Shenandoah
Active Member
Hi All.
I am a male pushing 50s. I don't have an official diagnosis, but I am fairly certain I have Aspergers. This all came about fairly recently when my son got diagnosed with a mix of things, one of them a spectrum condition too. We suspected that before as well as his teachers and at some point it was made official after a very thorough work up done by a child psychologist.
This has prompted me to look at myself trough a new lense.
I have always been something of a misfit, never quite connecting with people. I can see the subtleties of human expression but often don't quite know what to do with them. My emphatic response is really odd, very delayed at best. Relating to people is basically difficult. I understand logically what is expected and play along without feeling much. Later on, perhaps a day or more later it hits me, usually when I am far away from the whole thing. And that's generally the thing...most of my emotions are like this, almost always undecipherable and manifesting in the form of anxiety that just comes up with no explanation.
I can't maintain eye contact. Looking into person's eyes just feels too much. It almost hurts to do that.
In the past I have done a 5 year stretch of therapy in regards to my extreme anxiety. The therapist kept asking what I am feeling or thinking in those difficult moments and I always always came up with one answer "I don't know. I don't feel or think anything in particular".
I have a feeling that he was trying to find a repressed trauma. But he never succeeded during this ample period of time. There have been no events in my past that qualify as excessively traumatic, but I feel that I have been though all the wars in the world. Anyways, that was a complete failure and I stopped seeing the therapist being no better off than when I started. He never as much as suggested Aspergers or anything like that. Just a bunch of generic feel-good-about-yourself bs.
My anxiety has always been related to two things: social interaction as well as certain configurations of sensory input. For example, a large mall during lunch hour. I literally can't stand all the visuals and noice coming at me from 360 degrees. It's hard to me to drive on multi-lane highways, but I do really well on fast rural roads. The speed of travel is really almost the same as on the freeway and there's no divider with opposing traffic zipping by close at a combined speed, but I have no problems with that as opposed to a 3-5 lane freeway where I experience extreme anxiety. I attribute it to the wider information field on the freeway as opposed to a country road where the sensory input is almost tunnel- like.
Can't sit at a dinner table with people on the left and right of me trying to have a cross conversation. I have to narrow the sensory field and offload my peripheral vision.
CBT does not work, neither to any significant degree nor with any lasting effect. I always make a point not to avoid these situations, but it's not improving at all through the years. And now that I have started looking at these things from the perspective of sensory overload as opposed to a learned fear response it's beginning to make more and more sense.
Beyond what I mentioned above, social interactions are always a confusing puzzle. I have no problems establishing initial contact with people I like, but I am extremely selective. Unless a person has a strong interest in something preferably adjacent to one of my strong hobbies (I do have a couple) I just feel zero desire to talk to them. Can't even learn their names, have no idea what they do or how they are related to the party host, etc. Mind you this is usually not a random crowd, but people I see year after year (friends of friends at birthday parties usually).
But, ping me on something I am strongly into and I won't shut up. I have to forcefully moderate myself and usually recede into some cozy corner where nobody talks to me (if my wife is with me than it's great because she is also pretty unsocial and we just end up spending time with each other).
It's very different when I am in a group that shares the common interest. I become very social and interact very well. The problem with such groups however is that people don't aways look to connect beyond a specific area of interest and that plays a joke on me where I over-connect and misread it as a developing friendship when it's more often isn't. And it's not helping that infrequently I do develop lasting connections, so I never know which is which and have no idea how to conduct myself without making people uncomfortable.
I am very routine-sensitive, form routines easily and stick with things even though they may be difficult like working out. When the schedule gets disrupted I get cranky and uncomfortable even when the resulting day is actually easier than planned (such as having to skip a workout). I just get uneasy and the whole day is crap.
The idea of having an Aspergers feels liberating. Maybe I can't lighten up the act I have learned to play all my life and just be whatever the heck I actually am. That's not to say I should start being harsh to people (certainly seen this abrasive aspie type). I won't be a jackass no matter how I try, it's just not in me. Doing the right thing and doing right by people I am with is axiomatic to me.
