Hobby problems and meltdowns. Need advice.

[Ya Boi]

I had a really rough time yesterday and I'm not sure what to do going forward. I collect and play Warhammer 40k as a hobby, and unfortunately, it hasn't been going well for me. When I'm not telling myself my models suck because I don't paint them using the company's official paint, I'm running the army with the lowest win percentage and getting upset over it. I have a better army I can use, but I have a stronger attachment to the worse one that leads to me constantly using them. This has led to multiple times where I have or get close to having meltdowns from losing or being demolished in games, and what happened yesterday may be the worst it's ever been.

I played against someone at a game store and even knowing my army wasn't the best, I thought maybe I'll do good enough this time and at least have a close match. This didn't happen and I got upset not only due to my army's terrible rules but because I was having a lot of bad luck and my opponent was having a lot of good luck (the feeling that I only have bad luck and my opponent only has good luck is another thing that makes me upset).

It was also Magic the Gathering and D&D Adventures League night, so it was also really loud and triggered my hearing sensitivity. But one of the biggest things that bothered me was my opponent. I have a hard time remembering and understanding all the rules and while I think he was trying to properly teach me everything; he came off as so condescending in both the tone of his voice and how he talked. There were times when I would try to do something, he would tell me it was wrong, I would try to do what I think is right based on what he was saying, only to be told that too was wrong. That, combined with everything else I brought up, made the game really upsetting.

I ended up calling the game a little over three hours in cause I had enough and couldn't emotionally handle it anymore, and he said "ok, but just for reference it's polite to try and finish the game." He then brought up that I take too long during my turns and how it could be annoying for the other player. I could tell I was not controlling my emotions the best and I know without a doubt I came off as very annoyed, upset, and or frustrated. I feel bad that I couldn't control myself, but I have a hard time controlling my emotions and not letting every little thing get to me.

But the worst thing I did was after the game. He asked me how much experience I had playing and despite playing for years, I lied and said I had only been playing for a few months in an attempt to save face. I didn't think about it at the time, but I realize now that things could get really bad between us if meet him at the store again and he finds out I lied. I thought at the beginning of the game that maybe he could be good friend material, but after everything that happened and everything I did, I think I killed that possibility, and I'm starting to think I should never visit that particular store again.

So yeah, I'm struggling a lot with this. I know there are a lot of things I can do to improve, like not playing the worst army and waiting to see if they improve in the next edition or trying to understand the rules better, but I'm more worried about my emotions. I wanted to use my hobby as a way to make friends, but I'm worried it's going to lead to me becoming a game store horror story. To anyone who has experience controlling emotions and holding in meltdowns, how do you do it? How do you stop your emotions from getting the better of you?

Edit: some more stuff about me and my opponent. I think one of the reason he had to point out and inform me about rules was because I was under so much stress from the noise and misfortune that I wasn’t as aware of what what’s happening and what I was doing as I should have been.

I probably should have realized what I was doing wrong, but my brain couldn’t process what was wrong properly and tried to correct my mistake without properly thinking it through. So while I was getting annoyed at how he was talking to me, he was probably getting annoyed at me making basic mistakes and getting frustrated when he pointed them out.

 

[Mary Terry]

It sounds like you need to take a break from playing games. These are merely games. They are not reality. Please try to put this into perspective and consider finding some other hobby that won't upset you so much and that might help you make friends.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

My best advice is to play in a different environment. It seems like the noise in the game store is bothering you, and exacerbating the frustration you feel when things aren't going well. Can you find some meetups online where people are playing at their homes (maybe at a local Warhammer forum or Facebook group?). You can also fish for how interested people would be at visiting you if you offer to host a match.

It might be a good idea to tell your opponent beforehand about some of your frustrations when playing, and issues around noise. It should reduce the pressure and the feeling you are getting around bothering or frustrating your opponent.

It might also help to try playing against yourself. Can you practice by playing your favourite team against your best team? It might help you figure out weaknesses, even if it isn't the same as playing against another player (since you know all the plans), or at least prepare you more for when things go wrong.

 

[Misery]

Okay, I gotta point something out right here:

When I'm not telling myself my models suck because I don't paint them using the company's official paint

That... doesnt matter. That doesnt matter. Paint is paint. You could call it "Games Workshop OFFICIAL PAINTS" or you could call it "yay good color time goo" and it's still the same blasted substance. The reason why one is "official" and one is not is to get you to pay for the one that gives the main company money. That is literally the only reason.

Keep in mind with all of this: Warhammer... and Games Workshop's products as a whole... are not designed for you to have fun. The company as a whole is very notorious for extreme greed. Their stuff is designed to keep you BUYING, and to get you addicted (which leads to more buying).

