Amina
Well-Known Member
Hey! This is my first day on this site so I thought I'd share my story!
I am 20 years old and I live in the U.S. I was diagnosed with "high functioning Asperger's," as my doctor called it, this year.
For a while I was unsure if I really had it and I was kinda afraid to accept it or believe it.. But I have finally come to terms that I do have it. The reason I think I have been diagnosed so much later in my life is because my mom always denied that there was anything weird about me. I know it might be a good thing for a Mother to "believe in you," but in this case it hurt me more than it helped me. I really wish I would have gotten more specialized schooling and knew that I fell under the lines of Aspergers so I could have faced it more directly and grown. Now I'm 20 years old, and have had to quit numerous jobs because of anxiety not even understanding that I was actually un-able to process social cues as easily as others, I always just thought it was my fault when I didn't know how to react or what to say. My mom always described me as "marching to my own drum."
The disorder has really hurt my relationship with my brother and that really makes me just want to cry... My brother jokes a lot and I don't understand his jokes ever so it's really hard for me to have a conversation with him. The last time I saw him I tried really hard to be more friendly around him but all I could think to say was to ask questions about what he was doing and the conversation didn't really last long. When he's not joking he is bragging about himself so that makes me even more uncomfortable...
My relationship with my mom is better than it used to be. But we still fight sometimes. Oh, I forgot to mention that I live with my mom! I have a really hard time accepting the fact that I am 20 and I am not really doing much with my life... I REALLY want to go to college but I can't because I have a really hard time going to school AND working. It's like I can only focus on one thing... And my family can't support me financially so I have to support myself.. And it's really hard... I keep tearing up talking about this because I am so scared and I just really want to know that I will be okay and that I will be able to take care of myself.. But it's hard. I am going through Vocational Rehabilitation and I have decided to get a job that doesn't involve a lot of socializing... Before I was diagnosed I tried to do the whole go to school and work part time thing but it really was a nightmare... I think I put a little too much on my plate and eventually it lead me to having to drop out of most of my classes and I decided to quit my job and I did get another job right away (both of them were retail which I think you could imagine was very hard for me...) The day of my finals I woke up to my roomate talking badly about me in the next room... who was my best friend at the time. I was so distressed that I left to coomit suicde but before I got to the bridge I was going to drive off of, I had to pass the ER of the hospital and I checked myself in instead. The next week I spent at my Dad's and they didn't really help me that much... But I guess it was better than staying with my abusive roomate... Anyway, I got this other job and they did not give me 20+ hours they told me they would, and they didn't pay me for a month! I was so stressed and suicidal and at the time was going to a church that is not your run-of-the-mill church... They believe in very Pentecostal and even with my Aspergers I felt like I could be myself there because they seemed to dismiss my really random comments and I could dance around and sing and it wasn't so strange to them
. Well there was a girl there that used the whole prophecy gift thing to try to hook me up with a guy and have him marry me. She did the prophecy to both of us highly implying that I was to marry him. And one weekend they invited me to stay with them for a weekend and I agreed. Everyone loved me and seemed to admire me for my usual style and sense of things. I loved everyone there too so when Monday was coming soon I had a really hard time leaving so I just stayed, actually I stayed for two weeks. And while I was there the guy tried again and again to not only date me but evetually we were both coinvenced that we were to be married, even strangers were saying that we were meant to be married! It was weird. I was not attracted to him at all and I told him time and time again that I didn't want to date but after the strangers started to say we were meant to be together I thought well maybe we are... and I told him I'd marry him. Well long story short I went home and knew I wasn't supposed to marry him and my parents as well as my grand-parents realized that something wasn't right about this "community" I wanted to move to. And they talked me out of moving there. Well there I was, having lost my job, hadn't gone to school in two weeks... rent was due soon... I ended up having to move back in with my mom and I dropped the classes for some online classes. But because I thought I was going to get married I decided to spend all my loan money on things for the wedding... and I had no money for the books for the online classes... to make things worse I was raped my an old friend and after all of that I just needed to get away from my city and everything for a little bit so I went to my grandparents and they verbally abused me and when I told my grandma that I was raped she told me to get on birth control then she lied to my mom about who raped me and her and my mom thought I was raped by the guy from the "community" It was such a mess... And honestly I didn't know what to do I was so depressed I can't really even explain how terrible I felt. I developed this terrible disorder called "depersonalization" and it was so bad that I couldn't really even function...
Well fast forward a bit to now, I have sense been diagnosed and am going through Vocational Rehabilitation. I have paid back over a 1,000 dollars in loans back even though I was severely depersonalized and having Asperger's. I haven't been able to keep a job for more than 5 months and I think that's because I kept going into retail/sales jobs...
Really, what I want to do is go to school. That is really all I want, is to just go to school. But I don't know what it will take... If anyone can just talk to me I might feel better about all of this but right now the stress just feels over the top.....
