Hi, my 28 year old son has Asperger's...

[Julius D]

Hi, My son is 28 and has Asperger's. He was diagnosed in the late nineties and lives with us now. I have been to counseling with him when he was younger and now, thankfully, he is back in counseling. I also attend a support group in my city for fathers of children with "disabilities". Right now, it's very frustrating because my son is not working and says he is looking but usually spends most of his time in his room on his computer. I'm always afraid of how far to push him without starting an argument. We have had a fairly tenuous relationship for years - simply not understanding each other and sometimes it has even erupted into screaming matches. I love him and want the best but sometime Aspie's can present themselves as so selfish!

I am constantly reminding him to do his chores, though he has gotten a bit better and I just don't know how to talk to him without it seeming like I'm attacking him. I know that I'm to blame for alot of it because I'm sure by now my facial expressions, tone of voice and body language are just right out there. I'm tired and scared that he's never going to get a job or that he's content just sitting at home on his computer. It seems that every time we (my wife and I) come up with a suggestion for either a job lead or just getting out a bit, he has an answer right away as to why he can't.

Sorry for going on...sort of exasperated.

 

[King_Oni]

Hi Julius, welcome to Aspiescentral.

I can relate somewhat to your son. My situation isn't that different, and I'm actually in the shoes of your son, not you, as a parent.

Is there any support from say, social services or the government you can get, to get him on track and eventually employed? From my own experience (though I'm fully aware that it can differ on location and the government of the country you're in), I know that if I were to figure it out myself in terms of education and employment I wouldn't go anywhere. Luckily over here (The Netherlands) social services seems to be involved somewhat.

And simply put; the reason why I'm in touch with social services is, that despite living at my parents house, my parents are not going to spend their money on me. I need to get an income somewhere. And it might be quite obvious that getting an income through the government without at least making an effort to get employed (or at least forward in life) doesn't really work.

I'm not saying you should go really harsh on him, but I guess the general idea to make him aware he has to pull his own weight somehow. Though I'm clearly assuming you're paying his bills and he doesn't get any income at all and pretty much lives on what he gets from you.

You mention he's on his computer; but perhaps you should put it like this; what if... his computer breaks down? It has to be replaced and that's the least to be expected to be able to provide for himself. The notion of getting a job and living on your own totally independent might be a stretch for your son.

The more negative aspect however is a realistic worry you have. Him being employed often is a long shot. Not everyone on the spectrum is unemployed and on this forum it seems to be a mixed bag. However, does he have any qualifications at all? Any interests that might make it more viable for him to attempt something of a viable career?

 

[Ereth]

I recommend seeking an employment counselor who has an understanding of the autism spectrum. You and your son sound like you could use a mediator.

 

[Judge]

I love him and want the best but sometime Aspie's can present themselves as so selfish!

I wouldn't look at this as selfishness so much as a feeling of paralysis- being trapped. Feeling locked outside of a world of socialization you don't understand. It's something I've had to fight all my life, especially when unemployed.

But that's the point. He has to fight it as best he can. At 28 years of age he should be able to comprehend that parents, as well as their resources are finite. That they can potentially disappear tomorrow. When you feel nearly all alone, the only resource you really have is yourself. He's got to make the first step. You can help, but he still has to start the process in his own mind and heart.

The greatest challenge I see for NTs who are trying to interact with an Aspie strikes me as being two-fold:

1) To identify their Aspie traits and behaviors as best they can.

2) To clearly understand what traits and behaviors they can improve upon, and which ones they can't no matter how much effort is expended in the process.

 

[Salmongirl17]

Hello and Welcome!!

 

[wyverary]

Speaking as somebody who is somewhat in your son's shoes, I can recommend a couple of things, that have at least worked for me. Bear in mind, I am in the US, and don't know in which country you reside, so I may be way off base here...

Since he is 28, I presume that means he is off of your insurance plan. I cannot recommend highly enough that you help him seek SSI benefits. This will provide him at least with some health insurance, and since you have not mentioned whether or not he himself is in therapy, if he isn't, this can help him get some. That is essential in a situation such as this, especially considering the attitude in him which you perceive.

Once he has SSI benefits, see of you can follow Ereth 's suggestion of finding an employment counselor. I went that route, and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me (and that is no exaggeration). I am currently working part-time and will be attending school this coming fall.

In any case, good luck...and welcome! If you have any questions, or what to update us, well, here we are.

