How can a lifelong geek be friendlier?

[cberg]

Seriously, there's a big shortage of wisdom on this topic. I'm entirely too nerdy for my favorite humans. I have to change something. You probably posses vastly more social intelligence than I do so I hope we can learn from each other.

Tech support questions are allowed too, after all how else can I pay any of you back?

 

[BraidedPony]

When you say Hi to someone add something like How are you. You aren’t asking because you real care 100% but it sounds friendly. Then change it every day so it doesn’t sound robotic.
Another thing you can do is share a little bit about yourself with the Hi. For example, It was raining so hard my car almost slid off the road. But you say it in a relaxed and amused voice not like you are horrified.
Notice if something is different with someone and compliment them if possible. Like, You got a haircut, it looks really good. Now with complements and women at work, don’t do it just to be safe. Unless you are complementing their work, then it’s ok.
In general when I talk to someone I try to relax, especially my face and mouth. I look at the person for only about 3 to 7 seconds at a time, otherwise it can be creepy like you are staring. I tend to stare, so I mention it.
Be the first to end a conversation right before you think they might want to end it, with a Nice talking to you or See you later. Use a casual tone of voice like it’s no big deal you were talking for the first time in weeks. And even though you won’t see them later because it’s evening and you are going home...
Anyway, sometimes being friendly means not being completely honest or accurate, but it’s close enough for NT dealings. They don’t know the difference but will appreciate all your friendliness!

 

[BraidedPony]

Oh,
P.S. How can I get my iPad to back up to the Cloud in the shortest time possible? I have to use the WiFi in the common room and there’s people in there....
It’s been months since my last back up so it takes longer than I’m comfortable sitting there.
I changed a setting so photos won’t be backed up....
Thank you.

 

[Mia]

There's no need for payback really. We give what we have, whatever that can be on the site. Being friendlier, is the mask we put on at times in real life that makes us feel slightly disingenuous.

Yet friendliness is leaving our inward world for a time, and being in the present rather than living in our heads. Noticing others, and wondering about them. It might be the desire to understand others and be around them. Finding similarities and differences and attempting to understand those disparate identities that make up individuals.

It may be our innate curiosity that leads the desire, to want to know others. It's also the primordial part of our brain, the limbic system that is an emotional center. So it seems as if our friendliness or desire to interact with others is hard-wired, but, for aspies maybe with only one or two people at a time.

 

[cberg]

Oh,
P.S. How can I get my iPad to back up to the Cloud in the shortest time possible? I have to use the WiFi in the common room and there’s people in there....
It’s been months since my last back up so it takes longer than I’m comfortable sitting there.
I changed a setting so photos won’t be backed up....
Thank you.

Ideally I think the trick is to swipe all the app 'cards' out of the multitasking list (2 or 3 home button clicks) save for anything you're waiting for sync with.

 

[cberg]

There's no need for payback really. We give what we have, whatever that can be on the site. Being friendlier, is the mask we put on at times that makes us feel slightly disingenuous.

Yet friendliness is perhaps leaving our inward world for a time, and being in the present rather than living in our heads. Noticing others, and wondering about them. It might be the desire to understand others and be around them. Finding similarities and differences and attempting to understand those disparate identities that make up an individual.

It may be our innate curiosity that leads the desire, to want to know others. It's also the primordial part of our brain, the limbic system that is an emotional center. So it seems as if our friendliness or desire to interact with others is hard-wired.

I suppose in that case, I'm fixated on any part of basic positivity that's a conscious choice. Of course I also see it as an evolutionary plus but there has to be some greater set of motivations to appeal to.

One day I'll learn.

 

[Thinx]

It might be good to seek ideas directly from your favourite humans, if they know you and are invested in relating with you, then you could tailor your ways towards their preferences. You have framed your question here in a brief, humorous and cute way, and perhaps could do so directly to them? At an opportune time when it's private and there's time for a chat about it....

 

[cberg]

Yeah. I don't find many such opportune times but I'll do what I can.

 

[BraidedPony]

cberg, why do you think you need to be friendlier? Maybe you are worried about nothing? I’m asking because you seem friendly enough here on the forum.

