Hi there undiagnosed looking for answers

[M11]

Here’s a little about me and why I first thought I had ADHD after researching for 6 months it could be a dual diagnosis with Autism. I know I feel different but traits either overlap or contradict each other so I’m not sure what diagnosis I should be looking into properly if anyone could help.

Just looking for some advice on wether it’s possible I could have Autism/ADHD that I have masked my whole life through to adulthood that is possibly been masked through above average IQ 125+

This is not me stating I’m smarter than anyone else I’ve achieved almost nothing in my life until the past year. High school dropout, 1st girlfriend (27 years old)… entry level job 13 years until recently I’ve had a new boss who really understands me and has built me up and I could be possibly getting my 3rd promotion in 1 year (fast tracked it seems). I’ve finally moved out for the first time 30+ years. With all this happening at once I’ve been questioning why? And been really looking into self discovery the past 6 months+ I first thought it could be ADHD now I’m thinking a possible combination ???

*Since moving from my childhood home 3years ago/ then moving out 7 months ago I haven’t signed up to a new doctors. I went a few months ago during time off and couldn’t find my passport so just haven’t gotten around to it. My partner pushes me to get signed up but to me it’s never been that big of a deal.

*I now commute 1hour train journey to work if the train is too full and I have people sitting opposite me I never know where to look and start to get overwhelmed I try and hone in on looking at my phone the whole journey. Also on a train journey recently my headphones died and a gentleman a few rows back had a YouTube video playing out loud the whole way. I could just not concentrate and the frustration I had with that gentleman not being quiet, my partner stated that’s not something I should be getting so frustrated over.

*I occasionally go on a night out with employees one stated to me “we think you’re the best manager, you just tell us what to do and are just so awkward when trying to make small talk when first meeting it’s nice” I’ve never thought I was awkward until I heard that comment.

*after reading and re-reading all the traits I don’t fit the bill I’m not making eye contact. I’m known to just stare at people without looking away I’ve been making a real conscious effort recently in 1 on 1 conversations to look away at some point but I really need to think about doing it.

*my partner has always had an issue with my lack of PDA and how I don’t comfort her like other peoples partners do I’ve now come to realise this could be a symptom.

*Sensitivity if my partner touches me lightly in areas like the side of my body etc I have to shove her hand off it just doesn’t feel nice I think it comes off as a bit blunt to her. For instance if she makes the dog voice to her dogs “high pitched” it makes me cover my ears sometimes as it’s unbearable along with if we’re in an argument and I feel like I can’t get my point across or I’ve already explained my point but to her I haven’t and she keeps prodding and prodding I get so frustrated I cover my ears leaving the room to try and leave the conversation to receive a “why are you covering your ears” response. I’ve had 2 major anger (frustration) outbursts and it’s been in the past 7 months since we’ve moved out and I always feel so guilty afterwards but never know how to apologise so she normally comes back to break the Ice first. which she also brings up after arguments saying it’s always her putting the effort in I just wish I could but something blocks me.

there’s so much more I can add if this is at all relate able to anyone??

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Certainly relatable.

Have you taken any of the autism tests available on-line? AQ test, RAADS-R, etc?

 

[M11]

Hi thank you for replying

So I’ve taken a test for ADHD and I get quite high scoring but for autism it’s around the 50% mark but I have to say the autism questionnaire is very confusing as I’m an extroverted introvert (In work I get along with everyone not necessarily in depth conversations but brief acknowledgment chats but I seem to crash once I get home and don’t be as chatty I just want to research ADHD/autism/Asperger’s/quora “occasionally getting the bet you’re not this blunt in work” from my partner as she gets my fatigued personality a lot) so it’s hard to answer them so I’ll usually tick the answer I know in my head that isn’t autism related as I don’t want to seem to be bias.

My boss who has built me up I assume they could be on the spectrum ADHD very high IQ I had a chat with them to express what I was feeling and they told me what websites to research. I applied for a promotion at another site recently but backed out before the interview stage maybe because I was scared??? I’ve passed every test for jobs I’ve applied (considering I’ve only got all C GCSE’s) for banking, graduate jobs only to fail at the final hurdle 1 on 1 interviews I’ve never passed one.

