keebles
Member
I've been lurking a bit before making this post (aka trying to get up the courage). I am a mid, pushing late 40's Asper (officially dx'ed...along with OCD, ADHD, SAD, and about fifteen other acronyms that mean very little) who lives in NEA Arkansas, an area not known for its knowledge and experts in ASD. At first I was self-diagnosed and had to fight a bit for the official diagnosis (they first tried to label me with Schizoid Personality Disorder). At least in the States, once that diagnosis code hits your insurance, Bob's your uncle and it's officially on record, so now the fight is over and I can move on...or so I thought.
I grew up in a time when you hid your problems, so I learned to adapt to the NT world as best I could and apparently did it well enough to function. I work at a pathology lab and, although I've served in various functions throughout the company since I was 16, I am now the IT Systems Admin (self taught). I use cross stitch as my Xanax (although I do take it too) and my major obsessions are Disney and Duran Duran. I have two Shih-Tzu's, one of which just got diagnosed with Canine Anxiety Disorder just Saturday (yes, even my dogs are ND's because I'm sure the other one has it too).
I guess I should mention that I do take meds related to my issues. I take the Xanax for my migraines (which are anxiety driven, but given to me by my neurologist) as well as Topimax for anxiety (also by my neurologist although originally prescribed by the shrinks). I also have a benign meningioma (benign brain tumor), but I don't think it has anything to do with either the migraines or my other issues considering its placement. I take Ritalin for the ADHD (prescribed by a psychiatrist - which officially I don't have right now and my script is about to run out). I do think the Ritalin helps, but I don't think I need it. Guess if I don't get a shrink soon, we'll find out.
I went looking for this forum for a very specific reason...but it's a bit of a story, although I'll try to make it brief (the longer version is on my blog, although I'm not known for my brevity there either, so this maybe a long one). I've been to going my local behavioral health clinic for depression issues for a year and a half and, despite telling them I had trouble taking SSRI's (they tend to make me either mean or more depressed), they put me on one anyway. There were some offs and ons between it and other drugs, but eventually things got so worse, they ended up locking me up in a mental hospital because my depression got so bad that I honestly answered those three little questions they always ask when you start to get suicidal (stupid me...I would normally know to lie to those).
Anyway, what's the worse thing you can do to an Asper with severe Social Anxiety Disorder? Lock them up. After three days, they let me go because I got so bad they didn't know what to do. But on that last day, for 10 brief minutes, I saw a child psychiatrist, who happens to be an Asper specialist, who understood me more in that 10 minutes then all those other people have in a year and a half. I will say, that he mentioned in the hospital that I am mod to severe ASD (I would have said I was mild) and he found it amazing that I function in the "real" world (that the terminology they use down here) and he basically said he wanted to study me...that's why I put off calling him. I'm not sure I want to be anyone's lab rat but my other options are just too limited right now.
I have called his clinic a few times trying to get in, but there are issues with my insurance since he is a child psychiatrist and he works for "the enemy" (in medical communities, there are always two factions and since I work in the community too, it's a very "us" and "them" type world). As of yet, that is still on hold, so, in the meantime, I'm stuck at the "us" place...i.e. the "people who locked me up" place. He also mentioned that I might benefit from taking Propranolol, but I'm still working on that. He told me that Aspers should never take anything but anti-anxieties and mood-stabilizers and that's why he uses Topimax with Xanax and Propranolol.
Needless to say, ever since my hospital stay, I've had extreme PTSD, nightmares, and pretty much all my NT-dealing life training has basically gone out the window. All the places I've learned to go on my own (like the grocery store or the gas station or even Sonic) I am now terrified of and/or don't want to go to. I'm scared of small spaces but I'm also scared of being outside in the world and, although I'm still managing to go to work (although it takes special effort every single day), I'm only settled when I'm in my house with my pups, surrounded by all my Disney stuff and cross stitching and, given the choice, I would never leave...but that's not realistic.
I'm also having major issues dealing with people, i.e. I don't want to deal with them at all. I've managed to shut everyone out of my life I can other than my Sister and my blog friends (and right now, I'm OK with that) and I think I'm OK with the blog friends because they are online and therefore not actually in my face.
Work has been an utter horror, but I have adapted somewhat over the past couple of months although my temper tantrums have kicked up more than ever. Thankfully, the management know of my conditions and are quite sympathetic (i.e. I'm cheap labor because I'm self-educated, been there too long and know too much to be replaced easily). My other co-workers know too, but I don't really care what they think. I've manage to isolate a few of them, but that's OK as well...less bothering me.