And if you're not in the US, you can ignore this post entirely.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

It does sound as though he may be avoiding the outside world, which is quite common for those on the spectrum. As others here have mentioned, this can be due to fear, or stress, from being an often misunderstood minority. It is also hard for some Aspies to change from their set ways, and so I can understand the delicate situation you face.

I understand that it is hard for you to speak with him, and am sure you've tried many times, but the best way to reason with a person with Asperger's is to remember that most of us are living by the rules of society, which were not written by us at all. It's almost like telling a cat he has to play with dogs, and act like dogs, and be a dog; you're going to get a lot of resistance. If you've ever tried this, you'd know that the cat would stress out, and go in to hiding from the dogs, and probably refuse to ever come out. Our minds are wired so differently, that the differences in what we consider reasonable seem to differ enough to cause this level of stress.

Perhaps if you sit down and learn how he has set up his own rules in his mind, you can better understand why he disagrees with certain things, as they may clash with society's expectations of him. By understanding where he draws the line, you can understand what sets him off, and so hopefully lessen the fights. Of course, he may disagree with important factors, such as getting a job, but all you can do is try to approach this from a logical manner, and hope that you can both find a common ground. Perhaps he needs to find work in computers? Perhaps working alone, or with like-minded people? There are certain jobs which tend to attract those on the spectrum, so those industries may be easier for him to enter. Some people on the spectrum are unable to work with others at all, and need to be their own boss.

Hope some of that was helpful

 

[JamesBond]

Welcome

It does sound as though he may be avoiding the outside world, which is quite common for those on the spectrum. As others here have mentioned, this can be due to fear, or stress, from being an often misunderstood minority. It is also hard for some Aspies to change from their set ways, and so I can understand the delicate situation you face.

I understand that it is hard for you to speak with him, and am sure you've tried many times, but the best way to reason with a person with Asperger's is to remember that most of us are living by the rules of society, which were not written by us at all. It's almost like telling a cat he has to play with dogs, and act like dogs, and be a dog; you're going to get a lot of resistance. If you've ever tried this, you'd know that the cat would stress out, and go in to hiding from the dogs, and probably refuse to ever come out. Our minds are wired so differently, that the differences in what we consider reasonable seem to differ enough to cause this level of stress.

Perhaps if you sit down and learn how he has set up his own rules in his mind, you can better understand why he disagrees with certain things, as they may clash with society's expectations of him. By understanding where he draws the line, you can understand what sets him off, and so hopefully lessen the fights. Of course, he may disagree with important factors, such as getting a job, but all you can do is try to approach this from a logical manner, and hope that you can both find a common ground. Perhaps he needs to find work in computers? Perhaps working alone, or with like-minded people? There are certain jobs which tend to attract those on the spectrum, so those industries may be easier for him to enter. Some people on the spectrum are unable to work with others at all, and need to be their own boss.

Hope some of that was helpful

I have a 24 year old son diagnosed 10 yrs ago with ASD. As a child it was all he could do to cope and hide a lot of things he didn't understand but it seemed nice über try set in that was all too much and his ball of twine in life came rolling undone. That's when things came to a head after trying counselling without success. It was all to hard for the school so I took him out and home schooled him through our State Distance Education program. This allowed him to a least complete his secondary senior schooling but we had to take an additional year and cut his study load in half so he could cope. He only had a couple of friends at school which he managed to keep in contact with via Internet after they all left town and went to Uni. He managed to get a few hrs work a week at our local library after having done work experience there through schooling. He did a fantastic job of coping nice we gave him tools rouse to cope. The staff saw him Grow and flourish till too many changes in the working world became all too much for him and he had a melt down. Till this point no one at work knew he had the condition because we had worked out strategies to help him deal with people. Once this happened though he had to come clean and tell Them He had ASD. Typically once he did this they forgot all the fabulous things he did for them and the unsupervised responsibility he had coped with for nearly 4 yrs. His casual hrs were progressively reduced till he ended up with no work. Knowing that finding a job even casual, that a person with this condition can cope with is hard enough we had no choice but To go to seek social benefits and support. He was referred to a disability and rehabilitation employment provider that helped us if d work at a pet store for him owned by friends. Unfortunately because he is also a sever asthmatic it means that he will never be able to be considered a reliable employee because we never know from one day to the next with weather changes if he will be able to go to work. Thus at the end of his 3 mths they weren't interested In continuing with the employment program.
By this time he had been granted disability status because he was flat out coping with 8hrs a week work. This was all he had ever been able to manage. So now he has no work but at least some money to help him have some interests.
We have all come to the conclusion that he will always live at home with us to care and support him. Hence the reason I have been granted Carer status for him. My worry is what he will do once we are dead. I know he will be shattered like he was when he lost his grandmother. But what can you do. There is so much of the world he just doesn't understand which frustrates him, but at the same time he has such great knowledge about things that interest him. If I have Togo away for a few days I have to leave him with lists of things that he has to remember to do. Without a list he will just forget what needs doing as he tends to go into his own world of interests and forgets the rest. If he can't see it he forgets it. He lives with groups of things on the floor because if he puts stuff away he then can't find it. .life is just one constant frustration for all of us but at least I don't have to keep banging my head against a brick wall n trying to find work for him anymore. Interviews were so stressful and a challenge in themselves. After seeing what he is like even just at the social security interview it became quite clear he would never be successful finding work. He loses what little confidence he can muster at the best of times when it comes to sitting I. Front of a panel of strangers and he starts to stutter with nerves. Makes me so sad to see how hard life is for him and how lonely it is with no local friends. I. Just thankful that a couple of school friends still keep in touch over the Internet and if they do come to town, they always make time to pop by to visit him. They are true friends as they know his challenges with life