I’ve had 2 promotions with my current manager at the same site which I didn’t get interviewed for. Anyway I’ve got an interview this week for a new site but they set up a zoom call with me to get to know 1 boss before hand and they sent me in the next week for a 1 hour site tour with the site manager and they also emailed me all the prep questions so I know what to expect. Upon researching about interview support for neurodiversity all these options came up
•meeting people first so it’s not new people
•getting to see the site first so it’s not a new place
•allowing questions in advance so they know what to expect

so now I’m wondering wether my boss has any idea or it’s just a coincidence? Sorry about information overload but I’ve never got any of this off my chest as I don’t know who to talk to as my partner or family would never think there’s a chance of me being autistic they have no idea about it.

 

[tree]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

From your writing with a life trajectory and other information, it certainly sounds like a high possibility of ASD. Check on the tests Neonatal RRT suggests. I was not diagnosed until 60, and growing up when Autism was rarely diagnosed I received no help because people thought me normal because of my intelligence. I lived independently at 25 and this helped me considerably as I started working on being social. I learned to advocate for myself. I had my first date ever that same year and at 27 my first longer term relationship. I was learning to see what I liked in a companion at the same time as learning to be attentive and affectionate. I liked that. Then, without expecting it, I met my future spouse at 28, whose values, character and interests I found desirable. We have been together for 44 years. You can practice good communication in your relationship. It is very important keeping that open in your relationship.

 

[M11]

From your writing with a life trajectory and other information, it certainly sounds like a high possibility of ASD. Check on the tests Neonaral RRT suggests. I was not diagnosed until 60, and growing up when Autism was rarely diagnosed I received no help because people thought me normal because of my intelligence. I lived independently at 25 and this helped me considerably as I started working on being social. I learned to advocate for myself. I had my first date ever that same year and at 27 my first longer term relationship. I was learning to see what I liked in a companion at the same time as learning to be attentive and affectionate. I liked that. Then, without expecting it, I met my future spouse at 28, whose values, character and interests I found desirable. We have been together for 44 years. You can practice good communication in your relationship. It is very important keeping that open in your relationship.

Thank you for response I’ll look into those tests I know it’s all on the same spectrum now but I scored highest in the Aspie test and was quite convincingly and on the RAAD test but I was extremely borderline on AQ

side note: through looking into my own journey my brother could also possibly fit the mold he’s in his middle 30’s extremely introverted doesn’t leave the house apart from work, he’s only been out on 3 social occasions in the past 10 years. Was told he had dyslexia and really struggled in school but was the brightest in our family at math.

we don’t really speak much even after 30 years of living together before I moved out this year. I wonder how I could get him to start researching to improve his quality of life (addictive personality but doesn’t socialise with anyone at all)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you for response I’ll look into those tests I know it’s all on the same spectrum now but I scored highest in the Aspie test and was quite convincingly and on the RAAD test but I was extremely borderline on AQ

side note: through looking into my own journey my brother could also possibly fit the mold he’s in his middle 30’s extremely introverted doesn’t leave the house apart from work, he’s only been out on 3 social occasions in the past 10 years. Was told he had dyslexia and really struggled in school but was the brightest in our family at math.

we don’t really speak much even after 30 years of living together before I moved out this year. I wonder how I could get him to start researching to improve his quality of life (addictive personality but doesn’t socialise with anyone at all)

I think that drive to improve one's quality of life must come from within. For me it was understanding that I harbored the same desires as my peers yet did not have the social maturity to see them met. So, in order to attain a goal of having companionship and an intimate relationship with a woman, I really needed to work on myself.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[M11]

I think that drive to improve one's quality of life must come from within. For me it was understanding that I harbored the same desires as my peers yet did not have the social maturity to see them met. So, in order to attain a goal of having companionship and an intimate relationship with a woman, I really needed to work on myself.

I guess you’re right it’s definitely an innate drive I had a meltdown at 27 hit rock bottom and my life has gone from strength to strength since. Also I agree with the maturity aspect as I’ve always been immature and also look very young for my age 31 but look about 24 my partner is 23 and probably more mature than me (trainee doctor) but has helped we stay on track over the last few years through my ups and downs or when I stray off track.

