Hi, thank you, and thank you in advance

[Cecile]

Hi everyone,

I am an NT ex girlfriend/friend of an undiagnosed Aspie man who has chosen to hide/ deny it. I really and genuinely loved him, wanted to adapt to the situation and see things beyond my NT perspective. But I guess it just couldn't work without some acknowledgement on his part... After lurking around here for over a year, and learning so much, I decided to join because I really need more advice and insight to deal with the situation we are now in. (We had managed to keep a good friendship between the attempts at a closer relationship, but the last attempt has put a toll on it... Since we are both involved in community groups, we have remained in contact to some extent, and things are difficult, to say the least... But I will post about that in the proper thread ;-) ) Who knows, maybe I can be helpful too, once in a while ;-)

You all make this forum a great precious source of information and insight for many autistic adults and their loved ones. Here where I live, there are very few resources for/about autistic adults, so a site like this one and contributors like you are precious.

 

[wyverary]

I'm really glad you've found this site helpful. And I'm also glad you've realized that AS can be a reason, but not an excuse, and that you've realized that it's okay to let go to a certain extent. I wish you both the best.

wyv

 

[Moomingirl]

Hi Cecile, welcome.

I hope we can help you. I suggest you have a read through the forums, and if you have any specific questions just ask.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

It's always good to see NTs being supportive of us. As you have been here for some time, I'll assume you know your way around by now, but I'll add a few links below, just in case.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Different Together: Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

Tony Attwood: Home

 

[Melissa Kay]

Welcome. I am glad that you've joined. I have found so much support and friendship here, especially when interacting with others here and posting threads, etc. It's a great site, as you already know. Feel free to message me if you have anything I can help you with. I am an aspie woman 34, self-diagnosed but going to a doctor soon to get an official diagnosis. Good luck.

 

[Cecile]

Welcome

It's always good to see NTs being supportive of us. As you have been here for some time, I'll assume you know your way around by now, but I'll add a few links below, just in case.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Different Together: Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

Tony Attwood: Home

Thank you for the welcoming words so far. Although I have been reading Tony Atwood and Maxine Aston (book), I don't think I had been on the Different Together website yet. I just saw there a testimonial that really hit home! That one where a NT wife says that in the beginning of her relationship with her Aspie husband, it was a more carefree period, things were going good, until life in general brought on more stress and responsibilities, and she didn't understand his reactions. On a smaller scale, I have been through a similar pattern. When our relationship first began, it was Summer (time off), the second attempt he made was during Christmas Holidays (time off), then Summer again (...).Things would always seem ok for the first few dates over the course of, say, 2 weeks, then the reality of going back to work and other obligations (none related to me/the relationship) would hit, and he would "change". He would act more distant, intolerant to any form of touching, react really intensely to triggers (from lights/sound during a show to a comment misinterpreted as "against him", etc.).

Many things he told me about his life in the recent years involve stress/tension and coping strategies, yet he says he is calm and does not "feel" the stress (until the build-up is too much...) Apparently, it started manifesting itself all of a sudden during the relationship he had before me. Since it re-occurred with me and I was "not at all like her" (said he), he came to the conclusion that he could not handle a relationship anymore although he "wanted" to. (Due to the fact that he does not ackowledge AS, he "explains" his sensory sensitivities and other traits with psychoanalysis. I know not all Aspies agree on that, but I can't help but think that ackowledging at least to himself would be beneficial to him. It would be better than saying he "has a problem, is complicated", etc. It would give him access to information and insights like what you share here...)

 

[Ste11aeres]

Due to the fact that he does not ackowledge AS, he "explains" his sensory sensitivities and other traits with psychoanalysis. I know not all Aspies agree on that, but I can't help but think that ackowledging at least to himself would be beneficial to him. It would be better than saying he "has a problem, is complicated", etc. It would give him access to information and insights like what you share here...

