Hi, REALLY need help! I'm NT and want to know how to help newly "diagnosed" Aspie ex-bf

[seerataust]

I was dating a guy for 7 months, and in the last month we had our first fight. He did something dishonest (accidentally) which caused a lot of problems for me and I was expecting a lot of support and apologies from him which I didn't get at all. So, I would get mad, he would withdraw, I would get madder and so on. Eventually it got to a point where I couldn't see him ever redeeming himself, or us recovering, and I broke up with him. However, in the break-up conversation he finally admitted that he felt like a failure because of his long-standing difficulty expressing and feeling emotions. As soon as he said that everything clicked and I realized he was an Aspie (I have a psych background). I immediately and profusely apologized because I realized that my expectations and reactions during the last month only contributed to the situation getting worse. I understood that he had been supporting me as much as he was "able" to.

I asked him if he thought he could have Asperger's. He said "no" so I didn't push him more. I talked to him the next day to see how he was feeling and to ask about Asperger's again. He had since done some reading and admitted that Asperger's sounded likely. He was really upset about it (He had rethought past conflicts and relationship problems, lost opportunities, feelings of inadequacy, etc...). I think he felt that I was being patronizing when I tried to reassure him. I obviously can't know how he feels...I felt nothing I could say made it better. I told him if he needs anything he can always call, but I know he won't (he never called me over the last 7 months). I know his family is not supportive so I'm really worried he will be dealing with this alone. If any of you have tips on how I can support my ex-bf with all of this, I would love some suggestions! Do I leave him alone to process things? Or check in once in a while?? If so, what should I say that would help him?

I also asked him if we should get back together. I felt that the "me angry-him withdraw" cycle wouldn't happen again since I would know better. He said that his feelings for me hadn't changed, but he took the break-up badly and couldn't go through something like that again. He was very adamant that we should just be friends. I'm not sure that we should get together again either, but what are the chances he could change his mind? Especially as he learns more about Asperger's and how much it contributed to the break-up?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Especially as he learns more about Asperger's and how much it contributed to the break-up?

So, I would get mad, he would withdraw, I would get madder and so on.

The second one perhpas contributed more.

Well that and you breaking up with him.

Leads me more towards a cycle of abuse.

You don't get what you expect - you get mad
( Not sure what is involved ,get needs to withdraw )
You get madder
( Not owning your abusive behavior)
.oh he's got Asperger's. It was his fault all along.

Leave him alone us my take .

Note your behavior may or may not have been abusive.
It may help to think of it that way.
Seems like more of it was you than you may realise.
You're creating a version of him with manifold expectations, he's likely trying to fit into that.

 

[Tom]

I'd encourage him to follow up on investigating whether he is on the spectrum. It that can be determined it may be very helpful to him.

Also sounds like you want to try again with relationship, but he doesn't. So that leaves you one short. Pushing never seems to help in such things, so I'd let it go.

 

[Sloth]

Am I even capable of loving someone, if what I feel is so different then what everyone else seems to describe as love? If I can't reciprocate love on the level other people do, does that mean I am unworthy of having a relationship?

These are some of the questions I ask myself (and I'm an Aspie) and they are a constant worry. I think that maybe your reactions of getting mad might may have reinforced in your ex-BF the impression that he is doing something wrong and is incapable or unworthy of the relationship. He could also have completely other reasons, since all Aspies are different.

I'd say that in a relationship with someone on the Spectrum, it is critical to realize that they might not show or process things the same way you do. It seems like you have already realized that though, and think you would be able to try to deal with it. As for him, it seems like he was seriously affected by the problems in the relationship and the break-up. I don't know if he would be ever willing to try again, but I think that just waiting for him to make the first move will probably result in, just like you said, him never contacting you again.

I'd lean towards the try and check on him every once in a while. Maybe try to explain that you didn't understand before, it wasn't entirely his fault and it doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with him, and that you have changed your expectations and are willing to be more accepting of his needs if he also makes an effort to be accepting of your's. It might take a while for him to understand and accept himself though if he only just started suspecting he might be on the Spectrum.