May I ask how you went about getting an assessment? Was it a private assessment?

 

[Shamar]

Here’s a little about me and why I first thought I had ADHD after researching for 6 months it could be a dual diagnosis with Autism. I know I feel different but traits either overlap or contradict each other so I’m not sure what diagnosis I should be looking into properly if anyone could help.

Just looking for some advice on wether it’s possible I could have Autism/ADHD that I have masked my whole life through to adulthood that is possibly been masked through above average IQ 125+

This is not me stating I’m smarter than anyone else I’ve achieved almost nothing in my life until the past year. High school dropout, 1st girlfriend (27 years old)… entry level job 13 years until recently I’ve had a new boss who really understands me and has built me up and I could be possibly getting my 3rd promotion in 1 year (fast tracked it seems). I’ve finally moved out for the first time 30+ years. With all this happening at once I’ve been questioning why? And been really looking into self discovery the past 6 months+ I first thought it could be ADHD now I’m thinking a possible combination ???

*Since moving from my childhood home 3years ago/ then moving out 7 months ago I haven’t signed up to a new doctors. I went a few months ago during time off and couldn’t find my passport so just haven’t gotten around to it. My partner pushes me to get signed up but to me it’s never been that big of a deal.

*I now commute 1hour train journey to work if the train is too full and I have people sitting opposite me I never know where to look and start to get overwhelmed I try and hone in on looking at my phone the whole journey. Also on a train journey recently my headphones died and a gentleman a few rows back had a YouTube video playing out loud the whole way. I could just not concentrate and the frustration I had with that gentleman not being quiet, my partner stated that’s not something I should be getting so frustrated over.

*I occasionally go on a night out with employees one stated to me “we think you’re the best manager, you just tell us what to do and are just so awkward when trying to make small talk when first meeting it’s nice” I’ve never thought I was awkward until I heard that comment.

*after reading and re-reading all the traits I don’t fit the bill I’m not making eye contact. I’m known to just stare at people without looking away I’ve been making a real conscious effort recently in 1 on 1 conversations to look away at some point but I really need to think about doing it.

*my partner has always had an issue with my lack of PDA and how I don’t comfort her like other peoples partners do I’ve now come to realise this could be a symptom.

*Sensitivity if my partner touches me lightly in areas like the side of my body etc I have to shove her hand off it just doesn’t feel nice I think it comes off as a bit blunt to her. For instance if she makes the dog voice to her dogs “high pitched” it makes me cover my ears sometimes as it’s unbearable along with if we’re in an argument and I feel like I can’t get my point across or I’ve already explained my point but to her I haven’t and she keeps prodding and prodding I get so frustrated I cover my ears leaving the room to try and leave the conversation to receive a “why are you covering your ears” response. I’ve had 2 major anger (frustration) outbursts and it’s been in the past 7 months since we’ve moved out and I always feel so guilty afterwards but never know how to apologise so she normally comes back to break the Ice first. which she also brings up after arguments saying it’s always her putting the effort in I just wish I could but something blocks me.

there’s so much more I can add if this is at all relate able to anyone??

Sounds like autism is a possibility. One thing to consider is that you may have both. ADD seems to occur at a higher rate rate with autism than the general population, Many here have both, including me.

I think everyone here has masked at one time or another. Sometimes it is necessary just to survive. It is also a strain pretending to be someone you are not. Recognize when you are masking, and try to limit it to only when necessary.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I guess you’re right it’s definitely an innate drive I had a meltdown at 27 hit rock bottom and my life has gone from strength to strength since. Also I agree with the maturity aspect as I’ve always been immature and also look very young for my age 31 but look about 24 my partner is 23 and probably more mature than me (trainee doctor) but has helped we stay on track over the last few years through my ups and downs or when I stray off track.

May I ask how you went about getting an assessment? Was it a private assessment?

