I'm not on the spectrum but I am socially inept! Particularly when it comes to my 19 year old daughter who is diagnosed as being on the spectrum. I don't really know that much about what it's like to live with (she's quite private), but she often has problems that I struggle to comprehend as problems and I often wonder how she's managed to get herself into these messes. I really want her to be happy and confident in herself but she isn't at the moment as things just keep going wrong for her and most of this seems directly related to her autism. I was hoping that by joining up I would come across people with similar issues, learn a bit more about these issues and maybe even some strategies for helping her deal with them.
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Hi
- Thread starter Duff Dad
- Start date
SpiltPaint
Member
I'm not sure if you're into reading at all, but 'The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome' by Tony Attwood I feel is one of the best representations of Autism.
Anyway, good for you for wanting to help her and learn more.
I've not read anything tbh. I've always thought of being on the autism spectrum as a very personal experience, different for everyone, so never thought that 'a manual' as such would help as it might well guide me down the wrong path, but thanks for the tip, I'll definitely give it a look into.
It sounds like you're daughter is very introverted, which is simply a personality type, not an autisitc trait, but it is the more common archetype trait among autistics. There are extroverted autisitcs, but introversion is the dominant type. And understanding how introversion works goes a long way toward helping to empathize and comprehend autistics.
An individual's personality is not determined by their autism. They are who they are regardless. A person will be an introvert whether or not they are autistic. And introverts tend to be a bit like a cat, we socialize on our own terms because social interactions can be very draining. That social drain can have a much bigger and rapid effect of autistics. Sensory overload, masking, shutdowns, meltdowns, these are par for the course and inherent to the autistic neurotype. Introverts need alone or 'down' time to recharge, for an autisitc that 'down' time can take longer. Often the autistic can appear 'unsocial' It is not a conscious decision to just avoid people it is a requisite need in order to function normally.
The fact that you notice and address the need for privacy is a huge step in the right direction. As far as 'understanding' autism, that is where things get murky. The context matrices and communication deficits can make it a struggle to explain. Things like alexithymia and depression are very common. Shame and frustration are also huge factors, especially when you mess up and you cannot articulate the situation.
Empathy is going to be the greatest tool toward establishing some sort of understanding, (because let's face, people are complex, autistics a little more so, and no one is ever in complete understanding.) Baseline communication. Something as simple as being very clear with communication.
Say something happens. You get frustrated or angry. Be very, very specific.
e.g. I'm frustrated about situation A, not with you. I appreciate you telling me.
This one thing can go miles in helping establish open communication. Why? Simply because it establishes trust and give specific context to overwhelming emotions. Knowing you are the focus of Dad's fuming can be frightening. Knowing that it is the situation and not the individual can bring a huge peace of mind to the other party. This in turn reduces stress, anxiety, and can help alleviate depression.
Consider growing up, how many of us heard: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the circumstance.
My grandma started this with us as kids and it has made a world of difference. You're conscious of the situation and want to help. That in itself is huge and will make a difference not only for you, but your family in the long run.
An individual's personality is not determined by their autism. They are who they are regardless. A person will be an introvert whether or not they are autistic. And introverts tend to be a bit like a cat, we socialize on our own terms because social interactions can be very draining. That social drain can have a much bigger and rapid effect of autistics. Sensory overload, masking, shutdowns, meltdowns, these are par for the course and inherent to the autistic neurotype. Introverts need alone or 'down' time to recharge, for an autisitc that 'down' time can take longer. Often the autistic can appear 'unsocial' It is not a conscious decision to just avoid people it is a requisite need in order to function normally.
The fact that you notice and address the need for privacy is a huge step in the right direction. As far as 'understanding' autism, that is where things get murky. The context matrices and communication deficits can make it a struggle to explain. Things like alexithymia and depression are very common. Shame and frustration are also huge factors, especially when you mess up and you cannot articulate the situation.
Empathy is going to be the greatest tool toward establishing some sort of understanding, (because let's face, people are complex, autistics a little more so, and no one is ever in complete understanding.) Baseline communication. Something as simple as being very clear with communication.