I am 20 years old and I live in the U.S. I was diagnosed with "high functioning Asperger's," as my doctor called it, this year.
For a while I was unsure if I really had it and I was kinda afraid to accept it or believe it.. But I have finally come to terms that I do have it. The reason I think I have been diagnosed so much later in my life is because my mom always denied that there was anything weird about me. I know it might be a good thing for a Mother to "believe in you," but in this case it hurt me more than it helped me. I really wish I would have gotten more specialized schooling and knew that I fell under the lines of Aspergers so I could have faced it more directly and grown. Now I'm 20 years old, and have had to quit numerous jobs because of anxiety not even understanding that I was actually un-able to process social cues as easily as others, I always just thought it was my fault when I didn't know how to react or what to say. My mom always described me as "marching to my own drum."
The disorder has really hurt my relationship with my brother and that really makes me just want to cry... My brother jokes a lot and I don't understand his jokes ever so it's really hard for me to have a conversation with him. The last time I saw him I tried really hard to be more friendly around him but all I could think to say was to ask questions about what he was doing and the conversation didn't really last long. When he's not joking he is bragging about himself so that makes me even more uncomfortable...
My relationship with my mom is better than it used to be. But we still fight sometimes. Oh, I forgot to mention that I live with my mom! I have a really hard time accepting the fact that I am 20 and I am not really doing much with my life... I REALLY want to go to college but I can't because I have a really hard time going to school AND working. It's like I can only focus on one thing... And my family can't support me financially so I have to support myself.. And it's really hard... I keep tearing up talking about this because I am so scared and I just really want to know that I will be okay and that I will be able to take care of myself.. But it's hard. I am going through Vocational Rehabilitation and I have decided to get a job that doesn't involve a lot of socializing... Before I was diagnosed I tried to do the whole go to school and work part time thing but it really was a nightmare... I think I put a little too much on my plate and eventually it lead me to having to drop out of most of my classes and I decided to quit my job and I did get another job right away (both of them were retail which I think you could imagine was very hard for me...) The day of my finals I woke up to my roomate talking badly about me in the next room... who was my best friend at the time. I was so distressed that I left to coomit suicde but before I got to the bridge I was going to drive off of, I had to pass the ER of the hospital and I checked myself in instead. The next week I spent at my Dad's and they didn't really help me that much... But I guess it was better than staying with my abusive roomate... Anyway, I got this other job and they did not give me 20+ hours they told me they would, and they didn't pay me for a month! I was so stressed and suicidal and at the time was going to a church that is not your run-of-the-mill church... They believe in very Pentecostal and even with my Aspergers I felt like I could be myself there because they seemed to dismiss my really random comments and I could dance around and sing and it wasn't so strange to them
. Well there was a girl there that used the whole prophecy gift thing to try to hook me up with a guy and have him marry me. She did the prophecy to both of us highly implying that I was to marry him. And one weekend they invited me to stay with them for a weekend and I agreed. Everyone loved me and seemed to admire me for my usual style and sense of things. I loved everyone there too so when Monday was coming soon I had a really hard time leaving so I just stayed, actually I stayed for two weeks. And while I was there the guy tried again and again to not only date me but evetually we were both coinvenced that we were to be married, even strangers were saying that we were meant to be married! It was weird. I was not attracted to him at all and I told him time and time again that I didn't want to date but after the strangers started to say we were meant to be together I thought well maybe we are... and I told him I'd marry him. Well long story short I went home and knew I wasn't supposed to marry him and my parents as well as my grand-parents realized that something wasn't right about this "community" I wanted to move to. And they talked me out of moving there. Well there I was, having lost my job, hadn't gone to school in two weeks... rent was due soon... I ended up having to move back in with my mom and I dropped the classes for some online classes. But because I thought I was going to get married I decided to spend all my loan money on things for the wedding... and I had no money for the books for the online classes... to make things worse I was raped my an old friend and after all of that I just needed to get away from my city and everything for a little bit so I went to my grandparents and they verbally abused me and when I told my grandma that I was raped she told me to get on birth control then she lied to my mom about who raped me and her and my mom thought I was raped by the guy from the "community" It was such a mess... And honestly I didn't know what to do I was so depressed I can't really even explain how terrible I felt. I developed this terrible disorder called "depersonalization" and it was so bad that I couldn't really even function...Well fast forward a bit to now, I have sense been diagnosed and am going through Vocational Rehabilitation. I have paid back over a 1,000 dollars in loans back even though I was severely depersonalized and having Asperger's. I haven't been able to keep a job for more than 5 months and I think that's because I kept going into retail/sales jobs...
Really, what I want to do is go to school. That is really all I want, is to just go to school. But I don't know what it will take... If anyone can just talk to me I might feel better about all of this but right now the stress just feels over the top.....
You have gone through some trauma, clearly so if you need anyone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me 