I think most of us would definitely agree with you on this.
Recognising our AS has helped many of the members here in their own lives, and this recognition has led to us finding others with AS, which again led many of us to a deeper understanding of AS and therefore of one's self.
I searched many psychological schools of thought, prior to realizing I had Aspergers. The things I read were interesting, yes, but only my research in to Aspergers lit the spark that made everything fall into place. (mixed analogy, sorry).
Of course, when it's a matter of another person who is unwilling to acknowledge this possibility, there is only so much you can do, but it is cool that you yourself are accessing this "information and insights"

 

[Vanilla]

Thank you for the welcoming words so far. Although I have been reading Tony Atwood and Maxine Aston (book), I don't think I had been on the Different Together website yet. I just saw there a testimonial that really hit home! That one where a NT wife says that in the beginning of her relationship with her Aspie husband, it was a more carefree period, things were going good, until life in general brought on more stress and responsibilities, and she didn't understand his reactions. On a smaller scale, I have been through a similar pattern. When our relationship first began, it was Summer (time off), the second attempt he made was during Christmas Holidays (time off), then Summer again (...).Things would always seem ok for the first few dates over the course of, say, 2 weeks, then the reality of going back to work and other obligations (none related to me/the relationship) would hit, and he would "change". He would act more distant, intolerant to any form of touching, react really intensely to triggers (from lights/sound during a show to a comment misinterpreted as "against him", etc.).

Many things he told me about his life in the recent years involve stress/tension and coping strategies, yet he says he is calm and does not "feel" the stress (until the build-up is too much...) Apparently, it started manifesting itself all of a sudden during the relationship he had before me. Since it re-occurred with me and I was "not at all like her" (said he), he came to the conclusion that he could not handle a relationship anymore although he "wanted" to. (Due to the fact that he does not ackowledge AS, he "explains" his sensory sensitivities and other traits with psychoanalysis. I know not all Aspies agree on that, but I can't help but think that ackowledging at least to himself would be beneficial to him. It would be better than saying he "has a problem, is complicated", etc. It would give him access to information and insights like what you share here...)

I'm glad the link was helpful. I wish I could offer some advice here for you, but I feel I do not relate too well with his situation, as I've always been more open as a person. I do feel that this may perhaps explain his "sudden mood swing" a bit more clearly though: Feeling Forever | AspiesCentral.com

 

[Cali Cat]

... a NT wife says that in the beginning of her relationship with her Aspie husband, it was a more carefree period, things were going good, until life in general brought on more stress and responsibilities, and she didn't understand his reactions.

Yes, I experienced this with my late husband who was an Aspie. Of course, I did sort of understand it because I'm an Aspie, too, but I was struggling with my own issues. Neither of us knew about AS at the time, and neither of us were diagnosed officially.

... then the reality of going back to work and other obligations (none related to me/the relationship) would hit, and he would "change" ...

That sounds just like my late husband too. You hit the nail on the head there. It's the reality sinking in that he will have to go back to doing battle again.

... he came to the conclusion that he could not handle a relationship anymore although he "wanted" to ...

Not to be a downer, but he may not be able to. He may actually want to, but he can't handle all the pressures he feels. It may not even be pressure you are putting on him. Most likely they are things he thinks he should be doing, saying, feeling that he can't because he's too stressed out from other responsibilities. He may be feeling he's not good enough for you.

You're right though. He'd probably be much better off if he could get as much information as possible about his condition and be honest with himself about it.

Good luck to you both.

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard and good luck to you and your guy.

Best wishes.

 

[StephF]

Hello there Cecile

 

[Cecile]

I'm glad the link was helpful. I wish I could offer some advice here for you, but I feel I do not relate too well with his situation, as I've always been more open as a person. I do feel that this may perhaps explain his "sudden mood swing" a bit more clearly though: Feeling Forever | AspiesCentral.com

Oh! I remember seeing that thread before when lurking around here at least the beginning with the 1 to 10 "rating". I sure had opportunities to see it happen. Basically, when he would seem highly upset, by the time I would be at the peak of my reaction, he would be back to neutral. He would then be thinking that if I was still upset, it was because I was purposedly holding on to my negative feeling as a retaliation. And me, I would be thinking he had some nerve, acting as if I was the overreacting one... Being aware of the difference helped but wasn't always enough to prevent the hurt/ frustration.

 

[Cecile]

Yes, I experienced this with my late husband who was an Aspie. Of course, I did sort of understand it because I'm an Aspie, too, but I was struggling with my own issues. Neither of us knew about AS at the time, and neither of us were diagnosed officially.

(...)

Good luck to you both.

