How best to reach out to recent ex

[Sunshinegal]

Hi,

I'm a NT girl and just joined the forum. After reading so many other posts and seeing all the warm and helpful responses that this community shares, I am deeply touched and wish to thank everyone in this forum for being such a wonderful family of support!

I came across this forum during my reading to understand my recent "break-up"/ghosting by my "ex". I put those words in quotations as he walked out on me during a discussion about our relationship status and I have not heard from him since, so we technically were not bf/gf, and I'm not sure if he broke up with me or if he is just taking some space and still angry/thinking. Before the define the relationship talk, everything seemed to be going well we were enjoying each other's presence (except we never talked about emotions or relationship topics), but we were not really making much progress, hence being the clueless NT girl I asked. He does not have a diagnosis, just during my readings to have a better understanding of what happened, many things seem to be falling in line with Aspergers.

After he walked out, I did not know what happened, and did reach out as he did not say he wanted to break up nor did he say he wanted space, so I didn't know that he did not want to communicate. And I did send an apology text a couple of days later when I realized I probably hurt/angered him by pushing him about our relationship status. I did not get a response, not sure if he blocked me or not, so I thought he probably wanted space.

It's been over a couple of months now of no contact. Some may think that this is too long and he likely has already moved on emotionally. Why did I leave it so long? The last message I sent him I did say let me know when you want to chat, and so I wanted to respect him and uphold my words, so did not want to reach out prematurely as I assumed that he knows to contact me if and when he is ready. Do you think it's too late to reach out?

After reading some of the thread I realize now that if I do not reach out he likely will never contact me. If he were a NT guy, I would think this is ghosting and I get the hint. But to me, he seems like an Aspie, so I am not sure if there may potentially be a chance of rekindling what we had if I do reach out. And I do not feel that I can fully move on without reaching out once. Now that I understand why he is different emotionally from me, I think I can do better in the future. Knowledge is power and I am generally fairly patient once I know what I am dealing with. I just did not know or understand that he was different emotionally from me, hence the untimely define the relationship talk. I would like to apologize to him for my insensitivity, let him know that I know now to be more patient (I will not mention anything about aspie as I don't think he has a known diagnosis and it is not my place to tell him he potentially does), and see if he would like to give it another try. Other than the emotional side, we got along really well and seem like good match for each other, so to me it seem like such a shame if this were to end due to my previous clueless NT behaviour.

Assuming he is an undiagnosed Aspie, what's the best way to reach out?

1) Text is the easiest, but he already ignored my last text message 2 months ago, so not sure if he blocked me
2) Call - similar effect to text, but probably more intrusive to him. And if he blocked me, I would not know if he just does not want to speak with me or whether he forgot to "unblock" me
3) Email - if he has moved on emotionally or is actively ignoring me, he may just delete the email or ignore it
4) Try to go meet him in person - but I do not know if he would run or be shocked if he saw me. For NT, face-to-face apologies are the best and most effective, even then often we reach out first by text and then slowly get comfortable and then set up face-to-face meeting. I am not sure if he would consider it a surprise and feel cornered and as a defensive, dash and even if there was a bit of hope of rekindling the relationship that would be ruined.

And what's the best topic to reach out with? Should it be an apology, as I do not know if he ever got my apology text. Or should it be light and totally unrelated topic as if we are old friends just connecting?

I know there is no right or wrong answer, and all guys are different. I just would appreciate different perspectives so that I can best prepare myself for the result of each outcome. I realize my NT intuition is unhelpful as it is what led to us not being together anymore. Any perspective or advice would be greatly appreciate it! Thank you all so much in helping me on my emotional growth and recovery journey!

 

[Keigan]

It seems like you need to do something like write a letter for closure, but writing that letter is your closure. Mailing it and expecting a response seems unlikely as as not healthy.

