Thanks for all the kind words. I am finding the whole concept of what I am enlightening, frightening, revealing and horrific all at the same time. Im finding it difficult to stop myself from dropping into some of the scarier traits I have like blindly following people or just randomly staring at people or watching their every move. It scares the hell out of my kids when I do it. Im almost a full on stalker! Without even noticing that Im doing it. Its finding ways to manage this that I need. I know why I have a lack of empathy, and why I dont see what I’ve done till after the fact. Sometimes a long way after the fact. I would like to stop myself from doing this as well. People keep telling me its a choice Im making and that as such its something I should stop doing. And I want to. I dont want to be theguy people cross the road to avoid. I dont want anyone to have to change whi they are to handle being in my company. I want to change who I am to be in theirs. I want to enjoy jokes with my kinds, enjoy family holidays instead of ruining them because Im having another meltdown. Its me thats the issue. I just wish there was a switch I could flip to reboot in a different (i wont say better) configuration. Then I could make an educated choice of how I would like to live the rest of my life.
If you are anything like me, finding out what makes you the way you are is the start of the process of better managing it and controlling it. Part of the problem of being undiagnosed is that there's no way to grasp what all this is and what causes it, and the diagnosis changes that entirely. So you are on the way, and while you can't cure yourself of being on the spectrum, there's no reboot, you can now better predict what your behaviours are, see how they are linked, and make conscious decisions as a result.
A simple example is meltdowns. Not knowing you're autistic means they are inexplicable events which you can't really control. Knowing you're autistic means you know they are caused by rising stress and anxiety, usually through sensory overload, until the meltdown happens, so you know that if you can better control sensory input, and manage stress by 'stimming', you may be able to avoid the meltdown completely.
What helps me psychologically is a set of three wristbands I was given at work. Green, yellow and red. The green one means that I am ok, the yellow that I am stressed, and the red that I need to be left alone if at all possible. These are outward signals to others that help them interact with me appropriately, and the fact I have to pick with band to wear at any time also gives me a little better control of myself. But particularly when I get to red, the fact that band keeps people a bit further away means that I can better manage how and where the meltdown will occur, or even if I am lucky, that I can de-escalate back to yellow. Similar bands may help you and your family better understand how your interactions can be managed to everyone's benefit.
If you tend to be obsessive, you can monitor your behaviour and recognise the onset, and deliberately stop yourself by diverting your attention to something else. Once you start practicing these diversionary tactics, they will become easier and then automatic.
Some things you can't change - typically we are rather blunt in what we say, and that isn't likely to change, but knowing that to be so, you likely can learn enough social signals that you can opt not to say something at all rather than say the unfortunate thing that is on the tip of your tongue.
In the end though, you are who you are, and those around you have to accept that just as you do.
