Hi. New and finally being honest with myself about having ASD but it's hard (long post)

[Jackson1992]

Hello,
I am new to this forum because at age 29 I can't deny that I'm on the autism spectrum anymore. I always had oppositional behavior as a child, was a class clown, then in adolescence became more socially anxious and isolated and started feeling I was "weird and different." All this was attributed to social anxiety. Ever since then I have thought of myself mainly as anxious and depressed. However, there are a lot of traditional signs of aspergers I have and had as a child that went unrecognized that I won't go into (narrow, fixed interests, black and white thinking, sensory issues, social awkwardness, intense fixation and fascination with strange things like door locks as a child). at about age 21 i became aware that I probably had aspergers, but I denied it by saying I simply had "aspects of it" and that I couldn't fully have it, because I can read nonverbal body language, facial expressions, understand irony and humor, etc. ever since then I have strongly rebelled against the idea of having it because I felt it would be saying I'm incapable and limited inherently in what I want to do and who I want to be. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and a masters in counseling, and recently got licensed as a therapist. Doing more research recently has made it so I can't deny I'm on the spectrum, even if very mildly, which is throwing my whole self-identity into confusion, increasing my depression and anxiety, and making me question whether I'm in the right career, even though I seem okay at it. I've had difficulties at jobs and staying employed as a result of being on rhe spectrum, but not because of actual counseling performance.

I've sometimes wondered if I have something called "nonverbal learning disorder" instead, since the most marked symptom, in addition to milder classic ASD symptoms, is extremely poor visuo-spatial skills but excellent verbal skills. Based on that discrepancy plus self-report the neuropsychologist in 2016 did diagnose me with aspergers, but at that time, unlike now, I wanted an explanatory label and did frame things in a way that would make it clear I thought I had that.

As can be seen, I have a lot of internalized negativity about ASD because I have feared accepting the label meant trapping me in a box with limitations and most of all, accepting that I am inherently different, when I like to focus on the overarching sameness of humans in terms of our basic desires to be happy and avoid suffering, and dont want to think of myself as an "other." I don't want to be condescending, I'm just so distressed and wondering if anyone has any feedback or similar experiences. Thanks!

 

[Nitro]

 

[Suzette]

Hello Jackson1992,

Let me ask you two questions. What did you think of your chances to succeed at your desires before you learned you are on the spectrum? Did anyone you know treat you differently today than yesterday?

From my perspective knowing that you are on the spectrum improves your chance for success because you can use your knowledge to learn the missing skills or learn how to meet nt needs while still meeting your own.

Welcome to the forum

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Growing up at a time when ASD was rarely diagnosed, so never put a label to how I felt. Since my diagnosis late in life I have understood much of that life, yet I am not my ASD. During that earlier time I did not think of myself as limited in pursuing goals that depended on my intellectual capacity or interests, so I was able to pursue research and later a remunerative technical career. My greatest limitation was social, with poor skills and an inability to understand emotional communication. Those deficits minimally impacted my work life but even among people I felt profoundly isolated and had no idea of what I needed to do to connect for healthy relationships and intimacy. That isolation was traumatic for me as a teen and young adult and I still have issues about that, as I guess it was an experience that defined me. It took a lot of personal work, but I was able to overcome that isolation. I still harbor a lot of bitterness and resentment towards people because of that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

As can be seen, I have a lot of internalized negativity about ASD because I have feared accepting the label meant trapping me in a box with limitations and most of all, accepting that I am inherently different, when I like to focus on the overarching sameness of humans in terms of our basic desires to be happy and avoid suffering, and dont want to think of myself as an "other." I don't want to be condescending, I'm just so distressed and wondering if anyone has any feedback or similar experiences. Thanks!

I think much of this is simply a lack of education as to what autism is. There are several variants of autism and a wide variety of neurodiversity. Like them or not, some of the wealthiest people in the world, some of the most famous people in the sciences and in the arts,...are autistic. What limitations you seem to think you have, may be real,...but also may be due to your attitude. Many of us adapt and overcome. Some of us are deeply competitive, have a strong internal drive, and are not about to let anyone best us.