 

[Sunshinegal]

Thanks Keigan for your response! I guess to me lack of a response from him is a form of response, but I need to reach out one more time before I let go and move on. Not sure if that makes any sense. But I guess to me, without letting him know that I am sorry for pushing him regarding the relationship status, as I did not realize that he likely is an undiagnosed aspie, and that I know better now how to approach things with him, I would regret that I did not do everything that I possibly could to try to salvage things.

When he walked out, likely he did not want to handle the emotions and did not see a future with someone with emotions. Prior to the define the relationship talk, we never discussed emotional or relationship topic for the many months we were dating, so it probably came as a shock to him. And even my apology text a couple of days later I did try to "explain" myself by saying that I just wanted to spend more time together, which is probably still not what he wanted and may have done more harm. I now realize that I probably should not have tried to "control the situation" but rather let things progress as he wishes.

So that's why I wish to reach out one more time, and wonder how best to actually get my message to him. Do you think this is unreasonable? Thanks!

 

[Sunshinegal]

Sorry I should have mentioned that when he walked out he seemed sad/angry and did say that he really likes me. Which is why I was confused as to what happened, and still reached out to him after he walked out on me. Now I realize I probably pushed him and he ran.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

So that's why I wish to reach out one more time, and wonder how best to actually get my message to him. Do you think this is unreasonable? Thanks!

Is it more important to get the message to him or be seen as unreasonable?

Spreak write or whatever it is you choose - directly without artifice.
Dont beat around the bush.
No hidden meaning or expectation.

Do it in a way that makes you confident you can move on even if he doesnt respond.

He is responsible for his own feelings, so its his job to deal with whatever you choose to do.

He's a big boy. Speak plainly.

Does that work for you?

 

[Sunshinegal]

Is it more important to get the message to him or be seen as unreasonable?

Spreak write or whatever it is you choose - directly without artifice.
Dont beat around the bush.
No hidden meaning or expectation.

Do it in a way that makes you confident you can move on even if he doesnt respond.

He is responsible for his own feelings, so its his job to deal with whatever you choose to do.

He's a big boy. Speak plainly.

Does that work for you?

Thanks for your objective advice! At a time like this I really appreciate suggestions that help to clarify my own thoughts.

To me, the most important thing is to get the message to him and making sure he hears/read it. This would mean going to find him and speak to him face-to-face is most effective, so at least I know that he is not ignoring my text or email.

However, what I am afraid is that to get the most optimal response from him, face-to-face may not be best method. Email may be a safer, less confrontational method for him to receive and digest the message. Many aspies do not like to be surprised, so I just show up, even if he was missing me and starting to think perhaps there could be a chance, by my surprising him, would it make it solidify his decision to end everything?

Up until the day we had the define the relationship talk, everything was going very well. There was no hot or cold. He did not come on strong, we started slowly and ease into each other and started to gradually spend more time together. Recently though things were not progressing, so I asked about our relationship status. We always had a lot to talk about and he seemed to really enjoy my company. He had many relationships before and the most recent ones he had said ended as he either felt that they did not have much to talk about or lacked the mental connection. We have a lot in common and really understand each other on non-emotional topics. We make a good team in many ways. So I feel that I screwed it up by bringing in emotional topic as a surprise on him.

When I had the define the relationship talk, he likely felt ill prepared and surprised that I sprung it on him, and dashed. So I am not sure if I were to show up in person if he would dash one more time. He has now had over 2 months time/space, so not sure if his reaction may be different.

When he walked out on me, he said he was sorry that I was not happy with the way things are. He likes to move very slowly. He may have felt that I was trying to break up with him as I wanted more in the relationship but he wasn't prepared to give me that so in some way he has failed. So instead of him being dumped, he decided to dash, and in doing so, basically has dumped me before I could hurt his feelings. I am just trying to reason his behaviour. Or perhaps I am overanalyzing it.