But yeah, don't push too much if he makes it clear that he has made up his mind.

 

[seerataust]

I definitely wasn't abusive and anger doesn't equal abuse anyways. Anger was a normal emotion to feel considering the circumstances. Is anger viewed as abusive if you're an Aspie?

In any case, I said "anger" only for the sake of simplicity. But I actually felt sadness and disappointment (which caused him to withdraw) followed by confusion and frustration from him withdrawing (and he withdrew further), followed lastly by anger. It was exactly for withdrawing that I broke up with him, since he never told me that he had such severe difficulties processing emotions until after I broke-up with him. From his actions, I could only interpret that he was cold and uncaring...Whether or not he had Asperger's was very relevant to why the relationship ended.

I have not created a "manifold version". I have a Masters of Psychology and had a job working with children's with Asperger's/Autism for 3 years. I am now convinced he has it and he has made an appointment to get assessed

Until I hear otherwise, I will leave him alone then. I don't care about the relationship as much as how he is doing while processing that he might have it.

 

[seerataust]

Thanks to all the posters, a lot of what you said has resonated with me.

I'd encourage him to follow up on investigating whether he is on the spectrum.

He will be following up on it.

your reactions of getting mad might may have reinforced in your ex-BF the impression that he is doing something wrong and is incapable or unworthy of the relationship

Yes, he said this in his own words after we broke-up and I was heart-broken for him. I couldn't have known who he was until he told me... still I feel incredibly awful now. He says he doesn't think he can date anyone ever again.

Maybe try to explain that you didn't understand before, it wasn't entirely his fault and it doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with him, and that you have changed your expectations and are willing to be more accepting of his needs if he also makes an effort to be accepting of your's. It might take a while for him to understand and accept himself though if he only just started suspecting he might be on the Spectrum.

Yes, I said something similar to this but he had JUST realized he was probably on the spectrum, so I don't think he has any idea about the journey he will be going on about who he is as a person right now. I don't want to add to his confusion or stress, but I feel partly responsible. I just want what is best for him.

 

[Sloth]

Yes, I said something similar to this but he had JUST realized he was probably on the spectrum, so I don't think he has any idea about the journey he will be going on about who he is as a person right now. I don't want to add to his confusion or stress, but I feel partly responsible. I just want what is best for him.

Yeah only starting to suspect a diagnosis so late and under such drastic circumstances is something I can relate to a lot. In my case, it only came after I started having stress meltdowns and had to temporarily withdraw from University. It took a long time to re-examine myself and understand, realizing that even though the signs weren't obvious before they had always been there. I hope that he is successful in his journey.

I agree that you can't beat yourself up to much about your reactions. They were completely understandable especially considering you didn't know, sadly a lot of the times we don't even know ourselves well enough or how to express it to others. The fact that you have even made an extra effort to try to understand and help seems to me to indicate that you are kinder and more compassionate than most people would be in the situation.

 

[AO1501]

I definitely wasn't abusive and anger doesn't equal abuse anyways. Anger was a normal emotion to feel considering the circumstances. Is anger viewed as abusive if you're an Aspie?

In any case, I said "anger" only for the sake of simplicity. But I actually felt sadness and disappointment (which caused him to withdraw) followed by confusion and frustration from him withdrawing (and he withdrew further), followed lastly by anger. It was exactly for withdrawing that I broke up with him, since he never told me that he had such severe difficulties processing emotions until after I broke-up with him. From his actions, I could only interpret that he was cold and uncaring...Whether or not he had Asperger's was very relevant to why the relationship ended.

I have not created a "manifold version". I have a Masters of Psychology and had a job working with children's with Asperger's/Autism for 3 years. I am now convinced he has it and he has made an appointment to get assessed

Until I hear otherwise, I will leave him alone then. I don't care about the relationship as much as how he is doing while processing that he might have it.

Anger wouldn't necessarily be regarded as abusive to an Aspie - I think for many it might just be confusing and poorly understood as a reaction because in itself, anger makes no sense.