 

[Vanilla]

I have a 24 year old son diagnosed 10 yrs ago with ASD. As a child it was all he could do to cope and hide a lot of things he didn't understand but it seemed nice über try set in that was all too much and his ball of twine in life came rolling undone. That's when things came to a head after trying counselling without success. It was all to hard for the school so I took him out and home schooled him through our State Distance Education program. This allowed him to a least complete his secondary senior schooling but we had to take an additional year and cut his study load in half so he could cope. He only had a couple of friends at school which he managed to keep in contact with via Internet after they all left town and went to Uni. He managed to get a few hrs work a week at our local library after having done work experience there through schooling. He did a fantastic job of coping nice we gave him tools rouse to cope. The staff saw him Grow and flourish till too many changes in the working world became all too much for him and he had a melt down. Till this point no one at work knew he had the condition because we had worked out strategies to help him deal with people. Once this happened though he had to come clean and tell Them He had ASD. Typically once he did this they forgot all the fabulous things he did for them and the unsupervised responsibility he had coped with for nearly 4 yrs. His casual hrs were progressively reduced till he ended up with no work. Knowing that finding a job even casual, that a person with this condition can cope with is hard enough we had no choice but To go to seek social benefits and support. He was referred to a disability and rehabilitation employment provider that helped us if d work at a pet store for him owned by friends. Unfortunately because he is also a sever asthmatic it means that he will never be able to be considered a reliable employee because we never know from one day to the next with weather changes if he will be able to go to work. Thus at the end of his 3 mths they weren't interested In continuing with the employment program.
By this time he had been granted disability status because he was flat out coping with 8hrs a week work. This was all he had ever been able to manage. So now he has no work but at least some money to help him have some interests.
We have all come to the conclusion that he will always live at home with us to care and support him. Hence the reason I have been granted Carer status for him. My worry is what he will do once we are dead. I know he will be shattered like he was when he lost his grandmother. But what can you do. There is so much of the world he just doesn't understand which frustrates him, but at the same time he has such great knowledge about things that interest him. If I have Togo away for a few days I have to leave him with lists of things that he has to remember to do. Without a list he will just forget what needs doing as he tends to go into his own world of interests and forgets the rest. If he can't see it he forgets it. He lives with groups of things on the floor because if he puts stuff away he then can't find it. .life is just one constant frustration for all of us but at least I don't have to keep banging my head against a brick wall n trying to find work for him anymore. Interviews were so stressful and a challenge in themselves. After seeing what he is like even just at the social security interview it became quite clear he would never be successful finding work. He loses what little confidence he can muster at the best of times when it comes to sitting I. Front of a panel of strangers and he starts to stutter with nerves. Makes me so sad to see how hard life is for him and how lonely it is with no local friends. I. Just thankful that a couple of school friends still keep in touch over the Internet and if they do come to town, they always make time to pop by to visit him. They are true friends as they know his challenges with life

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, for some on the spectrum, it will be a life-long struggle. Unfortunately it can't always be helped, and many times it's because there is no accommodation for such a situation; at least not an everlasting one. Your son is lucky he does in fact have you as his carer now though; for many on the spectrum, they are alone in their daily struggles.