As it is, Warhammer, as a game, is very blatantly pay-to-win. It doesnt matter how good or bad you may be at strategizing if your opponent spent the big bucks for a statistically superior set that's way beyond what you can afford. That sort of thing. I strongly suspect this is also why the game is so imbalanced. So that when players realize that, oops, they bought the "wrong" or "bad" set or army or whatever term you'd like to use, well gee golly, I guess the solution is to give Games Workshop more money.

Games like Magic do the same thing. Uh oh, the "meta" has advanced and now your deck is obsolete, or the cards in it have been rotated out of Standard... time to give WotC more money to solve that. What's that? You dont want to pay that much? Well I guess you're stuck with that weak deck made mostly of common cards. The only way is to pay.

Dont get me wrong: It's okay to play these games, to have these hobbies. But it's very important to actually understand what is BEHIND them. So that you wont fall into the traps that are put there on purpose by the ones running the show.


Beyond that, I have a couple of suggestions.

Firstly, try to find some people who will play more casual "for fun" matches with you. The sorts of matches where neither of you are truly taking it seriously, and you can even just mess around a bit and try odd tactics that wouldnt fly in a full-on competitive match. This doesnt just apply to Warhammer, this applies to anything that is competitive. When you find someone like that, who will happily do that with you, not only will you have a better experience, but it leads to proper practice (you're getting experience and knowledge through that unusual experimentation), AND, best of all, you could make a real friend that way. And that's worth shooting for, eh? Wheras it's much harder to make "friends" with someone who is just being a condescending jerk because you arent playing in what they consider to be the "right" way.

Second, vary things up a bit. A lesson that I had to learn the very hard way is that it's not a good idea to laser-focus too much on just one activity/hobby/whatever. Based on how you're talking here, it kinda sounds like you might be doing that. If you dont already have another hobby, try to find one. That way, when this one is getting you overly aggravated, you can say "okay, I'm gonna step back and go do this other thing for awhile" and that's a great way to keep yourself cooled down, instead of being constantly heated up.

There's more I could say here, but I think that's enough for one post.

 

[Magnus]

I understand. I hope you won't mind me pulling rank : I started playing tabletop wargames with figures when I was 11 years old (55 years ago!), although I play online and TTRPGs mostly now.

Firstly Misery is dead right:

Keep in mind with all of this: Warhammer... and Games Workshop's products as a whole... are not designed for you to have fun. The company as a whole is very notorious for extreme greed. Their stuff is designed to keep you BUYING, and to get you addicted (which leads to more buying).

I mostly played tabletop wargames for fun. It's bigger than Warhammer. They should be a friendly atmosphere. IMO: competitive games can be fraught and bring out the worst in some people, including cheats, nutters, and rulebook lawyers.

Much better to find a friendlier local wargames club or shop. We also played at home and you can certainly play 40K at home with a friend: you have two armies. There are lots of different kinds of wargames to play, and I found GW rulesets to be rather bad, in my limited experience of them.

Although they are noisy, you can go to games conventions and play drop-in games. Here's a WW2 Naval game called Dark Seas. Huge fun, 2 players a side* US v Japanese and my side (USN) won, but there wasn't any unpleasantness, despite a couple of disagreements over rules.

*I agree with misery about playing with friends, and in teams too.

 

[Magnus]

That's Dave n Pete: very long time gaming friends of mine: it was a pleasure beating the snot out of them. Then we went to the bar and had some beers. They did complain that the Japanese warships were undergunned, but US torpedoes at this point in the war are truly rubbish, so it evened out.

 

[Magnus]

BTW on the aesthetics of beautifully-painted armies front: I was playing in a D&D campaign for a long time and a civil war erupted in the country: the players raised vast armies, but we didn't have any figures so had to use cardboard counters.

These looked visually unimpressive (even awful, and were adversely commented on, on the few occasions we played in public), but some of the games were the most exciting and challenging wargames I have played, because there was a lot at stake, including the lives of beloved RPG characters. Several PCs died on the battlefields.

So although great painting is good, it's just the icing on the cake.

 

[AspieChris]

To anyone who has experience controlling emotions and holding in meltdowns, how do you do it? How do you stop your emotions from getting the better of you?

When I was about 18 years old I went fishing with my Dad. Didn’t catch a single fish. Afterwards on the way home, my father asked me if I was disappointed. I said “No” and it was true. I had decided BEFORE the trip that I didn’t expect to catch anything (mainly because I already knew he was a moron and he was only trying to bond with me after a lifetime of neglecting his children). Without realizing it, I accidentally stumbled on a solution to this type of problem for myself.

If there’s a competition or anything where I could possibly lose or fail, I try to convince myself in advance that my plan is to lose. Not that I’ll be a ‘loser’, but that I’m not playing to win. I’m playing because I enjoy the game or companionship with another person who wants to play. If I encounter an opponent who is aggressively trying to win then I try to focus on how sad it is that they’re unhappy (without being mean or laughing). If I lose then I get exactly what I expected. If I win, I get a little excited. But I’m only there to play and maybe learn something from the guy who bested me.

