Honesty not always the best policy...

[AsheSkyler]

My husband meandered into my room once and asked me what I was working on. I thought about it for a split moment about whether to give him a single sentence or be honest, then proceeded to tell him in the standard over-detailed Aspie honest way. He was spared the mathematical aspect of it because I had not found the formulas I needed for that part of the project. I noticed the blank look on his face and had to giggle. Didn't I read somewhere once about Aspies not having much of a filter and putting other people into sensory/info overload on a regular basis? Just think if he'd caught me in the middle of a special interest rather than a passing one!

So, got any stories of when you were a bit too honest or that your ability to truncate failed you?

 

[Alysha]

I'm the worst with this...lol. I always find myself being a little too frank with people and accidentally hurting their feelings. Smh

 

[Major]

I remember the day I learned a harsh lessen about honesty heh heh. Mom's friend was over and she had a very very very active son who liked to hang out with my brother when they were over. I was just drawing and my moms friend asked me where my brother was because her son was here to "hang out" I said as if it was no big deal.. "oh he is hiding from him right now because he doesn't like hanging out with him". I got into quite a lot of trouble for that. I can still here the tone in her voice "why would you say that to me" grabbing my face to make me look at her and waiting for an answer and saying several times "why would you say such a thing" and the only reply I could come up with was that it was true I wasn't lying. It made no sense why I was in so much trouble.

 

[On the Inside]

I have been accused of being dishonest because I didn't tell the whole story (quiet Aspie), and gotten in trouble for telling the whole truth and then some ( over talkative, over sharing Aspie). It seems a difficult and treacherous balance.

 

[Progster]

I tend to correct people a lot when I feel that what they are saying is not precise enough, when they are exaggerating or when they are wrong about something, and this isn't always appreciated.

 

[Slithytoves]

I can think of one, also entailing a cross-cultural element.

The first time I went to the UK, I was leaving the airport by myself and was trying to get my bearings. A young man walked past, nodded his head at me and said, "You all right?" I didn't know the expression is often used in England just as a greeting, like "Hi, how are you?" and so proceeded to tell the guy my whole situation of the moment. He looked surprised, puzzled, and a little impatient. I didn't figure out that last part until I had run down my whole deal to him. (I wasn't exactly in "reading people" mode.)

He ended up feeling obligated to help me. I felt like an ass.

 

[clg114]

One of the benefits of my advanced age is being able to see social signs that everyone else recognized years ago. If I see that the truth is going to hurt someone for no good reason, I think that a white lie may be in order. But I have to think about it first, that can backfire on you very easily. Sometimes, when someone asks me something very technical, they don't get the whole truth. To explain something to someone who wont understand. is a waste of my time and theirs. Here again, I have to think about it first. Any time you are less than 100% honest you are taking a chance and it is my nature to be honest. In the past, the truth has caused me some problems. So I think that honesty is not always the best policy, but be careful.

 

[grommet]

So, got any stories of when you were a bit too honest or that your ability to truncate failed you?

I have done this most of my life. Once I was trying to explain why the polypropylene rope we used on our life ring was good because it was brightly colored and would float (lower specific gravity than the seawater) but we had to replace it often because the exposure to ultraviolet light would break down the polymer cross-links and though the structure would look whole, it would actually crumble in your hand while appearing in good shape. The eyes of the person I was speaking to, glazed over quickly.

 

[Beverly]

I am notorious for giving too much information. Do not ask me how I am if you do not want to know about everything form the spot on my glasses that is annoying me, to the mild ache in my back from weeding the garden, the new scratch on my arm from my wolfdogs this morning, my two broken fingernails because of a rabbit feeder malfunction while I was feeding last evening and, my annoyance that I have peeling on my arm from a mild sunburn last weekend and, my never ending frustration with recurring cluster headaches.

My worst errors in this were when I was performing and interviewers would ask me if our near perfect lead vocalist had ever missed a note. I would detail every time he did so, in vivid detail of the location, why he was singing there, what caused the missed note, what note it should have been, how he could have prevented it, and if it was mastered out or re recorded, or was in a live performance and, where one could get a copy of the song with the missed note audible.

That soon became a question on the do not ask list given to interviewer prior to us being interviewed.