Say something happens. You get frustrated or angry. Be very, very specific.
e.g. I'm frustrated about situation A, not with you. I appreciate you telling me.
This one thing can go miles in helping establish open communication. Why? Simply because it establishes trust and give specific context to overwhelming emotions. Knowing you are the focus of Dad's fuming can be frightening. Knowing that it is the situation and not the individual can bring a huge peace of mind to the other party. This in turn reduces stress, anxiety, and can help alleviate depression.
Consider growing up, how many of us heard: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the circumstance.
My grandma started this with us as kids and it has made a world of difference. You're conscious of the situation and want to help. That in itself is huge and will make a difference not only for you, but your family in the long run.
Welcome! 
Im at the opposite situation. I have autistic traits and my daugther is quite NT.
Im at the opposite situation. I have autistic traits and my daugther is quite NT.
Specific strategies, not easy to suggest.
I am on same page as Darkkin thinking that having a good communication line open is essential.
It might be helpful to try not thinking of it as an adult - child relationship anymore. That time has passed. Instead try to be a trusted advisor, avoiding being judgemental and above all avoiding anger.
I am on same page as Darkkin thinking that having a good communication line open is essential.
It might be helpful to try not thinking of it as an adult - child relationship anymore. That time has passed. Instead try to be a trusted advisor, avoiding being judgemental and above all avoiding anger.
Welcome to the forum.
My father has helped me by accepting me as I am and not criticising me. I enjoy his presence because of this and it has helped me gain confidence. Sometimes he bought me thoughtful gifts based around whatever special interest I had at that time. He doesn't try to give me advice and I appreciate that.
My father has helped me by accepting me as I am and not criticising me. I enjoy his presence because of this and it has helped me gain confidence. Sometimes he bought me thoughtful gifts based around whatever special interest I had at that time. He doesn't try to give me advice and I appreciate that.
Welcome! I can only speak from my personal experience. I was diagnosed as a young adult and my dad didn’t handle my diagnosis well.
I don’t know your daughter and I can’t pretend to know what’s going on in her mind. I can just say I needed to hear I was loved and appreciated no matter what, and I could count on support while I figured things out. Parents can’t help their kids figure things out, but showing up, being there and keeping the lines of communication open is so so important.
I don’t know your daughter and I can’t pretend to know what’s going on in her mind. I can just say I needed to hear I was loved and appreciated no matter what, and I could count on support while I figured things out. Parents can’t help their kids figure things out, but showing up, being there and keeping the lines of communication open is so so important.
Hi and welcome, it's good that you are here, I think you are right that it will help you to be a support to your daughter and to understand her better, perhaps. Yes, we are all different, but there are central issues that are relevant to autism, communication differences for example. Different wiring or processing will inevitably affect how we understand one another, I think this is one of the biggest issues often faced.
As you say, what you can do is learn about the particular individual, and keep checking in with them if you have understood or to see how they are thinking about something. Sometimes I have been amazed to find out that an aspect of communication just isn't apparent or isn't the same for me as for a more neurotypical person.
Also bear in mind that women with Autism seem to have a somewhat different profile. There's some great books by autistic women and clinicians in the Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue, and elsewhere.
As you say, what you can do is learn about the particular individual, and keep checking in with them if you have understood or to see how they are thinking about something. Sometimes I have been amazed to find out that an aspect of communication just isn't apparent or isn't the same for me as for a more neurotypical person.
Also bear in mind that women with Autism seem to have a somewhat different profile. There's some great books by autistic women and clinicians in the Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue, and elsewhere.
Welcome!
If you're into books, here's two that I think might be helpful in helping you better navigate your relationship with your daughter:
Sincerely, Your Autistic Child: What People on the Autism Spectrum Wish Their Parents Knew...
Spectrum Women: Walking to the Beat of Autism
If you're into books, here's two that I think might be helpful in helping you better navigate your relationship with your daughter:
Sincerely, Your Autistic Child: What People on the Autism Spectrum Wish Their Parents Knew...
Spectrum Women: Walking to the Beat of Autism
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