Honesty and Relationships

[Opia]

Hey guys.

I don't really know where to start with this, because I have so many emotions about this topic and they're so entangled that it's hard to make sense of them sometimes. I'm not even sure there's a point I'm trying to make here. Maybe I just need to vent.
I've always had trouble making and keeping friends in my life, because it's hard for me to be completely honest with everyone about who I am. I've noticed a pattern over the years in which I'll make a new friend, but either keep them at a safe distance from me or begin to avoid them completely until they're no longer a part of my life. Of course, because of this, I've never really had a true friend, and it's mostly my fault. But I guess I could say that society is to blame as well, because I live in a very judgmental town, which makes being myself rather difficult. Not only is it hard to connect with people because of my narrow interests and lack of social skills, but I'm also hiding so much of myself from the world, and it takes a toll on me in many ways. I need to open up to people, but I don't know when or how I should.
And right now, one of my acquaintances is just adding fuel to the fire. I call him an acquaintance because I don't really consider him a friend, even though he considers me a close friend and thinks I do the same. His views are completely opposite of mine. He's a very devout Christian; I'm an atheist. He's very homophobic (and transphobic); I'm anything but straight. He's just all-around very conservative, and I consider myself to be very liberal. This is the same for every one of my family members and acquaintances. I'm uncomfortable around him, and even though there's a very clear way to resolve my issue, I find it extremely difficult to be honest about who I am. Every time I visit him, I feel more of the desire to tell him the truth about me. It seems like the perfect opportunity to "test the waters" of how the people in my life will react to the truth, but I still find it so difficult.
I can't tell if this is the right time. I've always thought that it'd be so much easier if I were in a romantic relationship, with love and support and a "safety net" to fall into if things turn out the way I expect them to after I come out - at least I'd have that one person to turn to. But what if that doesn't happen for another 5 years? What if it never happens at all? I want so much to be honest with everyone, to finally begin my life as me, but I have so many fears about what will happen when I do. Since I have so many fears and uncertainties, does it mean that the time isn't right, or am I just a coward who needs to stand up for what I believe in?
I hope this post doesn't seem dramatic. Sometimes it simply isn't easy to be honest about these things, especially when you live in a place like I do. The people here are very judgmental, and much of my family is probably going to disown me, so it's difficult to know what should be done about this. All I know is that keeping myself locked away is becoming very tiring, mentally and physically.

 

[Bolletje]

Coming out is stressful, having to do so while being surrounded by judgmental people is even worse. You're not a coward, you're simply looking out for yourself.

 

[Katleya]

If the relationship with your acquaintance is taking a toll on you & making you suffer, the "right" time should come as a secondary concern.
But I think it's natural to hope for a time when things are a little better before cutting off people, so the role it plays can't be denied.

Here's a thought (for what it's worth), members here generally quickly find their place on the forum, and I think it's safe to say we end up viewing this place as our safety net. So maybe you could give it a little while to build your support network here, and then maybe you'll feel more ready to make a decision on your acquaintance? You shouldn't let that person's rejection, or the fear of his rejection, hurt you.

 

[Momo]

Coming out is a real b***, let alone with those types of folk. Try China, they're super nice about anything considered outside the norm, like treating homosexuality as a mental disorder and mental disorders as a blight upon the world! If you want support here's one place to find it, and honestly, with people like that you may as well tell them all the little juicy tidbits they could ever want! I did it, and the looks of horror made it all worth it Then again, I can be a bit of a devil may care diva sometimes... And you are not a coward for protecting yourself, I just kind of gave up on having a good public perception, you can't drop any further when you're already at the bottom.

 

[OlLiE]

a friend is not a friend if they don't really know you, they are a friend of the image you project, an image you most likely won't be able to maintain, focus on quality of friend not quantity, why would anyone want to keep a friend who doesn't accept you for who you are

 

[ksheehan88]

I second Ollie.

I gave up pretending to make people like me. I have three proper friends, and I like it that way because they love me for ME.

 

[The Penguin]

I second Ollie.

I gave up pretending to make people like me. I have three proper friends, and I like it that way because they love me for ME.

Is the same for me. There a few people I do speak with on a regular regular basis accept me as is.

It does suck I'm losing other people known me most of my life since I'm being someone outside the norm. However, I don't want those type of people in my life since they not doing any good for me.

 

[Ambi]

You do not have to answer this, but I would consider whether you harbor any self-hatred or discomfort towards yourself. Imho, that is the core thing. It is even possible, when self-hatred is within, to project it out onto other people, so then it's like 2 problems wrapped in one.

Next question: if you were to come out, to whom would it be first, and why? And would there be stipulations placed on them - do they just have to accept that about you, or would they have to validate and support that about you?

 

[Jet Weiss]

I feel for you, coming out can be very stressful and many people are judgmental.
I agree with the others in saying that a friend who doesn't know you is not a real friend.
You should find friends who you can be yourself around, and who will accept you for who you are and will not judge you.

 

[Opia]

You do not have to answer this, but I would consider whether you harbor any self-hatred or discomfort towards yourself. Imho, that is the core thing. It is even possible, when self-hatred is within, to project it out onto other people, so then it's like 2 problems wrapped in one.

Next question: if you were to come out, to whom would it be first, and why? And would there be stipulations placed on them - do they just have to accept that about you, or would they have to validate and support that about you?

This is true; I do tend to harbor a lot of shame and guilt about who I am, and it makes liking myself kind of hard sometimes. I guess it's because I was raised to believe that being this way is a terrible, shameful thing, and for about 18 years, I actually believed it and tried to repress it. I guess I'm still kind of getting used to being this way, and still trying to learn to accept myself on a deeper level. A large part of the problem is the lack of validation from others, because I tend to be pretty dependent on it, regrettably.
If I were to come out to someone, I guess I'd turn to my sister. She seems more open-minded than the rest of my family. But it's tempting to tell my aforementioned acquaintance about it first, since, in the end, it really doesn't matter if he stays in my life. I just thought that he'd make a good "practice round," to give me an idea of what else I have to look forward to.

The relationship I have with him doesn't make me suffer - it's just that the things he says are hurtful, and they're progressively frustrating me to the point that I may just end up snapping at him one day and finally revealing the truth. I know I shouldn't let people who don't accept me stay in my life. I just have so many mixed emotions about it; it's difficult to explain. I think I will try to get myself into a better support system before I really say anything, just to make myself feel more comfortable.

Anyway, thank you for all of the kind replies. It really means a lot to me.