Thank you very much. Your answer is very enlightening, since you pretty much can see from both sides, being an Aspie and having been married to one. You are right about the pressure. He even said that he knew I was not putting pressure but that he was feeling some anyway. You are nice wishing us good luck, but I don't think there is any left, even as friends. On the one hand, I beat myself up for damaging the friendship. On the other hand, I can't pretend forever that things don't bother me when they do. If it were up to him, we would have kept chatting online every day, he would share all his whereabouts and thoughts and worries, saying good night when he goes to bed... It was like that after the first and second "breakups", like he wanted to keep the level of special attention/validation/support that you get only from your significant other, but discard "the rest of the relationship". I sort of gave him that, but it was not healthy for me. It maintained an illusion of closeness that didn't exist in real life. (To be honest, at times I felt like dating me in real life had been a compromise for him to have the virtual relationship/attention... And that was not a really good feeling to have.) This time I made it very clear that he cannot occupy in the virtual a place that he doesn't want in reality (hence his "want" vs "be able" comment).

 

[Vanilla]

Oh! I remember seeing that thread before when lurking around here at least the beginning with the 1 to 10 "rating". I sure had opportunities to see it happen. Basically, when he would seem highly upset, by the time I would be at the peak of my reaction, he would be back to neutral. He would then be thinking that if I was still upset, it was because I was purposedly holding on to my negative feeling as a retaliation. And me, I would be thinking he had some nerve, acting as if I was the overreacting one... Being aware of the difference helped but wasn't always enough to prevent the hurt/ frustration.

Aw, that's a shame.

 

[Cali Cat]

I can't pretend forever that things don't bother me when they do. If it were up to him, we would have kept chatting online every day, he would share all his whereabouts and thoughts and worries, saying good night when he goes to bed... It was like that after the first and second "breakups", like he wanted to keep the level of special attention/validation/support that you get only from your significant other, but discard "the rest of the relationship".

Yes, someone else said somewhere (I don't know if it was in this thread) AS is a reason, but it's not an excuse. I can see where he's attempting to use you. Not that he realizes he's using you though. It's just his attempt to satisfy his needs as best he can. It's up to you not to let yourself be used. So, if you are foregoing the relationship, it's probably for the best. It sounds like he needs to work out a lot of his own issues before he's ready to make a commitment to anybody else. Take care of yourself, and best wishes.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Yes, someone else said somewhere (I don't know if it was in this thread) AS is a reason, but it's not an excuse. I can see where he's attempting to use you. Not that he realizes he's using you though. It's just his attempt to satisfy his needs as best he can. It's up to you not to let yourself be used. So, if you are foregoing the relationship, it's probably for the best. It sounds like he needs to work out a lot of his own issues before he's ready to make a commitment to anybody else. Take care of yourself, and best wishes.

aw....... I agree with what she said.............. I'm so sorry?????? it's simply my perceptive? Maybe I don't fully understand???? but, one time, In my experience, this Borderline Personality sufferer neglect me, would NOT let me go, he keeps/kept on trying to date me for YEARS, a decade even.
I am not sure how Aspie I truly am....... I understand that I don't want, I don't fit in the bar and party scene. I accept that. My therapist loves to say "What is normal? Define normal." so, there is this spectrum , I imagine. I'm human, I exist, I'm just a different way of being. I am so happy to find this community forum of friends who also a bit different. but all human. I don't exactly feel that I suffer from this? It's been going on all my life. I guess I adjust? Is that bad to say? I have this child like hope that has not been crushed yet. (oh,I've been called multiple diagnosis names that , Aspie would be one of the "nicer" names to call me.) I'm often happy? Don't let it get you down? You are a beautiful caring kind human! It's difficult to hear, maybe, you should

Let it go.......... If it was meant be........

I have different past experience of abuse/neglect though. I'm sorry. I might be wrong advice.

I like/love/crush on this OTHER guy (who like me first! HE might have autism!) I'm all confused too!

 

[Cecile]

aw....... I agree with what she said.............. I'm so sorry?????? it's simply my perceptive? Maybe I don't fully understand???? (...)

Let it go.......... If it was meant be........

I wish you the best for your situation too... Don't be sorry! I definitely think that Cali Cat is right -- in fact, she seems to understand him much better than he understands himself. Just to make my perspective more clear: it obviously was never meant to be... But I have to deal with his tendancy to go back to his old chatting habits with me, and "unconsciously use me" (if I may say so) when stressed out/frustrated, in such a way that his stress/frustration seem *directed at me*... (Due to volunteering/involvement in local community groups, we have to work together and be in contact to some extent, so that provides opportunities for the chatting to happen...)