Highly Social NT Married to Aspie looking for input

[Thomas Young]

Married for four years now, I just figured out my wife has AS. We have a healthy happy marriage, but it took a good deal of effort to get here. Had I known for sure she had AS, it certainly would have been easier, especially for her. She was diagnosed as a child, but frequently says that she is not sure the DR was correct. My wife is extremely intelligent and I am certain that she is aware she has AS. Let's just say that it is a topic she decided to investigate, which I would imagine people on here with AS know what I mean. If not than maybe I am off all together. Anyways, I will need to sit down with her in the near future and discuss the fact I am aware she has AS. I am simply waiting for the right time, timimg is everything with her, I do not want to bring it up when she is not up to it. Also, I am open to input as to how to approach it with her. It is a topic we have discussed frequently. i am pretty direct myself sometimes that is good for her and sometimes not. I am thinking of saying.... "I know we discuss off and on the reality you probably have AS. First, I want you to know that I do not look down on AS in any way, in fact I think many of the aspects of AS are why I like and love you. The only reason I am bringing this up is so that we can create the best possible marriage, one that serves you best and creates a happy life for both of us. We already understand that there are aspects of you that are unique, I believe if we come to the realization you have AS it will help me to better understand and support you. I do not like labels, but there is a good deal of information out there, and people similar to you that we can learn from, it makes since to use those resources" ..... Please provide input on anything wrong with my approach. I could care less if we give her personality a title, the only reason I want to discuss it, is so that we are on the same page, and also I know sometimes she feels like there is something wrong with her and that is not ok. She will say things like you deserve someone more loving. She wrote me a letter the other day that said that she thinks I am gorgeous, smart, successful, a wonderful husband etc. She made like 20 trial and errors and it took her several hours to give it to me and couldn't look at me after she did. I was quick to explain to her that I don't want anyone all lovey that I like her for her. And that I also know she hates to talk to people half the time and doesn't want to be around them, but she spends 90 percent of her time with be, basically I have learned to adjust how I evaluate actions. For example, a love letter like that from someone else might not be a big deal, form her that is like unreal. Anyways, I want her to know that I know exactly who she is and love her for it.

I know that the understanding will help me be a better husband, I absolutely adore my wife, we are best friends. So far when we discuss issues we describe things as the way she is, for example she hates social gatherings, I have learned to adjust my expectations. For example, in past relationships women were usually all over me which was fun well never, my wife likes to cuddle on her terms. If you come up from behind and wrap your arms around her, well she hates that. Basically, I think of her like a cat that doesn't always want to be petted, you have to let her come to you. There have been times when this would concern me, that she doesn't love me or something. That is not the case at all, so I have learned to adjust expectations that fit her. However, this is an interesting area for me that I am looking for input in. I understand that AS really in my opinion is just someone who likes different stuff, that's all and that is ok. At the same time I have watched my wife grow as a person since she met me. She is more social and has better relationships. I think that with AS people have to be careful between expecting everyone else to accept them, and also having behaviors that do not serve them well. So this is basically how I look at AS in regards to my marriage and I am very open to input. First I accept and actually like my wife for who she is, don't want to change her at all. With that said I want her to have the best possible life and us to have the best possible marriage. So basically what we do now, is she tries her best to understand the social norm and behave within that standard, not in a damaging way but in a way that best serves her and her wants and needs, I help in regards to letting her know if I feel something is maybe out of the social norm a bit, and we wok it out. Sometimes, she will say I absolutely can not do that, then ok that sucks for her, so we look for things she can do without damaging her that best serve her, and also our marriage or other relationships. One area I admit I have played a negative role in the past is pushing her to do things that make her miserable, she would try and do things in an effort to make me happy that didn't work for her. Now that I am aware she has AS, I am going to make sure I do not push her into things that do not serve her. At the same time I want to continue to help where I can to improve her life, basically minimize any negative effects of AS. Also, there are a ton of positive things about AS. I married my wife 11 days after we met, best decision I've ever made... She is honest, up front, literally a genius, I got in trouble for doing my babysitter calculus homework for her when I was 5, she is smarter than me. Anyways, so there are good things and some difficult things in regards to AS in my opinion and I am looking for input in regards to ways that I can know what to accept and what to help her improve. I try and listen and pay attention to her in an effort to figure that out, but social communication isn't her strong point. We can talk about fact based things for hours, bring up feelings and she would rather hit her thumb with a hammer than talk about them. So I am hoping that this forum might be able to help me understand situations when she is not up to talking.
Sorry if this post is too long and if I annoy people with AS, I am super high energy and very social, so feel free to let me know anything that is irritating. I am a big boy and don't take things to personal.