And don't get me going on home canning, I will explain why a pressure caner raises water to temperatures beyond the boiling point, how atmospheric pressure affects plants, animal and people, why humidity affect bread making and divinity making, why some foods need to be pressure canned, a why fish takes the longest to can while others can be water bath canned, how much slat is needed with how much of which type of acid to safely prevent food spoilage wile maintaining the best flavor a color of each type of food and, that generally leads to how the salt water filter on my pool generates chlorine and chlorinates my pool. Definitely eye roll worth to my would be listeners. *shrug* That's me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Canning... *shudder* Bane of my childhood. Every summer, my dad stomping and growling around the house, sometimes making me get out in a field before I've even been able to get my contacts in (and thus freak out all day long until I get back to the house because there's no way I would be able to see a snake on the ground unless it moved), all day long shelling and cutting produce, and then staying up half the night watching that $%^&*ing canner gauge so it doesn't go boom. About the only canning I would willing do now is maybe green beans and definitely pickling some cayenne peppers. The rest of it, nah ah, no interest! I especially hate preparing corn. Silking corn is a royal pain in the neck!

 

[grommet]

I am notorious for giving too much information. Do not ask me how I am if you do not want to know about everything form the spot on my glasses that is annoying me, to the mild ache in my back from weeding the garden, the new scratch on my arm from my wolfdogs this morning, my two broken fingernails because of a rabbit feeder malfunction while I was feeding last evening and, my annoyance that I have peeling on my arm from a mild sunburn last weekend and, my never ending frustration with recurring cluster headaches.

My worst errors in this were when I was performing and interviewers would ask me if our near perfect lead vocalist had ever missed a note. I would detail every time he did so, in vivid detail of the location, why he was singing there, what caused the missed note, what note it should have been, how he could have prevented it, and if it was mastered out or re recorded, or was in a live performance and, where one could get a copy of the song with the missed note audible.

That soon became a question on the do not ask list given to interviewer prior to us being interviewed.

And don't get me going on home canning, I will explain why a pressure caner raises water to temperatures beyond the boiling point, how atmospheric pressure affects plants, animal and people, why humidity affect bread making and divinity making, why some foods need to be pressure canned, a why fish takes the longest to can while others can be water bath canned, how much slat is needed with how much of which type of acid to safely prevent food spoilage wile maintaining the best flavor a color of each type of food and, that generally leads to how the salt water filter on my pool generates chlorine and chlorinates my pool. Definitely eye roll worth to my would be listeners. *shrug* That's me.

I think that's all very interesting. Those are things I would like to know (regarding canning).

On you giving all that information when asked about a performer .. I've done that when people have asked me to review their work. It's always turned out badly. I am dead-on accurate but apparently something I am doing hurts their feelings and makes them angry towards me. For years now this is the reason I say no when people ask me.

My only frustration when someone shares a lot is aspies tend not to slow down enough so that I can learn what they are teaching.

 

[Beverly]

Yeah, famous singers don't appreciated the world knowing their voice is less perfect than what the public hears indicates. We all know that nobody is 100% perfect all of the time at anything they do but, if you're famous, you don't like it when some Aspie tells the world you are not perfect.

Personally I don't care, I'm not perfect and, I would rather people know that. I'm not perfect but I am good at what I have chosen to dedicate myself to learning and, anyone can do what I've done, and more. I won't lie and say it's easy, especially when you are on the spectrum but, for decades I didn't know what was wrong with me, just that I was different and, I failed miserably in any social situation. I liked things others did not and, things that didn't bother them, drove me to distraction or even physically hurt sometimes.

I have been called inattentive, a liar (for not looking people in the eye when I speak to them), slow, uncoordinated, lazy, unwilling to focus, etc... Even got told I had BPD once but that therapist was a bit of a quack, told me to do some illegal stuff because it was readily available in the situation I was in and, it would "solve" my problems. Yeah well, it did on one hand, but it caused more problems in the long term.

And I'll shut up now before I ramble right off your screen.

 

[umbrellabeach]

One time I was in a VBS class hosted by a friend church of my old church and they asked me if I'd be coming back during the rest of the week. I said I didn't know because I'd heard my parents saying the host church didn't preach the truth (as most churches don't). Everyone got really stunned at that and then the teacher leader person quickly moved on to something else. Hehe.
I did later get in trouble for saying that, but why? That's what my parents had said. I'd heard them, and they'd always told me not to lie. I would later learn that it's apparently good to lie in order to make people feel good. Double standards...
I've also found that lying is a very effective tactic for getting my parents not to shove me into a mental hospital. For example, saying I'm sorry for things when I'm really not. It's not the truth but it gets them to leave me alone until they find something else to explode at me about.

