Hi,
I'm 40, and I'm just realizing that I likely have Asperger's. After reading a lot online, as well as a few books, and the stories, to varying degrees, share glaring similarities to my own.
I was diagnosed bipolar, type II, rapid cycling (maybe with some ADD) a few years a go, and have been going with that diagnosis, although it never felt quite right. Recently my wife has been researching Asperger's disorder for other reasons, and saw such huge similarities between a story she was reading and me, that she pointed me towards it, as well as a book that she read.
I couldn't deny the similarities and thought, well, maybe that's why the bipolar diagnosis never felt quite right. I did "The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised (RAADS-R)" test online, and scored a 160. This seemed quite high ... suspected ASD is >=65 ... avg male w/ ASD was 148.9, and avg female w/ ASD was 165.3; so I redid the test where any question where I had any doubt I just tried to answer it in the "least aspie" way possible, and thought that will bring my score way down for sure ... so I scored 155; that's when I figured ... ok ... I guess that is likely it and now I've been reading a lot, writing/analyzing a lot of my experiences over the last 35 years, and met with my Dr. and will be meeting with a specialist.
I've had many "special interests" over the years, lucky that one of them was computers, so I became a programmer. It also helped with people judging me a little less as I got older ("of course he's strange ... he's a programmer ...(and a musician)" ... media in the late 90's and early 2000's really helped with this image of the stereotypical socially inept programmer).
Despite having a successful career (that I've tried to mold into what I need), it's been extremely difficult to manage even day-to-day activities often ... having a family has made this extremely difficult, and I've really struggled and beaten up myself over my inability to do even the most basic things ... how can I be so smart in some ways, and successful in some ways, and so inept and apparently unable to learn in other areas? ... how come I have such a hard time figuring out what my wife wants and I always do the wrong thing? what's wrong with me?
Drinking became a major crutch for me, helping me get through the day, ignore and forget my failings to a degree temporarily, and actually allow me to interact on a social level with people and actually sort of enjoy it! When I quit drinking (which I have), all my social ineptitudes, low self-esteem, and other issues come roaring back (none of the issues were ever really gone, but I was masking them pretty successfully, even to myself)
Cannabis has also been a "special interest" of mine, and hasn't been destructive like alcohol. More recently vaporization has become an obsession (I know a lot about this as well and have probably owned about 30 vaporizers in the last few years). I know there are conflicting views on cannabis out there, and I'm not sure if it helps me (apart from in social situations some), but as one of my "special interests" it does give me great happiness a lot of the time (not just consuming it, but everything about it).
I hope discovering I have Asperger's and dealing with my alcohol problem will get me to where I need to be ... I can't drink anymore (as I've become dependent and an alcoholic), and perhaps better self-awareness will allow me to be less hard on myself (as well as perhaps get a little more understanding from my significant other)--something has to give.
I'm 40, and I'm just realizing that I likely have Asperger's. After reading a lot online, as well as a few books, and the stories, to varying degrees, share glaring similarities to my own.
I was diagnosed bipolar, type II, rapid cycling (maybe with some ADD) a few years a go, and have been going with that diagnosis, although it never felt quite right. Recently my wife has been researching Asperger's disorder for other reasons, and saw such huge similarities between a story she was reading and me, that she pointed me towards it, as well as a book that she read.
I couldn't deny the similarities and thought, well, maybe that's why the bipolar diagnosis never felt quite right. I did "The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised (RAADS-R)" test online, and scored a 160. This seemed quite high ... suspected ASD is >=65 ... avg male w/ ASD was 148.9, and avg female w/ ASD was 165.3; so I redid the test where any question where I had any doubt I just tried to answer it in the "least aspie" way possible, and thought that will bring my score way down for sure ... so I scored 155; that's when I figured ... ok ... I guess that is likely it and now I've been reading a lot, writing/analyzing a lot of my experiences over the last 35 years, and met with my Dr. and will be meeting with a specialist.
I've had many "special interests" over the years, lucky that one of them was computers, so I became a programmer. It also helped with people judging me a little less as I got older ("of course he's strange ... he's a programmer ...(and a musician)" ... media in the late 90's and early 2000's really helped with this image of the stereotypical socially inept programmer).
Despite having a successful career (that I've tried to mold into what I need), it's been extremely difficult to manage even day-to-day activities often ... having a family has made this extremely difficult, and I've really struggled and beaten up myself over my inability to do even the most basic things ... how can I be so smart in some ways, and successful in some ways, and so inept and apparently unable to learn in other areas? ... how come I have such a hard time figuring out what my wife wants and I always do the wrong thing? what's wrong with me?
Drinking became a major crutch for me, helping me get through the day, ignore and forget my failings to a degree temporarily, and actually allow me to interact on a social level with people and actually sort of enjoy it! When I quit drinking (which I have), all my social ineptitudes, low self-esteem, and other issues come roaring back (none of the issues were ever really gone, but I was masking them pretty successfully, even to myself)
Cannabis has also been a "special interest" of mine, and hasn't been destructive like alcohol. More recently vaporization has become an obsession (I know a lot about this as well and have probably owned about 30 vaporizers in the last few years). I know there are conflicting views on cannabis out there, and I'm not sure if it helps me (apart from in social situations some), but as one of my "special interests" it does give me great happiness a lot of the time (not just consuming it, but everything about it).
I hope discovering I have Asperger's and dealing with my alcohol problem will get me to where I need to be ... I can't drink anymore (as I've become dependent and an alcoholic), and perhaps better self-awareness will allow me to be less hard on myself (as well as perhaps get a little more understanding from my significant other)--something has to give.