 

[tducey]

Take an interest in what others are talking about and add in your thoughts on the subject.

 

[cberg]

cberg, why do you think you need to be friendlier? Maybe you are worried about nothing? I’m asking because you seem friendly enough here on the forum.

I tend to worry that being as intense as I am about my excessive technical discipline makes me seem cold or gets me stereotyped as aloof.

 

[BraidedPony]

You could add some warm and fuzzy words in your communications, it wouldn’t hurt.
Think of it like generally accepted protocol. You add words like “thank you” to the end of some sentences, when it makes sense of course. Also you could practice saying “I’m glad you asked that..”
In short, add words that don’t convey any technical information, but you are saying them because you want to communicate with NTs that you are a nice person. Just until they get to know and like you, then you can relax a bit with the silly stuff.
I’ve had to learn this when I started working when I was young and still use friendly words unless I’m tired and stressed. Then I might start using very unfriendly words!
P.S. Good luck with this, you can do it!

 

[paloftoon]

The Little book of social cues
Get this Little book (e-mail the person for it.)
Also, you will probably have to make a lot of mistakes and learn things in pieces.
You can also try to observe how other people interact with each other and say nothing unless prompted (this is not something I enjoy trying to do, so it may not be easy, but maybe a possibility depending on context.)
Try to have a buddy with you if you can sometimes, just sometimes.
Sometimes, it's best to do it on your own too.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I regularly worked with a guy who was expert at chatting people up. I asked him how he did it. He said this like he was quoting from an instruction manual:

"Three things. Work. Family. Hobbies. Ask people about one of these."

I also try to ask one followup question. E.g, if I ask what they do for a living, I might ask afterward how they like that, how they got into that, or maybe think of something that would be challenging with the job and ask about that.

Often this will requires me to remember something about them for next time. Like if I ask about their family and they tell me about their kid's baseball team. Next time, I might ask how baseball is going.

Now how to keep a conversation going ... I'm not there yet.

 

[paloftoon]

To try to keep a conversation going, you can either ask about more details about something they said, or switch topics. Sometimes, you may have the opportunity to simply listen. Also, keep in mind it takes two for a conversation. The other person may be disinterested. So, if you have the option, go speak with someone else or do something else if you can tell they are disinterested. If you're stuck in something because you are speed dating or something like that, maybe just start talking about yourself if they aren't saying anything and you "have to" say something.

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

Ask questions about the things they are talking about and the things they are interested in. People love it when people show interest in the things they say. It makes them feel good about themselves, and people like people who make them feel good about themselves. Even if you aren't actually interested in what they are saying, you are interested in making your favorite humans happy, and asking questions is a great way of making people feel valuable.

 

[cberg]

Someone suggested to me that women, supposedly NTs in particular, have always judged me on their very first impression of me.

Needless to say that's kind of terrifying for a shy dude. Can anyone, preferably females, offer some wisdom to get past snap judgment like this?

 

[paloftoon]

Someone suggested to me that women, supposedly NTs in particular, have always judged me on their very first impression of me.

Needless to say that's kind of terrifying for a shy dude. Can anyone, preferably females, offer some wisdom to get past snap judgment like this?

Aim to have confidence on your strengths and somehow respect others and it can all fall in to place. Being a nerd can be attractive to some people. If you think your appearance is not up to par, consider more exercise or maybe styling your hair?
You can also genuinely try to compliment other people. Don't over do-it unless you know they want your attention and you want theirs.

 

[Reirei]

Someone suggested to me that women, supposedly NTs in particular, have always judged me on their very first impression of me.

Needless to say that's kind of terrifying for a shy dude. Can anyone, preferably females, offer some wisdom to get past snap judgment like this?

I can only speak as myself but I will reassess people as I learn more about them so for me "snap judgements" are just that and I know there may be more about the person. I think from my own exeperience of being judged, I know that I am not the sum of meeting me 1x.

That's probably not helpful. I would say if you like similar things that may be the key?

Also, my husband is a nerd and we met playing online video games.

 

[cberg]

My main intentions here are more/better exercise & learning to actually believe what Reirei tells me about first impressions. I need to get more sleep as well so bye for tonight.