 

[LittlePuff]

I think you should show her this post, then ask her to read up and see if she thinks this describes her. If she is, it will explain a lot to her about why she does what she does and why she feels certain ways about things. Also possibly understand how others react to her the way they do.

There are Aspie quizzes she can take online.

 

[Thomas Young]

little puff thx for your response sorry my post was so long
she has taken several quizes online all point to AS, she has also been diagnosed as a child and last year by our dr, our dr has an child with Autism, she is an MD but very open to the latest treatments both conventional and unconventional. She graduated 1st in her class from one of the highest rated medical programs in the country. Point being her dr is good open minded and thorough. My wife has AS, it is just a matter of her knowing for sure.

I don't want to call it denial, more like she has partial acceptance, she realizes that she has AS, but we both kinda have been like not sure. I feel like it is time we just say ok you have AS for sure, like way for sure. Also, my wife is more intelligent, even than our DR, she home schooled herself, passing tests to graduate from high school at 12, then college at 15. She had a 4 point in college and after getting her first degree took bio, chem, and psychology courses to go to med school. She got all A s in those as well, she got pregnant and was placed on bed rest. Med school went on the back burner. Point is, she researched it and should knows for sure she has AS, but just says she probably has AS. So I think it is that she is also concerned of what I will think, I am certain in the logical area she knows she has AS, but socially she does not know how to deal with it. That is where I can help, I am thinking that making her aware that it is perfectly OK that she has AS, is part of it, I am sure she's concerned about what people think. It is difficult for her to predict how others think and feel not that she cares that much what they think and feel but she knows that telling her mom for example would mean her mom wants to talk about it, she hates to talk about emotional stuff, especially with anyone other than me. She does much better with me than most, but she still hates it.

Also, I think maybe she beats around the bush a bit because she concerned about what I will think, I have said that its cool and that I like her regardless of how we label her personality. However, I could have been more assertive that I know and it doesn't change what I think or how I feel. So it is like we have halfway had a talk about it 100 times.

I will show her the post for sure, it is just a matter of when and how. But writing might be better than talking, often she prefers that if its an issue involving feelings. I just want to make sure that she doesn't take something the wrong way and stop reading. So, do you think it would be better to show her the post or chat with her say what I was going to say in the previous post than ask if she would like to read my post?

 

[LittlePuff]

I'd show her the post. If she wants to accept it, it doesn't mean she has to disclose it to anyone. I mentioned the idea to my mother and got a very negative reaction. I dropped it. There is no reason to tell anyone unless she thinks that disclosing it will help in some way. It takes time to get used to the idea and accept it. Most of the time, it is a relief that you've figured it out and now you can learn how to deal and celebrate it.

 

[Thomas Young]

My posts are so long I can't read them, basically read her the post, went well thx. As I suspected, she knows she has it, not really in denial, she has kinda been letting me figure it out on my own. I didn't take it seriously enough when she told me, I think she communicates in ways that are difficult for most to understand. Anyways thx so much for your help.

 

[Tarragon]

Hello and welcome to AC!

with regard for your posts being long .... One of my abilities is to digest large amounts of text far quicker than average. I can memorise 600 page manuals if I really want to! I read lines of text at a time.

But, my god, your posts are long! Very intense, and I can't focus on them!!

aspergers has no cure, but it's not something most of us would want to be "cured" of I suspect. It's not an illness, more of a way of being. I think you need to slow down a little, and get into this more gradually. A lot of people will struggle to wade through everything you're writing...

That said, I'm not being negative, just being my usual aspie self of saying things how I see them. I hope you find what you're looking for, and your wife might find this site very helpful. There are some great people to talk to about having aspergers. But, please, shorter paragraphs!

 

[Pella]

There is a stigma with asperger's, those who don't know much about it look at it as being a mental deficiancy. With as intelligent as she is, she may worry that if she discloses it that people will see her intelligence as something that is diminished somehow. I just about cried where you talked about her writing you that letter. Sometimes when things like that are so difficult it makes it so much more meaningful and romantic when they are done. It sounds like you are very supportive and you trying to understand, I am sure means alot to her.