So I just want to apologize for hurting him, and to let him know that I understand him better now and will not push him. I do not have very high emotional needs compared to many NT girls and I have a few very close friends who I can go for emotional support, so I think I can make it work for us now that I understand him better. I would like to choose the method that maximizes the chances of him getting this message and being receptive to the message. I cannot guarantee him or myself that it will work out. But without giving it a try again now we my new found understanding seem like a pity and I would regret. Whatever he decides I will respect.

Thanks for your thoughts and advice!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

maximizes the chances of him getting this message and being receptive to the message. I cannot guarantee him or myself that it will work out.

It's definitely worth taking the time to get things right imo.

And avoiding a shutdown may be hard.

I guess 2 or 3 steps may work.

Hope it works out for you.

I could have used the consideration you're sho

 

[Sunshinegal]

Thanks! I wish I had given more thought before I had the define the relationship talk then I would not need to think so much now in a last attempt to salvage the damage I caused.

Just wanted to know if I understood you correctly about "2 or 3 steps". Do you mean perhaps I can use a couple of different means, like send an email first, see if he responds. If not, then give him a bit if space for a few more weeks and then one final attempt in person?

I've never given this much thought to planning anything in a relationshp situation. It must mean he means a great deal to me. I feel terrible that I caused this but there is no reversing time. Hopefully it works out. If not, at least he was part of my life and I tried my best. Thanks!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thanks! I wish I had given more thought before I had the define the relationship talk then I would not need to think so much now in a last attempt to salvage the damage I caused.

Just wanted to know if I understood you correctly about "2 or 3 steps". Do you mean perhaps I can use a couple of different means, like send an email first, see if he responds. If not, then give him a bit if space for a few more weeks and then one final attempt in person?

I've never given this much thought to planning anything in a relationshp situation. It must mean he means a great deal to me. I feel terrible that I caused this but there is no reversing time. Hopefully it works out. If not, at least he was part of my life and I tried my best. Thanks!

Yeh that's what i meant

 

[Sunshinegal]

Yeh that's what i meant

Thanks!! I appreciate you quick responses

A friend of mine said to wait until after valentines day to reach out as this way he doesn't not think I'm reaching out only because I'm missing him due to valentines day. Do you think this matters?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thanks!! I appreciate you quick responses

A friend of mine said to wait until after valentines day to reach out as this way he doesn't not think I'm reaching out only because I'm missing him due to valentines day. Do you think this matters?

That confused me.

Probably not.

I wonder how many other hidden meanings have been attached, without you realising.

Is your friend an expert on asd? Is she giving NT advice?

 

[Judge]

Two considerations stand out the most after reading the original posting.

1. Could it be as simple as the man in question was simply "not that into you?" That by expressing any desire to "escalate" the relationship, you may have simply chased him away. A social dynamic that has no specific neurological bearing, IMO.

2. A far more complex thing to consider. The idea of pursuing one presumably on the spectrum of autism where they themselves are utterly unaware of their alleged neurological status. In a nutshell, you can't enable someone to discover and accept their own autism. That it's a process which must happen on one's own terms and schedule. A process of self-awareness that is neither linear or smooth.

A scant few NTs come through here with similar issues. Frankly I see such a scenario as one most daunting to build upon in attempting to establish a romantic relationship with someone on the spectrum who has yet to even acknowledge their own neurological condition. Where the person in question may be on a sort of "overload" relative to working out what- and who they really are, let alone be able to process the prospect of a new, romantic relationship. That it's simply too much for them.

 

[Sunshinegal]

That confused me.

Probably not.

I wonder how many other hidden meanings have been attached, without you realising.

Is your friend an expert on asd? Is she giving NT advice?

No my friend is a NT guy. Hence I am not sure whether to take that advice or not. I'm usually pretty rational, but since he walked out on me so unexpectedly mid-conversation, I am not sure I can trust my instinct anymore. Thanks!

 

[Sunshinegal]

Two considerations stand out the most after reading the original posting.

