I've know the feeling many times of not wanting to
associate with other people.

I'm retired now and rather undecided as to what I really want to do the rest of my life.
Health and money are important factors currently in choice, but, just living how I want with
no pressures from anyone is something I am trying to obtain.
I think the rest of my life should be living how I am most comfortable.

Sounds like you are very intelligent and have choices for your life.
Hope you find communicating here on the forums a helpful experience!

 

[Sarah S]

Warm welkome the forums