 

[SallySlips]

I had to check and make sure my husband hadn't found this forum before me! The things you described sound almost exactly like our relationship, even down to the letter she wrote for you.

I'm glad it went well when you showed her the post. I would suggest that you sort of go with the flow to keep things as normal as possible for her, but (like I see you're already doing) let her know when she does something not quite right that shouldn't just slide by. Do it in a gentle way though...Possibly you could even consider using a code word. Our code word is Oklahoma, and my husband says that when I'm being unreasonable. With the code word, it gets away from the patronizing way it comes off when someone says "That right there that you're doing is not right..." or something to that effect. Once you say the code word, let her try and figure out what went wrong herself, and if she can't, then help her. I can't even stress how much this has helped my marriage.

 

[imagesbyholly]

Hi Thomas!
Plenty of us AS people write pretty long posts, so don't worry. All I can really say is "you rock." So glad you are doing your best for your wife. I think it's pretty common to marry someone who is very different from you - it's part of the fun at first, then it can be part of the difficulty. I like Sally's idea about a code word. Remember that even among people with aspergers, there are differences. Me- I love when my hubby comes up behind me. Sometimes face to face is too much, for a few different reasons. Caring and being willing to help and protect are the important things. Anyway, best of luck!

With the emotions- sometimes the emotions are so big we're afraid for them to come out. It could be like a small storm, or we may be judged for them. Many of us have a large fear of being judged. Sometimes it's just that emotions are annoyingly draining, and we'd prefer to remain cool about things. I've experienced both.

Oh, PS- There are people here with visual issues, and for the sake of visual organizing, you may want to use a somewhat larger font size (this is 3) and perhapse a color, with more space between smaller paragraphs (somewhat like what I have). This helps some of us with visual organization, and helps me "digest" information better. I did read the whole post though without too much trouble since I am addicted to reading.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I don't see why you need to keep talking to her about it. She knows and you know, so why go on and on and on. You only need an official diagnosis if you are trying to get "treatment" or health benefits. Otherwise the label isn't so important. Just be respectful of her boundaries and limits.

 

[Mr Faramoose]

imagesbyholly, i know its an odd request but you say youre addicted to reading, would you be interested in readding an extract from my book? It's about me growing up as a weird child then having my younger brother diagnosed as autistic a few years before I was, plus all the charity running events I did to raise money for his special school and the problems with taking things too literally in secondary school. Plus an amusing incident where I climbed on the boys toilets roof because I saw some pigeons up there and I had no friends. Sorry if this looks like I'm hijacking a thread it's unintentional!

 

[Mr Faramoose]

And as a reply, I read your rather long post, but don't worry it made sense. You mentioned she has difficulties in being social and being a social person yourself you don't want to push her into doing things she doesn't like. I think by this you mean events like parties or seeing groups of family members, That's fine and well done to you for being an understanding spouse. I think part of your wife's ''reluctance'' if that is the word, to fully accept who she is, may simply be due to the fact that lately a lot of media stories have cropped up surrounding autism and aspergers, though the latter isn't fully understood even by professionals, let alone by people reporting it or people sitting at home watching. Most people don't even want to understand it but you do, so that is brilliant. The problem wouldn't be that she simply has a label, it's what happens after you get her that label. It's more, ok, so she has aspergers, now what, does this mean she can't do things other people can? Or that she could do those things but only with help because she might become anxious or withdrawn? I'm aspie myself, and if I go to family meetings or clubs/ pubs I seem to go backwards mntally, I get very anxious or unsure about who to look at or what to say, and if people talk to me I think why am I here I'd much rather be at home! So perhaps you could write down what sort of things you'd like to help her with. Does she get bored or lonely easily? I read that she wrote you her feelings down with great interest, kind of sweet really. Another stigma with aspergers is that we don't want to interact or be with other people, that's not completely true of everyone, my guess is your wife would like to go and do the things you like to do but feels incapable of doing so for fear of something. Usually after a lot of attempts to act like they're having fun an aspie will realise they're perhaps not the best at it and will withdraw yet still feel the need to speak to people they care about though they might not LOOK like they want to because they don't talk much. Deep conversations about feelings can also be difficult because a lot of people find it hard to put their feelings into words, I'd say this is even more true of people on the spectrum. I hope I was of some help here, but please remember she may want to do things with you just as much as you do, she might just have anxiety or problems doing so due to bad experiences before, as well as being on the spectrum.