1. Could it be as simple as the man in question was simply "not that into you?" That by expressing any desire to "escalate" the relationship, you may have simply chased him away. A social dynamic that has no specific neurological bearing, IMO.

2. A far more complex thing to consider. The idea of pursuing one presumably on the spectrum of autism where they themselves are utterly unaware of their alleged neurological status. In a nutshell, you can't enable someone to discover and accept their own autism. That it's a process which must happen on one's own terms and schedule. A process of self-awareness that is neither linear or smooth.

A scant few NTs come through here with similar issues. Frankly I see such a scenario as one most daunting to build upon in attempting to establish a romantic relationship with someone on the spectrum who has yet to even acknowledge their own neurological condition. Where the person in question may be on a sort of "overload" relative to working out what- and who they really are, let alone be able to process the prospect of a new, romantic relationship. That it's simply too much for them.

Thanks for you your thoughts!

Yes, initially my thinking was that he was just "not that into me" and now I am still uncertain if it is that or if he has mild aspie. His last words when he walked out on me were that he is sorry that I am not happy, that he really like me, and this is hard to come by. So I feel like I hurt him. Maybe you and others can kindly shed some light.

Been dating over half a year, started slow and he has been consistent in asking me out, but we were not progressing. We see each other once a week. He has not involved me in his social circle, and during the time that we dated he never mentioned any activities with his friends, only work and his parents, and the few times that I asked him to join my friends for social activities he was always busy. He only said he liked me twice, once early in the dating period and the second was when he walked out on me. He never talked about relationship status so I did not know if we were exclusive or not. Other guys were asking me out, so I wanted to know what we were, whether we were exclusive. I did not feel right to go out with other guys as we had already been intimate, yet I didn't really know what we were. I guess my insecurities got to me that night for some reason, and so I just asked him what we were. I said I am not just looking to have fun and am looking for a long term relationship. He said he does not believe in labels and likes to go slow. He asked if I was happy. I said I was but I would like to move forward, spend more time together, make more long term plans beyond the next date, etc. He said that I should be able to see that he care from his actions. My tone of voice at this point likely sounded like wining/nagging, and I wanted to see each other more than once a week, wanted him to join me in social events, wished that he would respond to my texts sooner than the next day, wished that he would pick up my calls as most of the time I get voicemail, etc... and then I forgot exactly where it happened, he looked hurt and upset, got up and walked out. The last words he said was that he is sorry that I am not happy, that he really liked me, and this was hard to come by. I hugged him and said I am sorry, I did not mean to hurt him, that was not my intention, but he pulled away quickly and walked out.

I thought he was just upset, but did not think things were over. I thought perhaps give him some time to cool off and then he would reach out again, since my last text to him was to say I was sorry and for him to let me know when he wants to chat. But when I did not hear from him a couple of weeks later, I started to wonder what happened. Did he ghost me as I pushed him, and he was not that interested in me? Or did I hurt his feelings? I started to speak with my good NT guy friends. My NT guy friends said that if he was hurt then he will need some space and when he recovers will reach out to me again, that if his words when he walked out was that he really liked me and this was hard to come by then ghosting seemed odd. I waited for over a month and he still did not reach out. Then I started to do more reading to understand what happened. That's when I came across topics about emotionally unavailable guys, aspie, etc... and I noticed that he has many aspie qualities. I am not a physician so I do not know how to make the diagnosis, just that he seems to possess many of the traits I have read. So it is likely that he maybe is just not that interested and ghosted me and has nothing to do with aspie. Regardless of whether he is or not, I am glad that I did so much reading about aspie recently, as I have come to a better understanding and feel that I can empathize more in the future in my interactions and relationships with aspies.

I am still confused. All the previous ex's I have had we had some kind of a discussion, whether it was heated or calm, so we knew that we were breaking up. Maybe this is just normal ghosting and I am reading too much into it as I do not have previous experience?

Thanks for listening to my verbal diarrhea as I try to make some sense of what happened.