Because the way I'd have meltdowns when my inner map and reality did not match, I finally did some searching and tried some of the online tests, though my spouse thought that I was aspie already. So I looked in my area and there is a group that works with autism and I got a private assessment. That was at age 60. More recently I have been having some not so nice anger issues when reminded of the social and sexual isolation as a teen and young adult. PTSD from that perceived trauma. Now at my age and with an autism diagnosis, Medicare is picking up the tab. I have a therapist who also works with vets, using CPT, cognitive processing therapy. I have been progressing, learning how I told myself lies trying to explain what was happening to me when I couldn't understand the social. When I was able to transcend that, those lies remained within my psyche to cause mischief that I am now dealing with.

I am happy that you are going from strength to strength. As you understand yourself better you may be better at keeping an even strain. I was lucky that my work was always in technical disciplines I excelled at, and as I became more adept at working with people, I was sought after for projects. Now, having planned for retirement, life is good. I still do work in the community, like being on the planning commission, and enjoy it.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive.

 

[M11]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and the positive words!

I’m not at the point in life to afford a private assessment with renting and commuting and my partner in full time placement studying to be a physician associate. Also it seems a lot of money to pay while I still doubt myself but I guess continuing to do research and finding this community will help a lot.

 

[Richelle-H]

I believe you will find many kindred souls on this site. I have been through some of what you describe and was into my 40s before losing all my self-doubt and timidity. I was not even aware I was blessed with Asperger's until that same decade. I think we all have expectations of ourselves based on those of others and that can sometimes confuse as well as inflame self-doubt and occasionally despair. Honest emotional communication can also be lacking. We can be somewhat blind to cues that others have no problem with, even after a great deal of time and effort to correct that.

Welcome to the site and may it be a place of information as well as one of comfort.

 

[Sunny1]

Welcome to the autism forums. I hope that you learn an lot by being here!

 

[M11]

Woke up at 04:50am it’s now 05:35am I can’t get back to sleep my mind is buzzing after reading all your lovely reply’s (I can hear the clock ticking as loud as I ever have before I.e staying at my parents house over the weekend)

I feel relieved to finally get all of this off my chest that has built up over the years, I just wish I had the confidence to say some of this in person to my partner, family or boss. I just don’t think it would be acknowledged well as I’m still doubtful after all this research. I think they would probably just think I’m crazy.

 

[Thinx]

I am not sure what you were saying about eye contact, but staring at people and not looking away does count as having an issue with eye contact. As it is not ordinary eye contact. Do you do it while talking with them? In neurotypical eye contact people glance and look away, look back in short bursts, rather than stare fixedly. Were you encouraged to make eye contact, as a child?

I wouldn't advise discussing this with wider family or friends while you feel so uncertain, it may be better to pick someone who is generally sympathetic to you and who may know you well over sometime, to discuss this with if you want to. On the whole most people don't know much about autism, and would tend to dismiss it, as they think of more extreme symptoms. Also, it does cover a wide range, and people with ASD1/Aspergers are often functioning in the world as unusual but in work and bright.

For example, I met someone briefly recently who was described as having Autism, 2 relatives with them were briefly enquiring about the person engaging with a project as a volunteer, the person clearly had some other issues too, such as learning disabilities. It was mentioned that the person is always accompanied by 2 people. Even relatives and carers don't necessarily understand, or mention, what is autism and what are comorbid conditions.

ASD1 often shows itself most in difficulties with social communication, making friends and fitting in with neurotypical norms. I have done tons of therapy, and am a therapist, however I still can't do unstructured social interaction, it's rather a blank for me.

Work interactions tend to be more structured or semi structured, we usually have a joint goal or goals and procedures for work, and at work it is often easier to function than in unstructured social interaction. So if I go to an event, such as a poetry reading, I would typically sit alone, not interact much with others, then go home. Whereas at work I would greet people, have discussions about ongoing work, attend meetings and so on.

I hope you can get more ideas from being here and joining in threads to discuss your experience of things. It's good that you are here.

 

[M11]

I am not sure what you were saying about eye contact, but staring at people and not looking away does count as having an issue with eye contact. As it is not ordinary eye contact. Do you do it while talking with them? In neurotypical eye contact people glance and look away, look back in short bursts, rather than stare fixedly. Were you encouraged to make eye contact, as a child?