I am a male pushing 50s. I don't have an official diagnosis, but I am fairly certain I have Aspergers. This all came about fairly recently when my son got diagnosed with a mix of things, one of them a spectrum condition too. We suspected that before as well as his teachers and at some point it was made official after a very thorough work up done by a child psychologist.
This has prompted me to look at myself trough a new lense.
I have always been something of a misfit, never quite connecting with people. I can see the subtleties of human expression but often don't quite know what to do with them. My emphatic response is really odd, very delayed at best. Relating to people is basically difficult. I understand logically what is expected and play along without feeling much. Later on, perhaps a day or more later it hits me, usually when I am far away from the whole thing. And that's generally the thing...most of my emotions are like this, almost always undecipherable and manifesting in the form of anxiety that just comes up with no explanation.
I can't maintain eye contact. Looking into person's eyes just feels too much. It almost hurts to do that.
In the past I have done a 5 year stretch of therapy in regards to my extreme anxiety. The therapist kept asking what I am feeling or thinking in those difficult moments and I always always came up with one answer "I don't know. I don't feel or think anything in particular".
I have a feeling that he was trying to find a repressed trauma. But he never succeeded during this ample period of time. There have been no events in my past that qualify as excessively traumatic, but I feel that I have been though all the wars in the world. Anyways, that was a complete failure and I stopped seeing the therapist being no better off than when I started. He never as much as suggested Aspergers or anything like that. Just a bunch of generic feel-good-about-yourself bs.
My anxiety has always been related to two things: social interaction as well as certain configurations of sensory input. For example, a large mall during lunch hour. I literally can't stand all the visuals and noice coming at me from 360 degrees. It's hard to me to drive on multi-lane highways, but I do really well on fast rural roads. The speed of travel is really almost the same as on the freeway and there's no divider with opposing traffic zipping by close at a combined speed, but I have no problems with that as opposed to a 3-5 lane freeway where I experience extreme anxiety. I attribute it to the wider information field on the freeway as opposed to a country road where the sensory input is almost tunnel- like.
Can't sit at a dinner table with people on the left and right of me trying to have a cross conversation. I have to narrow the sensory field and offload my peripheral vision.
CBT does not work, neither to any significant degree nor with any lasting effect. I always make a point not to avoid these situations, but it's not improving at all through the years. And now that I have started looking at these things from the perspective of sensory overload as opposed to a learned fear response it's beginning to make more and more sense.
Beyond what I mentioned above, social interactions are always a confusing puzzle. I have no problems establishing initial contact with people I like, but I am extremely selective. Unless a person has a strong interest in something preferably adjacent to one of my strong hobbies (I do have a couple) I just feel zero desire to talk to them. Can't even learn their names, have no idea what they do or how they are related to the party host, etc. Mind you this is usually not a random crowd, but people I see year after year (friends of friends at birthday parties usually).
But, ping me on something I am strongly into and I won't shut up. I have to forcefully moderate myself and usually recede into some cozy corner where nobody talks to me (if my wife is with me than it's great because she is also pretty unsocial and we just end up spending time with each other).
It's very different when I am in a group that shares the common interest. I become very social and interact very well. The problem with such groups however is that people don't aways look to connect beyond a specific area of interest and that plays a joke on me where I over-connect and misread it as a developing friendship when it's more often isn't. And it's not helping that infrequently I do develop lasting connections, so I never know which is which and have no idea how to conduct myself without making people uncomfortable.
I am very routine-sensitive, form routines easily and stick with things even though they may be difficult like working out. When the schedule gets disrupted I get cranky and uncomfortable even when the resulting day is actually easier than planned (such as having to skip a workout). I just get uneasy and the whole day is crap.
The idea of having an Aspergers feels liberating. Maybe I can't lighten up the act I have learned to play all my life and just be whatever the heck I actually am. That's not to say I should start being harsh to people (certainly seen this abrasive aspie type). I won't be a jackass no matter how I try, it's just not in me. Doing the right thing and doing right by people I am with is axiomatic to me.
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