Right now, I'm dealing with an extremely pushy Bipolar younger Sister who has the best of intentions, but thinks I should just "get over' the whole hospital thing because it's been "over two months ago" and is forcing me back into therapy which isn't helping because, well, it's therapy. Since my Sister is the only person I trust/like, I'm doing it, but I don't want to because I think the whole process is useless.
My Sister doesn't get who I am at all and thinks I'm choosing to be this way...that I'm using my Aspergers as an excuse and that I can stop it anytime I want to. For someone so very smart (and a highly educated medical professional mind-you), she is extremely dumb sometimes. She also doesn't like that I've shut out an extremely dependent Aunt that I normally deal with, but now she has to since I won't. She thinks if I can get "fixed", then I can go back to dealing with the Aunt problem (not a euphemism). She doesn't think I know that this is her true motive for getting me "fixed", but of course I do.
I guess I came here to hopefully find help and answers with how to deal with my Sister and therapist and make them understand that I can't just "get over" being locked up or even being an Asper for that matter. I've never had to be fake around my Sister and I don't want to start now, but I'm beginning to think that it's the only way to get her off my back and since she's the only person in the world I can say I probably "love", I'm afraid it will ruin our relationship if I can't be my "true" self around her. I've never had to fake it with her before, but she's never been like this before either.
I also need help with trying to deal with a therapist who knows nothing about Aspers. I can't get out of going for my Sister's sake, so do I just nod my head and smile, and let the therapist try and screw up the next Asper she comes into contact with, or do I try to at least make some sort of effort to educate her and how do I do that? Should a so-called professional treat a condition they aren't trained for in the first place? I think there should be a law against it. She's also pushing hard for me to get back on psychotropic drugs, which I am refusing to do,much to her dismay. I can't convince her that they were the problem in the first place. She's convinced that I'm depressed and that depression is driving me anti-social...again, a complete lack of Asper-acknowledgement.
And lastly, and I guess more importantly, how to I get myself back to "myself"? How I can I make this whole hospital mess go away? I don't want to be an NT, but I do have to function in that world because I don't have a significant other and I do have to keep a roof over my head, so how do I get back to being me again at least enough to get the mundane stuff accomplished? Can one actually lose a lifetime of social training or am I just being stubborn because I don't want to deal? Right now, even I don't know my own mind which I guess is why I've come here hoping to find answers with like-minded (pardon the pun) individuals.
I don't want to deal with therapists and psychiatrists but, for my Sister's sake, right now I have to. Does anyone have any suggestions? I've read dozens of articles about how vitamins can help Aspers, but they never say which vitamins or how much...anyone have any clues in that area or have any thoughts for or against vitamins versus pharmas?
That's my story! Sorry for the rambling, I tend to do that!
I grew up in a time when you hid your problems, so I learned to adapt to the NT world as best I could and apparently did it well enough to function. I work at a pathology lab and, although I've served in various functions throughout the company since I was 16, I am now the IT Systems Admin (self taught). I use cross stitch as my Xanax (although I do take it too) and my major obsessions are Disney and Duran Duran. I have two Shih-Tzu's, one of which just got diagnosed with Canine Anxiety Disorder just Saturday (yes, even my dogs are ND's because I'm sure the other one has it too).
I guess I should mention that I do take meds related to my issues. I take the Xanax for my migraines (which are anxiety driven, but given to me by my neurologist) as well as Topimax for anxiety (also by my neurologist although originally prescribed by the shrinks). I also have a benign meningioma (benign brain tumor), but I don't think it has anything to do with either the migraines or my other issues considering its placement. I take Ritalin for the ADHD (prescribed by a psychiatrist - which officially I don't have right now and my script is about to run out). I do think the Ritalin helps, but I don't think I need it. Guess if I don't get a shrink soon, we'll find out.
I went looking for this forum for a very specific reason...but it's a bit of a story, although I'll try to make it brief (the longer version is on my blog, although I'm not known for my brevity there either, so this maybe a long one). I've been to going my local behavioral health clinic for depression issues for a year and a half and, despite telling them I had trouble taking SSRI's (they tend to make me either mean or more depressed), they put me on one anyway. There were some offs and ons between it and other drugs, but eventually things got so worse, they ended up locking me up in a mental hospital because my depression got so bad that I honestly answered those three little questions they always ask when you start to get suicidal (stupid me...I would normally know to lie to those).
Anyway, what's the worse thing you can do to an Asper with severe Social Anxiety Disorder? Lock them up. After three days, they let me go because I got so bad they didn't know what to do. But on that last day, for 10 brief minutes, I saw a child psychiatrist, who happens to be an Asper specialist, who understood me more in that 10 minutes then all those other people have in a year and a half. I will say, that he mentioned in the hospital that I am mod to severe ASD (I would have said I was mild) and he found it amazing that I function in the "real" world (that the terminology they use down here) and he basically said he wanted to study me...that's why I put off calling him. I'm not sure I want to be anyone's lab rat but my other options are just too limited right now.