I am going to sound narcissistic here, but why on Earth would you want to be like a neurotypical? Look at how screwed up the world is,...neurotypical behavior patterns did this. Look at all the nastiness, dysfunction, and perpetuation of lies on social media sites,...this is not autistic behavior,...just saying. Being inherently different may cause neurotypicals some distress, but look at it this way,....at no point in human history has anyone, at any time, made any significant contribution to humanity by being the same. I might suggest that people who are neurodivergent and sometimes autistic that are the force behind human advancement. Neurotypicals are mired in sameness,...they get upset with things that are different, especially people different than them,...just look at all the social dysfunction whether it be race, religion, gender, political, whatever,...if they can screw each other over, they will. Autistics generally don't act this way.

To each their own, but I do consider myself "other", because I don't want anything to do with those monkeys and that circus.

 

[tree]

 

[HermitCrab]

Hello, we have very similar experience. I also have a bachelors degree in Clinical psychology, and never realize all of my sign and symptoms until now.

I think I was 'normal' my whole life. I can make friends, can read the non-verbal expression, understand jokes and even sarcastic myself. But I always make some mistake then and there. Sometimes I don't get the joke at all, I don't know that they're joking. Sometimes I make a remark that got everyone a dead air. Sometimes I don't even know when I should chime in and just silently be there for the sake of social gathering.
And I cannot maintain the long distance relationship. Once we grow up and part way, I don't know how to keep contact with my friends. I don't know how to say hi or drop a message for them. I cannot do small talk.

So the hardest thing when I did the therapy was rapport. I tried really hard to make a good first impression, I got better and can relax in the later sessions. I also did well in group therapy, I can make an eye contact on each person when it's their turn to speak, and it doesn't require me to talk much, which is very pleasant. And when it's my turn to receive the group therapy, I can share many personal information without the feeling of oversharing.
Judging from my experience and all the feedback I got, I think I also do well as a therapist (student, it's require high price to get the license in my country while the salary is opposite, so now I'm not in this field)

So in my opinion, if your clients get their counseling, get better, smile and love themselves more, then you're in the right career.
Your difficulties come from your co-workers and something socially required, right?

P.S. I decided to study psychology, because I didn't understand people. I thought by studying, I would know them more and could finally fit in. The sign was there from the start! I just didn't know before.

 

[Wulven]

Admitting you have autism to yourself isn't boxing you in. It is a realization you have limitations that already existed anyway.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Richelle-H]

So I live within the mild end of the spectrum. Most of what you describe could be applied to me, other than I was drawn to things that did not require a huge amount of social interaction. (i.e. computers and programming)

I do not understand why you think the label limits you personally. It is something made up by those looking to categorize and compartmentalize. It makes you no different than anyone else unless you make it an issue.

I grew up confronting the world head on. I made no concessions. It made for some stressful times, to be sure, but I learned how to handle those in my early thirties. If people found me interesting, intelligent, or amusing, they had to accept me as I was.

Being honest with yourself is a good start, but I think you may be overthinking the issue. I pay my diagnosis of Asperger's little respect. It is what it is. I can't change it, but I also have never let it limit me or my horizons.

Welcome to the forum and may you find peace within.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Many who are counsellorsare introspective and self questioning, neurotypical or neurodiverse. It's encouraged to be self aware, but I think you are, as has been said, maybe over thinking things.

It's a spectrum, remember, we aren't by any means all the same, so although the label gives you some idea of your neurology, it doesn't say what type of person you are or what you ll be able to do or be good at.

At 29, there's a lot going on for many. Early in your career, and quite a self examining type of job, aswell as having lots of responsibility and important roles in the lives of others, as a counsellor. Then, what of your personal life or potential relationships? And achieving independence.

On top of that, Covid! For the last couple of years nearly. Its not all about ASD, is what I mean. But in so far as it is, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive. This is a good place to be, and will offer some interesting conversations and discussions.

I am a counsellor too, btw. And trainer. What a privilege it is to fill such a role, to be trusted with other's thoughts and concerns, to listen and be there for them. Not always easy but I never regretted working in that area.

 

[watersprite]

Welcome.

 

[22222]

Gee - it's interesting how for some the label of ASD opens up a fear of new impending limitations (even if none existed prior) and yet for others that are aware of limitations - the label can offer tremendous relief.

You are who you are and the diagnosis won't change that. You know that you are good at counseling. I think that is wonderful. Don't let self-doubt be a result. You didn't open Pandora's box by getting diagnosed.

It is obvious you are bright, insightful and caring - a wonderful combination. I would be comfortable getting counseling from a person with these qualities. The only thing that would alarm me would be the dismay and distress you are expressing. But I bet you will make peace with this because you have already dealt with a number of challenges. I think all of this could give you great insight. You have my respect.