 

[grommet]

One time I was in a VBS class hosted by a friend church of my old church and they asked me if I'd be coming back during the rest of the week. I said I didn't know because I'd heard my parents saying the host church didn't preach the truth (as most churches don't). Everyone got really stunned at that and then the teacher leader person quickly moved on to something else. Hehe.
I did later get in trouble for saying that, but why? That's what my parents had said. I'd heard them, and they'd always told me not to lie. I would later learn that it's apparently good to lie in order to make people feel good. Double standards...
I've also found that lying is a very effective tactic for getting my parents not to shove me into a mental hospital. For example, saying I'm sorry for things when I'm really not. It's not the truth but it gets them to leave me alone until they find something else to explode at me about.

I wish this was not true but I have found the same thing. Aspies learning when and when not to tell the truth is very confusing. We always want to tell the truth and on top of that, we are told over and over that it is best to be honest. Then we get punched and yelled at, people get so mad, they stop talking to us, they frown, maybe there is even legal trouble. So we are left in a very confusing place.

My landlord once told me to sign a document that was going to the federal government but the information on it was no longer correct. To explain, I had applied a medical expense against my income but my landlord said I didn't do it in the right order and they couldn't count it. So I returned the item which was several thousand dollars. Then my landlord wanted me to sign the original document I had claimed the expense on, saying that he would change it later. I said no. It's a federal document, that would be a lie and I could go to jail. They seemed casual about it in the office, about how I should just sign it and they would make a new document later. No way I could do that. I couldn't believe he would ask. But they all seemed in agreement and very comfortable with their idea. Only I did not.

It happens so often for us, aspies being left out, being the one in the room who doesn't understand why everyone is doing the wrong thing.

There are posted speed limits but nobody follows them and people tell me all the time that it's okay. Okay, then why not change the speed limit? Why do the people on eBay thank me for paying? I am supposed to pay. Everybody is supposed to follow the rules and when I do, I have so much trouble. There are the written rules and then there are the rules that everybody else knows about. I was even refused a job because I said I would follow the rules they just told me. they said there was some flexibility and I said well couldn't they just write that down? They did not like me. They wanted to keep the official rules but also have everyone know that there was a flexibility that would be an under-policy. I can't think like that.

 

[Beverly]

I struggle with when to tell a white lie, or even omit information that I think is relevant. I also see rules as just that rules and rules should ALWAYS be followed.

Outback Steakhouse commercials confuse me. "No rules, just right." but I know there are rules for cooking food and, all manner of horrible things happen if you do not follow those rules.

I can handle being given a rule and one or two specific exception to that rule but, not a rule not really being a rule. If it is a suggested guideline, then call it that, don't call it a rule.

One of my exes was bad for that with me. He would tell me that he wanted something done a certain way every time, then get mad at me for doing it that way in a different location or situation. For example, he told me he always had to have garlic butter put on his steak before I served it to him. I grilled steaks and made a blue cheese sauce for them. I put garlic butter and the blue chees sauce on his steak because he always had to have garlic butter on his steak. He was infuriated at me, and yelled, informing me that garlic butter does not go with blue cheese. Well, I knew that but, he had previously told me that his steak should always have garlic butter. I was following the rules but, should have broken the rules.

 

[Sully]

During my teenage years my mother thought my brother was going through a tough time and suggested that I spend more time with him. A few days later he asked if I wanted to go somewhere and I said, "yeah, mom said I should..." then my mother stopped me mid-sentence. I guess her suggestion wasn't supposed to be shared with him.

I also practice ultra-adherence to rules. Once during a test in college a classmate asked me for an answer. I was in complete shock that someone would ever do that. I just looked down at my paper. He was also my lab partner and I didn't want to see him again so I dropped the class and lost hundreds of dollars and almost missed my deadline to graduate.

 

[Billy S]

My filter is almost non-existant when it comes to interests and general questions. I had to adopt the mantra of "Sometimes it's best to say nothing," As when I was younger, I kept offending all of my parent's friends.

But at the same time, I do find it rather relaxing to just gush the whole truth about a subject to whoever is closest to me, and while I do tend to overload most people that talk to me, I'm in my own little world talking about what I please, so it does not matter until I finish talking and everyone around me is glaring straight at me, or has left altogether.

I remember when I first started Year 8 and my friend said, "Hey, the answer to this question is 24" in maths, and I just looked at him like he'd caused World War Three. It was a normal lesson, and I soon learned that it was okay to talk about the answers there, but I was still in shock.