I no longer take pride in trophies or accolades. I still fail at this occasionally, but not often. If there’s a game (like monopoly) where I always have bad luck… I go to watch, not play. It’s all about learning instead of winning. Sometimes I actually win and it feels pretty good. But ‘competing’ is a mistake. If I focus on enjoying the game then I can have a good time just being there. Win, lose, or just watching….. I’m there to learn and kill some time. And if I only go to watch and learn, then I can leave whenever I want without seeming like a weirdo.

 

[AspieChris]

One more thing:
The whole thing about using the wrong paint. Anybody who judges you for it is actually being a bully. It’s not really any different than tripping in the hallway at school and the bullies all point and laugh. It’s a way that empty people make themselves feel ‘big’ by making others feel ‘small’. It’s very subtle but it is bullying. You use that paint because it’s what you want to do and it makes you happy. People who try to put you down for it don’t deserve your attention.

It helps me to prepare my responses in advance. When I’m alone I might just tell myself that I shouldn’t care. I didn’t do it for you, I did it for myself and I like it the way it is. Then when it happens that someone makes a negative comment, I’m prepared with my internal response. I can immediately say to myself when it happens “I don’t care what you think. It’s not yours. You do you and I’m doing me”

It’s the stress of being judged in a split second that I wasn’t prepared for. My brain turns itself off and I can’t think clearly enough to respond. I can’t even add 2+2. But If I practice my responses that all basically lead to “I don’t care what they think”, the stress in that moment disappears and I can continue to think clearly. And it helps me to defend myself verbally and smartly.

 

[eg3210]

TLDR: you are doing better then you think, try to plan in advance to play during quiet times. Let people know if you're stressed and maybe reschedule.

I think you are doing AWESOME just going to play! For years I wanted to play table top and never did because I was too afraid I'd embarrass myself in front of people. I didn't know until recently that I was autistic, before that I thought... Well bad thoughts about myself.

So fist off congratulate yourself on that, I know I'm not the only one here that's jealous of your strength and bravery. Even if that might sound silly to an NT, it is, legit, something really impressive to me.

Second I like the advice of not taking it seriously or using the army that is easier to win, but if that's your special interest then that might be too hard. I'm super into fishing and sometimes I get really into a technique that is much more difficult then necessary , but it doesn't sooth or fullfil me the same way if I don't do it that way. And most the time if I have a bad day fishing I'm ok. But if I'm really stressed or I've had a few bad outings in a row I can get bummed out.

My advice, try not to be hard on yourself if you feel upset. Don't tell yourself this is just a game that you shouldn't take it seriously. If this is important to you then it's important to you. You are allowed to feel bad when something important goes badly. I mean try to work on your self esteem and remind yourself you are cool and strong in other areas. But don't beat yourself up for feeling bad about something that makes you feel bad.

Also if lots of people and noise stresses you out, check the schedule and avoid going to the shop when there are other events scheduled. Even if thee is something I've done hundreds of time with no trouble, once I'm stressed or there are people distracting me and making noise, I'll fumble around and mess up like it's my first time doing it. Then I'm full of shame and embarrassment and it gets worse.

And my new favorite advice is to tell people about your issues. Now I'm comfortable enough to just straight up tell people I'm autistic, and that I sometimes get overwhelmed with noise or whatever, and might have to bail soon. But if that's too much for you just say something like "I get stressed out with so many people around" or sorry "too much noise gets me distracted and I have trouble remembering rules sometimes, I hope your cool with that." Or lastly "maybe we can take a break and finish the game another time."

I was always terrified people would find out I was different and odd. Usually the more I tried to hide it or ignore it the more stressed I'd be and the worse people would respond. But the more I'm open and honest the more I find people are usually fine with it and understanding. Close to half the people I tell say that they have their own issues or someone in their life has them and they understand. And if they are not cool with it then I know they aren't someone I should be around.

Specifically with that guy you thought could be a friend, next time you see him, try letting him know why you ended the game and see if he is cool. Maybe saying something like "sorry I didn't let you finish the game last time, didn't mean to seem rude, I just get overwhelmed (stressed, sketched out by, whatever you like) with so much noise and the shop was wild that night. If you're interested, I'd be down try again ." And if it fits in and you're comfortable you could even add "I'm usually better then that, in fact I've actually been playing for a while but was kinda embarrassed after that last game." Honestly he and anyone else around probably don't care. The stuff we think is super embarrassing is stuff many NTs don't even remember or care about.