What you are describing as the action->reaction cycle is a human problem, not an NT or Aspie one. Where it damages a relationship in which an Aspie is involved is that we will often find reactive behaviours puzzling or incomprehensible, or might interpret it in ways that were not intended, and which then look like an escalation of the issue to the other person.

And while you clearly have experience of working with children on the spectrum, that likely won't help you much, or at all, in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie adult. Growing up and living an adult life undiagnosed creates a whole raft of complex behavioural and masking issues which can make it very hard to determine or predict our behaviours and processes.

However, it is good that you are looking to support him through his assessment. I wish someone had done that for me!!

 

[VJCJ0628]

Ok, I had found out that I have Aspergers After my second son was born with autism (LFA) which lead me to research which lead me too realize that I have Aspergers 100%, Which lead me to this site

Once I got here, I went on a trip within my own mind, everything in the past my childhood past relationships, Past hurts past hurts past Loses

I just relieved everything, It was an emotional rollercoaster,

In addition to that, I am sure with the breakup more emotion

Plus you introduced it to him = embarrassed.

If you Love him I would be there for him, but not push too much on this subject till he can process it, It took me a good month to process and I didn't have the added stress of just going through the breakup or the embarrassment of that person introducing it to me

I am not saying you did anything wrong from your perspective from what you knew at the time you did right,

However, he will most likely need some time to get a hold of his emotion to get his perspective back and then there is the embarrassment to overcome as well

Its a tough situation could take time and much patience

 

[Loren]

I have a dx of AS/HFA (in case it is of value to know in the following regard) and, what has helped me further understand myself and others along the way, is the knowledge and understanding of alexithymia that I have aquired. It has clarified a great deal for me, and has provided me with a broader perspective, and the ability to communicate more effectively with others with varying dimensions of alexithymia, and in general. I possess some elements of alexithymia, but, it is not part of my diagnosis, although it is prominent in ASD, and particularly, AS. Best wishes to both, you and your friend.

 

[seerataust]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and support

sadly a lot of the times we don't even know ourselves well enough or how to express it to others.

Yes, I realized this a bit too late too Thank you for your replies, they have been really enlightening.

And while you clearly have experience of working with children on the spectrum, that likely won't help you much, or at all, in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie adult.

It sounds like you are saying that I am ill-prepared to be in a relationship with someone with Asperger's? You could be right, I don't know much about Aspie adults outside of what I learned in textbooks and this relationship.

If you Love him I would be there for him, but not push too much on this subject till he can process it, It took me a good month to process and I didn't have the added stress of just going through the breakup or the embarrassment of that person introducing it to me

I am not saying you did anything wrong from your perspective from what you knew at the time you did right,

However, he will most likely need some time to get a hold of his emotion to get his perspective back and then there is the embarrassment to overcome as well

Ok great, this is what I normally do so I agree with you and Sloth that I will be there for him as a friend and hopefully he feels better in a few months. I do feel really bad that the break-up and Aspie thing happened at the same time. Hopefully he doesn't feel too embarrassed.

what has helped me further understand myself and others along the way, is the knowledge and understanding of alexithymia that I have aquired.

Thank you, I will look into this

 

[AO1501]

It sounds like you are saying that I am ill-prepared to be in a relationship with someone with Asperger's? You could be right, I don't know much about Aspie adults outside of what I learned in textbooks and this relationship.

Not at all. What I am saying is beware that your experiences with children on the spectrum may not help you as much as you might imagine because as time has passed, your Aspie adult has gone through life trying to adapt to a world that he doesn't fit, so in many ways, those adaptions and the masking he will likely have been on the way to mastering, will disguise much and make it harder to see the 'symptoms', or even help misinterpret them.

The fact that you have a background working with children on the spectrum, and a professional background in psychology would help enormously however in your interest in researching the issues you and he face.

I think most are ill-prepared for a relationship with an Aspie (even other Aspies, perhaps), but those willing to learn have a far better chance of making a success of it than those who don't.

Best of luck to you!