I have called his clinic a few times trying to get in, but there are issues with my insurance since he is a child psychiatrist and he works for "the enemy" (in medical communities, there are always two factions and since I work in the community too, it's a very "us" and "them" type world). As of yet, that is still on hold, so, in the meantime, I'm stuck at the "us" place...i.e. the "people who locked me up" place. He also mentioned that I might benefit from taking Propranolol, but I'm still working on that. He told me that Aspers should never take anything but anti-anxieties and mood-stabilizers and that's why he uses Topimax with Xanax and Propranolol.
Needless to say, ever since my hospital stay, I've had extreme PTSD, nightmares, and pretty much all my NT-dealing life training has basically gone out the window. All the places I've learned to go on my own (like the grocery store or the gas station or even Sonic) I am now terrified of and/or don't want to go to. I'm scared of small spaces but I'm also scared of being outside in the world and, although I'm still managing to go to work (although it takes special effort every single day), I'm only settled when I'm in my house with my pups, surrounded by all my Disney stuff and cross stitching and, given the choice, I would never leave...but that's not realistic.
I'm also having major issues dealing with people, i.e. I don't want to deal with them at all. I've managed to shut everyone out of my life I can other than my Sister and my blog friends (and right now, I'm OK with that) and I think I'm OK with the blog friends because they are online and therefore not actually in my face.
Work has been an utter horror, but I have adapted somewhat over the past couple of months although my temper tantrums have kicked up more than ever. Thankfully, the management know of my conditions and are quite sympathetic (i.e. I'm cheap labor because I'm self-educated, been there too long and know too much to be replaced easily). My other co-workers know too, but I don't really care what they think. I've manage to isolate a few of them, but that's OK as well...less bothering me.
Right now, I'm dealing with an extremely pushy Bipolar younger Sister who has the best of intentions, but thinks I should just "get over' the whole hospital thing because it's been "over two months ago" and is forcing me back into therapy which isn't helping because, well, it's therapy. Since my Sister is the only person I trust/like, I'm doing it, but I don't want to because I think the whole process is useless.
My Sister doesn't get who I am at all and thinks I'm choosing to be this way...that I'm using my Aspergers as an excuse and that I can stop it anytime I want to. For someone so very smart (and a highly educated medical professional mind-you), she is extremely dumb sometimes. She also doesn't like that I've shut out an extremely dependent Aunt that I normally deal with, but now she has to since I won't. She thinks if I can get "fixed", then I can go back to dealing with the Aunt problem (not a euphemism). She doesn't think I know that this is her true motive for getting me "fixed", but of course I do.
I guess I came here to hopefully find help and answers with how to deal with my Sister and therapist and make them understand that I can't just "get over" being locked up or even being an Asper for that matter. I've never had to be fake around my Sister and I don't want to start now, but I'm beginning to think that it's the only way to get her off my back and since she's the only person in the world I can say I probably "love", I'm afraid it will ruin our relationship if I can't be my "true" self around her. I've never had to fake it with her before, but she's never been like this before either.
I also need help with trying to deal with a therapist who knows nothing about Aspers. I can't get out of going for my Sister's sake, so do I just nod my head and smile, and let the therapist try and screw up the next Asper she comes into contact with, or do I try to at least make some sort of effort to educate her and how do I do that? Should a so-called professional treat a condition they aren't trained for in the first place? I think there should be a law against it. She's also pushing hard for me to get back on psychotropic drugs, which I am refusing to do,much to her dismay. I can't convince her that they were the problem in the first place. She's convinced that I'm depressed and that depression is driving me anti-social...again, a complete lack of Asper-acknowledgement.
And lastly, and I guess more importantly, how to I get myself back to "myself"? How I can I make this whole hospital mess go away? I don't want to be an NT, but I do have to function in that world because I don't have a significant other and I do have to keep a roof over my head, so how do I get back to being me again at least enough to get the mundane stuff accomplished? Can one actually lose a lifetime of social training or am I just being stubborn because I don't want to deal? Right now, even I don't know my own mind which I guess is why I've come here hoping to find answers with like-minded (pardon the pun) individuals.
I don't want to deal with therapists and psychiatrists but, for my Sister's sake, right now I have to. Does anyone have any suggestions? I've read dozens of articles about how vitamins can help Aspers, but they never say which vitamins or how much...anyone have any clues in that area or have any thoughts for or against vitamins versus pharmas?
That's my story! Sorry for the rambling, I tend to do that!