One last thing like the others said, if you don't have any other strong hobbies or interests, try to cultivate one. I purposely tried a bunch of things till I found out I really like drawing. I'm disabled and needed another special interest for when I'm not able to fish. It took me a while and I tried a dozen different things like yoyo, devil sticks coin tricks, coin rolling... Lots of stuff but I finally found out drawing works and now I know I can do that when I'm not able to fish, or when fishing goes badly.

Sorry it's so long. It's all the stuff I want to be able to tell to my younger self.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Okay, I gotta point something out right here:



That... doesnt matter. That doesnt matter. Paint is paint. You could call it "Games Workshop OFFICIAL PAINTS" or you could call it "yay good color time goo" and it's still the same blasted substance. The reason why one is "official" and one is not is to get you to pay for the one that gives the main company money. That is literally the only reason.

Keep in mind with all of this: Warhammer... and Games Workshop's products as a whole... are not designed for you to have fun. The company as a whole is very notorious for extreme greed. Their stuff is designed to keep you BUYING, and to get you addicted (which leads to more buying).

As it is, Warhammer, as a game, is very blatantly pay-to-win. It doesnt matter how good or bad you may be at strategizing if your opponent spent the big bucks for a statistically superior set that's way beyond what you can afford. That sort of thing. I strongly suspect this is also why the game is so imbalanced. So that when players realize that, oops, they bought the "wrong" or "bad" set or army or whatever term you'd like to use, well gee golly, I guess the solution is to give Games Workshop more money.

Games like Magic do the same thing. Uh oh, the "meta" has advanced and now your deck is obsolete, or the cards in it have been rotated out of Standard... time to give WotC more money to solve that. What's that? You dont want to pay that much? Well I guess you're stuck with that weak deck made mostly of common cards. The only way is to pay.

Dont get me wrong: It's okay to play these games, to have these hobbies. But it's very important to actually understand what is BEHIND them. So that you wont fall into the traps that are put there on purpose by the ones running the show.


Beyond that, I have a couple of suggestions.

Firstly, try to find some people who will play more casual "for fun" matches with you. The sorts of matches where neither of you are truly taking it seriously, and you can even just mess around a bit and try odd tactics that wouldnt fly in a full-on competitive match. This doesnt just apply to Warhammer, this applies to anything that is competitive. When you find someone like that, who will happily do that with you, not only will you have a better experience, but it leads to proper practice (you're getting experience and knowledge through that unusual experimentation), AND, best of all, you could make a real friend that way. And that's worth shooting for, eh? Wheras it's much harder to make "friends" with someone who is just being a condescending jerk because you arent playing in what they consider to be the "right" way.

Second, vary things up a bit. A lesson that I had to learn the very hard way is that it's not a good idea to laser-focus too much on just one activity/hobby/whatever. Based on how you're talking here, it kinda sounds like you might be doing that. If you dont already have another hobby, try to find one. That way, when this one is getting you overly aggravated, you can say "okay, I'm gonna step back and go do this other thing for awhile" and that's a great way to keep yourself cooled down, instead of being constantly heated up.

There's more I could say here, but I think that's enough for one post.

Ha ha no offence I made my living working with paint. Expert on industrial painting. fortunately, I Don't play games

 

[Magnus]

One other thing about games: there's been a movement away from "winner takes all" competitive boardgames like Monopoly. There is a whole genre of "Co-op" games where you play with other people to reach an objective: Settlers of Catan is probably the most famous: you have to trade and co-operate as well as compete to build a civilisation on an island. There are Victory Points but everybody gains from social activity: it's not hyper-competitive.

I went to a boardgames convention (in a castle!), played lots of games over 3 days, some I didn't like, but a Kickstarter Co-Op game called "The Captain's Dead" was fab: players are the crew of the Enterprise (Kirk/Picard has snuffed it) and you have to fix the failing starship, while hostile aliens are attacking constantly.

So all the players have different skills and it's a race against the clock before the engines explode or the aliens kill everyone. In one game I was the Emergency Medical Hologram, so another player had to fix my teleport system so I could shut down the radiation leak in the Engine Room (immune to it), then the other players could burst in and shoot the aliens and fix the engine, which as a hologram I can't do. Was my fave game of the event.

So there are other options nowadays of types of game: obviously there is still the sensory overload aspect, as many of these venues are quite noisy, especially when people are excited and yelling things like "Eat Phaser, You Alien Scum!!"

 

[AspieChris]

Also if lots of people and noise stresses you out, check the schedule and avoid going to the shop when there are other events scheduled. Even if thee is something I've done hundreds of time with no trouble, once I'm stressed or there are people distracting me and making noise, I'll fumble around and mess up like it's my first time doing it. Then I'm full of shame and embarrassment and it gets worse.

That’s exactly what happens to me too…. and I’m 50 years old. It never goes away.