OddmanJive
Member
Hi All,
Like so many other older adults who describe that "Aha!" moment when they first realize that Aspergers and ASD help explain SO MUCH about their lives, I've had mine. It came a few weeks ago.
I had been joking for about a year that I had "Asperger's moments", and a few friends thought it was funny. But I never thought much more about it until a friend responded to something I said about my sensory experiences as a child with "You're an Aspie!!"
I'm 47 now, and, as so many others my age say, I have learned to more or less navigate the world. But it has not always been that way. As a child I was shy, very afraid and uncomprehending of my peers, tended to play by myself, daydreamed a lot, had an unusual vocabulary and 'proper' way of talking. I was very polite, but it was pro-forma (and demanded of me by my mother). I don't really know if I was clumsy, but I did sometimes obsess over particular types of movement, and was self-conscious about not being normal (just before puberty, for example, I was very worried that my gestures and way of walking were feminine (I'm male)—to the point that I had nightmares about it). Certain sounds and textures overwhelmed me and I would have to avoid them. I always made friends with adults, and could talk incessantly about my interests with a sympathetic listener, but had very few close peer friends. The friendships I did have were intense, lasting, and were with other weird kids.
As a young adult I struggled with relationships, work, college, depression, anxiety, insomnia, obsessive compulsive behaviors (chain-smoking, counting steps, exercise, running—things that may not have been obvious to others). I was married briefly to my high school girlfriend when I was 19-20, but living on our own together was an interpersonal disaster and ended quickly. I had a series of intense longish relationships through my twenties but never lived with another partner until I was 31 and met and moved in with my current wife. Those early years of our relationship were awesome, but also hard. She persisted with me and eventually convinced me that I needed to "see someone" about my anxiety and mood swings. I was in graduate school, and the University doctor (who was great) prescribed the SSRI sertraline to me. It helped a lot, and over the last ten years or so things have mellowed. I still freak out occasionally (mostly anxiety attacks that result from daily stress overload or lack of sleep), but I'm pretty steady. We have a happy, smart five year old daughter, I teach at a university for a living, I can do most of my work easily as long as there are no politics.
I think the sertraline, and my age, have shaved off some of the sensory overload stuff, but I used to be regularly overwhelmed by sounds, smells, flavors, textures, visual patterns. I ate the same thing and drank very strong coffee every day for years just to control the sensory overload. I also chewed tobacco and/or smoked for the same reasons (and I was completely addicted, too). I still always carry ear plugs with me, and prefer to either be outdoors or in a place with air movement and white noise. I HATE the color of cool white fluorescent tubes. To me they make everything look flat and dead. I even sometimes like very noisy environments as long as I have ear protection, because it drowns out the distractions. I can't understand anything someone is saying to me in a crowd, a bar, or a noisy classroom, even though my hearing is normal. I pretend that I'm partially deaf, so people wont be as offended. Ive had whole conversations in bars or at parties that I did not understand at all, only to be reminded of them later by the friend. One friend even sent me a book that we supposedly talked about! I didn't realize that I was that convincing a faker!
Odd all my life, but now I am beginning to realize that I'm not alone, and it feels good. It's also very humbling, somehow. I have taken the AQ and the Aspie Quiz, and although I'm self-diagnosing at this point, it seems likely that I have enough symptoms—especially as a kid—to be considered to be on the autistic spectrum.
I look forward to learning more, and hopefully meeting others whose stories are similar.
Like so many other older adults who describe that "Aha!" moment when they first realize that Aspergers and ASD help explain SO MUCH about their lives, I've had mine. It came a few weeks ago.
I had been joking for about a year that I had "Asperger's moments", and a few friends thought it was funny. But I never thought much more about it until a friend responded to something I said about my sensory experiences as a child with "You're an Aspie!!"
I'm 47 now, and, as so many others my age say, I have learned to more or less navigate the world. But it has not always been that way. As a child I was shy, very afraid and uncomprehending of my peers, tended to play by myself, daydreamed a lot, had an unusual vocabulary and 'proper' way of talking. I was very polite, but it was pro-forma (and demanded of me by my mother). I don't really know if I was clumsy, but I did sometimes obsess over particular types of movement, and was self-conscious about not being normal (just before puberty, for example, I was very worried that my gestures and way of walking were feminine (I'm male)—to the point that I had nightmares about it). Certain sounds and textures overwhelmed me and I would have to avoid them. I always made friends with adults, and could talk incessantly about my interests with a sympathetic listener, but had very few close peer friends. The friendships I did have were intense, lasting, and were with other weird kids.
As a young adult I struggled with relationships, work, college, depression, anxiety, insomnia, obsessive compulsive behaviors (chain-smoking, counting steps, exercise, running—things that may not have been obvious to others). I was married briefly to my high school girlfriend when I was 19-20, but living on our own together was an interpersonal disaster and ended quickly. I had a series of intense longish relationships through my twenties but never lived with another partner until I was 31 and met and moved in with my current wife. Those early years of our relationship were awesome, but also hard. She persisted with me and eventually convinced me that I needed to "see someone" about my anxiety and mood swings. I was in graduate school, and the University doctor (who was great) prescribed the SSRI sertraline to me. It helped a lot, and over the last ten years or so things have mellowed. I still freak out occasionally (mostly anxiety attacks that result from daily stress overload or lack of sleep), but I'm pretty steady. We have a happy, smart five year old daughter, I teach at a university for a living, I can do most of my work easily as long as there are no politics.
I think the sertraline, and my age, have shaved off some of the sensory overload stuff, but I used to be regularly overwhelmed by sounds, smells, flavors, textures, visual patterns. I ate the same thing and drank very strong coffee every day for years just to control the sensory overload. I also chewed tobacco and/or smoked for the same reasons (and I was completely addicted, too). I still always carry ear plugs with me, and prefer to either be outdoors or in a place with air movement and white noise. I HATE the color of cool white fluorescent tubes. To me they make everything look flat and dead. I even sometimes like very noisy environments as long as I have ear protection, because it drowns out the distractions. I can't understand anything someone is saying to me in a crowd, a bar, or a noisy classroom, even though my hearing is normal. I pretend that I'm partially deaf, so people wont be as offended. Ive had whole conversations in bars or at parties that I did not understand at all, only to be reminded of them later by the friend. One friend even sent me a book that we supposedly talked about! I didn't realize that I was that convincing a faker!
Odd all my life, but now I am beginning to realize that I'm not alone, and it feels good. It's also very humbling, somehow. I have taken the AQ and the Aspie Quiz, and although I'm self-diagnosing at this point, it seems likely that I have enough symptoms—especially as a kid—to be considered to be on the autistic spectrum.
I look forward to learning more, and hopefully meeting others whose stories are similar.
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