I wouldn't advise discussing this with wider family or friends while you feel so uncertain, it may be better to pick someone who is generally sympathetic to you and who may know you well over sometime, to discuss this with if you want to. On the whole most people don't know much about autism, and would tend to dismiss it, as they think of more extreme symptoms. Also, it does cover a wide range, and people with ASD1/Aspergers are often functioning in the world as unusual but in work and bright.

For example, I met someone briefly recently who was described as having Autism, 2 relatives with them were briefly enquiring about the person engaging with a project as a volunteer, the person clearly had some other issues too, such as learning disabilities. It was mentioned that the person is always accompanied by 2 people. Even relatives and carers don't necessarily understand, or mention, what is autism and what are comorbid conditions.

ASD1 often shows itself most in difficulties with social communication, making friends and fitting in with neurotypical norms. I have done tons of therapy, and am a therapist, however I still can't do unstructured social interaction, it's rather a blank for me.

Work interactions tend to be more structured or semi structured, we usually have a joint goal or goals and procedures for work, and at work it is often easier to function than in unstructured social interaction. So if I go to an event, such as a poetry reading, I would typically sit alone, not interact much with others, then go home. Whereas at work I would greet people, have discussions about ongoing work, attend meetings and so on.

I hope you can get more ideas from being here and joining in threads to discuss your experience of things. It's good that you are here.

Hi, thank you for your in depth reply.

So I have more of a fixed stare yes but I’ve never realised I actually done this until I started my research maybe know I subconsciously look into my actions a lot more. For instance in recent 1 on 1 conversations I’ll notice the person has looked away 3 times or more while I’ve just continued to stare so then I’ll make a conscious effort to look away and look back.

This is where it gets tricky I can’t really remember all the finer details from childhood like ‘how I specifically used to act, if I got asked to make eye contact. So some questions on the quizzes are quite difficult as it seems as I’m just having to guess the child good ones.

I do remember I was always outside the class room a lot! I was never a kid with bad intentions though maybe just excitable. I was in a gifted and talented class in year 5/6 with magnets and robotics and I used to hate clothing tags a lot of the rest is a blur.

I agree with the work comment though I’m always a lot more social able but it’s more just touching base conversations or in depth technical conversations in work which I really enjoy. I suppose at home my spouse probably thinks I’m a lot less sociable because Ive been researching a lot about ASD/ADHD but when she asks what I’m doing I’m very vague/blunt “just reading”… What are you reading?.. “oh nothing really” as I don’t feel comfortable in breaching the topic with her just yet.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Hi, thank you for your in depth reply.

So I have more of a fixed stare yes but I’ve never realised I actually done this until I started my research maybe know I subconsciously look into my actions a lot more. For instance in recent 1 on 1 conversations I’ll notice the person has looked away 3 times or more while I’ve just continued to stare so then I’ll make a conscious effort to look away and look back.

This is where it gets tricky I can’t really remember all the finer details from childhood like ‘how I specifically used to act, if I got asked to make eye contact. So some questions on the quizzes are quite difficult as it seems as I’m just having to guess the child good ones.

I do remember I was always outside the class room a lot! I was never a kid with bad intentions though maybe just excitable. I was in a gifted and talented class in year 5/6 with magnets and robotics and I used to hate clothing tags a lot of the rest is a blur.

I agree with the work comment though I’m always a lot more social able but it’s more just touching base conversations or in depth technical conversations in work which I really enjoy. I suppose at home my spouse probably thinks I’m a lot less sociable because Ive been researching a lot about ASD/ADHD but when she asks what I’m doing I’m very vague/blunt “just reading”… What are you reading?.. “oh nothing really” as I don’t feel comfortable in breaching the topic with her just yet.

I would not doubt that if your partner has helped you with your ups and downs, she may already suspect that you are autistic. My spouse who supervised special education programs would refer to me as her aspie guy, and I took it as a joke for the longest time, but then started looking into the possibility. My spouse has been very supportive of my therapy. I hope you can communicate with your partner and especially thank her for helping you. Communication is so important in a close relationship.

Wishing the best for you and your spouse.